Jon!!!
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| Fri, 12-19-2003 - 1:09pm |
I totally relate to where you are. NEVER had the spark w/ DH and didn't know this type of connection even existed until I met MM. So what is there to go back to? Nothing. No foundation. So I'm trying to find 'something' to start with. I knew this going in, decision to marry DH was more of an economic one than anything. Stayed bc of the kids. Now kids are grown and gone and I'm still here. Funny, now I'm the breadwinner. Been in EMA almost 2 years now and have just ended the sexual side of it and are still best of friends (trying to be) w/ MM. Went to M counseling, DH doesn't think we need it, just ret'd from vacation, same story as yours. Decided I don't want to live this way anymore and suggested a separation (again). DH doesn't want it. I too cannot stand conflict, so I just go along, and my MM has been my escape.
MM and I laugh over nothing, til we're in tears. Just a good friend that I love more than I should and have had to pull back, bc it could never be. MM is like you. Fatherhood is the most endearing thing to him. The best father in the world. Would die without his son. MM and I are more friends than anything and when I feel the tidal wave of love hitting me I have to pull back and look at my checkbook & finances, which changes the shift of my body chemistry (I think).
Going on vacation helped me get perspective on what I want and don't want. I want to be happy, but at what expense. DH and I have a lot of history and it would hurt so many others and so I stay, again for the happiness and security of others. Trying to be content in my M. But it feels like trying to put a square into a circle. Doesn't fit. But keep trying anyway. I'm tired of trying and so I just go thru the motions of being married. Married for wrong reasons (economic) and grew to love DH more and more, but not the passionate spark type love I didn't know I could ever existed til now.
EMA could never be more since we're both married we both made it clear that we'd never leave our spouses for eachother. So, we just pull eachother thru hard times and are there for one another, now as friends, no longer lovers, even tho is "feels" right, we "know" it's wrong. It's not the ideal situation, but neither of us could do the NC thing, BTDT, didn't work. So we remain friends and still talk, just not as often.
Hope this helps. BTW, our vacation was for our anniversary too.
Luvin

Edited 10/1/2004 6:31 pm ET ET by sally289
Hope things are better for you. It's hard to mourn the loss of a R and try to work on your M at the same time. Your heart is sooooo divided. I love my DH also, but as a DH, not a friend. As for me and MM, we will always be friends, no matter what. I can be me and he loves me for me. We've always been friends more than anything, and the benefits came later. That has ended (more than I can count) mainly because we don't want to jeopardize our friendship and I really love him as a friend and want what is best for him in the long run. So when he wanted me to meet him at our last place, I told him I couldn't. Told him as friends I need to be strong for him when he's weak and vice versa. Ugh!!! I hate this bc I really in my heart want to be with him, but my mind says no.
Hoping we hear from "Jon" soon.
Hugs & happy holidays!
Luvin