I finally dropped him
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| Thu, 12-18-2003 - 10:47pm |
My husband had an affair and it devastated me. Around the same time an old boyfriend from high school contacted me and we started a long distance "relationship" over the phone and internet. My husband and this guy were the only 2 men with whom I have ever been intimate. I didn't intend for it to go as far as it did. I wasn't the least bit attracted to him (or so I thought). He was just fun to talk to and of course the attention he gave made me feel great. After 3 months of hours and hours of talking, we met. We had sex. I talked to him a few days later and then I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. How could I have been so stupid and naive. Then again, I knew the pain from my husband's affair had numbed and blinded me. I needed a way to disconnect from my husband and this was it. I should have run away then as fast as I could. But I waited around and got a little more bad treatment.
I will not bore you all with all of the promises, compliments, etc. I know that you all have probably heard all of them. But anyway here is what happened this Sunday night. We met at a hotel. We had sex. He went to sleep. I stayed awake because I was kind of upset. While the sexual act itself was pretty good (I had not had sex in several months) there was no orgasm for me. This idiot actually did not seem to know that a majority of women do not have orgasm from intercourse. So imagine this, I am a healthy 34 year old woman who had not had sex in 4 months. I was very much into it. I am sure he had a great time.
When we first got to the hotel, he got a call on his cell phone. He stepped out to make a call and when he returned I asked who he had called. Somehow or another he never responded, I did not push it. I was hot and I thought it could have been his wife.
Later he did mentioned that the only thing he did not like about me was all of my questions.
So anyway, while he lay there sleeping I got up and looked at the call history on his cell phone. I also looked at all the names/numbers he had stored. My number was stored under the city in which I live. There was another number stored under a city. I sat there and fumed a little. The little rat. I of course was upset but then I had to keep in mind. He was cheating on his wife with me. Why wouldn't he be cheating with multiple people. I dialed the number under the other city from my cell phone but used *67 so my number would be displayed as private. That's how he had previously called me. A woman answered, it was 2:20 in the morning. I hung up. Sure enough 3-4 minutes later his phone rings. Then it does the notification that indicates a message has been left.
He finally wakes up and asks if that was his phone ringing. I say yes and dutifully grab it off the desk and give it to him. As he looks to see who the caller was, I start getting dressed. He starts mumbling something about some way he has his phone set. I just look at him. I don't quite remember but I must have said something like you need to get up and get dressed. He stares back at me and I stare at him. He finally starts to move. I say, do you the money for the hotel room, it is your turn to pay. He says he only has $40. I said no problem, I will take this Christmas gift back and get my money back. (Of course, he did not get me a gift) Then, as he was leaving, I said, don't you want to kiss me good bye. Of course, he said no. About 20 minutes later he calls and asks why I was so angry. I lied but sweetly said, "Oh I'm not angry. It's just over. But you know it was oretty good while it lasted." Then I hung up.
I was and still am very hurt. I do not know where I got the strength or composure to end it like that. I didn't cry. I didn't question or accuse. I feel like I was shown exactly what I needed to see and I just walked away with my head up and as much dignity as I could muster. Even though I had just completely given this man my body. I had finally had enough.
And, I hope like hell he is twisting some way. I hope that he is angry and pissed off. I hope he is wondering if he was busted. I mean even though he called to ask why, he has to know. The 2nd OW would probably tell him that she got a private call and thought it was him. Any way, I didn't give him the chance to give me some lame lye or even to say something that would really hurt me more.
If he ever calls me again which he might, I look forward to being as nice and nonchalant as possible. I will not give him the pleasure of knowing how badly this hurt me. Also, I will be really sweet as I tell him, "I just got kind of bored and the sex wasn't really that great and so I figured what's the point!"
Keep me in your thoughts as I wean myself from this loser. It's crazy but I will have to get used to not getting calls, text messages, etc.

Don't let him get to you and don't ever give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he did hurt you. They are not worth the energy.
As for the cell phone calls, shrug them off too. I once caught my xmm going into my purse to look at my cell phone! That was after I told him I started seeing a single man (I am single). That was a breach of whatever "trust" we had between us. Then I thought, what trust is there? He is cheating on his w with me and I am seeing him behind another's back! Granted the other was not as involved with me, but still involved nonetheless.
This damn affair ending has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, but I am still moving forward... one tiny step at a time.
If you ever get the urge to contact him and see how he felt about things, post here instead. There is a wealth of advice you will get here.....
You'll be OK.
It's always nice to catch them in the act of "scumbag."
I guess this will be your first and last foray into the world of affairs.
I hope that this pain eariler then later will help to make you find peace with this sooner.
So why has your hubby cut you off for 4 mons? Or are you cutting him off?
Just wondering.. It sounds like you have a lot of issues going on. Being betrayed twice essentially.
Please don't think there is anything wrong with you. It just sounds like you've got your work cut out for you. Just roll up your sleeves, jump in and decide what you really want out of life.
Of course if you need to vent again feel free!
Best wishes and thoughts go out to you!
Katja
You are so funny and soooo right. How ever did you guess? A resounding yes, this will be my first and last time!
I can not believe all of the drama in my life.
I am now separated from my husband and pursuing a divorce. It will be final some time after January 31.
I am still struggling to find peace with my husband's affair. I was so hurt by his betrayal. I really thought he was my soul mate. Still do. I was pregnant with our first child, he was treating me like crap and showering some other woman with adoration. I lost the baby and then about two weeks later I found out about his affair. He cried and begged. I did alot of crying, too. I tried (a little) but at the time I just could deal with past my own pain and hurt. I could not see how I could get past the affair because I now knew and understood that infidelity is one of the most cruel and selfish things you can do to the one that you claim to love.
With regards to the affair, I am trying not to be too hard on myself. But it isn't easy. I knew he was married. I knew it was wrong and I made the choice. How could I be a party to inflicting this pain on another wife. I just decided that I did not care. I had tried to be "good" all of my life and what had it gotten me. I also thought what is the allure. Well, it wasn't all that great, that's for sure. And, in some ways I can't help but feel like this pain is what I deserve. But, I do keep in mind that my feelings for this louse were genuine.
I don't quite know what I want out of life but this has sure helped me see what absolutely do not want.
Thanks for your encouragement.
I could totally relate to your story. I also got involved in a long-distance, emotional A with my high school boyfriend. Mine lasted for the better part of 2 years. We lived in different states and never did figure out a way to meet. I know that if we had, it definitely would have become physical. (I guess I should be thankful now that we never actually got together!).
Like you, XMM and I E-mailed and talked on the phone for hours and hours. The "I love you's" started, promises of a future together, etc. Our troubles began when he lost his job. As the months went by, he grew more and more depressed, and our relationship began to deteriorate. We started fighting on the phone, and he grew more and more distant. Ironically, right around this time, I found out that my H was going to be deployed overseas with his National Guard unit. So, now that I need his friendship more than ever, XMM is no longer there for me. I am angry that I devoted (wasted?) almost 2 years of my life on this man and, in the end, he couldn't even be a friend to me when I needed one.
The funny thing is, right after high school, I was the one who broke up with him. We had been together for 3 years, and I was ready to meet new people at college. He told me he had a very hard time getting over me. Now I am the one hurting over him. Geez, I guess I really should have left well enough alone!
I am now at 7 1/2 weeks NC. I never really thought I would make it this far, as I had become so emotionally dependent on him. It is hard getting used to the phone not ringing at those times when he used to call....the inbox in my "secret" E-mail account always being empty, etc. Although I still miss what he and I used to have, I am starting to get used to him not being in my life.
I'm sorry you are hurting now, but I'm glad you didn't waste more than 9 months of your life on this clown. My advice would be, whenever you get the urge to contact him, come and post here instead. You won't find a more supportive group of people anywhere! Best of luck to you -- mpjcmom
What's is so weird and ironic is that I dated him for a year in high school and even though I dated him for that long, I never loved him and I knew it. I only liked him. When we broke up in high school after a year of seeing each other daily, I felt a little sad but I got over it pretty quickly (probably within a week or two). How could I now fall in love with someone over the telephone? Yep, he said that back then he'd had a hard time getting over me, too. He remebered a ton of things that I had forgotten and frankly that I had never really given much thought until he mentioned it. This initially made me suspicious because I thought maybe he wanted some type of revenge or vindication.
Crazy me! I still fell in love with him. This time, I am sure that I both liked and loved him. I am so hurt. In trying to deal with this I have thought alot. And, I think that I probably projected. I projected on to him qualities that I would have liked for him to have. Because we carried this relationship on over the phone, I could come up with all kind of great attributes for him. I didn't see him daily so therefore he could be whoever and whatever I wanted him to be because it was all in my mind.
Is this not funny? I had fights with him over the phone, too. What did we possibly have to fight about?
I too miss the calls at what was evidently my designated time. This week has been so hard. I waste so much freaking time thinking about him. He worked nights and I travelled alot so we talked often while he was at work. One night, I swear, we talked from 11:00 PM to 7:00 AM. Was it all a lie? I guess so. Then again, it doesn't even matter because it wasn't real. It was mostly in my mind. He lives in my childhood city/state so there is the slight chance that I might run into him whenever I go home and visit. I fantasize about seeing him in a store or something and I am there looking absolutely great and then I walk out the door with his mouth open. Why do I care? I really no longer want him. I guess I just want him to hurt as I do right now.
I really can't imagine 7-1/2 weeks of this. But, I will be strong.
My divorce will be final soon and I cannot help but wonder if there are any nice, honest, and faithful men.
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement.
Survivor
There are nice, decent men out there. Give yourself some time to heal from your divorce and the disaster that this relationship could have become. I have been divorced for over 3 years and have managed to find a good, decent, trustworthy single man! Only thing is, I almost allowed myself to lose him over the xmm. I kept the single man at a distance while I continued my relationship with the xmm (for almost two years). I am slowly moving forward with the single one, but very cautiously.
Time to focus on you. We can build these mm (or women, if that be the case) into the perfect mate, especially if we don't see them on a day-to-day basis. The relationship is based on lies and fantasy, not reality. The reality is, they are not available to us and, if both parties are married, we are not available to them. We would never be more than a close second to the spouse, no matter what kind of marriage they have.
Hang in there!