I dont see the END

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
I dont see the END
12
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 7:07pm
been away for awhile. things have been tough. missing him so much. very hard to see him everyday at work. it just is not getting any better.

he calls my cell today, leaves a msg saying he is thinking about me, and misses me.

god, what is he doing. i wish he would make up his mind, stay at home with wife and kids, or leave. but no, he doesnt know what to do. meantime, i am dying here.

just venting. i hope everyone has a great holiday.

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anonymous user
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:16pm
Hi Pax...

Join the club honey,i'm in the same boat as you.

One minute i feel he is dying to be with me and the next he feels he needs to stay put for his kids.

I don't see an end here neither.Also dying...

The only ending will have to come from us i guess.

For as long as our guys have both us and their families they are never going to make a decision as to who they want to spend the rest of their life with.

I have given my 'xmm?' till the end of Feb.

Trying to keep up nc till then.......soooooooo hard....

Just sharing.....you're not on your own.....
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:26pm
I don't know a lot about your relationship, but if it's like most affairs between married men and single women -- and I experienced one myself and it almost killed me -- I can tell you that he HAS made up his mind. Don't believe what he says. See how he acts. If he's home with his wife and kids, he is exactly where he wants to be. Nothing keeps a man away from a woman he really, really wants to be with.

Let it go. He doesn't deserve you. No one who would place you second deserves you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:27pm
katie- your right, only we can stop it. but easier said then done. have gotten some good advice here. everyone telling me to just move on. take care of myself. but that is very difficult. my xmm tells me he loves me, then moves back home to wife and kids, i have been devasated. tells me he needs our romance and intamciy to be put on hold for ahwile, so he can figure out if he loves me or it was just infatuation. and i am dumb enough to keep hoping.

But I do love this man, and I am having a hard time getting over him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:35pm
delightful - you know your right. I guess nothing would keep a man away from the women he wants to be with. But what the crap is he doing. He tells me his heart is not at home, he is there becuase of the kids, and his heart is with me. Why does he do this, we certainly do not have an intimate relationship anymore, so why does he do these things.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:35pm
I hear your pain and I see myself last year. For a whole year I waited for a man to make up his mind about whether he wanted to be with me or with his wife. He even left her and lived with me for a while, but the guilt was just too much for him.

It's ok to love him. It's ok to keep loving him. But if you want any chance of actually having a real relationship with him, not just being his dirty little secret, his tasty side dish, then you've got to stand up to him and tell him that you won't settle for being second best. If you don't put yourself first, he never will.

NC hurts. NC is hard. NC is hellish. But let's face it, being in this relationship is all of those things too. I can guarantee that if you stay with him you will just keep on hurting and it will get worse. If you stop contact you will hurt for a while, you'll feel like you're going to die, but slowly but surely you will begin to feel better and you WILL heal. But you have to let go in order for that to happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:42pm
nc is impossible, we work together. that makes it very hard. i dont want second best, and i am not willing to resume our relationship if he is staying put. He needs to make up his mind. He tells me, he needs time to think all of this thru. The wife knows about us, she constantly questions him, and he tells her it will not be discussed. She also does not know we work together. How can he give her 100% if he is not being honest with her.

I know I have it all against me, he has a family with her, and he feels extremly guilty, although he does not love her, he does care for her, he does not want to hurt her. So he stays.

The whole thing stinks. I just wish I could figure out a way to stop thinking about him, and try to move on with my life

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:42pm
Because he's human, he's weak; he's hurting. I'm sure he does love you, but he doesn't love you enough to hurt his family and give up the comfort that married life affords him. My MM often said that his heart was with me, that I was the one he really wanted to be with ... during one of our last conversations he said he was with his wife by default ... I'm not sure what he meant by that but it may have had something to do with the fact that I stopped the affair, stopped seeing him and stopped talking to him. He was just too much of a coward to stand up to his wife and tell her he didn't want to be with her. So he stayed. On the other hand, I have no idea what the truth is anymore. He lied so much, in order not to hurt anyone, that I can't tell who I was really with. I know for sure he was weak though.

And weak people can be incredibly cruel. He's being cruel to you. He's giving you hope because he doesn't want to hurt you, but I think he's just hurting you more. You will hurt less if you do total and complete NC. Let him go. You will feel better if YOU end it. It's always better to walk away than to be the rejected one.

He may be sweet, handsome, charming and wonderful, but he isn't free. You can find a man who is just as good and FREE. I know you can! I'm counting on it for myself too!

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:52pm
I worked with my MM too. He was my boss. And his wife also knew about us, from the beginning. We have some things in common pax!

When the physical affair ended, I had to continue working with him and it was AWFUL and very painful. I hated it. I started looking for a job, and found one within four months and left a month later. The last few months before I left were really hard though.

Is there any chance you can find another job? It truly is very, very hard to get away from the pain if you have to see him every day. As far as his confusion goes, it sounds really normal. He's torn between two women. And he's probably lying to both of them.

Two things you said about your MM remind me of my MM: you said he feels guilty and you said he doesn't want to hurt anyone. Those are two really bad signs in my book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:01pm
i guess what confuses me most is, why doesnt he just tell me, this is where I am staying, what we had was over. Nothing more.

But he does not do that, he tells me he misses, thinks about me, and is trying to figure all this out. He wants to to this "the right way", leave becuase he just is not in love with her anymore, not just because of someone else. He obvisouly is getting pressure from her, and his family. It is all so difficult.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:23pm
Since I don't know him, I can't really tell you why he doesn't just come out and say that he's made his choice. There are probably many reasons. Part of him probably wants to hold onto the dream, to think that he's capable of leaving a loveless marriage to be with someone he truly loves, another part of him wonders if the relationship could really work out, but mostly I think he doesn't come out and say it because there is a certain finality to these pronouncements. As long as he doesn't say, "It's over," he still has you hanging on him, waiting around, hoping against hope that he'll choose you.

That was my situation anyway. But the moment I realized that anyone who truly loved and respected me would NEVER put me in that sort of situation, leave me waiting and wondering, then I was ok. Then I was able to walk away. I forced my MM to say that he had chosen his wife and his marriage. He never wanted to say it, even though his actions spoke louder than his words.

And I think you have to accept that his actions are speaking volumes. He doesn't have to say it's over, he's acting it out.

He sounds like a really weak and helpless cake-eating victimizer. You deserve better. Cut this loser loose. (Sorry to sound so harsh. I'm sure he's lovely in many ways, but he really is not treating you well. Even if he does eventually leave his wife and family the fact that he is leading you on this way, and making you wait, doesn't bode well for a future relationship.)

Consider this: before anything else, any good qualities, the most important thing about a man is the way he treats you. None of us is perfect. We all have flaws, weaknesses, fears and low points ... but he's just plain mistreating you. No doubt about it.

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