XMM called today.......

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
XMM called today.......
5
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:24am
What is it with these MM today?

I was paged at work today because I had a phone call from my H...when I got to the phone it was XMM. It has been 4 weeks since the end of our EMA of 12 years. He said he didn't know why he called; he just wanted to make sure I was doing okay. Yeehaw, he wasn't worried about me 4 weeks ago when he chose to end the A.

We both ask how one another were doing. I told him I have accepted that we are no longer together. I told him the love I had for him was very real, the pain I felt when he ended it was also very real, but the relationship we had was NOT real at all. He said, "Yes it was real...don't say it wasn't real". I said again, that it was not real and that is just how I feel about it and there is no reason to think otherwise. He started crying on the phone and said he was so sorry, and that he loved me and he would never get over me but he had no choice and he knew I didn't understand but he didn't have a choice. I told him that he did have a choice, and he had made his decision and I was okay with that now. He said he couldn’t get me off of his mind. (Kind of have to say

here that I was a little happy to see him so pitiful). I told him when things settle down at home, and then he would be free to find someone else to have on the side. He said, "Well, your not the only one who thinks that...no one believes anything I say these days". He just kept expressing his love for me and saying how much he missed me. I finally told him that I need to get on with my life, that I had waited too long for him. It took 12 years to build what I thought was an open, honest, and love like no other relationship that I have ever known...and then it took one PI, and raging W, 2 grown raging sons.....and it was over in a matter of weeks.

By the time we got off the phone he was crying so hard he could not hardly talk...



It didn't take me too long to see where I stood. As much as it hurt, and still hurts...I had to let go and will continue to let go. It is so easy to remember all the good times and miss him...but I make myself remember how quickly he dropped everything we "had". I make myself drive by the places we use to go and I take a few brief minutes and I said goodbye. There would be no escaping him otherwise because we have met all over this town and every other town within a 500-mile radius. I am not intentionally driving to all these places, but as I cross them is when I stop to remember, cry a little, get mad, or even I have laughed at something funny that happened while we were at that particular place, then I say goodbye. It does take the power away from my memories and from him. I think I will be okay for the rest of this day ( I have about 30 minutes left :o). Tomorrow, we will see.

Thanks for listening,

Lillsilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 7:27am
I don't know what a 12 year commitment is so I may not be the best one to address this. I know your hurting and feeling a little silly about this whole thing but, you know what is right. Take the fact that he was moved...crying..etc as a sign that he did have true feelings for you. Let that be all you need to move you away from him. He did love you. Let that be enough. You can't have him the way you want. And because he does love you, he would want you to be happy every single day! So take it... tell him if you want me to be happy it's gotta be over.

However, it almost sounds like you want to take him back into your life. Are the stolen moments enough for you? Are the lies and deception enough for you? Just wondering? I guess it is for some people. I just think you deserve more out of life then that. If he was ment to be it would have allready been by now... 12 years is a LONG time.

JMO,

Hugs

Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:16am
Your story really moved me. I have been in an EMA for almost 5 years (in January)and I'm trying to decide whether or not to continue it.

I don't know if I could go on for 12 years. But I also realize how incredibly difficult it is to end a relationship where two people have become so close, need each other so much and risk everything to be together. Last night I lay in bed for a while thinking that maybe seeing my MM when I can is enough for me. I have my grown children and eventually they will marry and have children. I feel like I don't really "have" to have someone around daily. I divorced earlier this year after a 27 year marriage. That break up was hard although I was already involved with my MM. I never thought it would get to that point. I didn't divorce my xH because of MM, we had a lot of problems over the years including his heavy drinking, not helping to raise our kids, and his distance from me.

Anyway, I wanted to know how your MM wife found out about the affair after 12 years? What prompted her to hire a PI?

Good luck to you as you follow your heart. I've heard of people in A's getting back together after NC for as long as 1 or 2 years. I think it's very difficult to ever get over an A.

Have a good one :-)
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 2:47pm
What prompted the his W to hire a PI at first was that we both got webcams back in the summer and she got sucipious he was doing something on the computer in their basement that he wasn't suppose to be doing. I think she thought he was looking at porn, but he was talking to me every night. Secondly, we had went away for a long weekend back in Sept. and he had put the hotel receipt ( 2 occupants ) in his truck glove compartment, well she found it but didn't tell him at that time. Third was when a friend of hers, who is an attorney, ask to use my MM cellphone she got my number from the history. Then they call the cell phone company and had all of his past 4 years records sent to his W's friends office. Not a good thing...because we talked several times a day.

** By the way, it did not do him any good to have his account password protected - as a matter of fact, I called and had it password protected myself. All his W's friend did was call the cell phone company, have his SS# and address and they sent the phone records to her office **

With those records in hand, she hired a PI. She also had his computer turned off at their house, leaving only the computer at his office for him to use. Well, the PI put a keyboard recorded on the computer at the office and the rest is history.

It would not have been so hard if it were MM and my decision to end the affair, but I did not have a choice. The decision was made for me and the whole thing was totally out of my control. I could not go back into the A after the discovery knowing that we were sneaking around. Been there and done that many years ago. It did not feel as though we were sneaking around over the last several years, we were pretty much open with our relationship. He brought me lunch or took me to lunch at a restuarant at least 3 times a week, we worked out together at the same gym, I could go to his office at anytime, he could come to my work anytime. My parents knew, my sister knew, his BF knew, most of his buddies at the club knew and have known since the beginning. We went away at least one long weekend a month and had at least 1 or 2 days during the other 3 weeks of the month.

We tried to communicate low key the first couple of weeks and it just did not work. I was feeling the same anxiety as when we first started this A, the not knowing, not being able to call him at his office or cell, could not be at the gym or tanning bed at the same time. He was feeling the same way. We were both going crazy. We could not be anywhere at the same time without his W finding out about it. We figured that he or I was being followed. Well what we found out was we both had, may still have I don't know, a tracking device on our vehicles. So every single move we made was mapped out, anytime of day or night.

It just was not worth it, I had to let go. It is obvious that he and his W have issues they need to work on and I do not want to be part of that at all. Whether they work their marriage out or not is no longer my concern, nor is my life their concern.


The whole thing is a big nightmare that I want to just go away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 4:58pm
WOW! Now that you explained all that history I'm surprised that his W didn't find out

sooner. All his friends knew and all the people he works with knew and no one came right out and told her??

Anyway, I am sorry that it ended so suddendly and without you making the real decision.

How does a PI get into someone else's office and put software on their computer without their knowledge?? I have a feeling all our of rights are being violated daily.

You are lucky, in a way, that you got to go away with him and share time openly. I am not able to do that. My MM and I never go away, never have gone out to dinner or anything else. It's always been very secretive and behind closed doors.

They (your xMM and his W)do have a lot of issues to work out, you're right about that. Most married couples that involve one person being unfaithful are well on the road to divorce. I am sorry if I offend anyone, but frankly, what kind of marriage is that??

Take care of yourself and have a Happy New Year.

Things will be better in 2004.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 5:49pm
You sound strong..i think you handled yourself well..Bravo darling...

I have to admit that it made me feel good to hear how pitiful XOM sounded on the phone too..i guess we need that tiny bit of validation...especially after being disposed of so easily...

keep being strong.

Jazzdiva