About NC!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
About NC!
12
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 6:01pm
I ended my A back in September, I was a regular around here for awhile and it proved to be one of the smartest things I could have done to get over the most emotionally painful experience of my life.

I know that I am gonna catch a lot of slack for this, but I wanna say it anyhow; I maintained NC for a long time, painful as it was. I kept my distance as best I could, worked through some issues, allowed myself to heal, and something happened; My OM and I have actually become real, normal friends.

I must admit, I was very uncomfortable with the whole NC issue to start with. I have never in my lifetime had what I viewed as a "bad breakup", I was always able to salvage whatever friendship was there to start with. I thought, what makes an A any different? Why can't we eventually become friends again?

Everyone said it was not possible. So I functioned under the assumption that everyone was right, a clean break is absolutely essential for success. But I have since realized something; in a lot of ways, NC was just a patch to me, a way for me to temporarily avoid the temptation until I became strong enough to deal with it. For me to succeed, and to go on living life KNOWING that I would never go back and that it was not what I wanted for myself EVER again, I had to be able to overcome it, with or without temptation present.

I feel with all of my heart that I have overcome it. I won't go back because I can't go back; I can't ever feel such utter despair, such complete hopelessness again. I cannot ever again misuse the trust of my husband, a good and loving man. I cannot allow myself to fall back into such a whirlwind of emotions, where I never knew what exactly it was I was feeling. NO MATTER how much I am tempted, I firmly believe that I have gained the strength and the wisdom to know that this path is really, truly a dead end road and I will never again willingly put myself through such turmoil again.

For those reasons, I have accepted my friend back into my life (the OM). I have let go of all the negative feelings I had for him that had consumed me, I no longer obsess about him and his life, but I am still genuinely happy to see him or hear from him occasionally. Life goes on for both of us, and our lives are richer when they are filled with people we love and have loved. It was really neccesary for me to get past these things rather than avoid them...which leads me to the ultimate question...

Is NC simply avoidance of a bigger issue? Is it meant to get you through the initial pain and withdrawal, until you are strong enough to tackle the bigger issues? Thoughts anyone?

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Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: dahlia74
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 7:32pm
Dahlia.

Congratulations on your ability to become friends with the OM. It seems like you have worked it through and have emerged victorious. I for one am applauding you.

The important thing to remember though is that you were able to become normal friends after a period of NC. Maybe the NC was important for you to do first. When we take ourselves OUTSIDE the box and can look at a situation from a different perspective, and get over all the obsession and emotions then maybe we can indeed become normal friends. But we have to get to that healthy point first.

Each one of us have different situations. Some of us need NC in order to function. Others do NC because they have no choice, the spouses found out or the XMM XOM demanded NC. I did NC because XOM is toxic and we could not have ANY type of relationship, friendship or not.

Is NC running away from something? Hell no. I think if anything it is running towards something. Ourselves. Taking control. Do you all have a relationship from your past that devastated you? I do....it was a college boyfriend. He went to dental school and broke my heart. You know what? I think back that I cried over this moron and I laugh. I ran into him a couple of times and we occasionally talk and we just laugh at how stupid we were. Its kind of a nice feeling, like seeing an old friend. Time heals all wounds...keeping away from someone is healing.

I know i am rambling on, this medication I am on is making me delirious.

Good job Dahlia. I hope to be in a healthy place like you are soon.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
In reply to: dahlia74
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:26pm
Dahlia - I agree with you! And I'm so glad you're friends. I myself hate breaking off contact with anyone who meant something to me, and I don't intend to walk away from my xOM because his friendship means the world to me. I'm working on our friendship too, and it's progressing. We both have not lost sight of our original intention - that whatever happens, we must remember that we are FRIENDS.

I know NC speeds up the healing process, and it's like a temporary (but necessary) escape. To me, it's a way of taking a huge step back from a painful situation, to hibernate, lick your wounds... but like you, I couldn't maintain NC forever with anyone. Eventually I will want to come back into contact with that person.

Well done. I feel like my spirits have risen just by reading your good news. I will come back to your post when I feel down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
In reply to: dahlia74
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:17pm
dahlia....

thank you for that post....i have just ended a 4 1/2 year relationship with someone who turned out to be my best friend, and i did not want to have absolutely NC, mainly because i treasure his friendship and do not want to be without it.....but it was too painful for my MM to remain friends at this time....i'm hoping that a period of NC will allow us to eventually be able to give to each other the friendship that we shared for all of those years......i, too, have been struggling with the necessity of NC and whether or not it truly is the answer.....and i agree with others, who've said that the situation varies from person to person, and for some people it is definitely the answer....for me, i simply can't understand why the friendship we offered to each other should end.....but i do think it takes both people to maturely accept reality, be forgiving, and to truly understand the value of real friendship.....i'm finding, unfortunately, that many men seem to not need or understand the value of friends.......or i should say that i think they value friendship within the context of a romantic relationship, and they want friendship in those types of relationships as much as women do, but outside of romantic relationships, they often don't seek out real friends.....and when affairs end, as happened in my situation, my MM truly misses my friendship, but does not really understand how valuable it could be even without all of the other aspects of the relationship.....which is sad, for him, and for me.......

but your post has given me real hope that maybe someday we'll be able to resume a real friendship, and be able to talk with each other and help each other out with the usual stuff friends share......i'd love that to happen, and hope that he can grow to be in that place someday.......

have a wonderful holiday, and thank you again for sharing that......

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: dahlia74
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:43pm
I feel like I could have written your post. I do think that the initial NC to gain the strength to move on was beneficial. My XMM and I are on friendly terms and neither of us wants to go there again. My A ended in Sept also and it's taken some time to get where I am now, happy. I didn't think that it would ever be possible to get to this point.

All of this has taken such a toll on me and I feel like I have moved on with my life. I sincerely want happiness for him and his W. Looking back, I had so much to lose if we were caught. So as fate has it, I am past it and feel like I am a better person.

Good luck to you, I'm right with you on this one.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: dahlia74
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:51pm
Okay but lets talk about the meaning of "friends" for a moment, shall we? does it mean occasional phone call, dinner and a movie, or talking online? AT what point is it inappropriate? Dr PHil says anything that you do that you feel you have to hide from a spouse is inappropriate.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
In reply to: dahlia74
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:02am
I am so glad to hear that others can see where I am coming from. I do agree that the NC was essential for me to gain perspective and be able to think clearly, but I am happy with the end results, just the same.

There is, for me, only one aspect of my friendship w/OM that is hidden from my husband and that is our past. My H actually grew to know my OM and become friends with him during the A (although he did not ever actually find out about the A), so I do not have to hide the relationship. He talks to me, and my husband, about his girlfriends, his future, etc...sometimes I don't see him or speak to him for weeks and other times I see him daily. I don't keep track anymore, it feels like any other friendship. We do occasional favors for each other, etc.

What led me back to him, made me seek his friendship once more; About a month ago I had a CLOSE call with beginning another A and I really needed someone who knew this side of me to talk some sense in to me, to expect better from me. The reason I began the A in the first place was for the sex, and a year and a half later it had gotten completely out of control. I had myself, once again, talked into thinking that beginning a relationship that was COMPLETELY physical, no emotions involved, would not be such a bad thing. However, obvisously that was what I thought the first time around and it did not work out as planned, and I do not want to become a serial adulterer. No other person could have helped me through my moment of weakness, no one else could have reminded me of how horrible it felt at times, how I felt I could sink no lower and I was no longer in control of my own life.

Anyhow, back to NC. I think it is necessary until you are really, truly healed. You cannot sit back waiting, wondering how long is long enough, when will it be ok to end it. You have to think like it is forever until you know that it is not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
In reply to: dahlia74
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:15am
Doesn't it feel good to let go of all those crappy feelings? Make no mistake about it, I was a raving lunatic for about a month, I felt like I could not get myself out of bed in the mornings. For the first week I was in a constant percoset haze, I lost weight, couldn't sleep, you name it. It is good to think back to that, and look at ourselves now, and see the real progress that has been made. It was a lot of work, and it took a lot of effort. I have since been promoted at my job, regained the appreciation for my husband that I had somehow lost sight of, etc. I can't remember the last time I had a "bad day". Peace at last!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: dahlia74
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 8:45am
I don't believe NC is a "patch" -- for lots of us, it's an essential move to end a toxic relationship. And no matter how "good" the affair is, it's a toxic relationship for many of us because: it's based on deceit -- cheating on marriage vows, lying to people you love (both sides, I'm single but I lied to family & friends to be with MM), and cheating yourself out of a full, real, rich, RISKY relationship.

I was in an A for over 3 years with an MM who was my "best friend" for years prior to the A -- I believed at first that the relationship was good for me because I believed it helped heal me from a really bad marriage that seemed to suck all the joy & sexiness & fun from my life. Maybe it did at first but I don't care how good something is, if it's based on lies & deceit, it catches up with you. I could never feel completely good about myself because of what I was involved in.

After it was over -- I ended it last Spring. It was a good 3 mos. before I stopped "missing" him. I missed what I perceived to be unconditional love. He never got mad at me -- but it was also never real. It took another 3 mos. before I started seeing how rich a REAL relationship with 2 honest available people can be. Now, 8 mos. into a new & REAL relationship, the MM is where he belongs -- a distant memory. No threads, no connections. Just memories.

To maintain the "friendship" FOR ME, would just hold me back into that scared hidey-hole I lived in with him -- a hide out from "real life" while I recovered. It served its purpose. I see that he latched onto me at a vulnerable time in my life & did everything in his power to keep me stuck there with him. He didn't truly love me & wasn't a real friend. My friends and family who love me want me to have a full rich happy life. He wanted me to stay hiding out with him, soothing our pain with crumbs. it was more like being a couple of drug-addicts than being in a honest, fulfilling relationship. I couldn't see that until I was truly free -- and that took about 6 mos. of NC.

If you believe that this relationship somehow truly enriches your life, keep it. I think that's very possible but a rare thing. Most affairs are too enmeshed in unhealthy feelings & motivations -- on one or both sides. If that's true for others, then for them, they need NC to find clarity to evaluate what the relationship really is for them.

Good luck everyone! I'm grateful to say I'm almost a year free of the affair. I feel clean & strong & happy. NC worked for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
In reply to: dahlia74
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 10:11am

I love your post and said SO MANY of the things you've written to my XMM.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: dahlia74
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 10:20am
She,

I agree with Dr Phil and don't hide anything from my H about our friendship now, except, like dahlia, the past that he doesn't know about. I think hiding things would put someone right back where they started. Yikes, don't want to go there!!! Since we are co-workers, neighbors and are in the same social circle we have no choice but to see each other, it's just different now. It's like talking to anyone else in the office. If the situation was different and I knew we would never have to see each other, then yes, I would stay strictly NC. Some of the things xmm does that I thought we so great actually annoy me now. So that's a good thing.

It took a lot of "letting go" to get to this point and I don't miss anything from before.

Have a great holiday.

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