He's talking divorce after NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
He's talking divorce after NC
6
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 5:29pm
discussion title: He's talking divorce..???

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message #: 34321.1

from: livinlovinlearnin

date: 5:16 pm

replies: 1

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So my MM and I are going on a year and some change. Both have expressed genuine love and he says he knows he's with the wrong woman BUT they have kids and a seperation from the 2 boys is an 'impossible decision'...but after I ended things he came back and said being without me is an impossibility also. He is 33 and had never cheated on anyone, not even gf's way back. Said he thought you got married and that was it. But he says I'm his soulmate and we're perfect for each other. Says he is confused because marriage is crumbling--but he wonders if it's cause he's MAKING it that way or is it really that bad. All of his friends (even ones that like his wife) say that the marriage is doomed and it's a matter of time. I told him I will not remain being pushed to last place all the time---and he agrees. He's never led me on, saying he'll leave at a certain date.

What he IS saying as of yesterday is that his youngest sons Bday is January 14th. All the family on both sides are throwing a big party. After holidays and that party he is going to sit her down and discuss a plan of action. Je says he WANTS to be with me and doesn't think his wife is happy either...he is going to confront her and ask what she wants, is SHE happy, where does she see things going. He thinks she's just as miserable. He is honest and says he hopes it's amicable so he won't feel and look like the 'abandoner'. BUT he is also honest and says if she wants to WORK at it and get counseling that he will give it his all for the sake of his children. I told him that MY wnat was of course to be with him for the rest of my life BUT what I want more then that is for him to be happy and if that entails him working out his marriage and being with his kids then I fully support it.

Here's my question: DO I remain by his side until that day in January and then see what happens or would it be smarter to have NC until that day. There's a part of me that wants him to see what life would be like without me--even though it's only 3 weeks---BUT I also want to prepare myself for the outcome I really fear, him staying.

Opinions please on how to conduct myself.....

One friend say be there and SHOW him how serious I am about bein with him.....one friend says do a "takeaway" so he misses me....



Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 6:44pm
hmmm...this is a toughie.....

I would think it best for you to stay away. You want this to be his decision based on his "doomed" relationship with her. Why not give him space to figure out what he really wants. You know Jan. 14 is around the corner.

Wouldn't you feel better knowing that he left his wife because he really wanted to, and that you kept away so he could make up his mind?

good luck.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 7:01pm
This is such a hard decision and there is no right or wrong way to play it. My XMM also has two children, his wife knows about us and there was talk of divorce but they talked and he decided to have one last try and I understand his need to do that as you do with your situation, doesn't make it any easier does it.

We had NC but he put a card through my door yesterday saying he thinks of me each and every day and today he texted me, to wish me Happy Christmas,and told me he loves and misses me. Its made it easier for me to bare knowing that he is thinking of me. He never lied and although I beleive he loves me as he says, he always told me he didn't think he would ever be able to leave his boys.

Personally I think you should keep in touch at least you will know what is going on. I haven't asked how mine is getting on with wife, guess I don't want to know and can't decide if he will miss me more if there is no contact or not. You have to let them try and work things out if either of them want to, otherwise if they came to us without doing so there would be an even greater pull back home. I think if he really loves you eventually he will want to be with you even if he and his wife do try again. I chatted to my mum who is 85, tonight about my situation,I feel at her age she some wisdom, and she told me to keep in contact with my chap and what will be will be. I have no itention of starting up affair again but an occassional chat and a smile now and then, I see him driving now and then, but if he want me it would have to be as a single man next time, just make that clear to you man as well.

Unfortunatley all we can do is wait and see and try to carry on with life what ever these men who claim to love us do. If we love them enough to understand and beleive what they have told us that's all we can do. Good luck what ever you decide to do and I hope he decides he can't live without you. Sorry if not much help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 1:23am
My suggestion is to let it go. If he wants to be with you he'll make it happen & do what he needs to induce an amicable split w/wife, maintain a strong relationship w/his kids, & claim his life w/you. If u remain to "support" him it will only serve to show him that you WILL accept him as a married man. Perhaps with your absence he'll make up HIS mind instead of allowing the decision to rest solely with what his wife wants.

Best wishes...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 9:09am
my vote is wait until after he's divorced for contact (judges look very harshly on any kind of extra-marital activity in terms of custody, support, visitation, etc. -- big issues for this guy) and then wait some more in terms of developing your relationship. No matter what you've shared, the first year post-divorce is rough on everyone involved. His priority through that should be (and if he's the dad he thinks he is) and will be the kids -- not a new relationship. That can be very very hard on a new relationship. Give yourselves a chance by backing off until he has time to work out his life.

this is of course the sensible answer -- your heart, insecurities & etc. might not be willing to take that path.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 1:56pm
I can't tell you how many times my MM told me that he was going to discuss divorce with his wife. Over the course of a year and four months the divorce conversation came up every other month. I have the words, "This time I'm really going to do it," etched into my brain. But you know what? He never did.

Your MM may really and truly want to be with you and really and truly love you and think he's your soulmate, but the vast majority of married people do NOT leave their spouses, especially if there are children involved.

My opinion to you is to tell him that you love him and would like nothing better than to spend the rest of your life with him and grow old with him, BUT that you will not continue to see him while he's still married. From everything you have told me, based on my own story and an endless number of stories I have read on this board, your man sounds like he is NOT going to leave his wife. He sounds like my MM, who would only leave his wife if it was OK with her. But even when she did give him consent as it were, he couldn't go through with it.

When you stay with him, you help him to stay in his unhappy marriage. As long as he has you on the side, he can tolerate his unhappy marriage. My advice to you is to start NC today. I mean it. Tell him that you can't stand being #2 one day longer, and you won't. It will hurt like hell, but you will spare yourself a lot more hurt in the long run.

It's hard to do. I've done it and I'm doing it. Today is my six month anniversary of NC. At one point I thought I would die without him. But I haven't died, and I feel better than ever. You can do it. Think about it, do you really want to be in this relationship for another year or two without any guarantees that he will ever be yours?

When I saw your subject line, He's talking divorce after NC, you know what I thought? Talk is cheap. This business about he'll bring up divorce after this date or that date is pure CRAPOLA! You deserve a man who wants to be with you 100% this day, this hour, this minute and not put you off for one reason or another. There will always be reasons for him to put off his minute of truth. Tell him good bye until he's divorced. Do it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 6:07pm

I think you need to walk your own path. And do so beginning now.


If xMM does the sit down and decides to stay with CW, then you've oput your life on hold for 3 more weeks for nothing. If xMM does the sit down and they decide to divorce, there's plenty of time to come together when he's fully available to you. ANd it's not worth settling for less than a whole life with him or anyone else, is it?


Not really.


Take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you and your emotional health. Give this man a olot of space and see how your life evolves with only fully available men.......


jmhoo,


cl-nre