Saw XMM yesterday

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Saw XMM yesterday
1
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 6:43pm
First time here, apologise if this is bit long.

Saw XMM yesterday, he's a Bus driver, I was in my car and we passed each other. He smiled and waved at me seemed really pleased to see me! Now i feel awful can't stop thinking about him.

Some background, he contacted me about 9 months ago through website, we went out for a year in our late teens. We started just talking over old times, then flirting,he told me he was married with kids, I've been divorced for 12 years. He said he had thought of me often over the years, I'd been his first love and he never forgotten me. I had actually met my husband on the rebound from him! He told me his marriage wasn't good and that when they argued which was often she always told him to leave and he had had enough. We got closer talking for weeks and he said he had told his friend about us who knew how bad his marriage was and had told him to go for it! He said it would be the worse thing he could ever do lose me again. I told him the worse thing he could do was to lose his marriage and that I wasn't the answer to his problems, i tried to help him see his wifes point of view and several times we stopped contact only for him to start it up again.

Our feelings for each other got more and more intense, though we were only mailing and texting.

His wife found some of our e-mails and he actually phoned me from home to ask if he could come to me, I could hear her in the background, i told no he couldn't and not to be unkind to her, calling while she had to listen. She e-mailed me to congratulate me amd tell me he was on his way but he decided to try with marriage again, but was soon back in contact. Talking continued for couple of months on and off, he kept saying he had to try with marriage! We eventually saw each other for the first time in 20 odd years and the attraction was still there after all that time. Then met for few minutes and kissed, there was no going back. A week later I was going out for the evening and he asked if he could come along. He turned up, with his brother and his mate who knew all about us, and at the end of the evening he came home and spent the night, went home the next day altough he said he didn't want to, I told him he had to talk to wife. She guessed where he had been but he denied it at first, eventually telling her the truth and telling her in was in love with me. She threw him out and he came to me, think he was shocked told me she was devestated, guess he thought she didn't really care. He stayed one night and went home to talk and again decided to stay and try again! He got back in contact and it has been on off for months but he has never been able to stay way until now.

As he worked shifts he sometimes finished early and came to see me sometimes for 10 minutes or a few hours. It wasn't just a sexual thing we would often just sit cuddled up and talk, infact in the whole nine months we only slept together three times so I know that wasn't his reason for being with me.



Three weeks ago my father was critically ill, we weren't seeing each other as he was trying again at home but we were still talking. I texted XMM on his way home from work to ask when i could talk to him again, he replied "don't know", that hurt so much just when I really needed him so i relied 'OK Fine" he immediatly replied with his work times and told me not to be so touchy.

That night as he often did when she had gone to bed he texted me, I ignored it and turned phone off,early the next morning we were called to the hospital as my father was fading fast, we were there all morning but dad rallied around and we went home,when I turned my phone on was bombarded with textes and missed calls asking where I was and why hadn't I replied, eventually he texted again that evening asking why I hadn't replied and asking if it was over, I gave in and said no.

That Monday my father died, XMM texted me to say his wife had found his phone bill with 656 text to me on and had told him to go,he said he had told her it was only friendship between us etc we spoke for a while and I told him if he needed me i'd get him, said he wanted to try to work it out! I then told him my father had died and that I couldn't be bothered with his problems, he replied he was sorry about my dad & i told him to get lost.

The following day he texted me to say his wife was on the warpath, she knows where I live. I told him good let her come and I'd tell her the truth, he wasn't very pleased. I then had some textes from her she had got hold of his phone, she said I was welcome to him that it was too late for sorry and he was all mine!

Anyway he and I texted on and off for few days there was talk of divorce etc and then he sent message to say, although things were bad and he didn't think deep down that marriage would last he had to give it one last shot and there could be NC. That was three weeks ago what with losing my father and him at the same time I feel devestated. XMM told me he loved me and would never get over me but his children need him and he didn't want to be a part time father and he has to try. Because my emotions are shot to peices I did text him first couple of weeks to tell him how I felt, he replied telling me he'd never get over me etc.

Just as I was starting to stop keep checking my mobile to see if it was broke I had 5 missed calls from him and then a text to say he had been going to come and see how I was but that he didn't blame me for not answering that he was changing his number and wouldn't contact me again, so of course I texted him! told him i loved him but unless he was single I didn't want to hear from him as it hurts to much. He told me he understood. That night he texted me to go on line, he had discovered he had instant messaging, we talked as if nothing had happened and as usually he made me laugh, one of the attractions, evenually told him I had to go said I guessed he wasn't single since lunch time but I didn't care that I missed talking to him, he said he would be in touch but he couldn't text as he had to account for his phone bill.

Well he hasn't been in touch so I texted him last week to ask could he go on line I needed to talk to him as I wanted the chance to say goodbye properly rather than how he had with a few textes that i was fed up of feeling like I do and want to talk and start the new year looking forward instead of stuck in time with him, he said it was awkward as his wife has finished work for Christmas but he would try somehow to get in touch. Told him I thought I had at last found someone who cared and loved me, he replied 'do care and love' that the last i heard from him and then I saw him yesterday and he seemed genuinly pleased to see me and I don't know what to think.

I still can understand the feeling he has that he wants to try to work his marriage out, i tried with mine for 18 months, he always said he loved his wife but wasn't in love with her, same as I was with my husband and I stayed and tried, but how can she just take him back she know about us and has given him several last chances, I imagine they are carrying on as if nothing has happened and that hurts.

I am sorry this is so long and fragmented but I haven't had chance to talk to anyone who has been through the same sort of thing before few friends who would listen are fed up and think I should just forget him, but I love him but know I must move on, it's so hard.

Thank you for listening

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 12:02am
Welcome to the club natty... you will find this board a place where you can get advice, sometimes whether you like it or not and support, always. This is a rough road we made for ourselves. I have been back and forth with the no contact thing for months now and like you, when he would call or message, it would be like there were never any bad times in-between.

As I am sure you are aware, the best thing for you to do is no contact until he is divorced and available to see you openly. I am also single and was able to see my xmm rather openly, as his wife lived in another state. He has since moved back (job loss here), so there is no chance we will run into each other, that is unless he drives the 400 miles back here. One thing I had always asked him was that he had been able to meet my family and friends, but could I meet his? Did they even know of my existence? Nope.

I have told my xmm that I will consider seeing him once a divorce is final. Final, not just filed for. In the meantime, I am not sitting at home waiting for him. As I struggle with not responding to his messages, I am also gaining some strength. Our contact now is minimal as I (again) strive for total no contact.

Don't get me wrong, I fell in love with this man and love him to this day, but I temper that with the realization that he is married and, therefore, unavailable and off-limits to me. Why was it ok to see him for so long? I justified it with all the same reasons.... he is unhappy, married for finances only, they are more "friends" than husband and wife, blah, blah, blah. Truth is, regardless of how happy they are, they are still married. Funny thing is that he has talked of divorce, but the wife is the one who has spoken to an attorney, not him! So, how much does he really want a divorce?

I was no longer willing to be someone's "second best". I deserve to be number one in someone's life and will never settle for less again.

Good luck to you! Keep us posted....