the dawn of a new year...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
the dawn of a new year...
8
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 7:53pm
3 months NC. strange. in some ways, it was the longest 3 months of my life. in other ways, it was the fastest 3 months.

i haven't been on the board much lately in the last month or so. no, not b/c i've found all the answers or b/c i'm suddenly cured. and definitely, not b/c i'm no longer hurting. let's be clear. i'm still searching for the answer to probably the same question you're all asking: why? and i'm still wondering what defect about me/my personality/etc. possessed me to seek comfort from a married man. and i'm definitely still hurting. but i'm not missing him. i'm missing me. the confident person i used to be...but i stopped logging on to the board b/c i needed to re-focus my energy towards me, my boyfriend, my family, and my career...and away from the A and anything associated w/ it. but this board was a god-send, especially during the first few weeks of NC. i think of the friends i met here and often wish that i could thank them personally. i like to think that they do realize what great people they are and how grateful i am for the support they showed.

i won't lie. there have been days where i've been sorely tempted to email. but then i force myself to open my purse & take out my mirror. i stare at my reflection and ask myself if emailing is worth the self-respect and self-esteem that i'm ever so slowing starting to regain...

and while things are going very well w/ my boyfriend, memories do pop up out of nowhere. i no longer think it's a sign that "something MUST be wrong" w/ my relationship w/ my boyfriend. i know better now. memories are just that. they are flashbacks of the past. and i'm now content to let the past remain where it is, in the past.

because it's a new year. a new beginning. a new chapter.

as the dawn of a new year approaches, i wish everyone on this board - past, present, and future - finds peace within themselves.

love,

sambagita

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 8:53pm
Sambagita! So weird we are popping in here at the same time! Today is 12 weeks for me, too, and I've been feeling reflective as well. I haven't thought about my xMM much in the last couple months, but the last few days, he has really been on my mind. So I know there are obviously some feelings I still need to work through, namely regaining my self-respect and self-worth as you wrote. The past couple months, I've been dating a nice, _single_ guy. He thinks I'm great. (If only he knew!) The last couple days, I've scared myself with thoughts of calling my xMM. I can only assume this is a form of self-saboutage--that somewhere down deep inside, I don't believe I deserve to be happy. Low self-esteem sucks! Anyway, my new year's resolution is to NOT act on these feelings and continue No Contact. I just needed to post that, to see it in writing, to have you all read it and hold me accountable. I might let myself down, but not any of you, who have helped me and supported me so much. Sambagita has already wished us all peace. I wish us strength. Does anyone have more New Year's wishes to add?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 9:39pm
Your words struck a chord in me and I want to thank you for that. What ever did possess me to seek comfort from a MM? Who knows. I am single and have a wonderful, single man in my life that I need to focus more on. He has no clue, other than knowing that something was holding me back from getting more involved with him. He has been so very patient with me as I struggle through this. I want it to work with him and have to live with the ghost of the MM always there. Maybe, as time goes by, that specter will fade. As contact with MM lessens to nothing, I can focus on the one who just wants to be there for me, and expects nothing in return.

I really do need to count my blessings.

A new year, a fresh start and maybe some peace of mind for all of us is what I hope for. Plus, the sense to NEVER get into this situation again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 11:18pm
Hi Sambagita- I too am so grateful for having found this board. I've printed out many posts from Sage Souls such as yourself to act as my mandala of sorts when I need to refocus. I'm still not there but I've made a lot of progress. I still care deeply about the XOM, but the pangs that I used to feel at the seeming unfairness of it all have become less so and are now a dull ache that I can feel is healing. There are even days when I wonder if I am fooling myself and am really masking my pain. Such is the surprise that I feel at having been able to move on. However, this next year will be paramount- I've been given two high profile projects that will have major impact on my profession and I won't have time to pine. Thankfully. I'm feeling more in control than I did in a long time. Times like New Year's and Christmas certainly test your mettle, though.

For all of us I wish that we learn to live in the moment, taking with us into every interaction the lessons that we continue to learn. Imagining the consequences of our actions. Loving ourselves above situations that seem to meet our needs, but loving ourselves enough to turn our hearts away from sure pain. Lastly, I wish that we all choose to live our lives, and each of the moments that make them up in such a way so that one day when we are at the end of our journies, we will never mourn the women and men that we became and have only a few regrets about the choices that we have made.

OK- I'm definitely turning off my Josh Grobin CD!!!

Peace and Love to us all,

Love, Snap


Edited 12/30/2003 11:20:01 PM ET by snapdragonfly2003

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 7:56am
nutella!!!!!!!!

it's great that we're on here at the same time! i'm even happier that you're doing pretty well. congrats on 3 months NC! i'm really glad that we struggled together. you and so many people on this board are trully life-savers!!!

that's so awesome that you're dating someone NICE and SINGLE!!!!!

and don't worry too too much about these thoughts. i'm having similar thoughts. so i'd like to think that they're normal (haha). but seriously, i've got to believe that they're all part of this crazy healing process. "if you're going through hell, keep going." and frankly, the thoughts/memories now aren't as wacked as they were before. so it does get easier. and yet harder. does that make sense. in a way, i think it's easier b/c they don't bring me pain anymore. but harder b/c sometimes they creep up unexpectedly and i'm not as prepared for them as i was at the beginning. i dunno. i really do believe/hope that they'll fade w/ time. also, i know, i mean really know, that contacting him would do me no good. he's not going to have any of the answers. i do. i just haven't quite found them yet. sigh. someday...

anyhow, low self-esteem trully does suck! when i felt like i was spiralling out of control, my aunt made me sit down and write down all of my blessings and all of my "accomplishments." i still refer to it & sometimes add to it when i'm feeling down. somehow, seeing things on paper, like seeing things on this board, makes things realer.

have a happy new year!!!!!!

love,

sambagita

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 8:12am
hi snap!!!!

i'm really glad to hear from you. people come in & out of your lives and i really think i'm fortunate to be able to re-connect now & then w/ people who very much were integral to the healing process!

hey, hang in there, okay? there are bad days. but that's all they are. bad days. and in a sick sort of way, you know it's bad only b/c there are good days. so while you still care deeply about him, and those feelings sometime bring you pain, know that you are healing...

i wonder if i'm making any sense? i think what i'm trying to say is don't doubt yourself too much. i sometimes look back on the last 2 yrs and i wonder if it really happened. was that really me? did i really feel those things? did i really risk it all? yes, to all those questions. but if yes to all those questions, then how come i don't feel the same anymore? i dunno. maybe b/c i woke up. b/c i guess i "snapped" out of it & am just dealing w/ the aftermath & why/how i let myself fall into such a mess.

congrats on the projects!!! that's so wonderful. i'm sure you're going to kick butt in them! i've been throwing myself into work. well, actually, works been thrown at me. but whatever. in any event, my work helps me live in the here & now. and not in fantasy land.

hey, thanks for your wishes. your last paragraph was really touching.

have a happy new year's, snap!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 8:20am
hi, tired!

hey, you're on the right track. deep down inside you know what you need to do. i've been doing a lot of reflecting this past couple of days. and i'm convinced that things do get better. just 6 months ago, i didn't know what to do. the thought of re-focusing my energies away from the A hadn't even dawned on me. i was so utterly lost back then...

i'm glad to hear that there's someone special in your life. but you don't just need to focus on him. you need to focus on you. and i don't mean endless introspection. b/c i think at some point, we'd all go nuts if we did that. but little by little, i think we all need to figure out what "possessed" us to enter a relationship that was doomed from the start...the answer's out there somewhere. wherever it is, i definitely know that XMM isn't going to have the answer for me. this is one answer, i'm going to have to figure out on my own...

have a happy new year!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 9:01am
I am trying to focus on me. That is one of the only ways that I am able to let xmm go. Although my contact to him has stopped... he is continuing to try and call me and leaves voice mails. I still wonder what he might try to do from a distance to sabotage my New Year's Eve (he lives 400 miles away now).

I do agree that one day, we may know what made us turn to someone who was so unavailable to us.

But, for today, I will try not to dwell on it. I do have a good man, some plans for the evening and, hopefully, the start of a beautiful year ahead.

Happy New Year to you as well!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 11:27am
This is a beautiful and truthful post.