how long will i feel like this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
how long will i feel like this??
6
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 1:35am
this is my first time posting here......i'm married (hoping to divorce within a couple of years), and had a 4 1/2 year relationship with a married man (who is not planning on divorcing)......short background: it was a very intense relationship....we loved each other deeply....but bottom line is he doesn't want to make the changes that would allow us to share our lives......

it's been 7 days of no contact......about 1500 days together, and 7 apart......well, 7 of absolutely no contact anyway.......i know there is general agreement on that no contact is best, but i feel like i'm in hell.....i have moments here and here, especially with being busy with the holidays, when i'm distracted and not thinking about it or feeling it, but those are contrasted with the other moments......the ones that feel like your heart's been completely torn out, and you can't even imagine that the pain is ever going to stop, and you can't figure out what to even do with yourself during these moments, and you know the only thing that will stop the pain, if even for a little while, is to make contact......

i've been having one of those moments for the last 1 1/2 hours......all i keep thinking about is that no contact is just too damn hard....i know that the withdrawals mimic actually addiction withdrawals.....i understand that........so why can't i wean myself off of this drug, like say nicotine addicts do with the patch?......i can't do this cold turkey.....it's pure agony......why can't we do something like contact once a week, for instance, maybe a couple of emails or a phone call........then not again for 2 weeks......then again in 3...etc......for me, knowing that i'm going to be in touch with him at some point is enough to keep me at least functioning in my life, instead of continuing to feel immoblized the way i'm feeling much of the time......and i'm thinking that at some point, when it gets onger in between, there may just come a time when you just don't need the contact any more....is it an insane thought?.....am i crazy for thinking it?.....has anyone ever tried anything like this?....

he would probably never agree to this anyway, because it's been painful for him as well, and he feels NC is best, and that it will get us out of hell quicker than with contact.....i've been the one who didn't want NC, because i know how i am and that i would n't even be able to think straight at work or at home for if i think i'm never going to hear from him again......

sorry this was long......any thoughts, suggestions, etc on how to get through these horrible days/nights..and when it will begin to feel even slightly better......?....thanks.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 8:01am
Ada, there is no easy way to do this. No contact is the best thing, although by far, the most difficult. He has no intentions of leaving his marriage and you are not planning to divorce for a couple of years, right? Setting emotions aside, what would you be waiting for? Do you want to continue a relationship with this man and be second for the rest of your life? If he has no plans to divorce and wants to have you in his life and you can accept being leftovers, then continue contact.

If, however, you want to get your life together and divorce, then you will be able to concentrate on you and maybe meeting someone who is available and can be there for you.

The pain is real and I think so many times, that I want to wean myself from contact. I have been struggling with no contact for MONTHS now. I do know the best thing is no contact, but you then feel like you are losing a part of yourself. I know that in my case, I will go days with no contact and start to feel like I am alive again and then I get a call or a message and it sets me right back to square one. I hate living like this.

Your mm is right, no contact is the best thing. He has no intentions of divorcing and for you to string yourself along only hurts you more the longer you go.

Let him go. He has made his choice.

I don't want to sound harsh and hope I did not. It is just that taking a bite of reality really hurts sometimes.

Keep reading and posting here. There is a wealth of advice and support for you. You are not alone!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 8:38am
thanks, i am tired......no, i don't feel you're too harsh.....i've known for a very long time that i needed to end the relatioship because we didn't want the same things, and there were many attempts at ending it and at no contact.....they were just unsuccessful attempts.....i'm the one who has always attempted to end it, even this time, because i'm the one who wants more.......i know, without a doubt, that ideally what would be best is totally no contact.....but it's so unbelievably painful, and is disrupting my work and home life so profoundly, that i've wondered whether or not i can still get past the relationship with some form of contact, as i usually feel such an unbelievable sense of relief after being in contact with him even in a small way.......

it's interesting what you said about how you feel better after a few days of no contact, and then you hear from him and feel worse again.......i seem to have the opposite problem......when NC begins, i feel sad, but my survival tools seem to function better.......but after about 4 or 5 days or so, it begins to become unbearable, and none of things i do seem to have any effect on how i feel....i'm simply completely drowing in feelings of despair and agony......and from that moment on, it doesn't stop...

this seems to possibly be the first time we might get through this period......we are both fairly determined to do this because we know it would be best for each other.....i want to contact him so much because of what i need to get from that contact, but i don't because i know how it would make things harder for him......and i know he's doing the same thing, thinking that it's the best thing for me.....he's watched me go through so much sadness and pain over not being able to be with him all the time, and i know he doesn't want it to continue......we both truly love each other......you've got to wonder why we would fall i love like that if we weren't going to be able to be together......

how about you?.....what are your plans for trying to keep no contact for longer than a few days......it's sad and i feel bad to hear that you have been going on like that for months...

i will try today to stay away from the computer and not stare for long times into the scree, hoping that he decides to say hi.....he actually unblocked himself for a second last night, i know to see if i had unblocked myself as well, which i hadn't (but i can still see hm unblocked), and i so quickly went to IM him, but he blocked himself again very quickly, and was gone.....i know he was having a rough night too, but just made the decision to stick with NC.....i cried for hours after that.....

i just want this to be over, one way or the other, NC or contact...i just want to feel better, and do want to go on to a new life as soon as i can.....

thanks for your reply and for listening.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 8:55am
I know the temptation of trying to contact them. I have blocked, unblocked and blocked him again. I have all but one avenue of contact via computer blocked. I am struggling to block that last access. Even though I do feel stronger as time goes by, the need to contact him is always there. Why? I wish I knew. Somehow, it might be a need that we have within ourselves. Psychobabble, I know, but worth looking into.

As for my plans of keeping no contact? I have no clue. What my xmm does is wait a couple of days of not hearing from me, then leaves me a message about something horrible or lays a guilt trip on me. The other night, I was out on a date (I am seeing a single man) and xmm left me two voice mails on my cell that he had a horrible nightmare about me being in an accident and he just wanted to know that I was alright. I got home very late, but that did not stop him from calling me at 3AM, "to be sure I was alright".

All I can do is take it one day, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time. Xmm lives far from me now. He was here for work and his w was in the other state (he moved back in July after a job loss here)... 400 miles away. I did not know he was married when we first met, but I found out a few weeks later. So, I am lucky in that I won't run into him being out and I don't have to worry about drive-bys or anything like that.

Try to stick with no contact. Give it all you can and maybe, you will get over the feeling of needing to talk to him.

Keep posting or lurking and gain some strength from us. We are here for you!!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 9:23am
Welcome to the pits of NC hell. We have all been there, or are there now, and we know how you are feeling. It really is gut wrenching. I often asked myself how NC could be so good for me if it hurt like hell. Well what is good for us doesn't always feel good...sort of when an addict goes to detox and they are miserable.

As far as weaning yourself off of this man slowly, there are some on this board that have taken this approach but it does make things harder, not easier. For one thing, when you have contact whether it be computer, phone or in person it is easy to fall back into the same patterns of thinking and you are tempted to start up the A again. We fool ourselves into thinking we can be "buddies" or we can "just do lunch"...next thing you know you're back into the whole thing, and if you're not then you just feel lousey about it.

You say that you are planning on getting divorced down the road but this man is not. I give him credit for being honest with you and not leading you to believe that you can have a future together. You need to think about your future and remind yourself that this is for the best.

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. You ask "how long will I feel like this"..well that really varies from person to person. but the general consensus is that it does get easier. You need to fill your life up with other things...focus on yourself. Try and fill the void that was left now that there is no more A. You will not always feel the way that you do now..I can promise you that.

hang in there.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 9:47am
tired,

you're right....it's not psychobabble....it is definitely all about our own needs and issues, and i'm always exploring those things, i'm reading some good books on the subject, and see a therapist, as well.......

i'm so glad to hear you're dating a single man.....it's great that you're moving forward with your life...at this point, i think about other men just as distractions, and i know that so.it's also a good thing that your MM lives far away......that's such a good thing.....my MM lives 5 minutes away, which doesn't make anything easier.......have you changed your phone number to an unlisted number?...i'm sure you've either done it or thought about it......i hope for you that your MM leaves you alone!!....in the meantime, you're doing the best you can and trying to go on with your life...that's a good thing.........

i'm going to try to stick to NC......i know it will be best, and try to focus on moving on with my life......boards like these are so helpful, too.....thank god someone had the commen sense to start them.....thanks.......ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:42am
thanks, she's......i know NC is the best way to go.....and i have also been through this many times, beginning NC and then believing we could just talk, etc, and falling right back into the whole A......and unfortunately, one of the reasons i've always gone back was precisely because my XMM had not been completely honest with me......don't get the wrong impression.....i never told me that he WOULD get a divorce.......it's just that he never told me he definitely WOULDN'T......it's a situation where he's miserable in his marriage, and wants to be divorced and with me, but there are those circumstances....yada, yada...you've heard them all......his desire to be with me permanently is there, but he can't bring himself to do it......and so for years his answer to whether or not he'd ever leave would be that he knew he couldn't stay married to her forever, but he couldn't tell me more than that.....or maybe his answer would be maybe in 3 years, or 5 years, when his son was whatever age......i held on to each and every smidgeon of hope like it were my last breath.....and couldn't let go......

i will continue to forge forward through this hell, and try to remember all that i've read on this board and others like it, and will try to believe that if i hang on it will get better someday.....

thanks again.......ada