Is this possible to be "just friends"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Is this possible to be "just friends"
4
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 2:24pm
Me and MM have given our situation some thought and both agreed to end the sexual side of our R and will always be best friends. This was a week ago. We used to talk every day all day and it was more of a fwob kinda thing, not the mushy lovey-dovey stuff. Neither intended to leave Ms for the other and that was made clear.

We talked a bit after coming to this agreement and MM said he had to go and would call back in 10 minutes. No call, but that's okay. Days later he calls to see how I'm doing. The conversation was brief and I told him I was having lunch w/ a mutual acquaintance. He said he wanted to join us which he did. During lunch I tried not to look at him in his eyes because I lose it. He then wanted to meet after lunch alone. I know what that meant and I said I couldn't. I plan to stick to my guns this time.

Is it possible to be "just friends" and end the sexual side once that line has been crossed? We do have a special love for eachother but we know it is something that is for the moment only, a fantasy, and going nowhere. I feel strong today, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. Also, EMA would have been 2 years in a few months.

Is NC the only way to end EMAs?



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 2:42pm
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Edited 10/1/2004 6:32 pm ET ET by sally289
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 6:10pm

Yes, it is possible to go back to just friends. I have done so myself with several of the OW's in my life.


It takes maturity and civility. And some space at the beginning to allow yourself to re-adjust....so you can look at him in the eyes and not "loose it.


NC isn't "always" the only way to end an affair and sometimes people can't avoid contact due to work situations, etc. That's where the maturity and civility come to play. At least that's what happened with me.


I wish you well in your re-adjustment of your friendship and I hope you are able to re-establish the friendship where it was.....


jmhoo,


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 1:33am
Hey luvinmyfriend! I agree with noregrets - it IS possible to be 'just friends' with your ex, and it takes very very hard work and mental strength on both sides. I too work with my xOM, and we started off as friends before the flirtation and feelings started. He once said to me that as much as he'd like to sleep with me, he would rather go without the sex because he valued my friendship more. And that statement means more to me than anything, because it meant that he really liked me for me, and not for the sexual satisfaction that I may be able to give him (plus, he's one horny fellow, so I thank him for his restraint!). At times the temptation is there to go further, but he is the strong one in this friendship, and his strength and discipline rubs off onto me and I get some strength from that too.

I must warn you though, that it is very very hard. Going through this let's just be friends thing was extremely difficult and painful for me, because itr's so hard when I care so much for him, and I can understand why NC is the best way to go. But if you work with your ex like I do, NC is impossible, and we just have to be strong. Minimal contact is one way to go about it, but sometimes I think minimal contact is more painful than NC.

Like me, you may want to get things off your chest and pour your heart out to him, or at times you may be angry with him just for being busy with work, or you may wish you could hang out together more often, but on hindsight minimal contact was his way of forcing us to get over each other.

I'm much happier than I used to be, and although I feel a sense of loss at what 'might have been', I am grateful that we are still friends because his friendship is important to me.

Good for you in sticking to your guns. You have to believe that it IS possible, as long as BOTH sides are disciplined. I like to visualise the two of us still friends in 20 years time, and I know that that would only be possible if we don't let things develop sexually. So that gives me some strength. When it doesn't, I go for a jog :-)

You'll do fine, you sound like a sensible, strong person. We need you around here to give the rest of us strength.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 12:14pm
It's good to hear that it is possible and, in retrospect, anything is possible if one is determined. I know all too well that it will be very very hard at times, and at times not so much. I told MM the same thing; that I value our friendship too much to jeopardize it with sex, even tho we both love having sex with eachother. It seems the 'normal' thing to do with our feelings, but we both 'know' it is not right. We hung out briefly yesterday (in a group setting). I avoid prolonged eye contact. Something about his eyes does something to me and in the car our eyes are on the road so that helps. We give eachother pointers on dealing w/ our spouses and I help him see where his W is coming from and what she needs (to be his friend). He says he knows he can always talk to me about anything, and that's at least I don't have w/ my DH, a good friend. Me and DH have what I call a "formal" relationship. Always get compliments on good we "look" together and I must say that we do. But me and MM "feel" good together.

It's good to know that it has actually worked for you, NR, and I agree, it takes a measure of maturity and civility. I am the stronger between MM and I and so when we made this "hands off" agreement I told him that when he weakened (which he always has in the past) that I would not succumb and if he could do the same (even tho I know it'd piss me off so I won't go there). It's funny because he said "you don't understand, this time I mean it" and what happens a week later ... He is a very sexual man and I told him he has a roving eye (amongst other body parts) which will get him in trouble if he doesn't control his sexual appetite.

Ok, now I'm rambling. Today we're supposed to go shopping, in the company of his best friend, who is my friend to (who also happens to have a crush on me). This friend loves to flirt w/ me and doesn't have a clue about MM and I. This ought to be interesting ... and fun. We'll shop, have lunch, and flirt (which I love to do).

Happy holidays all!

Luvin