I broke NC last night......

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
I broke NC last night......
11
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 1:38pm
yes it is true. Me, the strong person who was getting past thing crap broke NC. XOM was text messaging me and I finally had enough and called, not to say hello, how are you but to tell him off. And I did. I was calm, I didn't raise my voice, and I was to the point and rational. It felt good to be in so much control, and I attribute over 6 weeks NC to that. I brought up the crappy things that he did, the lies and the stuff with this other woman and he admitted that he was a pig and what he did was dispicable. I told him that his words really meant nothing and he knew that too. He sounded really depressed, really meek and apologetic, but that is all part of his manipulation. I called him a sick man and told him that i felt pity for him, and he said he was not sick and didn't want my pity. He said he had hit rockbottom, and I told him that he didnt because someone like him always has someone to go to for comfort and doesn't hit rockbottom. He said that if i do not believe anything else, to please believe that he did love me...I told him that he did't know what love was. That his life evolved around getting laid, and that is what is more important to him. I told him that I knew he had a married woman fetish, that apparantly I was not the first and not the last although he led me to believe otherwise. He didn't put up too much of a fight, he knows that I speak the truth and he cannot say anything to defend himself. He mentioned some crap about getting his life together, going back to church and maybe sometime years down the road he could apologize to me and it mean something, or he could write a letter, I told him I didn't think so and not to bother. His words mean nothing. They will always mean nothing. Finally I got tired of hearing his nonsense and I told him I hated him and hung up. I kind of lost my composure towards the end. Bringing up things that he did brought alot of the pain back, feelings that I had suppressed.

Did telling him off make me feel better? no...it served no purpose. The only thing I can say is that maybe now he will stop trying to get in touch with me. NO more letters mailed to me or text messages on my phone. I have changed my phone number numerous times because of him, I guess if I have to then I will do it again. Do I feel like a failure for breaking NC? No...If I had called him crying that I loved him and wanted to be in a relationship with him again then I would have felt like a failure. I am stronger now and I am proud of how I handled things. Now I am only looking towards my future, and it looks bright. I am leaving this pathetic loser and his world of madness in the past where it belongs. I emailed his other married lover and told her to please leave me alone also, I had nothing to say to her I have moved on and they can have eachother. She has no need to be threatened by me any longer. The whole situation is so pathetic and almost comical at this point.

So i was ashamed to come on here and post that I broke NC, but i really felt that I had no choice given that he was not getting the point that NC means forever. Please don't post about what a failure I am. I think given the circumstances I am doing pretty well.

I am eager to move on. The hurt that he has caused will stay with me for a very long time...maybe even forever....but the important thing is that NC will help me get on with my life and away from him forver too...and that is what is most important to me at this time.

Jazzdiva

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 1:47pm
I wouldn't call you a failure for breaking NC, I would say you have made major progress. I would call it the next step in the whole process. You told him like it is and good for you. It feels good doesn't it?

Have a great day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 2:02pm
she - you did what you needed to do...nothing to be embarrassed about. I wish I had the guts to call XMM and tell him everything thats on my mind.....maybe one day I can be as strong as you......and just think, this will help in the healing process. Good luck and thanks for all your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 3:21pm
She's,

You know what song really fires me up? It's Christina A. "Thanks for makin' me a fighter." Anyway it just reminded me of what you wrote. You are a fighter... a survivor that is. Nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. He was pursuing you relentlessly from what it sounded like, maybe this will finally, finally be it... Hopefully.

I hope that your son is getting better! And that you continue to feel in charge of your life!

You deserve all the happiness..

Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 11:31pm
Ok, so you broke nc and you did it because, at that moment, you needed to! There is no shame in that whatsoever.... and this is the "break nc queen" speaking! You have been so strong and will be once again. As the saying goes, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward (or something like that). We have our moments and face it, we are human. That is what got us into these messes to begin with. You are a strong woman, you will come out all the better now!

Chin up!!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 12:38am
thanks tired.....i know that i did it for the right reasons, not because i miss him or want him anymore. Still, it really didn't give me "closure" (i hate that word) and it isn't like I feel so much better now. I do take a little satisfaction with the fact that he is miserable and in a bad place right now, he said that he wakes up every morning and remembers what he lost....that he so f**** up. Then again, WORDS. My therapist spent a good year reminding me that what he says does not matter and finally it has sunken in. I didn't want to believe that I could be so insignificant. I asked him if I was so special then why did he have to f*** everyone else. He said it was about his ego, pride, selfishness..attention....Yeah well thats fine and good but I'm the one that got trashed on, I'm the one that felt the hurt. I told him he wouldn't understand until someone hurt him as much as he hurt me.

This has been such a traumatic week, and I"m really tired of being the drama queen. I can't wait for my kids and myself to be healthy again and to get back to schedule. Thanks for letting me vent, bitch, whine and complain. I'm going to be fine. We all are.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 1:37am
Shes,

I think it is totally understandable (given the circumstances) that you broke NC. My XMM, as far as I know, is NOT trying to contact me in any way....that makes the whole NC thing a lot easier. If I saw his number on caller ID, or had an E-mail in my inbox from him, I'm not sure I'd be able to resist the temptation.

Think of your advice to Cali, regarding starting over in the new year. You did what you felt you needed to do at the time. Maybe now he will stop trying to contact you, and maybe that will lead to *permanent* NC on both sides.

I will be thinking of you and your family over the holidays....

mpjcmom

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 7:51am
Please remember, you are not insignificant. He is the messed up one who managed to get under your skin. I do hope he does not sleep a decent night again for the rest of his life, knowing that he messed you and, God knows how many others, up. It was about HIS ego, selfishness and all that. It is good that you know that. Unfortunately that does not diminish the pain you are suffering.

Now, though, is the time to take care of YOU! You have a family to focus on. Yeah, I know those are words and they are so easy to say, but maybe if we manage to say them enough to ourselves, they will sink in and finally stay put!

As far as the dramatics, we have all been through that, to some degree. Every situation is unique and we handle them in different ways. You have been one of the biggest helps to me and so many others on this board and we won't turn our backs on you now that you are having a rough go of it.

Most of us may only be here via words for you, but, for me anyway, they are words from the heart. We all need to heal and we will all do it in our own time and in our own ways.

With what I have gone through in life (haven't we all), I know that time does heal. I just wish we were more patient to allow time to do what it does best.

I have overcome many obstacles to get me to this point in my life and how was I so weak as to allow one man to almost destroy me (outside of the xh, who almost did it too)? Who knows. This is now another obstacle to overcome. Think of what you do have and be thankful for that and do say good riddance to bad garbage....

Hang in there and I am thinking of you!!!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 9:13am
Thanks everyone...you guys are great.....you really are....

some time has passed since I spoke to XOM so I am feeling a bit more "grounded". Even now, with all that has happened I do not hate him. This either makes me a good person or a really big moron. I really do think that he is "sick" and can't help himself, I told him this. He said that he is not sick, he just has committment issues (understatement of the year) and that when he can afford to he was going to therapy. I guess that is a good step in the right direction for him, but it really has nothing to do with me at this point. What is important for me to understand is that this was all his problem, and for me not to blame myself, which is what people tend to do when involved with an addict.

My family is important to me, and I need to try and salvage it. This is a whole other Pandora's box...but in time it too will sort itself out. I have so much to be grateful for, and I feel like I have been given another chance. If my H left me like he was planning on doing a year or so ago, I would have less options at this moment. All this stuff has been going thru my head. This past weekend has definitely been a period of reflection.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 9:50am
She. I think you did great. Under the circumstances, breaking NC may have been necessary. You made it clear that you want to be left alone. From reading your posts, I believe that he is very disturbed, not just confused. He does have an addiction. It will take extensive therapy for him to work himself out. If he has not even started, then recovery is a long way away for him. Your therapist is right. Nothing that he says matters. You cannot believe anything that he says. That, in and of itself, is so sad.

It is terribly sad to realize that someone is so good at manipulating others that you cannot even trust any emotion that they seem to have. However, you know that your emotions are real and you know the terrible pain that you have experienced. You are doing something to change your situation and your life. He is not. That is the difference. I wish you well. You are very strong.

Lostit

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 12:07pm
Thank you Lostit. I really am not feeling strong lately. I feel really weak and sad. It is sad that he is sick but won't admit to it. He admits the he was selfish and wrong, which I guess is a start, but does it really matter when he is just a liar? It is so hard for me to keep reminding myself that what he says does not matter. Also I was thinking today that he was just trying to get into my good graces because of the custody situation with his exwife and he does not want me to be on her side. Who knows at this point, I could really drive myself crazy trying to figure it out and there is no use to it. I really was better off not speaking to him, because now the things that he was saying are going over and over again in my head.......I hate having to second guess myself, even for a nanosecond. I have to keep reminding myself that he is sick. His problems go way beyond a "committment problem" as he put it. He still wont' admit to being an alcoholic. He did not deny being a sex addict, so maybe that is something sinking in. It isn't my job to fix him anymore, I spent too many years trying to do that. The fact that he wants to get therapy is good, whether it is something that he will really do is highly unlikely. If he does do it then maybe he can have a decent relationship with his children, and maybe he won't go on to hurt anyone else like he did me. His ex-wife keeps reminding me that he will bring nothing but misery or misfortune to any woman that gets involved with him, and I am so lucky that I can walk away. How come I don't feel so lucky? I don't feel lucky at all. I feel like a loser.

Jazzdiva

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