I am in so much pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
I am in so much pain.
14
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 8:25pm
So, the inevitable has happened. Our "friendship" has failed too. In the past week, he has sent me numerous text messages and one email, but we have not been able to carry on a full conversation because (a) he keeps dropping the ball midconversation and (b) he has not made more than five minutes for a phone call despite that he is just hanging out waiting for his job to start in 10 days. He's been all, "I miss you," "I love you". And I have been okay with this.

Today, I asked him to call me though, and his answer was, "It's going to be tough because my wife is always around me." So, I was like, "you can't step away for an hour in a two week period?"

Well, you can imagine the rest. I mean, jeez, if you have to ASK that question, it's NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD AT ALL.

He is pushing me away. All of his I miss yous and I love yous mean nothing - they are just an attempt to keep me hanging on. He can't step away from his wife for an HOUR in a two week period to have a phone conversation with me??????????????????????????????????

Is that friendship? Is it a normal friendship if I am so upset about it? Is it a normal friendship if he has such a PROBLEM stepping away from his wife for one damn hour to call me?

NO NO NO NO NO.

1. If he wanted to call me, by GOD, he would call me!! DUH! I know that!!!! HELLO????? Paging my intellect?! Intellect, where are you??? I know that if he wanted to call me, he would have. And he wouldn't have forced me beg and plead with him to make time. And he wouldn't have REFUSED to answer YES or NO to whether he was GOING to make the time. That is not how I would act if I were in love with someone. And that is not how anyone I know would act.

2. If it is like this, I cannot afford to be in this relationship. My stomach is churning. I feel like a piece of dirt. I feel unloved and unwanted. I feel confused and on edge. Yes, there are times that he makes me feel loved and wanted, but they only serve to make these times all the more painful.

3. It WILL get better for me if I start to get over him. I have been here before. In fact, this is NOTHING. I have withstood the end of a two year completely intense love affair where the sex was borderline SPIRITUAL, where we ALMOST ended up together after we both separated, where the love was so strong and passionate, we can NEVER be in each others' lives again. I withstood THAT!! This is NOTHING compared to that. Right now, my ego hurts, and I feel disrespected. All I have to do to eliminate that is eliminate HIM! I have withstood far worse than the end of an affair, I should also note. My life has been filled with illness and tragedy, but I am still standing. I am stronger than this.

4. What happened here is nothing short of BORING, TYPICAL, END OF AFAIR STUFF. We couldn't make the affair work because we knew we were never going to leave our marriages and be together, and neither of us was comfortable with that, least of all him, and we couldn't make a post affair friendship work because the feelings were not gone, so INSTEAD, he has to go and throw it on the ground and stomp on it so that it will go away. And I react by spitting on it and turning my heel. Just the typical post-affair garbage.

I don't feel better yet. But someone PLEASE PLEASE tell me I will. PLEASE.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 8:31pm
jeez lotus with both posted at the same time tonight. both going thru crap. I know it hurts, believe me, I am there now. I wish I could say something uplifting to pull you out of this. Why do we let them do this to us. Or better yet, why do we allow ourselves.

I cant say from experience, but everyone on this board tells us it will get better. I have to believe that, and so do you.

I will be thinking of you, and wishing good feelings your way. Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 11:31pm
This too shall pass........it's about the realization and placement of YOU FIRST in this world. It's the realization that you, me and all the rest of us here DESERVE better than some stupid crumbs that we've willingly accepted in the past.

It's about empowerment of ourselves of NOT taking it on THEIR terms any longer!

Yes, I'm here to tell you it does get easier and much better! Two weeks ago, I was posting and whining about how xMM has agreed to see me after the holidays to give me the opportunity for closure from this entire A mess! The more I've thought about it, the more I realize there will be no benefits for me in seeing him because seeing him will not change the current nor the future....he's chosen to stay with his wife. My closure will come from within ME with no help, validation or ego trip FOR him!

Once I've realized that I'm the one in control of MY LIFE and MY ACTIONS....it's been easier to phase him out of my life!

I say good riddance to you Mr. xMM! I'm NO LONGER BUYING YOUR LINE OF BS!

I know you too can do this because life on the other side of an A is much more peaceful!

Good Luck and welcome to our board :-)


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:16am
Lotus, I, too, was (am?) best friends with my MM, and when he ended our A I was more than devestated. I also tried the phone thing for a week or two, and my MM was just like yours, no time to talk, yada yada yada. When before, he would call me 4-5 times in the space of a few hours, always have time to talk when I called, and he's not doing anything different now than he was then. After a while (I can be slow sometimes!), I just quit calling, and although it's really hard not to pick up the phone at certain times, I make myself wait, and before I know it I'm doing something else and I haven't called! I know you want to still be friends, and I do, too, but I figure right now we need some time apart, and if our friendship is true, then it will return in its own time. Until then, you need to make yourself have NC; that is truly the only way you will start to feel better. It is hard, in fact it may be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do, but you need to do it for your own self. You see what each conversation is doing to you - why do you want to continue making yourself miserable? I promise, you will feel better, but it will take some time and lots of tears and heartache before you do. I really didn't think I'd ever get over him, and I really haven't, but he's moved to a different place in my head and my heart and I'm surprised it didn't take as long as I thought. This board helps tremendously; we're all facing most of the same feelings and seeing how others handle it (and that there are so many who are just like me!) has really been a blessing. Hang in there, kiddo, and you'll see the sun shine again soon!
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:30am
I am sorry that you are pain. Maybe you are realizing that it is going to be hard, if not impossible to have a friendship with a man that you are still in love with. In a perfect world we could all be friends with our ex's..but this isn't a perfect world. Being friends is just hurting you. You still want and expect things from him, things that he cannot or will not give you. Why do that to yourself?

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:39am
Hi Lotus, It would be so nice if we could be like men who seem to be able to turn their feelings off and on when it suits them. I like you have been through far whose than the ending of my affair and I know I am a very strong person but for some reason the end of the affair I feel has set me back a few years!

You will feel better as will I, especially as we've coped with more in the past. My XMM told me i'd be alright (I didn't need him like his family does) as I was a strong person! I told him I didn't have much bloody choice. Sometimes you get fed up of being strong and at times in your life need someone who will support you and let you let go a bit, I thought I had found that person in him, obviously not.

Don't think this weather helps, don't know where you are but it is so dreary here.

The truth of it is we are not yet ready to let go, until we do we will keep hurting and they, knowing they still have a hold on us will pick and choose if they can talk to us or not. I am having a really bad day today very tearful and feeling sorry for myself but maybe tomorrow I'll feel a bit stronger, though as it's New Years Eve I'll be thinking of him, told me he's staying home with wife and children, suppose they'll kiss at midnight and he'll promise her the world to make up for the hurt me I'll just get very tipsy and cry.Hope I haven't made you feel worse.

It's amazing really if you read this board and others on Infidelity boards,all these women who are hurting, the wives who take them back, the OW who they love but will give nothing up for, and where are all the men who caused this hurt with their wives and families, most having to put up with some hassle no doubt but they've still got everything they ever had haven't they and us women let them get away with it!

If it wasn't so sad it would be funny!




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 11:26am
Yes, it would be funny if I weren't so sad....

Last night, while he was OUT WITH FRIENDS and I was HOME CRYING, he text messaged me to ask me to "stick with it, please..." and he asked me to "just give him the week".

Does anyone think I am crazy for feeling that this request is completely outrageous and unacceptable? He can't take an HOUR of his time to call me over the course of a WEEK??????? And if he doesn't want to, if he would rather be with HER, then why is he asking me to stick with it, to not ruin things, to not kill our relationship over one bad day???? WHY?

Please....can anyone help me? Please tell me the answers. Please....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:24pm

He can't take an HOUR of his time to call me over the course of a WEEK???????


Of course he can...if he wants to.


And if he doesn't want to, if he would rather be with HER, then why is he asking me to stick with it, to not ruin things, to not kill our relationship over one bad day???? WHY?


The question is really, "why not?"

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 5:42pm
Hi lotus, your not the only one who is sad!

They are all the same they want to keep us in reserve just incase things don't work out at home, they know how we feel about them and they use it to their advantage. Mine told me he lies next to his wife at night thinking about me so why the hell isn't he with me because it's safe and comfortable at home and she will forgive him anything and although I have up till now he know I wouldn't stand for it. Like you said before you have faced much more in the past as i have don't you think we deserve some proper happiness then not just what these excuses for men will throw us now and then. Feeling brave as had few glasses of wine.

I love XMM but do not want to be in same position in five years time and if I'm not strong I know I will be. Is there no chance of making your marriage better, so that you can have what you thought you had found in affair with your husband. I know this isn't always possible I was married a long time ago. There are no answers that is why it is so painful.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 7:55pm
Lotus,

My MM also ask me "if only I would wait for a month, he would probably have this all figured out".

Doesn't matter if it a day, a week, a month, six months, a year...the fact is he is not going anywhere.

I let him know right away that I would still be here in a month, but I could not guarantee where my heart would be in a month. And you know what, my heart is not with him today. I have no idea about tomorrow, but at least not today.

There is more pain in loving this man today than happiness. I do not think I will ever get over him after 12 years in an EMA making the choice he did. I will not go back there for him or anyone else ever again. What I mean by back there is; a relationship that is not totally open, not totally free to be a couple that will try they’re hardest to be honest and can share their love and commitment with the world if necessary.

I know 'Ever' is a powerful word and I hesitate to use it often, however, personally I do not know of any love that lasts forever, except for the unconditional love for your children and perhaps family. ** Maybe Romeo and Juliet **


Take care,

Lillsilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 8:50pm
Lotusflower, I've had the dubious honour of being on both sides of the affair. I'm recovering, and I was rock-bottom a few months ago, but I'm ok now, so hang in there. If I can do it, so can you!

He says he can't take time out to have a conversation with you because his wife is hanging around with him all the time. Let me put things from the wife's point of view - his wife may know or suspect, and he feels ashamed to make contact with you because by doing so would confirm her suspicions. Hence the lack of courage to make contact with you. At the same time, he wants you as his backup (what guy wouldn't?) which is why he begs you to give him a week. He is going to keep you as a backup as long as you allow him. I still have to share my husband with another woman, dammit, and I know that isn't going to stop unless SHE puts her foot down. I can give him ultimatums and throw tantrums if I want to, but I won't because I know him well enough to know that that ain't going to make him stop. Only SHE can stop the relationship because he doesn't have the strength to stop it himself. Likewise for you. Your MM doesn't have the strength, so you have to be the strong one. Time for you to tell him to stop calling you, because you two need to take time out from each other for as long as it takes for the feelings to subside. Maybe one day in the future you can resume a platonic friendship but only time can tell you if that's possible.

As for getting over him, I know what you mean about those darnest feelings that step in when you think you're a strong person, you've been through worse, and here you are spending way too much time thinking of someone who doesn't deserve your thoughts and your heart. I've been there... sigh... join the club. But as I said, I've been trying to refocus my energy AWAY from him and onto other things, things that make me happy, like my dogs, my books, my music.

You can do it! Hugs to you and have a good new year. Don't drink too much - if you're any way like me, alcohol makes all the sadness comes back.

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