Needing to let this one last piece go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Needing to let this one last piece go...
17
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 8:50pm
i don't know if anyone can help me with this, but this is where i am right now.....

i'm in day 14 of NC after a 4+ year A, with the usual agony, pain of ending an A with the "love of your life, soulmate"....you know the story.....i'm married and want to be divorced (with or without the MM).......he's married, and isn't leaving......you also know that story.......this is one of many attempts at ending it, but this is by far the most serious ever......we are both really serious this time, and we've never succeeded in NC for this period of time, not to mention that the 3 months before this were on and off NC, with seeing each other only once during that period of time......

i have to say that, to my surprise, over the last 2 weeks, things have improved.......i'm not crying all day any longer, and don't feel physically ill most of the time, and have times during the day that i'm involved in other things and find that i haven't thought about him for 20 or 30 minutes here or there.......in between those times, i do feel an aching and longing for him and what we had together, but i also know during those times that we can't be together any more......i still find myself feeling complete disbelief that he is ACTUALLY going to let our relationship go and make this choice to stay married.....that has been the single most difficult thing for me to understand and accept, and i believe it's also the reason it's so difficult to completely let go......i'll never understand how or why he could be making this choice....

here's the problem.......i can't stop myself from spending way too much time lurking on this website that he's a member of.......it's a forum for people trying to quit smoking.......i sign on under a name he does not know (although i think he may have figured it out recently) and do nothing but constantly check a couple of things.......1) to see if he is on the site.....and...2) to see if he has posted any new information in his profile.......none of this does anything in particular for me........there is no contact between us, and as far as i know, he doesn't know i'm there........i just simply look at his name on the "members on line" listing, and check his profile to see how he is doing.......and since NC started, he has not added one word to his profile, which is unusual for him......

every day i tell myself today i won't sign on.......sometimes at night, when i should be doing so many other things, planning for the next day (i'm a teacher), or just so many other things i have to do as a mother of 3, etc.......i'll sit in front of the computer on quitnet, just waiting.......i'll use any real reason to actually get onto the computer......check my bank statement, read and post here on the board, check my email, look something up, but in between, i'm like this obsessed maniac, constantly returning to that window, clicking away on the links to find out if he's on line, or check his profile......click, click, click, over and over again..........time passes, half an hour, an hour.......i'll give my self a deadline..........i've been on for 40 minutes, and at 1:00 (a.m.), i'm going to sign off of this craziness and go do something else, read a book or anything else more productive than this, or just go to sleep because i'm exhausted beyond belief, both emotionally and physically........but more time passes......i've tried to limit myself to one hour these past few days, but have spent more like two hours doing this at a time.........even though i KNOW it's cutting into my time and i feel like an obsessed crazy person while i'm sitting there doing it, but i just keep doing it........i know it's my last hold on this relationship.......i know if i let this go and walk away from the computer and do not sign onto this site any more that i've given up ALL hope of ever being with him again......and i also know that if i don't sign on, i'll have to feel the pain all over again of the actual complete ending, because this last thing i have not given up has allowed me to in some strange way continue being connected to him........i know that stopping is the healthiest thing i can do.......but i just haven't done it yet..........there are nights that i wish someone could come over and unplug the computer and take it away.......or at least every night, i just wish someone would turn off the computer and gently direct me to bed so that i can sleep and find some relief from all of this.......but i know no one is going to do this, and i have to do it for myself.........i can't imagine how many more days i can sit here doing this.........i want and need to stop, once and for all..........but i guess i'm just not ready..........i hope i will be soon............

i know there is nothing anyone can say to help me get through this process, but it does just help to post here, and i thank any and all of you for your responses, to myself and anyone else, as i have found this board majorly valuable.......thanks again........

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 9:42pm
hi, ada, glad you posted! and congrats on 14 days of NC!!! ah, the many forms of NC! the net does add a whole new dimension. when i went NC 12 weeks ago, i didn't quit cold turkey either. first it was no more phone calls, then it was no more email, and then it was no more jogging in his neighborhood. it's a gradual process, and somedays you make progress and some days you don't, but you just keep moving forward. i think whatever principles you are using to stop smoking, you could probably apply to lurking. however, i am not sure which is harder. . . :) from what I read, it sounds like you are doing all the work necessary to end the affair. i think one day you will wake up and not want to click on that website anymore than you want to reach for a cig. good luck--wishing you strength!! nutellagrrl
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 11:43pm
Oh Ada, you remind me of myself in many ways. I think what you're going through is totally normal. You're only at 14 days. Give yourself a break. Give yourself more time. Accept yourself the way you are. You will get sick of it eventually. Give yourself a couple of months and then try to wean yourself slowly.

I had a problem with checking some MM thing online too. I let myself go on for several months, and when I was finally ready to do quit, I quit.

Like I said, at 14 months, you're still very vulnerable. What you've done, ending this relationship, is a very major life event. You're going to keep holding on for a while. You will let go completely when you're good and ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 1:59am
Ada, thank you for your post - you have just described me :) My xOM and I are co-workers, and it was kind of hard to do the NC thing after we split up... until he was sent overseas to work and I told myself very sensibly that we could do the NC thing properly and speed up the crappy healing process. So it kind of works in the daytime, when I plough through slowly but surely, but at night... dear me, at night, you and I are like twins. I used to bring my laptop home from work, and when my husband was out working the graveyard shift, I logged onto the chatroom where my xOM and I used to chat a lot, and wait. And wait and wait and wait. While doing the housework, I peeked at the screen every now and then to see if he was logged on. Sometimes he logged on, most of the time, he didn't. By 1am, I give up and go to bed feeling very foolish. So reading your post made me laugh, I feel like you've caught me red-handed!

So how did I resist the urge to log on? 1) I stopped bringing home my laptop from work, because I know I wouldn't use our home computer (don't want my husband to know, sigh... the consequences of an affair - having to hide things from my husband). Sometimes work requires us to bring home our laptops and work from home, but I try very hard to finish work in the office, end late if I have to, anything to avoid bringing home the laptop.

2) if as I suspect, you don't have this problem of a husband or a system at home that makes you feel guilty for logging on, then you have my sympathies because you only have your self-discipline to rely on, and I know how hard that can be especially when you're dealing with that Special Someone. When you get the urge to log on to the computer, haul yourself out of the room and do something, anything, and AWAY from the room where the computer is. Brush the dogs, go for a jog, take someone else's dog for a walk, clean out the refrigerator (I used to do housework in the middle of the night just to avoid logging on), raise the hems of your dresses (needlework makes me eyes tired - perfect for going straight to bed instead of the computer!)...

Maybe you could get a friend to register with the chatroom and whenever she sees you logging on, she must call you and tell you to get the hell out of the chatroom. Tough though... cos that means she has to be logged on too... Or ask someone in that chatroom to play that role ... (but don't ask him of course).

But I KNOW you can do it, because you've already ended your affair, and you've been through weeks of no contact. This is just another baby step which you will master with time. Hugs to you!


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 10:22am

You know what, I'll bet in time, one day you'll just say, "ENOUGH of this!"

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 10:48am
Hi!

Thanks for your reply on the other topic.

I just read through these answers to your question and when I got to the last one I thought "bingo". 14 days of NC hasn't happened. You are still trying to "contact" him even though you are doing it secretly. It is incredibly difficult. Some days I have to just resign myself to knowing it will never happen for me. I think it will just be a long committment to half a relationship.

I have no advice to give you on this because I check my email all the time also. When at work I don't have time. (I do a lot of home visits to the elderly). That is a good distraction. You said you are a teacher, are you on vacation? Maybe when you return to the classroom the kids will distract you during the day anyway.

Have you separated from your husband? Otherwise, aren't you worried he'll notice you are always on the computer?

Probably you will just tire of it and give up checking. I wish you all the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:25pm
you are so right....i already thought about it yesterday, and thought that i should basically "reset my counter", and the only days that will count as NC will be the ones that i haven't signed on to look for him.....honestly, i don't know when that's going to happen....

i've been trying to have all of the right conversations with myself....telling myself to just do it for one day, and then maybe i'll be able to do it again, etc....but no success yet....and honestly, because of how much i still miss him and would often give absolutely anything to just have a converation with him, i don't know when i'm going to be letting go, although i do want to be able to.......i still have many moments throughout the day and night when the craving to be connected to him in some way is so intense that i just don't know what to do with or for myself....and every alternative i think of is just no substitute for what i'm wanting and needing, and i guess signing onto this website is the least damaging thing i can do for myself, albeit damaging enough....

re: my husband's interest in my computer time: i'm not separated but might as well be......my husband and i have nothing to do with each other at all, and he has no interest in why i'm on the computer, and more than likely knows i had an affair, and is not bothered by it at all.....our marriage has been completely over in every way for almost 10 years now......

i understand what you're saying about being resigned to being committed to half a relationship.....i often wonder whether it will ever be completely over for me......i think that in any case i will not be able to get past this completely until the day comes that i'm also free from my marriage and can pursue other relationships......until then, i don't think it will be possible for me to totally let go......

thanks, everyone, for all of your helpful responses and good wishes......i really appreciate them.......

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 1:22pm
I have to disagree with you ada. I think you ARE doing NC. I don't consider checking his posts on a message board to be not doing NC. You are NOT in contact with him. You're still involved with him, in a way, but no more so that if you were thinking about him every day, which at 14 days is quite common.

Just wanted to get that in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 1:55pm
thanks, delightful.....i appreciate that.....it does make me feel that i actually have accomplished something monumental these last 2 weeks..........
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 2:15pm
I didn't mean to belittle what you have done so far.

I think it's great and I commend you for it. I just empathize with you

so much and I wish I had your courage.

I did want to tell you that when I had NC with my MM last year I was starting to

get over him. I had an attitude of "if it was meant to be, it will be" and that

faith gave me strength to go on day to day. After all, what is the alternative??

But when we got back together in Feb. it was very different. First of all it was

the first time he ever said he loved me. And secondly, we became closer than ever.

He shared more of his feelings and thoughts and was more open than he had ever

been. So now, I wish I could go back to where we were last year and end it all.

It was wonderful knowing that he loves me, but the whole A became more painful.

I just don't know what to do. I do pray a lot and that helps, but....
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 2:42pm
Relax...you need to do this at your own pace. You'll get there. Eventually you will get tired of checking to see if he's logged in....

you're doing great!

Jazzdiva

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