Time to move on

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Time to move on
8
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 5:42pm
Well, I think it's time for me to retire from the board. I haven't posted much but have read a whole lot. I definitely won't say that I won't be back, but I feel that I am ready to move on.

I have received so much helpful advice from so many on the board, even if it wasn't specifically directed to me, it sure could have been.

How do I know I'm ready to move on you may be asking. Today I decided to "test" myself. I put in a CD that XMM and I really liked, had our first dance together to one of the songs and when I heard it, nothing happened. No memories of him, no missing him, no wishing to see him. Just a nice song that I really like and I was able to listen to the whole CD and still nothing. So there it is.

I won't ever say I am completely recovered, just still recovering probably for the rest of my life.

I wish everyone the best of luck and thank you for the wonderful advice.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 5:49pm
Go forth and prosper girl! I am so happy for you. I really think I am getting to that point also. Although I love the board and have made great friends here (and one psychotic enemy) I think eventually part of being healthy is the ability to move on and not talk about it all the time.

Good luck and come back to visit. Others can learn from your example.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 6:45pm
alife - congrats for you. Oh how I wish for that day. Check in and let us know how things are going from time to time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 7:38pm
i'm so glad for you and wish you all the best!!......there is some comfort to be found in reading a post like yours, and i can only hope to reach that point some day.....thanks for taking a moment to let us know that it does get that much better.......

Much happiness and joy to you in your future......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 6:35pm
Glad to hear that you are able to move on. I want to be at that point. Sorry I don't know much about you as I have been on the Affair Support Board but, How long did it take you to get to that point and how long was your A. Are you married now?

I am just begining to go through the begining steps of ending an A. So I really could hear how you were able to push past it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 7:30pm

ALC, I'd like to congratulate you on taking the next step!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 7:53pm
Hi lrn6,

I'll try to make this as short as I can.

I have been married for 18 years. I met XMM 5 years ago and had an instant attraction to him, but never let him know. When he said hello to me, my heart felt like it skipped a beat. I had never met anyone who had done that to me. We work together, he is a neighbor, one of his relatives is my best friend and we are in the same social circle. We had been flirting and such for probably 3 years but nothing more than that. This past May he decided to let me in on the fact that he has been attracted to me all of this time also. I can honestly say I had no idea. I was sure he only thought of me as a friend. In May we started emailing in secret email accounts, having secret meetings and having a lot of fun together. We fed each others egos and in July we crossed the line to a physical affair. That's when things got really weird for me. I started to obsess over him, where he was, what he was doing. I turned into someone I had no idea that I was. I am thankful everyday that we didn't cross the line any farther into a sexual affair. But we were definitely heading in that direction.

In late Aug I told him I couldn't do this anymore. Deep down I knew that he wanted it to end, also. We always said when either of us wanted to end it the other would agree and we would have no regrets. Easier said than done for me. I wanted the weird stuff to end but I still wanted my friend. Ending this was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Did I love him, I'm not sure, but I did love him as a friend and I'm sorry we ruined that. Our spouses knew what good friends we were so that was no big deal. I'm not quite sure his W knows how close of friends we were before the A. Neither of our spouses know about the A. XMM and are are still friendly because we have to be, but it's different.

A lot of people go NC, I had to work slowly into that. Since we work together and I can see his house from mine complete NC is not possible. I had to distance myself at first, I said a few things to him out of anger that I'm a little sorry for now.

Why I wandered from my marriage I have no idea. I guess it was the attention. My H has a very high stress career and that always has come first. It was so nice to have someone to talk to. Right before we ended it I sat my H down and told him how unhappy I had been lately. His idea of a fix is suggesting a "date night". I told him it was so much more than that. We have been communicating a lot more now and I'm getting more attention at home. All of the energy I put into the A I now put in my marriage and things are the best that they have been in years. This helps to replace the memories of XMM with memories that include my H.

As for pushing past this I didn't think I would ever get to this point and am so happy now. Every morning before I get out of bed I think about all of the things I am thankful for (My H and children are always #1). I had so much to lose had we been caught. There were so many people that would have been affected by this. It would have been really ugly.

This has been the longest 4 months of my life. I am so glad to be moving on. I will probably never forget, but I am forgiving myself.

Best of luck to you. Time is the key.

Edited for a typo.






Edited 12/29/2003 8:10:00 PM ET by alifechoice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:39pm
I've just gotta ask... who's the psychotic enemy??

LOL!

I must have missed some action the past few weeks. I don't remember you not getting along w/ anyone; quite the opposite!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:56pm
Good luck to you with everything!! Congratulations on making it through a tough time!! Post every now and then and let us know how you are!!

Take care of yourself!!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige