New, It's Over, Confused....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
New, It's Over, Confused....
12
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 6:45pm
I am new here, but I have been reading your board on and off for the last year and a half, wondering what it is like when an affair ends. Well, my affair ended this month, and I am devestated and confused.

Our affair began as a friendship. MM has been married two years, unhappily, and no kids. I am married with a couple of kids. I met MM when I was going through a hard time in my life, in particular a painful affair I was having with another man. MM was devoted to me as a friend, and he was also deeply in love with me. I did NOT feel the same way. Besides, after my terrible affair with someone else, I was terribly against affairs. So, MM and I agreed that affairs were terrible, and we agreed never to ruin our wonderful friendship by becoming romantically involved.

Then his office transferred him across the country. Suddenly, it seemed like now or never to BOTH of us. We both feared losing one another if we did NOT act on our feelings before he moved away. So we did. And it was wonderful, loving, special, etc., and I felt the love. I fell. When he left, we pledged our devotion, and we agreed to make it work.

The trouble was, once he got to his new city, he was less devoted to me. He still called me every day, emailed me, text messaged, etc., but something had changed. I could sense that he was pulling away as he became enmeshed in his new life. Complicating matters was that his wife had to quit her job in order to move with him, and he felt guilty over that. Over the course of the next few months, I could feel him withdrawing, but he would always tell me I was wrong, that he wanted me, wanted us, that he didn't love his wife, that he wanted to be with me, that it was not a matter of IF we would be together but WHEN and HOW. I was sad a lot, felt neglected. He had to explain himself a lot to me. I became more insecure, and he was apologetic, admitting that he was not treating me the way he had promised but also admitting that he did not know how to change.

Well, it was always planned that he would return to my city for a two week period around the holidays, without W, and we would spend our time together. But before he arrived, he changed the two weeks to 10 days and then a week, and then it became clear that he had a lot of things to do and people to see besides me, and we had a huge fight over this, and it led to him saying that he could not be in an affair, that it was not right for him, for us, that we were destroying what we had.

He swore up and down that his feelings for me did not change at ALL. He just was uncomfortable in an affair, that his weird behavior toward me all along was due to that discomfort and that he wanted to get back to where we could be happy together again, even if it meant not having a sexual relationship. He told me he still wants me, desires me and loves me deeply but that he can't have an affair.

At first I was okay with it. And then I wasn't. And then I was. And then he arrived in my city, and we were hanging out together, and he kept telling me how much he loves me and being really, really physical and flirtatious, and I started to think that maybe he was changing his mind. But when I asked what the deal was, he said he was touchy-feely with me because he is so attracted to me, but he still cannot have an affair.

I was upset and hurt and told him I couldn't be friends with him if he was going to give me mixed signals, and then HE was hurt because he couldn't understand how I could throw away our friendship. So, the night before he left, he ended up coming over and sitting in my front yard with me into the wee hours of the morning, while my husband slept upstairs, and we talked and talked and cried and talked, and somehow, we both did end up feeling okay with it all.

BUT.....the thing that gets ME is the pain of rejection...that he was ABLE to reject me. That he could resist the impulse to be with me. He wanted me so desperately, and once he HAD me (and it was only ONCE), he started to pull away. He doesn't love his wife. But he doesn't want to change his life. And so I am the one who ends up getting rejected, at least as a lover. In truth, I am okay with it in the sense that I don't want to be in an affair either, and frankly the sex was nothing to write home about. BUT once I was in the "affair", I didn't want it to be over. Now, we have this really flirtatious and intense friendship that is all about love, love, love, and it might as well be an affair, except that but we are never going to act on it. And I don't want to act on it. But I do! See how confused I am?

I feel very drained emotionally, happy but sad, relieved that we still have an "us", but sad that he will be sleeping with his wife and our love will never be physical again. And he is back in his new city halfway across the continent.

I need some support, some input, some insight. Can anyone help me? Does anyone have any comments?

Lotus

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 7:13pm
This relationship you have with him isn't giving you the stability and happiness that you want. You are very unhappy most of the time. It would be best to sever the ties that bind you to him. He has told you that he doesn't want an affair. So you can expect that he will keep you on the back burner as long as you will let him.

It is puzzling to believe that you would want to be a second hand love. Have you no respect for yourself?

Come back to reality and smell the roses, you are fretting your life away. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 7:18pm
Apparently, I did not have enough respect in myself to not get into this affair. But should I really throw the baby out with the bathwater? I mean, if we were friends for most of this, and only slept together once, can I somehow find peace in this relationship now that it has been racheted down to a special friendship again? Has anyone been through anything like this?

Remember - this really isn't about "sex". Sex was the LEAST important aspect of our relationship, it was more about friendship and love. I never saw myself as a second hand love either - what I saw myself as was his number one love. However, that could not take away the pain of NOT being in his every day life, of NOT being able to tell the world about us, and it did nothing to stop him from torpedoing the relationship because he was uncomfortable living a dual life.

We got involved for the wrong reasons - by which I mean, instead of getting into an affair because we both knew what an affair involved and we both had a plan for how it was going to work, we got into an affair because we were hanging onto each other for dear life just as he was leaving for another city. We slept together to create a bond that would have a greater hold than mere friendship. It was the wrong decision, for noble reasons.

BUT that is all water under the bridge now. Now I have to deal with what comes next. Now I have to deal with my feelings about it - with the fact that I opened myself up on a very deep level - an initimate level - and now I have to shut that down again.

Can anyone help me out here?




Edited 12/23/2003 8:13:33 PM ET by lotusflower4u

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:11pm
Stick around lotusflower. There are many married women on the board who can help you through this.

In my opinion, it sounds like what you have is an emotional affair. And emotional affairs are often harder to end than physical affairs and just as binding, more binding in some cases.

Have you taken a look at your marriage and tried to figure out what's making you so dissatisfied that you are on your second affair? I'm not saying this to be critical; I'm just asking because you don't really mention your husband at all. You say the MM doesn't love his wife -- men often say that about their wives, and it's usually not true -- how about you? Do you love your husband?

Married people usually find it helpful to try to figure out why they got into affairs. Some people think that it's an escape strategy, that it's about avoiding things you don't want to face. But I'm sounding too preachy so I'll stop here.

You did say you had been on the boards for a while, right? So I'm sure you know all about the pain, bitterness, anger and torment that affairs can cause ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:16pm
Lotus, it always amazes me to see so many posts that I could have written... "I never saw myself as a second hand love. What I see is a friendship that should never have been more that turned into more for the wrong reasons and at the wrong time" oh I SO relate to that! Just reading that sentence in your post made my heart skip a beat.

You may have stopped the sexual part of the relationship, but the fact is, you're still having an affair - an emotional one. Most of us on this board may have 'ended' our affairs, but most of the time our hearts refuse to follow the same example, and we continue loving him... OUCH OUCH OUCH. Join the club!

Anyway, others might post otherwise, but I like to believe that it's possible to stay friends with your ex, but through a lot of hard work, and a lot of pain. cl-noregretsever says it takes civility and maturity on both sides to continue being friends, and I agree totally. But I must warn you it will be painful. I think you need to take time out from the friendship, take a step back, and minimise contact because it will help clear your mind. It'll also be agonising no doubt, but you need to do it. I believe that if your friendship was good to begin with, it'll continue, even if you have to take a sabbatical and disappear from it for a while.

Good luck, and have a good christmas.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:23pm
What was your situation, wasnotthinking? Were you friends first as well? Please tell me...thanks...I need to know I am not alone...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:57pm
Lotus, my affair with my MM started out as friendship and then became FWB (friends with benefits) which suited us both just fine as we were both married with kids and never thought about leaving our marriages. Then, after 3 years, things got a little more frequent and a little more intense until all of a sudden we were exchanging the "L" word and talking about a future. He left his wife, even, for a short time, and the sex was out of this world fantastic. Now it's all over, I have had NC for a whole week now (except seeing him almost daily because he lives nearby), and it feels like my gut has been ripped out, but it's getting a teeny-tiny bit easier every day. Be glad that he's so far away, it should make things easier, but you have to stop the communications. You said that you "never saw myself as a second hand love either - what I saw myself as was his number one love", but that couldn't possibly be true or he wouldn't be halfway across the US with his wife and not you. I know that hurts, believe me I know all too well how bad that hurts, but be glad for the friendship and let things die down and see how you feel in a few months. I think part of the pain we all are feeling right now lies in part due to the fact that it's the holidays when emotions run higher anyway, plus it's winter and the days are shorter and we're stuck inside and don't have the physical outlets for our emotions that we do in the warmer weather. Don't do anything stupid, just let your husband love you and try to love him back or else get out, but do it for you, not your MM.

I want my friend back, too, and I hope you get yours, but only time will tell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:10pm
We were never friends with benefits...we went from best friends to serious boyfriend and girlfriend (albeit married)...so, I never even got to enjoy that thrilling sex that you enjoyed. I am mourning the loss of so much, including all the good sex I thought I would have....my MM is not that sexual of a guy, unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately. I look back and I realize it was all wrong. I am in constant contact with him for now, but I do see the benefit of extricating myself even gradually over time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 9:13am
Well, we have been talking, and he still maintains that he wants me and loves me but that he just can't be in an affair....

Should I believe him that he still feels the love? It hurts my ego to think that he was able to pull the plug on the sexual part of our relationship. He has never pulled the plug on any other aspect of our relationship, though. Actually, he is more loving and attentive now that we are back to just the emotional affair.

He keeps saying this is tough and confusing, and it's hard to feel gracious about me trying to make my marriage work when he still wants me but that he wants me to be happy. I feel the same, I mean, I want him to be happy, but it really bothers me to imagine that he may end up staying with his wife long term. I asked him last night if she and he have found that intimacy that has been missing, and he said "no, not at all!"

I am so confused. Someone help me....I know that I should never ever go back to this relatioship unless he and I are both free of our spouses, but it still hurts, and I still want him to want me. And I want to know that there is some chance that we can be together someday...

Any insight? Anyone in this type of situation? I know that I have never been!! My other affair was completely the opposite...the sex was amazing and passionate and constant, but the love was inconsistent, and he was always pulling away from me emotionally and running away from our relationship..I would have to chase that other guy down in order to maintain the affair. This is completely the opposite. I don't know which way is better, probably neither.

Anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:05am
When I read posts like yours, and believe me, I've been there....I always think the same thing.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:59am
I know that is true of many, but not me. I have been therapized for years, did Freudian analysis and everything. I am very happy with myself and I have fairly good internal self esteem. In this case, I made a mistake and did not protect myself - I got involved with someone who was very very very likely to hurt me. That is my major mistake. Falling in love with him was not the mistake. Acting on it was. Believing that the impossible can happen was. I am dealing with this remarkably well, in that I am not looking to get back into the painful affair. But I am in pain nevertheless, grieving the loss of something and someone I loved and a future I thought we could have. It is the grieving process I am needing help with....I am looking for like-minded people here. Hope there are others who have been through similar stories.

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