Pony....this is for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Pony....this is for you
1
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:33pm
I need advice and support, but I read through your posts and I think you could use some of my advice and support as well....and so....

Listen, girlfriend, he is not talking to you because for some reason he has chosen not to. I DOUBT very very very highly that he has DECIDED that he wants to minimize contact. I would bet instead that he has found it incredibly difficult to motivate himself to pick up the phone to call you, given that all that can come of it is desire, pain, frustration, confustion, complication. Men can be very good at avoiding difficult emotional situations, and I would bet that your MM is simply avoiding, as opposed to consciously deciding to stay away.

I know this must make you very mad and sad and it must make you feel very out of control. Believe me, I know. I had to contend with this over the entire duration of my affair, simply because I had the audacity to return the feelings of my MM, which for so long had been unrequited!!! Your situation is somewhat different, but the reality is the same: they avoid conflict, they avoid emotional turmoil.

If it were me, I would demand a meeting with him and get it all out on the table. Since you are not willing to leave your husband, and he is trying to make his marriage work, it really would seem more rational to try to put aside the sexual aspect of your relationship than to advocate for continuing it, right? As for the remainder of the relationship, the emotional part, well, you can rachet that down over time, dontcha think? Don't you think that you will ultimately WANT to rachet it down? I mean, in my case, I think that I already see myself not feeling as interested in my MM as a "special friend", but we shall see...

Good luck....I know we are in for a lot of pain but we can do this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 9:54am
I know that everything you say is true, but it still hurts. Don't you think I want to see him face-to-face and get everything out in the open? I have tried to get him to meet me, but he rarely returned my phone calls, so I've basically just given up. I know that he's feeling ashamed, to some extent, because he knows that he's hurt me; I told him as much during one of our rare conversations, I also told him I felt used. I also know that his W was talking trash to him and pushed some of his guilty buttons because he accused me of "leaking" details. Like I would do that and put both of us in jeopardy. The whole situation is just so dad-gum complicated, I feel like I live in a soap opera.

I do feel that we could continue to be friends without the sexual aspect of the relationship, we basically did that for several years. Ours is a strange and wonderful (used to be anyway) friendship, and unfortunately there is no way I can avoid him, so I just have to hold my head up and smile. I'm thinking of calling him today just to wish him a Merry Christmas, but, while I'd love to talk to him, I'm trying to talk myself out of it because I'm afraid it'll dredge up some of the pain I've been fighting to rid myself of. But on the other hand, I want him to know that I'm thinking of him. I'm sure he knows that, though.

Thank you for your input and support. I do find myself thinking about him a little less every day, especially at night when it used to get so bad, so I guess that's a good thing, right? Here's to a New Year with a whole lot less complications in all of our lives!!!