Is it just me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Is it just me?
5
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 8:56am
Is it just me or does anyone else ever feel like the "bad guy" because of trying to end an A. I get the "sorrowful voice tone" and the "don't let me go" feeling from XMM when I speak to him and I know it's all done to work on me and my emotions, and I am expected to fall back into the trap, like so many times before. I can't do it anymore. As bad as I want him and want to be with him (or I think I do), I look around my house, my husband, my son, my dogs & cats and think what would I do without all of this. It's my world and that's just the way it's suppose to be. I think of him with his family in his world and wonder if he is thinking of me. Wondering if he and his wife are speaking, cause according to him, she is very unhappy. Wondering if he has ever made a decision in his mind to end this A, like I have. I feel like a bad guy cause I have hurt his feelings, but you know what? My feelings are very important too. I wish I had never let myself be drawn to him 2 years ago. It has been a emotional roller coaster kind of ride and this girl is ready to get off.



Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 10:09am
Your gut isn't lying to you when it tells u to get off the rollercoaster. You're trying to do it without hurting anyone, but in real life that is not always an option. You, like most women on this board and women in general, are having a hard time putting yourself first. You don't want to hurt XOM, but in the long run this is probably what is best for everyone, not just you. Stick to your guns.

I too, look around my house and at my kids and wonder....what would life be like now if I left here when I wanted to? Would it have been worth it? In my case that is a big negative.

good luck.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 10:25am
Not just you. I, as well, feel like the bad guy in all of this. Had a horrible Christmas, but won't go into that. I am made to feel like I don't care, don't have a heart and can just turn my back on him, which, by the way, I am STILL trying to do. I get sucked in time and time again with the overwhelming sadness in his voice. Just finished talking again and getting the same old apologies that I received so many times already. I have made my decision that it is over, but still talk to him. What sense does that make?

I look at my life and wonder if I would want to forever settle for someone who is not mine to have, ultimately? I have a loving family, a single man who adores me (God knows why) a home and, outside of my involvement with a MM, a good life. Why do I let him bring me down?

Yeah, I love him and all that, but have to move on. Again, I have asked that he no longer contact me in any way. I do feel like the bad guy, but temper that with the realization that he is still married. So, you know what? We are not the "bad guys". We are trying our level best to do the right thing.

We will keep trying until, once and for all, we get it right.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 11:09am
i've gone through that many times myself....all the times i've tried to end it......similar comments..."please don't leave me"...."i can't live without you..."....and honestly i can't say they weren't heartfelt.....but even so, they were still manipulative.....i think at first i fell for them, but after hearing them many times, i just realized how manipulative they were, because i FELT totally manipulated by them....

WHY?

because when they're saying those things to you, trying to make you feel bad about wanting to end it and leave them, they are only thinking about one thing......THEMSELVES......those comments have no thought about you in them......you may be describing to them how unhappy the affair is making you, or how painful being apart from them is, or how all the sneaking around and lying is affecting your life, or how you haven't been there for your children the way you should have been, and that even though you love them you need to end it........and all they do is try to make you feel bad for THEM......i felt many times this pang in my chest and all i could think of saying was "DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING I SAID? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!".....and the worse comment i would hear, after expressing how completely miserable i'd been, was something like, "So, does this mean we're not going away in january??"....i just wanted to scream.....

i would have loved to have heard "i know how much pain you've been in and how difficult this has been for you, and even though we love each other, i don't want to see you in pain any more..."....and actually, finally, this last break-up, that is what i did hear, and i know he meant it......it was a relief to finally feel that he loved me enough to let me go....

don't let those comments manipulate your.......those comments are dangerous because on the one hand they play on our compassionate side and serve as a little ego boost because it's nice to know he wants us so badly......but the flip side is that they do not at all address what we're really saying and feeling......all of that goes completely unnoticed and unresponded to......because it's all about what they want and need......sometimes i can't believe how much attention these men get!!.....We think about and worry about their feelings all the time, and THEY think about themselves all the time.....WAIT A MINUTE????.......who's thinking about us?????

Hang in there......Be strong.....Remember to think about yourself even when he's trying to get you to feel bad for him, because HE's not thinking about you, so somebody has to!!.......you're not the bad guy AT ALL......you're doing what's best for yourself, first and foremost, and that's what we all should be doing......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 8:53pm
Thanks to you all for the responses. Your comments mean alot to me!!!!


Take care :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:18am
I understand what you are feeling. I had an intense physical/emotional affair with a very good friend and coworker. After all the usual ups and downs I decided to stop. My feeling is that we lost the option of being friends because we crossed the line, he on the other had would love to be best buddies. I know he likes the friendship part, however, probably hopes we will slip as we have many times in the past. I am always polite to him, but shut him down when he tries too hard to be friends. It is not respectful to his wife or my husband and it does not END the affair. I always feel bad afterwards, I think about how I would feel if he shut me down the way I shut him down. I have never stopped loving this man and that is what I use to stay strong. I tell myself that it is because of that love that I maintain strong boundaries and eliminate the chance of us starting our affair again. If all contact is minimal and appropriate then there is no chance of us being caught and it is possible for us to reconnect with our spouses. I want what is best for both of us. I hurt a lot sometimes but I'm not anxious and frantic as I was before.