HOW do you end "nothing"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
HOW do you end "nothing"?
18
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 7:10am
I am a 39 year old father of 4, happily married 10 years, and working at the same company for 11. I recently became close friends with a colleague who is also married (no kids) and possibly 5 years older than me (I haven't asked). This woman is a stunning brunette who turns heads and is intelligent to boot. After helping her thru a few accounting problems she offered to buy me lunch as a thank you.

That was 6 months ago, and since then we have gotten so close to each other that the emotional (I hesitate to use the term "sexual") tension between us has become so intense that I fear it is affecting my mental health. I am still a devoted father and husband; nothing has changed in the "off hours" of my life; and she talks about her husband occasionally, and sometimes throws in the "annoying" things he does. But what used to be a "cute friendship" at work has slowly evolved into, what seems to me, an office affair just waiting to erupt. I think about this woman every second of the day. We work five aisles away from each other, yet we still find it compelling to send each other "How is your day going?" e-mails. She asks me to go outside for a cigarette with her and chat, yet I don't smoke. I feel guilty when my buddies drag me out to lunch, thinking she was "hoping" I was going to be available. We have never talked about our feelings (short of saying, "It feels so easy talking to you") and have never held hands, kissed, etc.

Honestly, I am not sure she feels (exactly) the same way, but can only guess from certain clues and hints. I wish I could clone myself, leaving the faithful spouse at home while my alter self damns the rules. In the end though I would prefer we go back to "just being friends" but 1) I don't want to hurt her feelings 2) I don't want to look like a fool if it's just me feeling this way and 3) IS THAT POSSIBLE between a man and a woman who have developed such a relationship already? Can I do this WITHOUT bringing up my feelings to her? Again, we work five aisles away from each other - talking about things may make working conditions uncomfortable. Does "backing away" really solve anything? When I appear to be "busy" so as not to see or talk to her as often, she takes it as that - I'm just "busy", but will come around eventually.

This is killing me. I don't want it to end, yet I don't want to be unfaithful. Is it just a friendship? SHOULD we "talk" about our relationship in order for me to "back away"? How does one bring that up FOR FEAR of hearing the words "But I've always ONLY thought of you as a close friend?" As much relief as this would bring, it would be crushing as well. HELP!!!!

Faithful but Tempted

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 9:16am
danger will robinson danger! DO NOT talk with the OW (that IS where you're headed) about your feelings -- you risk 2 things -- scaring her off as a friend or starting an affair. Discussing feelings like this with someone outside your marriage is one of the main ways affairs start!

TALK with your WIFE about it -- tell her you love her but you have these confusing feelings. Make it a problem you SHARE before it becomes a problem that destroys your marriage, self-respect, your children (if you have them) and on and on. If you share it, you'll weaken its power.

Speaking from experience almost a year FREE of a 3 yr affair with a married friend. After 4 years of friendship, he revealed his deep feelings -- romantic and sexual -- for me. As a one-year divorced single mom who thought he was a wonderful guy & friend, it was music to my ears. 3 years later all I wanted was NEVER to see him again & we got along great until the moment I ended it due to my deep shame & guilt over being involved with an MM. Haven't voluntarily seen him since. Never want to again. Also a family member had an A and got caught. 3 years later the marriage is together but so damaged - so much hurt & pain endures.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 9:50am
I was not going to post today, being Christmas and all, but, oh well, I don't listen to myself anyway.

Please do not start anything with the woman. You are happily married. Look in your wife's eyes and think of the pain that would be caused if you continue down this road. Affairs, for the vast majority, wind up in heartbreak and innocent people having their lives devastated.

Personally, I am not sure I would share those feelings for another woman with your wife, at this point. Maybe you have a TRUSTED friend or maybe even a therapist, to find out what you might be "missing". Or, truth be told, it is a wonderful ego boost to you.

Keep your contact with her minimized... work only. Stop the silly emails.

I have been struggling with the ending of a two year relationship with a MM. I am single and he no longer lives close to me. Long story, won't bore you with it. His W suspects but I don't know how much she really knows. The guilt I feel over what this has done to her is tremendous and I don't wish this pain on anyone. I never thought I would be the OW in a relationship and it has all but killed my spirit. I am very slowly putting myself back together again.

Please evaluate yourself and IF you really want to be with another woman, then maybe you don't want to be married anymore.

Do some heavy duty soul searching before you hurt the ones you love the most.

Today is Christmas. Look at your wife, look at your children.... that is what is important, not some temporary sexual gratification that you may find in an affair.

Just my opinion.

Good luck and keeps us informed....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 10:27am
hello faithful.....if you truly love your wife and do not want to do anything to hurt her or risk your marriage, DO NOT express your feelings for OW.....if you truly want to stay faithful, then you must do just that......what you have with OW is not NOTHING.....it's the beginnings of an emotional affair, which, from everything i've read here on this board, can be just as intense and painfully difficult to end as affairs that involve both emotional and physical involvement.......

do yourself a big favor.....READ A LOT OF POSTS ON THIS BOARD before making any decisions......there are many, many people here who have moved past the place you're in right now, and now, HERE WE ARE.....we are here because affairs almost always ultimately cause pain and destruction of lives.....just try to measure the amount of pain and anguish that exists here on this one web site.....you'll never be able to ......

if you truly want to remain faithful, then you have to embrace that decision in your heart, mind, and soul......you are not making a small decision here......in making this decision you have the power to positively or negatively affect many lives, including your childrens'......

you cannot be wondering whether OW feels more for you or not.....if you do not want things to go further with her, then it doesn't matter at all......the only thing that matters is that you are in control of this decision, since she has not taken any steps towards moving the friendship along any further.......this is not a decision about OW, it's a decision about you and your life.....you need to make that decision without OW in mind......that's not to say, of course, that you would be hurtful in any way......anything you do or say can be done or said with care, but that doesn't mean that OW still will not get hurt or feel bad......that's the risk we take in life when we involve ourselves in ANY type of relationship, whether it be friendship or more......there are always feelings involved.....

they say that we are going to be attracted to many people throughout our lives, and being married does not change that......staying faithful has to be a DECISION we make, even when there are people with whom we form attachments and whom we become attracted to......when we find ourselves attracted to someone other than our spouse, there needs to be an awareness from the beginning that we have to be careful to stay within certain boundaries in our dealings with that person......

so, after all of that, what should you do?....you need to begin ACTING like a man who wants to remain faithful to his wife, emotionally faithful as well as physically faithful......possibly without realizing it, that is not what you have been doing......how do you think your wife would feel if she knew you were having lunch with this woman often, or writing her little emails during the day?.....do you think that she would feel a bit like she were being "cheated on" emotionally?......you need to back off from doing those things that YOU KNOW are over the boundaries of just a normal office friendship.....and you cannot be worrying about hurting OW's feelings......she will survive and your lives will all remain intact, even if she suffers a small ouch!.....just remember the massive monstrous OUCH!!!!! you'll be saving everyone in the long run if you just back off now, and make up your mind to remain faithful in every way......

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 11:37am
It's a friendship as long as you are not hiding anything from your wife. If you are than it falls into the emotional affair category. You will hear this from everyone on this board, stop now before it's too late.

I found myself in the same situation as you this past May and our A crossed the line to physical, but not sexual in the summer. Then everything got really weird between us. I turned into someone I had no idea I was. I was almost obsesses with him. Where he was, what was he doing. We emailed each other at least 3 times a day, secret phone calls, secret meetings, etc.

I was attracted to him for 5 years before I knew the feeling was mutual. Our spouses knew we were good work friends so that was no big deal. Then the secrets started. They really take a toll and then it had to end. That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

My advise to you is, rediscover your wife and marriage. Read the book His Needs, Her Needs, How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage. I wish I had read it sooner.

Read around this board and you will feel such deep pain that so many of us had no clue about.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 5:54pm


Dear tempted.....I am gonna go out on a limb here, because I have been there before....

I read some of the other responses and dont nesc. agree with them.

In your first statement you say you are happily married.....listen, if you are happily married I seriously doubt you would be tempted to have an affair...JMO I think when something is missing in our lives we go searching for it. Perhaps this other woman has something about her that draws you to want to cheat...perhaps something you are missing in your relationship with your wife. I am in the middle of a 2 yr affair and believe me it has had its ups and downs...there are times when I just wanna throw in the towel (the man has 8 children & that is the main reason I want to end it sometimes) But I love him...so its an ongoing battle.

I was married for 16 yrs before I cheated. My husband was always gone and never around for me, so feeling lonely I found someone else. What was missing in my relationship was intamacy and I think that is prob. what is missing in yours. You see I never had the urge to cheat when I was happy and fulfilled in my realationship with my hubby. (And believe me....being an attractive woman I have had many chances). This is what leads me to believe that somehow something was missing in our relationship and that is why I cheated. I think personally you should go with your heart on this and see where it leads you.....examine why you are having these feelings closely and ask yourself, what will make you happy. I personally wouldnt want someone to stay with me outta guilt (I don't think your wife would either)...I would rather let them fly. You gotta be honest with yourself about your feelings....life is short my friend......

Rosi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 9:46pm
I completely agree with this post. JMHO ~Love
Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 12:20am

Hello there...I'm pressed for time this evening, yet want to urge you to resist taking the friendship to the next level..


Please take a moment to read my profile. I'm also a father of 4 and 10 years older than you with much to share about the path you're considering.....


I'll re-post further in the next few days. Email me if you wish


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 6:11am
WOW...I was not sure what my reception would be (here on mostly a woman's site) but am SO GLAD to hear all the support and opinions. It seems every time I think of this woman I find myself checking back here for any new replies...and it has helped.

Three things I figure I should have added in my original post:

First and foremost, my utmost desire is to stay FAITHFUL. I have definitely crossed the line into emotional infidelity, but after careful analyzation, it seems to have nothing to do with anything "missing" from my marriage, except for that "original euphoria" you get while dating. This woman IS incredibly beautiful, and I have never received such "attention" from anyone in a very long time. BUT my wife and kids are paramount to me and always will be; unfortunately I work very far from home and essentially spend more time each day with this woman than my own family...does this make sense? Due to other factors, I have recently had the opportunity to look for another job (relocation headaches, headhunters calling) and have been struggling with the emotional ripping this is bringing on (the despair of being away from her, the desire to quit after so many years at this company just to BE away from her and work closer to my family).

I almost see these happenings as FATE talking to me indirectly, which brings me to my second point. Undoubtedly most people on this board find solace in and/or connections with music, movies, TV - and the things going on in their lives. In only the last two months I have managed to change the channel and stumble upon these movies: Unfaithful, Original Sin, and Random Hearts - all dealing with some sort of infidelity in marriage. I watched and only saw the heartache. I felt for the spouses. Am I being "lectured to" by the Divine? Possibly. And I'm listening.

Lastly, I neglected to mention that before the holiday, the OW and I exchanged gifts. Mine included a card where I took careful time in writing a short message (I was going to post it here, but maybe the Internet is not the best place for that) in which I basically state that I am grateful for having gotten to know her, happy to have this incredible friendship, that she is special to me, and that if she ever needs me I would be there. Nothing about my "deeper" feelings, yet finally stating the obvious between us. Was that wrong? Was I inadvertantly taking "the next step?" I was knowingly careful not to mention anything about crazyness towards her, thinking about her often, etc. etc. but at the same time I do mention the "specialness" in our "friendship". I do feel like I may have been "dropping anchor" to begin to show her how I feel, but also I was "only" talking about friendship, etc...nothing more. ("Denial"???)

For certain, if you gave me an opportunity RIGHT NOW to take a good job AWAY from all this - I would accept it in a heartbeat. Today we will both be at the office on this short work day. Probably just have lunch, then call it a day. I don't know what to expect, yet am eager to get to work already.

The one thing I seem to be missing from the replies is..."HOW"? HOW do I "disconnect" with her? HOW do I "back away" without hurting her? HOW do I go back to a "professional" relationship now? To me, it seems quitting is the only answer...

-Faithful

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 9:11am
I feel it takes three things to 'disconnect' - time, the decision to end it and no contact. (In your case perhaps you could consider that no intimate contact - professional business contact might be necessary.) Probably the biggest of these three for you right now is to make the decision. All you need to do is decide 'I'm not going to cross the line'. Its easy early in an affair to justify what you're doing. There's been no sexual contact, so what's wrong with a little flirtation? But we know its wrong and its stealing place in your thoughts and your heart that belong to your wife.

You seem concerned about hurting this woman. Let me tell you, you're saving her. Should you both continue down this path and perhaps start a full blown affair and then decide 'no I really should be faithful to my wife and end this' you will crush her. Look at it this way...if she is so special, then shes worth more than what you can offer her right? She is worth protecting from the pain that you have the potential to inflict if you continue on. AND you are worth more and so is your wife and children. Especially them.

You know what to do - you stop playing the game. Become busier - she will eventually get it. Don't respond to the cute little emails. Show her a little coolness - when you see a little hurt in her eyes remember its better than the tears she will cry if you wait. She wouldn't have to hurt if you hadn't crossed the line to begin with.

That's my advice anyway...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:27am

You said:


<>


Why not TELL her?

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

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