Advice when finally confronted

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Advice when finally confronted
4
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 4:41pm
I was married and got cheated on and also later in life became the other woman. Yes I was stupid as I one got involved in an affair, but even more so believed in him. I have taken responsibility for my part and realize that whatever I get (hurt/pain or otherwise) it is rightfully deserved. Although it is now over because it was discovered I am seeking anyone advice on what transpired. When confronted in front of the both of them, I looked to him to see what he was saying and of course he lied. When confronted a second time by her I answered all of her questions and again he lied. I am overwhelmed with a sense of guilt for what I did - all of it! I did not answer questions because I wanted to hurt her or as stupid as it may seem to hurt him. I was in that place before and I knew that wondering if someone was lying or cheating for me was far worse than actually knowing. I am extremely conflicted on what I did and if I did the right thing by answering all of her questions. I feel extremely stupid for believing and look at myself in the mirror and just shake my head. Any advice or anything is greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 5:08pm
First of all, I'm so sorry that you have to even be here....don't get me wrong the people are wonderful its why we're here thats really sad and scary at times.

Secondly, you know the truth, thats all that matters. My XMM told so many lies that at times, I was asking myself if I imagined the entire affair (lol). My XMM also completely blames me for a 2 year affair as does his wife. Again, you know what really happened and thats all that matters. Are you still married? I wasn't quite sure. And if yes, you will find that our H's are wonderful people. My H has forgiven me and we're trying to move on but I still can't get the XMM out of my mind. Its like hes haunting me.

As for the W, she'll say and do anything to make you the other woman look bad and evil. My XMM, wife called my hubbie numerous times and tried to tell him that he should leave me...much to her disappointment he's still here. As for XMM and I, we're on again off again attempting to be friends....not sure if we'll ever be friends again.

Please don't let the wife bring you down....its like my H says, shes mad and needs to blame someone...so why not blame the other woman especially since this is not the first time that XMM has been caught cheating. Yes we've made mistakes but humans all make mistakes.

And no matter what you've said to her, based on my experience she will not believe a single thing I said even when presented with emails upon emails. In her mind I was the homewrecker and the one who pursued her husband and in turn he was simply manipulated by a woman. In short, XMM, HIS WIFE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR....MY H AND I ARE TO BLAME. So don't be surprised if this is how she views it.....but remember you did nothing wrong.

As everyone here says to me, its time I forgive myself and forget him and his problems.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

Xterra

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 5:12pm
Snow:

Welcome. First, I don't believe any of us deserve this pain - even though we got ourselves into a huge mess by having an affair. I don't believe that because a mistake is made, it automatically deserves punishment by pain. I used to think that way - but, no more. It was the guilt talking. I felt like if I hung on a cross and beat myself repeatedly with verbal whippings, I could attone for my atrocities. It didn't do anything but make me more depressed and feel worse about myself. Please, stop beating yourself up, too, for what you did or didn't do. It is the past. You acted in the best way that you knew how at the time. If you can say that with sincerity, then, that's all you can do. I don't think there is any right or wrong way to act, when stuff gets all messed up in an affair. You tried to fix things...maybe it worked...maybe it didn't. But, ease up on yourself, sweetheart. I don't think your MM or his W are going through the same self-abuse exercise. Please stick around. The women and men here are full of great ideas. You will gain a clearer head eventually and then start feeling better.

Bird
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 7:05pm
Thanks for the replies. No I am not still married. The whole thing is, is that she is being nice and not blaming me at all. I dont know if everything she is telling me about him is true being that she is hurt and all, but I think that is just because I really dont want to believe that I meant absolutely nothing to him - how stupid wanting to believe that. Because from what she tells me he is saying not so nice things about me at all!!! And another thing why, why in the world would he said he came clean and didnt!Although a part of me does believe what she says because she will go beyond telling me things about him and let me know parts of herself and what she has been through with him, the affairs and all. And really thats none of my business. And the other really really sad deluded part of me still cares about him and is afraid he will call and afraid he wont call - is this normal behaviour or even rationale thinking. OMG I sometimes sit back and think this is not my life and that the only thing missing is the camera crew and Jerry Springer LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 7:10pm

Sounds to me like you've learned the value of truth, both hearing and speaking it.


While it's unfortunate xMM lied to you, better to know it now than later what kind of character he really has.


I suggest you forgive yourself and move on. Whatever happens between liar and his wife is his issue, not yours. He had the opportunity to stand up and tell the truth, thereby giving real value to your relationship with him and he chose to lie. Lack of character to save his own skin. Buh-bye........


Going forward from here please remember to tell yourself you have real value as a person and have the right to a relationship that is above-board, in the open and 24/7. Please don't settle for anything less than that for yourself or from anyone you date......


You've learned some real lessons from these life experiences. I hope you use them in the future......