He just came to see how I was!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
He just came to see how I was!
3
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 7:40pm
XMM came to see me this evening. Affair ended five weeks ago when his wife found his phone bill she already knew about us but thought it was over. He said had to give marriage one last try and he doesn't want to be a part time father. He said there could be no contact, well there has been some, may be a couple of text a week started by me, some. He's tried ending it before and I've always backed away because he has genuinly struggled with his feelings, but it's never lasted and he has always chased me like mad to get me back, which of course is very flattering but not this time, obviously he is really trying.

We had, had no contact for just over a week and then he put card through my door day before Christmas Eve, saying he thinks about me all day every day, this was all I needed to make me feel better, just to know he was thinking of me, made me feel happier and able to cope with Christmas and with things ending. I understand his reasons for trying with his marriage even if I hate it and feel rejected because of it. But then he texted me Christmas Eve and we started up a conversation he ended it saying talking made it worse, told me he loves and misses me!

Well I went Christmas shopping after conversation and saw him twice while out driving. Later that night when wife in bed he texted, saying 'was someone trying to tell us something seeing each other twice in one day' told me he is trying to forget me but cant, then mentioned how good it was the first time we kissed etc. Said we were bound to see each other around.

Then tonight he called said he was outside in his car so I went out to see him. Asked if I had a nice Christmas, had I been out partying and had I met anyone (blokes an idiot he knows I'm in love with him). Like an fool I let him kiss me (well i joined in!)He told me he lies in bed at night thinking of me but know he has to forget me,I said if it meant nothing to him go ahead, he told me it did and still does mean something but he know he has to forget me and that it was sad it had to end as it did! he ended it! Said he had only come to see how I was! Said we were bound to see each other around and off he went.

The card was nice meant a lot to know he cared it was enough but the rest has left me feeling awful again. What is he playing at, i beleive he does love me and is missing me but is he just trying to keep me hanging on or is he missing me so much, or what? I have told him if he is ever single to call me so he doesn't have to do this to string me along. Is that what he is doing? I was starting to cope with this but now!

I don't want him to forget me and I'm scared if I tell him to get lost he will use that as an excuse to be able to, because he can then say to himself that he has to try harder with his wife because I don't want him, but I do, but only if he's single again. don't know if I mean that anymore!

If he gets in contact again what do I tell him, we can't avoid actually seeing each other, he lives and works locally is a bus driver on local routes! Was feeling so much stronger until today!



Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 11:28pm
I don't know your story natty, but I'm sorry this happened to you. I sense your love for him, the sadness, the anguish at the impossibility of it all. He's being a cakeman, realizes he has to end the relationship with you but can't quite seem to let you go. You deserve better than that. You deserve a man who is 100% free and available to you.

Don't see him anymore. Don't take his calls. Don't e-mail or call him. Resolve that it's over. He has made his choice, and his choice is his wife. Let him go. You don't have to stop loving him, you just have to let go. Once you do, after the mourning period (which can last a few months!) you will begin to feel better. I promise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 8:28am
Hi natty,

I totally feel where you are coming from. I am in a very similar situation, emotionally at least. We have not done this multiple times yet - the breaking up, the getting back - but he claims to be deeply in love with me and to want me, but has to make his life work at home, blah blah blah. I am fine, and then I am not. It is tough. I don't know what I should do. It is so hard to let go when so much of the relationship was fantasy and hope, you know?

I don't know what to do. Everyone here says I need to stop talking to him and cut the emotional cord. But I don't want to. I am not ready to. I think I can't leave someone I love. They either have to leave me, or it has to get completely destroyed first...

Sigh...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 3:35pm
Hi, it's so easy to say don't talk to them but so hard to do it isn't it!.

I want him to tell me it and I meant nothing it was just a fling , but don't think it was.

We dated when we were 16 & 17 for just over a year, this was 24 years ago!he contacted me through web site, stirred up old feeling and when we saw each other attraction was and is still there, we fell in love all over again. Think this is what makes it even harder. I don't want to talk to him but I do just incase! He told his wife he loved me and yet she still let him stay. She texted me to say he was all mine if I wanted him and yet when he said she could have a divorce she changed her mind!

I've been on my own for a long time though happily but feel this has set me back years, guess I had shut all my feelings down until he came along, truely believe he loves me but don't think he will ever have the courage to take a chance and risk losing everything he has. It is hard to lose all the hope you had for the relationship and by telling us they do love us we cling to the hope I guess. I've been divorced and did try to make my marriage work for all the reasons he is trying so I do understand but I think women are braver than men and take more risks where love is concerned. His marriage wasn't happy for years before we met but since I have been on the scene his wife has been really trying hard to make things better all I can hope is that it's either too much effort in the end for her or he realises that it's too late and it won't work.