....Trying to AVOID an Affair !! ....
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....Trying to AVOID an Affair !! ....
| Fri, 12-19-2003 - 5:39pm |
Hey all,
Having a problem...
I'm married, happily in many ways, yet I am finding myself in a situation where I might possibly become involved in an affair.
I want to try and avoid this at all costs because I know how devastating it would be to my marriage, and how emotionally draining it would be for me.
This other person happens to be my best friend, and we have had a deep emotional attachment to each other for a few years, and I wasn't completely beyond that when I married my husband. My best friend also happens to be divorced from a 7 yr relationship, she was his first experience, and they had three kids together.
Yeah , ugh, sticky situation I know.
If I wasn't with my husband, I don't know if I could have dealt with being in a relationship with my best friend anyway just because of the divorced and kids thing (I don't have kids of my own yet) ... but I think the appeal of the affair thing comes from the taboo-ness of things now that I'm no longer available and the secretiveness of it.
I DO NOT want this to happen, for many reasons, the two most important being
that I don't want it to completely ruin me emotionally and put me in a whirlspin of emotions which I know it would,
and I also value what my husband and I have....
I just don't know what to do, how to fight temptation, and stay friends without anything more
=*(
Help!
Having a problem...
I'm married, happily in many ways, yet I am finding myself in a situation where I might possibly become involved in an affair.
I want to try and avoid this at all costs because I know how devastating it would be to my marriage, and how emotionally draining it would be for me.
This other person happens to be my best friend, and we have had a deep emotional attachment to each other for a few years, and I wasn't completely beyond that when I married my husband. My best friend also happens to be divorced from a 7 yr relationship, she was his first experience, and they had three kids together.
Yeah , ugh, sticky situation I know.
If I wasn't with my husband, I don't know if I could have dealt with being in a relationship with my best friend anyway just because of the divorced and kids thing (I don't have kids of my own yet) ... but I think the appeal of the affair thing comes from the taboo-ness of things now that I'm no longer available and the secretiveness of it.
I DO NOT want this to happen, for many reasons, the two most important being
that I don't want it to completely ruin me emotionally and put me in a whirlspin of emotions which I know it would,
and I also value what my husband and I have....
I just don't know what to do, how to fight temptation, and stay friends without anything more
=*(
Help!

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having been in a 2 year affair my advice to you would be RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK.
And these are my reasons:
since my A became known to my H and XMM'c W, this is what life has had to offer me:
- I HURT THE MAN I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD, MY H
- tears upon more tears
- lost a great friend, XMM
- every day is challenge to find a smile
- and most importantly, I've lost my innocence and my trust
What have I gained:
- puffy eyes !!
- unanswered questions
In other words, you gain NOTHING IN AN A....you just lose a part of you.
Good luck
I am struggling to move on "post-affair", but it is so hard. One minute I am up and the next, I am down in the pits of ugliness again.
When I learned my xmm was married (about six weeks into it), I should have run but did not. Yes, it was exciting at first, forbidden fruit and all, but realize that there are others involved who are completely innocent and will be devastated when the news comes out. For the most part, I think the affair is discovered at some point in time. It is nearly impossible to have that heavy of a relationship and not be discovered.
The guilt I have felt is tremendous at hurting the xmm's wife, who I don't even know and hurting the gentleman I have been seeing. He does not know of the a, but knows there is a reason why I have kept him at arm's length.
It just is not worth the pain and risk involved. Please don't do it.....
Another thing I just thought of... please read through the postings here. I don't think this is the kind of pain you want. You will gain much insight from reading even some of the posts. An affair is secret, it is a relationship based on lies and eventually, it all falls down.
Good luck with your decision....
Edited 12/19/2003 8:51:24 PM ET by i_am_tired
1. Tell yourself that going beyond the platonic boundary with your best friend will jeapordise the friendship. Memorise this sentence and repeat it to yourself when you feel tempted.
2. Avoid situations where you and him are in a quiet place at night just the two of you where physical contact can be oh-so-casually-accidental ...
3. In conversations with him, talk about the good thing that you and your husband have together eg. tell him what fun the two of you had last weekend ... (but don't talk about sex - some guys find that a turn-on!)
4. Imagine your husband's eyes if he finds out you love someone else.
Good luck. I hope you have the strength to prevent the affair from happening, because it'll save you a lot of pain.
Good luck, stay strong and don't cross the line.
Thank you so much for your reply and advice, and I hope you get to see this post too.
I'm very sorry to hear that you are in the situation you are in.
Mine sounds very scarily similar, as we have been very close friends for almost 4 yrs.
Our friendship started out as regular friends, but I was pretty much his support when he was going through his divorce, and it was totally friends then. Then after a while (no intercourse of course), we got so emotionally attached, and I tried to put it all behind me, especially right before I got married, and I did successfully for a while, but the flirting started up again recently, and I feel SO VERY responsible for his hurt, because he feels what his ex-wife did to him, (she left him for another guy overseas that she met online and took his kids with her too), he feels I did the same thing to him by "choosing" to marry my husband over being with him. I have my regrets and thoughts about the whole thing as well, and second-guess if I should be with him, but I think the fact that he has kids already and has such an emotional tie with the ex-wife wouldn't have let me be happy with him.
So he says he will never let another woman ever get close to him again, he doesn't want to feel that pain........I know he is being truly sincere here, but it's emotionally draining me to know he feels I am such a big reason for this...
I want to be happy with my husband, and I don't see why it has to be like this.
I put it like this for him:
What your ex wife did with that other guy overseas and how she ended up leaving you,
well you are that other guy in my marriage right now...Consider how you felt when ur ex left you for that guy, I don't want my marriage to end up like that.
:-(
And as for your situation, I think my advice would be to stay away from the guy as much as possible. I know it hurts on the friendship tip, but what other options are there?
Everytime you see him, you'll probably be reminded of what "was" and what "could" be, and temptation might take its toll again.
I'll respond to your advice in the numeric order you gave it in:
1. We've already crossed the friendship boundary (Please see response/post#6 to "alifechoice"), and though there was no intercourse, we're trying to recover from the emotionality from it now...well I am, he wants to keep living in it even though I'm married!
2. I'll definitely try to avoid the "alone" thing
3. See, but I don't want to make him jealous, because he is my friend after all...I mean I care about his feelings so much; I think I just need to stop being responsive to his flirtatiousness with me and his propositions instead :-/ It's just so harddddd
4. Yeah I know...This would hurt him so much, but I know on top of that, the marriage would be over...that's one thing he said is unforgivable - cheating.
Thank you for wishing me luck, and thanks again for your advice...and to anyone who reads this, try and avoid "innocent" flirting like this in the first place, because it always ends up being something more serious.
Thanks for your post...
I totally agree with the forbidden fruit thing; I think that's why it's so tempting unfortunately!!
Sometimes we do not want the things that are in front of us, but rather we continue searching for more. We want to have our public life, our private life, but also our secret life, and that's just not the way to go.
As far as it being discovered, my husband has noticed a change in my attitude and lack of talkativeness as usual, in the past few weeks (which have been the heaviest flirting and contemplating points), and that's why I'm trying to avoid it so much.
Please read (I believe it's post#6) to member: "a life choice", that will go into a bit more detail specifically as to what the situation was and is.
I really hope you and xterra both see my replies and then tell me what you think.
I am definitely reading through many of the posts here...
I think it's SO GREAT that we live in a time where computers can bring people together like this; I can't imagine living in a time where there would be nobody to talk to, for fear of being discovered...
but here we can all share our situations, pain, anger and advice, and support those who obviously cannot get support otherwise.
So thanks I guess to everyone that comes on here and shares their stories and thanks to those who post advice...
God bless and happy holidays all
(and take things day by day)
\:o)
Great advice and I hope I can see it through...
The things you described is what I felt before my marriage and am feeling now (please see I think post#6 that was to "a life choice"; that goes into a bit more detail on the situation)....
I always felt like I was gaining something out of my relationship with him, my best friend, but the more I ask him to respect me and respect my marriage, the more I feel he is ignoring that.
I really truly don't want to live a life where I have to live in secrecy.
I look forward to starting a family one day with my husband, and even now, with just the flirting that has taken place, nothing more, it's taken away from some of the emotion attachment with my husband, and I have found myself blaming him for little things, which I think is my way of letting off my secret anger at myself for the situation.
As far as your situation goes, I really would urge you to look to God...
I don't want to force my beliefs on anyone, and I'm not really religious to begin with, nor do I attend Church, but I have found in MANY instances, that praying or reading a holy scripture, whether it be the Bible, or from a different religion, that these words have helped calm me and give me a "path" so to speak.
This, above all, has helped me very much through the process.
I would urge the same for you...
and of course, you can email me directly or post on here,
and I would be happy to keep in close contact with you...
Hopefully you'll see this post too..
Have a very nice holiday, and try not to think so much about the A; try to look forward and not back...when I think about how scary and hurtful it would be to lose him even as a friend, it just pains me sooo much, but I also consider how it seems that he doesn't respect my marriage at all, and that in turn means he doesn't respect me fully.
Claiming that "what we have" has nothing to do with me and my husband just (shouldn't) doesn't cut it. Whatever was, or could be, with me and him, is over with and I don't want to pursue or think about it anymore...I hope I'll have the strength to do that, and I hope you have the strength to put the "friendship" aspect of you and XM behind you, and concentrate on allowing yourself to love your husband once again, and to allow yourself to heal and FORGIVE urself...
don't take that guilt around with you forever, or even for much longer.
Please try and see into yourself, locate your pain and pinpoint it, analyze yourself, that's key, and try to work from there...
BEST of luck to you, hopefully we'll hear from each other again
---<@
It took me 17 years to learn the following advice to you on how to avoid temptation:
"I am worth more than a lie to be with. No matter how well I may hide a fling with anyone else, I will always know that I lied to my spouse and valued lying over a life of integrity, impervious to any accusation about my character."
If you truly have a conscience, at some point in time there is a day of reckoning and the lies are no longer justifiable. I hope you don't steal time from your life just to have some great sex......
jmhoo,
cl-nre
Unfortunately, we don't realize it (or willingly ADMIT it to ourselves) until long after the A is over!
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