Just keeping myself busy during NC.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Just keeping myself busy during NC.....
9
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 9:53am
today is DAY 9 of NC......well day 10 in 8 hours........we have both done well keeping NC, but the days and nights are still split into one of two possibilities: 1) i'm distracted with something that requires my immediate attention (such as pants on fire, roof blowing off, daughter's hamster escaping, etc...!) and i am not craving making contact at those moments....or 2) all of the other moments, when i'm intensely wanting and craving to make contact with him......possibility 2 is where i'm still at about 99.5 percent of the time (the hamster actually DID escape yesterday !)

my XMM is a member of Quitnet, a website for people who are trying to quit smoking.....what i've been doing about a hundred times a day, in an attempt to satisfy those cravings and maintain NC, is to sign onto Quitnet JUST to see if he is either on the site at that moment or has entered some new piece of information about himself and how his quit is going into his profile.....i know this is just a form of pseudo-contact....and i'm talking to myself alot about STOPPING.......sometimes at night i just sit there and wait until he does sign on, just to see his name on the list......why do we do things like this ??????

On Quitnet they track your quit progress with your stats, which are continually updated....i have seen these stats so often while on the site that i began thinking about how the format of the stats could be applied to MY QUIT.....quitting him.......

the stats are in the following format:

28 days, 22 hours, 26 minutes and 35 seconds smoke free.

579 cigarettes not smoked.

$159.50 and 4 days, 10 hours of your life saved.

well, in an attempt to just keep myself busy during NC (as if i don't already have REAL things to do!) here are my current stats:

9 days, 17 hours, 16 minutes MM free.

1,235,426 words not spoken.

44 hugs and 50 kisses not given or received.

$47.23 saved in cell phone calls.

9 days, 17 hours, 16 minutes not spent feeling NOT GOOD ENOUGH for him to want to be with full time

Endless hours, minutes, seconds spent missing him.

OK, well, some of the stats are positive and some are negative....i hope that someday in the future i'll see only positive results from having gone through NC, but for now it's a mixed bag of emotions, leaning HEAVILY on the negative side....but i'm still QUIT, as they say on quitnet........

i wish you all a wonderful holiday, and hope that we are all able to find some moments of peace and joy during this time......

anyone else want to post their stats?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 10:22am
I couldn't begin to post my stats, but I can tell you it's been a whole WEEK since we last spoke! And I haven't actually seen him face-to-face in exactly a month. I have contemplated calling him today just because it's Christmas Eve so I can say Merry Christmas, but I keep putting myself off a little longer just to test my will-power, I guess. While I don't have a website to "see" my xMM through, I live very near him so I have to really see him almost every day, albeit in passing only. How hard is that? It's killing me. I laughed when I read your post "why do we do things like this?" because I ask myself that constantly! I have done some things that are downright "high school" and I'm way too old for that! I know what you mean about trying to keep yourself busy. Our hamster hasn't escaped (yet), but cleaning his cage helps keep me busy! LOL Keep putting out those fires, chasing that hamster and replacing those shingles and you'll be looking back on this and laughing soon! At least that's what I keep telling myself! This board really helps, too, even if what some people tell you feels a little harsh, it's for your benefit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 11:32am
hang in there, pony......i've been fending off the same craving - to send or not to send the holiday e-card.......and so far i've avoided it.......and you should do the same.......talk about high school behavior.......it's definitely embarassing to think of some of the things i've done over the years either to see him, or try to find out where he is, etc....(that topic would make a good post!).....definitely a little obsessive!.....and i know not healthy at all, and not indicative of a very high sense of self-esteem....these last four years have done an incredible number on my self-esteem......if for no other reason, i keep telling myself that i have to continue NC until i get to a place where i feel i'm WORTH more than what i have accepted over the last four years......WORTH more than being second in someone's life to another woman.......you deserve much better, too, pony.......we all do........
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:06pm
You know it's funny you mention self esteem because mine has been rather low recently (wonder why!!), but during the "peak" of the A (which was really just a few weeks ago), I felt like the sexiest, most gorgeous woman in the world, and now I feel like a fat, dumpy housewife. I know that nothing about me has changed, so why don't I feel gorgeous and sexy any longer? I know it was because I was dumped without a bye, kiss my ass or nothing. I keep telling myself that I'm still that special woman, but without him to make me feel that way evey day, it's hard, ya know! I never felt that I was second to another woman, although in reality I guess I was in a way, I always felt that I was equal to his W (although I must say I am a much better person all around than she is, but that's a whole other post and I won't go there), mainly because he used to tell me that he had only 5 special women in his life (and he always said them in this order, too): his daughter, ME, his grandmother, his mother and his W. You and I are worth our weight in gold, Ada, even if our xMMs can't see that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:10pm
Ada,

Liked your post. It was sweet. I know what you mean.

Quiting smoking and your man at the same time.. Damn your brave.

Here are my stats....

8 months since I found out I was pregnant with XMM's baby

8 months since I've had a drink or a smoke

7 months since I've been separated from XH

5 months since I've talked to XMM Romantically

5 months since I've seen XMM period

2 months since I've been divorced

2 months I've been posting

3 1/2 more weeks of pregnancy!

26 hours... most time I've been able to go without thinking about XMM

TOTAL: 11 months since I've had a sane moment!

I'm not sure any money saved.. I think it's in the million dollar figure to raise a kid.. BUT like they say...priceless!

In all, I'm feeling much better then I was a year ago. I feel like I have more control over my life. My life is better without my XH. My life is better because I'm not having an affair. My life is better because I don't have to live the lie everyday. MY LIFE IS GETTING BETTER EVERYDAY!

It's OK to look at quitnet. Sooner or later it will bore you. You will move on. It's hard to go cold turkey sometimes. I know almost everyone in here has caved at one time or another me included!

Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 10:20am
pony.....

yes, we ARE worth our weight in gold! ...and, you're right, you ARE still the same special woman that you thought and felt your were when you were with your XMM.....it's just a damn shame the way women sometimes can only see their worth and beauty through the eyes of a man......WHY DO WE GIVE MEN, OR ANYONE, THAT KIND OF POWER OVER US????......i, for one, do not want anyone to have that kind of power over me ever again.....i am seeing my time of NC now as possibly a time for me to take back the power......I WANT THE POWER!!......i want the power to make myself feel beautiful and smart and sexy......

think about it......if we give the power to making ourselves feel beautiful and special to someone else......aren't we also then giving them the power to make us feel EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE as well ?????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 10:54am
279 days MM free

happily no words spoken except "hi how are you?" without waiting his reply at grocery store on Nov. 4.

no hugs and no kisses with MM; tons of hugs and kisses with my amazing kids who've prevailed despite divorce, sometimes wacky mom & sometimes off dad; lots of hugs & kisses with single BF of 8 mos.



free nights & weekends cell phone plan saved me tons then & now.



1200 days spent feeling bad, ashamed & totally NOT GOOD ENOUGH with him to want to be with full time

100 days spent missing him a little -- but only for false reasons -- 179 days completely grateful for my freedom, feeling good about myself again & having someone I love & who loves me openly & publicly in my life -- someone my kids are getting to know & my parents will meet when they're in town -- pretty different from MM.

NC works -- it's hard even when you're READY to end the "madness" but keep plugging away. I'm grateful every single day that I escaped that mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 1:39pm
THANKS, foolnomore......that was a great post.....

i've got to ask......did you have that "279 days MM free" handy, or did you sit down to figure that out before you posted???

your words are very encouraging......i can't hear enough the stories of people who ACTUALLY DO get past this hell....and i'm talking about not only the hell of ending the affair, but you've made it through a divorce as well, and so have your kids....those are the things i need to hear over and over, as i'm also not only dealing with ending the affair, but want MORE THAN ANYTHING to be divorced, and have to face going through that as well.....it's especially encouraging after days like yesterday, a holiday, when i just could not bear being with my family while i was also going through all of my silent sadness.......i can only hope to be writing a post like yours one day......

good luck with BF and i'm so happy for you that you've gotten past it all.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 2:36pm
Ho ho -- I just did a quick calculation when I read your post. Yeah, divorce is so much tougher than I expected. My marriage was AWFUL and when I decided to do it, I got it done in about 45 days (he went along with everything). I sort of took care of his feelings & really him for the first 4 years -- and the affair made that easy to do because it didn't "interfere" with that codependent relationship. I regret it deeply but maybe it was just survival for me. My life is so amazingly better -- I can say it's the best it's been since before my marriage. Getting through the divorce & the first year is HARD, but I can say it was the best thing for me AND my kids.

a different perspective on counting days -- the way you're doing it is a little daily victory dance. I had one other experience with this concept only it was weird -- my xMM appeared at my house one night in Aug. or Sept.? after we'd been apart since March. He had been drinking, W was out of town with kids, and he HAD to talk with me. My BF had JUST left. My Ex & kids were on the way home & he wouldn't leave, so I grabbed the dog & walked down to the corner to talk with him.

I was HORRIFIED, trying to decide if I should call the police. He'd clearly been watching me through my windows because he knew I was alone.

He said to me "on day 104," (or some very specific number) "I realized that I had been hurt worse than blah blah blah" something to the effect that we would be together "some day" because he survived 104 days of pain or something.

At the time, I just thought it was CREEPY. I told him that if he ever showed up at my house or office again, I would call the police. This man that I used to just adore. It's all perspective, isn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 3:31pm
you are so right......that was really creepy about the 104 days....and i have thought so often about whether this man, whom i was and am still in love with, consider my soulmate, and would still consider spending the rest of my life with.....will there actually come a day when i not only don't feel this way about him, but possibly see him more clearly for who he really is and feel the exact opposite about him?......it's so much about who you are at the time you meet, and where you are in your life.....

i wish it felt like i was doing a little daily victory dance...unfortunately, i'm not quite there yet.....at this point, every day i wake up and the first thought i have is that i can't believe i'm still alive after spending yet another 24 hours, 1440 minutes trying not to contact him, and surviving not hearing from him, and that now i have to do this for another 24 hours......because it still hurts so much, i can't feel the benefits of it all yet on an emotional level, and am just trying to maintain NC because on some intellectual level i know it's probably best, and i'm hoping that what everyone says is true......that not only will i feel better at some point, but that i'll be glad i went through it.....

i am so happy for you that you have moved on and are in such a healthy place in your life.....i know you went through hell to get here, but it must have made you so much stronger.....you're an inspiration!