Why Why Why Why - and no answers

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Why Why Why Why - and no answers
8
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 10:45am
Do we even know what the heck LOVE is?? It is this *thing* we claim that we felt for someone that treated us wrong, used us, took the very best part of us and when they were done left us to return to "their world".

Why do we romanticize the "O" ( other) person? I know I caught myself - and *STILL* catch myself thinking and saying how he is "Such a good person", "He has so much to offer".."he has made some bad decisions, but I love him"... "He just needs me because *I* can understand him"..etc etc etc...but the bottom line is when does "love" become painful. It's not supposed to be - is it?? I often caught myself saying and rationalizing the A in words like " if it isn't difficult, it isn't worth fighting for..." NOW HOW MUCH SENSE DOES THAT MAKE?? The only one is seems to be difficult for is ME - the OMM is off trolling the internet looking for his next big Sexual Adventure. Me, I'm the one sitting here crying for someone that is NOT WORTH ONE TEAR. Ah yes, but what about LOVE???

Well, what about love? There is something inside me that thinks if someone loves me - they are not worth it...but someone who can say all the right things and act totally in contradiction to those words *is* worth it?? Say what??? :::Sigh::: I think I may never ever really be happy. I can't figure me out, I can't do the work to get out of this mess of an affair.. sure, I go to the therapist, sure, I *say* I want him out of my life... but I haven't done what needs to be done BECAUSE I AM SCARED. I am scared that this ONE might really be THE ONE that makes my world complete --- what kind of sick thinking is that?? What makes me think -- if I were to be with him in a normal relationship or ( God forbid) marriage -- that I would be any different than the other 4 women he has been married to?? The fact is.. I would not be one bit different.

Why can't I break this grasp he has on my life. I living here in a state that has nothing to offer me careerwise, and I convinced my H to leave somewhere he loved living to move here...why? so I could be near the OMM... and then the jerk ( OMM) moves away anyhow..of course coming back here every 2 -3 weeks to get away from the W and to get into my pants and the pants of half of the women in this state...

I know I am rambling ... but I am just so twisted up inside about this.. about how I was to weak to see it for what it really was... sex .. and I let him use me over and over and over until I convinced myself that I loved him. My stomach must certainly have wholes the size of Texas in it - since this has been going on... I have been dealing with such physical pain that the emotional pain has taken the back seat - and for what?? For some man that wasn't worth a second of my time...and he has taken years of it.

F4L

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 11:30am
You absolutely need to find a way to end this relationship. I sympathize with you and feel so much compassion for how you are feeling, but before you even begin to deal with all the Why's you need to just put an end to it. I'm sure you realize how many ways this man is bad for you, emotionally as well as physically. And you seem to be aware of some of the issues that plague you in relationships (and don't feel bad, we all have our own version of these), as in you describing that you feel the men who actually love you are not worthy, but those who treat you badly are the ones you feel are......this is a very important thing that you know and are aware of.....and one of those things you need to try to work out with a really good therapist.....but in the meantime, you need to stop seeing this man....and you need to find all the support you can while you're doing that.....

there is this fantastic book i'd highly recommend called "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by Howard M. Halpern, Ph.D....this book is (obviously!) about trying to end relationships with people who are bad for us, and it really gets to the bottom of why it's so difficult for some people to do so.....it's highly recommended and an excellent book......

You are worth so much more than you are aware of......do not allow yourself to be treated poorly by him or anyone else any more......make a decision right now to end it, and to try to find the answers to the Why's afterwards so that you never let this happen to you again......

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 1:34pm
Ada

Yes, I KNOW I need to end it... I am still struggling with the HOW to end it. My therapist says I don't need to tell him WHY it is over, but I guess like shescomeundone, I want him to KNOW how awful he made my life!! I want him to HURT - but I know in my heart of hearts that he will NOT hurt - oh sure, he will say how much he misses me ..yada yada yada...but the truth is that he will just go on living his life the way he has since he was 18 years old. Nothing will change and I am not so special that I could change it if I wanted to.. I know that..

Since we have this damned business together, I have to take a few extra steps to end it.. and I guess there is no better time than now to start. I have already stopped making new appts ( without his knowledge) so it will be a shorter length of time that we will need to be together for the sake of business. Now, I guess is the time to make the changes that will get him moved out of my spare bedroom ( where he lives 10 days each month while he is here "on business".)

I think I need to start making a list of steps to take...

F4L

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 4:04pm
Sweetie, if he is fooling around with more than just you, then it should be easier to get away from him than you realize. I mean, THINK about it. I know you love him. I know you wish it were the way it was SUPPOSED to be between you two. But this guy has a lot more problems than just the need to be with you outside of his marriage. Really. Think about it. I have been in your shoes, and although it is hard to face, you really need to get him out of your life. Now imagine how hard it would be if he were GOOD and treated you WELL but just would not/could not leave his wife, and really, would you want him if he could? It is so complicated, but in a way, I would rather be getting myself over a dog than the decent and confused guy that I am trying to get over.


Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 4:29pm
Fool, I'd love to speak to you in private since we are in similar situations...but since I am being stalked by some sicko on here, I won't post my email address..if you'd like you can post yours..which messengers are you on? let me know sweetie....I'm getting past this crap with flying colors, and if I can do that so can you. Lets talk....

Jazzdiva

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 6:29pm
F4L: He hasn't taken anything that you haven't freely given him. It sounds to me like you know you should end it. It's hard, yes. But you've proven that you can withstand hardship. Leaving him won't be anywhere near as difficult as staying involved. Sounds to me like you have it all figured out. All you have to do now is act. That can be difficult. But I've done it, and you can do it too. We're here for you and always will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 10:03pm
Hi shes... I would love to talk to you in private since it seems not too many on here can relate to the issue of sex addiciton or compulsivity. I am on AIM and YAHOO msg. You can email me at wings4myheart@earthlink.net ...then I will send you my AIM and Yahoo names... I think that will work!!

Maybe we can help each other through this.. until then .. one more week and he will be back here.

F4L

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 7:46pm
F4L, I agree with everyone else on this board... just do it... and oh, I've been through the asking 10,000 questions and wondering what the answer is, and you know what, you're in too much of an emotional state to be able to answer the questions now. I know it's hard, but after time, you will be able think more clearly and have a few more answers. For now, don't worry about why you don't have the answers. I've been there, and I know the whirl your mind is in right now. Hugs to you.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 9:49am
Fool:

I'm going to be tough on you for a moment butyou know it comes from a good place...


I Wish you could hear yourself!!!!!! You still think XMM is a "good person"???!!! Good person my butt!!!! You had to have an HIV test because of this man and his lies to you!!!! His lifestyle proves that he has no regard for anyone except himself!!!!!! He is selfish and a danger to anyone that he sleeps with without a condom!!!! What the hell is it about him that is so "good"? What, cause he hasnt' killed anyone or sends money to save the manatees??? Give me a freaking break!!! He is a liar and a sex addict. He is a step above the roaches I used to kill when I was growing up in the Bronx. Do'nt hate him, feel sorry for him and feel more sorry for his wife. Move on with your life. Tell him that he can't live in your house anymore. Maybe that should be step focking one. what if yoiu did catch an incurable STD OR you got HIV. Would you still think this man was so focking good?

Jazzdiva