Waiting for It To End
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| Sun, 12-28-2003 - 3:13pm |
Checked my email this morning, there was an email from MM. He said it bothered him that I left without talking to him, and that he is struggling with everything that has happened, he and I, his family, his kids, and his wife. He says he does care about how I feel, and what is going on in my life. He has thought about me all week, and tried calling my cell on xmas, but it was turned off. He says he hopes I will talk to him.
I emailed him back, I know he is struggling, but so am I. I love you, and it hurts. He called me at home this morning. We talked, just normal everyday stuff.
I feel like crap still. I know I need to move ahead, but it is so hard because I love him. He has such pressure from his family, not to mention the guilt he feels about his children, and his wife. I want so much to believe that eventually he will not stay in the situation he is in, but I read this board, and see that this rarely happens. He does not hate her, he does have feelings for her, so it would be easiest to stay, and not dissappoint everyone, and start over.
He will not be back to work until Thursday, this stinks too, I want to see him so bad.
Sorry for the rambling, this has been an extremly hard week.

Just be good to yourself. You say you are "waiting for it to end"..what is "it"? the relationship? The pain you are feeling? whatever it is, I hope that it ends for you soon, because it is evident that you are in tremendous pain. You say that you cannot have NC with this man because you work together, but your contact is thru phone and email so it really does go beyond work, doesn't it? I'm sorry that this has to be so hard for you.
Jazzdiva
Your right, we work together, so that should be the only contact. I dont understand, why he called me, why he wants to let me know he cares.
He really is a good guy, and maybe he really is struggling with all of this. The guilt of getting involved with me, the hurt he has caused his wife and family. I think he may very well love me, but is to afraid to dissappoint everyone, and give it all up, and start over.
That hurts. My kids are having a hard time with the separation of there dad and I. They are on his side. I have not spoke to them at all today. All I can do is let them know that I love them, and let them get thru these feelings they have.
(((((((((((((pax))))))))))))).......that's all i can thing of doing......your post just made me cry, because i've felt every feeling you're feeling, and i know how painful it is.......you are right when you say "rarely" do these men ever leave.......do we even know of one actual example of one leaving his wife and family, and not going back?......i've not heard of one.......i, too, believed that WE (my MM and I) WERE DIFFERENT......i thought we had something so special there was no way he was going to be able to deny us the opportunity to be together full time and live this incredible love we found.......but recently i've realized that in these affairs, almost everyone feels the same way......we all think this is something so incredibly special, and the women, almostly exclusively, (when it comes to MM, anyway), believe their MM couldn't possibly choose their wife/family over them.....after all, how could they walk away from the love of their lives??......but in the end, they always do........
i feel for you so much, and my wish and hope for you is that you will be able to find the strength inside of yourself to do what's ultimately best for you......i know it's a process, and sometimes we have to get there on our own, when we're ready.....which is why so many of us attempt endings and NC many times unsuccessfully.....but then one day, there does come a day for all of us, when we're ready.......i'm sorry that you work with him, and hope that somehow you'll be able to end the A completely even under those circumstances (working together).....you may actually have to consider finding a new job if and when you're totally serious about moving on in your life and putting an end to your pain......
i truly wish i could speed up the "process" for you so that you can get to the point where you know that it's just not good enough anymore for you to be on this rollercoaster, living through the awful highs and lows, of which the lows are always the majority......
in the meantime, even if you have to force yourself, try to do something nice for yourself each day to remind yourself that you are a valuable person with or without this man, or any man in your life......this is something we all need to remember.......ada
Maybe this would be a bit easier, if I had some closure, some answers. Instead of this crap about his struggling with what has happened, and how much he cares about me, and thinks about me. I told him that he really gave me his answer by moving back, he said it is not that easy. His family has put alot of pressure on him, his wife begging him to come back, his children. He needs to make sure he really loves me, and this was not some mistake that he made.
He is very careful not to tell me he loves me anymore. But, the constant flirting he does with me, touching me, telling me he thinks about me. I have asked him to just tell me, he is staying put. I told him if he was concerned with hurting me, or could not find the words to tell me, was not helping, all it is doing is hurting me more. His answer. I am still struggling with it.
Jeez. Do I sound like a lunitic or what. I cant believe I have let this happen to me. I am normally such a happy person, the one everyone wants to hang out with, but now, I can barely get out of bed in the morning.
I think he has made his decision. He's just afraid to tell you. I think you're the one who has to end it. You should do it soon and you should do it completely. What's keeping the hurt alive is your continued contact with him. End all outside of work contact and you will begin to feel better eventually.
i know you may not want to keep hearing this, but waiting for him to tell you that he is not going to leave his wife is just a way to keep holding on and not beginning to let go.......i understand this completely......i used to practically beg my MM to just say it......JUST SAY IT!, i used to say when i was at the end of my rope.....JUST TELL ME THAT YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET A DIVORCE!!!....if you just tell me that then i'll be able to make a decision based on that and move on.......but as my therapist used to say to me.....he's never going to be able to tell you what he's going to do because he's confused and screwed up and he himself doesn't have any idea what he wants or is going to do !.......she used to say you're trying to make a decision based on what he SAYS, and you just can't do that.....you're going to have to make a decision on what he DOES and what you want.....and she was completely and totally right, although it took me years to believe her......and i still know that today if i called him and asked him if he was ever going to get a divorce, he would still tell me the same thing, which was "i know that i'm not going to stay married to her forever....more than that, i can't tell you....".......and he REALLY MEANT THAT.......he hasn't the foggiest idea what he wants or what he's going to do.......he knows what he'd like to happen if he could snap his fingers and make it all ok.....but he can't take control of his life and his own happiness, and therefore he can't make any kind of decision about anything.......and therefore, he makes his choice in not making any choice at all......as far as i'm concerned, and as far as you're concerned, their choice is made.......they are not leaving.......you do not have to wait until he can say it......because he probably can't say it, just the way my MM couldn't say it either......at some point you are going to have to accept his ACTIONS as his DECISION......waiting for him to actually make a statement regarding his choice.....well, you can wait forever and ever and ever, and he'll probably still be saying that he's struggling with it......
i know......you feel as if there's no closure in that.......but there is if you just accept the fact that he's definitely making a choice, regardless of whether or not he can say that he is.....it doesn't matter.....he also knows what saying the words "i'm never getting a divorce" will mean........those words will mean the end of the affair, because he knows that you are hanging on his decision........and he's not going to voluntarily end the affair completely and let you go......you are going to have to do that yourself.......as almost all of us have to, because these men don't want these affairs to end.......
no, you're not a lunatic at all, although i know how you can be feeling like one.......and i understand what you're saying about how you used to be different, happier, fun to be around.......i've been thinking the same thing these past few weeks, and realize how much i've changed, and i'm struggling trying to even remember what i used to be like before all of this.......and i think the longer you allow yourself to remain in painful relationships like these, you begin to lose yourself, piece by piece, until you just don't recognize yourself any more.......it's another important reason to end the affair......to stop losing pieces of yourself, and start the journey back to who you are and what you want your life to be.........ada
I am much more myself now. I have regained a lot of composure and optimism. I don't know what I'm going to do about my A but at least I am happier about the rest of my life.
You also wrote that your T told you your MM was confused and couldn't figure out what he really wanted. That is my MM as well. He has even admitted that he's confused and can't make a decision. So his decision is not to do anything.
Today, I am in that mood also. I can't imagine not seeing him again.