please help! need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
please help! need advice
3
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 2:49pm
about 8 months ago my boyfriend was sentenced to jail for probation violation till 2005. i was torn , i have 3 children 2 which are by him . i also must mention he had many drug addictions which actually is the whole cause of his jail sentence. about 2 weeks after he went to jail a friend of his, who used to live next door to us with his girlfriend , called for him and asked if i minded if he stopped by to visit. now at the time he no longer lived next door so i didn't see any harm in doing so . to make a long story short this man who is 8 years younger than i started an affair . i am cheating on my boyfriend who is incarcerated and he on his girlfriend which whom he is still with today. needless to say i fell in love with this man and supposedly loves me . my girlfriends say you can not love 2 people at once and listening to them , i started again speaking with my boyfriend who was in jail about 6 weeks ago thinking i could work it out with him since there did not look like any hope for me and his so-called friend. now on december 23rd my boyfriend was released on early parole. he is angry and has the feeling that i did have an affair with this other man . of course i will not admit it , instead it is a constant arguement everyday. my boyfriend is clean and sober right now but is that going to keep? i tried to end it with this other man but i am clearly in love with him. what can i do? my boyfriend is trying to cope with being on the outside and i do want to make it work for my children's sake but i can not stay away from this other man. his girlfriend has no idea and he goes home to her everyday. meanwhile , he does not think i should go backwards and let my boyfriend in my home again. i just don't know how to get out of this web i spun myself into. please help!
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 6:47pm
Sounds like a tough situation. I believe that it is possible to love more than one person at a time, but it really is not practical nor honorable to have more than one romantic relationship at a time.

You've got to decide who you want to be with and end it with the other person. It's a hard thing to do, but everyone here has been through it and we've all survived. The longer you go on deceiving your boyfriend, the worse it's going to get.

Have you considered seeing a counselor or therapist to help you sort it all out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 4:33pm

If you're serious about making a fresh start with your BF, I believe you need to end it with your OM. OM's happy to get laid by 2 (or more) willing women, and will tell you just about anything to keep you willing to put out for him. So it's time for OM to leave and be gone.


However, let's look at y.o.u. You're a mom with 3 kids and the kids are counting on you to be there for them as they are growing up. What kind of example do you set for them by living 2 lives? The biggest fear I have with my 4 kids is that someday they'll discover their dad (me) had affairs fo 17 years. Not a pleasant thought. I suggest you take a long look at yourself and remember that you have the right to live a life of personal integrity that sets an example for your children that you're proud of. And then do it. From this point forward live a life of integrity. You can do it.


Look yourself in the mirror and begin to like the person you see. Leave the affair in the past and move on. And do not tell BF that you've had an affair. He has enough on his hands adjusting to life on the outside. No need to tell him something that he may act on and wind up back in jail over. Let your past be past and either make a new life with BF or leave to make a better life elsewhere.


jmhoo,


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 7:54pm
I do sympathise with you, and the reason why I didn't respond to your initial post is because I don't know if I can give you any sound advice. I have a bad habit of thinking with my feelings first, and reading your post made me feel nothing but sympathy and after I put myself in your shoes, I was so overwhelmed with feelings that I had trouble trying to think of a nice sensible rational response to help you! My initial thoughts are: decide between the two. If you can't, then you have to take time out from both of them. If you think there's a chance of a decent future with your children's father, I say give him a chance (but only if you're willing to work things out with him. You don't need us to tell you that a marriage or a long-term committed relationship is pure hard work, and love is just one of the many components.) If you choose the new guy, bear in mind that he may not choose you because he's still with his girlfriend after all this time. Either way, I don't think you should tell the first boyfriend about the second. He's got enough to handle already. Good luck in your decision. I know I can't help much, but I'm sending you a virtual hug...