Been ages, but I'm back...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Been ages, but I'm back...
7
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 4:47pm
Well, it's been sooo long since I've been here. The Board has a new format and all your names are different, but I expect this tiger has the same stripes it always has.

Quick update so you can know me. In April, 2001, my XMM - a man I'd known for 20 years (1st boyfriend/1st everything) and had an affair with for around 4 years told me he was leaving his wife - for another woman. Well, I played queen drama, and rode the roller-coaster until September, 2002. I never spoke to him again the day after I found out he'd gotten married that September. I mean, I dropped him... just ended an e-mail conversation in the middle - never replied to him again. Had my numbers blocked. Changed jobs. I saw him once after in the grocery store and almost threw up.

I've cried so often (though less the last 6 months) over him. Still miss him, but of course, desperately hurt by it all.

Anyway... he showed up on my doorstep a little over two weeks ago. We talked for about 30 minutes before he had to leave - to go home to his new wife who didn't know he was there... argh!! It was really small talk - he seemed "mad" at me for deserting him as a friend - but wants to be able to talk. I honestly didn't know what to say to him - I mean, why get all dramatic about it. In my mind, it was all over, done, finished. Well, now.... he's back on my mind. I think, "I can just call him and wish him Merry Christmas." As a matter of fact, that's been on my mind all day and for several days now. I've had all the mental discussions I can take with myself about it - - and I'm afraid I'll just pick up the phone and do it.

Could he really just want to be friends? Can "I" do that/do I want to? Why the heck did he have to show up on my doorstep?!!??

Hoping for some input from ladies who know what I'm dealing with. Or a swift kick in the pants??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 5:48pm
Hi. I would say DON'T DO IT!!! My A also lasted over 4 years, but I have not done the time like you have. I cannot imagine ever trying to be just friends with my xMM. I believe your post has helped me to understand why. It is your reaction to him. You cannot be indifferent about him. He still stirs up too many emotions in you. I believe that would be my experience, even 2 years from now. Also, he DID NOT have to show up at your doorstep. I believe that shows the same lack of respect that he demonstrated before. Please be cautious. It could mean that he wants you to call. It must mean that he is still not fullfilled in his "new life". As I am sure you know by now, he has to learn to fullfill himself. Just think about all of the hard work that you have done. He has done none of that. He is in the same place that he was in 2 years ago. You are in a much different place.

Hang in there. Glad your back for support.

Lostit

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:31pm
Your story really reminds me of someone else who posted here a while ago. She was involved with a married man who left his wife, divorced and they became engaged. The relationship didn't go well; he was distant, and she wound up leaving the state and ending the relationship. He went off and married someone else and showed up on her doorstep a few years later and they became involved again. She was really struggling when she posted here.

My advice is to just stay away from him. It sounds like you have been through a terribly hurtful experience with this man. I don't think friends hurt each other that way. Maybe I'm just naive and rigid, but I don't see any reason for getting involved with him again. There are too many other people in the world ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 11:38pm
jesmoii.....

i think you already know the answers, but are letting old feelings resurface and cloud your judgment......but while those old feelings are resurfacing, remember, also, how you felt when it was over.....and how little regard this man had for you in the past, and how much he hurt you......

men just don't show up on old girlfriends' doorsteps because they're in need of friendship......i hate to sound cynical, but men rarely seek out women for friendship, even if they swear up and down that that's what they want......it just never is......

i've just ended a very intense 4 1/2 year relationship, and am going through the hell that you and everyone else on this board has either gone through or is going through.....and i'm sure you know, and can remember, just what that hell was like.......and how you feel like it's never EVER going to end, and you're never going to be OK again.......AND YOU MADE IT!........that's an incredible miracle to me, from where i'm standing right now...because i'm in the place where it feels like i'm never EVER going to get over this and feel healthy again......please don't put yourself at risk for having to go through this hell again.......it won't be any easier than the last time, and might even be worse because you'll want to kick yourself for walking back into it again......

think about it like an addiction.....like nicotine......and you've gotten so far and been so successful, gone through the unbelievable hell involved with quitting smoking...it's taken you a very long time, but you've done it.....YEAH!......would giving into the temptation to have just one cigarette be worth the possibility that you'd have to go back to square one and start all over again, and relive that hell again?......i don't think so........

i often wish i could just fast-forward my life and be at the point you're at, at least with regard to being over my MM and moving forward with my life......you're already there........you've made it!.....keep going and don't look back........

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 4:51am
HiYa,

Check your yahoo mail?

Love, Sweet
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 8:51am
you know this guy is not your friend & doesn't have YOUR interests at heart. Steer clear -- protect yourself from this wolf in sheep's clothing. If he cared about you, he'd do it from a distance & not to try to leech onto your life ever again.

Time is your friend. Stay away & in time, you'll be stronger & know you don't want this junk in your life ever again. You deserve much better & you know it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 8:03am
RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Regardless of what he says, he contacted you for his own selfish reasons.

If you call him you will throw all your growth and healing RIGHT IN TO THE TRASH CAN!

I always think of X's like pollen or cat hair. Things that I am allergic to. If you are allergic to it, you avoid it.

Yes, it is as simple as that.

Stay strong!

aquagirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 3:30pm
Thanks you guys! I know you're all right, and really needed to just hear it again. Happy New Year to you all!