New, It's Over, Confused....
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| Tue, 12-23-2003 - 6:45pm |
Our affair began as a friendship. MM has been married two years, unhappily, and no kids. I am married with a couple of kids. I met MM when I was going through a hard time in my life, in particular a painful affair I was having with another man. MM was devoted to me as a friend, and he was also deeply in love with me. I did NOT feel the same way. Besides, after my terrible affair with someone else, I was terribly against affairs. So, MM and I agreed that affairs were terrible, and we agreed never to ruin our wonderful friendship by becoming romantically involved.
Then his office transferred him across the country. Suddenly, it seemed like now or never to BOTH of us. We both feared losing one another if we did NOT act on our feelings before he moved away. So we did. And it was wonderful, loving, special, etc., and I felt the love. I fell. When he left, we pledged our devotion, and we agreed to make it work.
The trouble was, once he got to his new city, he was less devoted to me. He still called me every day, emailed me, text messaged, etc., but something had changed. I could sense that he was pulling away as he became enmeshed in his new life. Complicating matters was that his wife had to quit her job in order to move with him, and he felt guilty over that. Over the course of the next few months, I could feel him withdrawing, but he would always tell me I was wrong, that he wanted me, wanted us, that he didn't love his wife, that he wanted to be with me, that it was not a matter of IF we would be together but WHEN and HOW. I was sad a lot, felt neglected. He had to explain himself a lot to me. I became more insecure, and he was apologetic, admitting that he was not treating me the way he had promised but also admitting that he did not know how to change.
Well, it was always planned that he would return to my city for a two week period around the holidays, without W, and we would spend our time together. But before he arrived, he changed the two weeks to 10 days and then a week, and then it became clear that he had a lot of things to do and people to see besides me, and we had a huge fight over this, and it led to him saying that he could not be in an affair, that it was not right for him, for us, that we were destroying what we had.
He swore up and down that his feelings for me did not change at ALL. He just was uncomfortable in an affair, that his weird behavior toward me all along was due to that discomfort and that he wanted to get back to where we could be happy together again, even if it meant not having a sexual relationship. He told me he still wants me, desires me and loves me deeply but that he can't have an affair.
At first I was okay with it. And then I wasn't. And then I was. And then he arrived in my city, and we were hanging out together, and he kept telling me how much he loves me and being really, really physical and flirtatious, and I started to think that maybe he was changing his mind. But when I asked what the deal was, he said he was touchy-feely with me because he is so attracted to me, but he still cannot have an affair.
I was upset and hurt and told him I couldn't be friends with him if he was going to give me mixed signals, and then HE was hurt because he couldn't understand how I could throw away our friendship. So, the night before he left, he ended up coming over and sitting in my front yard with me into the wee hours of the morning, while my husband slept upstairs, and we talked and talked and cried and talked, and somehow, we both did end up feeling okay with it all.
BUT.....the thing that gets ME is the pain of rejection...that he was ABLE to reject me. That he could resist the impulse to be with me. He wanted me so desperately, and once he HAD me (and it was only ONCE), he started to pull away. He doesn't love his wife. But he doesn't want to change his life. And so I am the one who ends up getting rejected, at least as a lover. In truth, I am okay with it in the sense that I don't want to be in an affair either, and frankly the sex was nothing to write home about. BUT once I was in the "affair", I didn't want it to be over. Now, we have this really flirtatious and intense friendship that is all about love, love, love, and it might as well be an affair, except that but we are never going to act on it. And I don't want to act on it. But I do! See how confused I am?
I feel very drained emotionally, happy but sad, relieved that we still have an "us", but sad that he will be sleeping with his wife and our love will never be physical again. And he is back in his new city halfway across the continent.
I need some support, some input, some insight. Can anyone help me? Does anyone have any comments?
Lotus

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It is puzzling to believe that you would want to be a second hand love. Have you no respect for yourself?
Come back to reality and smell the roses, you are fretting your life away. good luck
Remember - this really isn't about "sex". Sex was the LEAST important aspect of our relationship, it was more about friendship and love. I never saw myself as a second hand love either - what I saw myself as was his number one love. However, that could not take away the pain of NOT being in his every day life, of NOT being able to tell the world about us, and it did nothing to stop him from torpedoing the relationship because he was uncomfortable living a dual life.
We got involved for the wrong reasons - by which I mean, instead of getting into an affair because we both knew what an affair involved and we both had a plan for how it was going to work, we got into an affair because we were hanging onto each other for dear life just as he was leaving for another city. We slept together to create a bond that would have a greater hold than mere friendship. It was the wrong decision, for noble reasons.
BUT that is all water under the bridge now. Now I have to deal with what comes next. Now I have to deal with my feelings about it - with the fact that I opened myself up on a very deep level - an initimate level - and now I have to shut that down again.
Can anyone help me out here?
Edited 12/23/2003 8:13:33 PM ET by lotusflower4u
In my opinion, it sounds like what you have is an emotional affair. And emotional affairs are often harder to end than physical affairs and just as binding, more binding in some cases.
Have you taken a look at your marriage and tried to figure out what's making you so dissatisfied that you are on your second affair? I'm not saying this to be critical; I'm just asking because you don't really mention your husband at all. You say the MM doesn't love his wife -- men often say that about their wives, and it's usually not true -- how about you? Do you love your husband?
Married people usually find it helpful to try to figure out why they got into affairs. Some people think that it's an escape strategy, that it's about avoiding things you don't want to face. But I'm sounding too preachy so I'll stop here.
You did say you had been on the boards for a while, right? So I'm sure you know all about the pain, bitterness, anger and torment that affairs can cause ...
You may have stopped the sexual part of the relationship, but the fact is, you're still having an affair - an emotional one. Most of us on this board may have 'ended' our affairs, but most of the time our hearts refuse to follow the same example, and we continue loving him... OUCH OUCH OUCH. Join the club!
Anyway, others might post otherwise, but I like to believe that it's possible to stay friends with your ex, but through a lot of hard work, and a lot of pain. cl-noregretsever says it takes civility and maturity on both sides to continue being friends, and I agree totally. But I must warn you it will be painful. I think you need to take time out from the friendship, take a step back, and minimise contact because it will help clear your mind. It'll also be agonising no doubt, but you need to do it. I believe that if your friendship was good to begin with, it'll continue, even if you have to take a sabbatical and disappear from it for a while.
Good luck, and have a good christmas.
I want my friend back, too, and I hope you get yours, but only time will tell.
Should I believe him that he still feels the love? It hurts my ego to think that he was able to pull the plug on the sexual part of our relationship. He has never pulled the plug on any other aspect of our relationship, though. Actually, he is more loving and attentive now that we are back to just the emotional affair.
He keeps saying this is tough and confusing, and it's hard to feel gracious about me trying to make my marriage work when he still wants me but that he wants me to be happy. I feel the same, I mean, I want him to be happy, but it really bothers me to imagine that he may end up staying with his wife long term. I asked him last night if she and he have found that intimacy that has been missing, and he said "no, not at all!"
I am so confused. Someone help me....I know that I should never ever go back to this relatioship unless he and I are both free of our spouses, but it still hurts, and I still want him to want me. And I want to know that there is some chance that we can be together someday...
Any insight? Anyone in this type of situation? I know that I have never been!! My other affair was completely the opposite...the sex was amazing and passionate and constant, but the love was inconsistent, and he was always pulling away from me emotionally and running away from our relationship..I would have to chase that other guy down in order to maintain the affair. This is completely the opposite. I don't know which way is better, probably neither.
Anyone?
Iknowitstime
(and so do you)
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