i thought i was doing better till today

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
i thought i was doing better till today
11
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 8:09pm
first, let me say thanks to everyone for all of your encouraging and supportive posts......and i thought i was doing better, until today, and now i'm just falling apart all over again....no, there has not been any contact......but i'm feeling like i've just reached my saturation point or whatever with missing him and having no contact with him, and i'm beginning to feel like i'm just going to implode from all the emotions.....i'm completely falling apart, and cannot take one more second, totally craving some contact with him, having to fend off all of these ideas running through my head.......like driving to places i know he'll be, even just to sit outside, useless things like that......or sending a happy new year email......these thoughts and so many others are just radomly running through my head, and i've got to take the time to talk myself out of each and every one of them.....it's exhausting.....

i'm finding myself thinking things like.....well, maybe, since i'm married VERY unhappily, with absolutely no relationship with my husband (for 10 years now!), and he's very unhappily married, and although i want a divorce more than anything i don't know when i'll be able to get it.....it could actually be another 4 or 5 years for me.....why can't i just accept all of the wonderful things i got from the relationship i had with him, all the love, affection, incredible sex.....why can't i just take all of the good things and accept the limitations of the relationship?....WHY???.....this has been the question that has driven me crazy for years.....i haven't been able to figure out WHY i just can't do that.....can anyone in an affair do that if they're married and they know they're not going to be available for a relationship with a single man in the near future??.....maybe i should ask on the affair board, or do they all eventually wind up here???.... because i keep thinking that if only i could HANDLE IT, then i wouldn't have to be giving it all up.....i just don't know what's right or wrong anymore (and i don't mean morally, just right or wrong for me).....

i think the fact that it's new year's eve tomorrow has something to do with it.....holidays in general are tough, but new year's is especially difficult......for four years, we've always found some way to contact each other at midnight to say happy new year, and i love you, and doing that was something that was really important to both of us......and i've known for weeks now that this would be a really difficult night, and that knowing that midnight would come and we wouldn't be contacting each other was going to be unbearable........and i guess i'm already feeling it, and just don't want to go through the day and night tomorrow......i just can't bear the thought of being in a house full of people who are just thinking it's just another ordinary day, another ordinary new year's, and having to chat about whatever, when i don't want to be there or chat about anything with anyone, and being able to tell no one how i'm feeling......i just can't believe i'm starting a new year without him.....i knew it would happen someday, but i guess i wasn't ready for it.....even though it was me who ended the relationship and thought i was ready for it....

all i know is i need to find a way to pull myself together before i do something that i'll either regret or that will just set us both back or before i just come apart at the seams......

thanks for listening.......

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 8:17pm
Ada,

I understand what you are feeling. My MM and I always connected at midnight - usually it was a text message just to say, I love you. This year, I know I will not hear from him. But I am learning that with change comes good things. It may seem unbelievable now, but look at it this way...IT IS ONLY ONE NIGHT. Why throw away the NC for one night? Actually for only one second - when the clock strokes midnight?

I am feeling unusually strong today and hope this somehow helps you. Yesterday, I was a mess (I devoured 2 pounds of Godiva chocolate, while laying in bed all day). Keep strong - tomorrow may not be easier, but the next day might...

Hugs,

DC

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 8:40pm
Ada,

I was just reading some of your old posts and you brought up some very good points. I think it would be worth your while to re-read some of the reasons you ended the A in the first place. I know it is easy to forget when you are feeling such pain, but it would be worse if you went back. You make reference to this being similar to quiting smoking and I agree. I quit, and the "addiction" is similar. The first 7 days are considered "Hell" week. I'm sure this will take much longer than 1 week to get through the "hell", but once I do, it has to be easier than the past few months of Hell I've been living in. Hey, it didn't take me a day to fall in love, and I know it won't take me a day to fall out. I still look at my phone a million times a day, just in case he sent me a message.

Please hang in there - you are my inspiration - you made it 14 days!!! I'm sure when I am on day 14 I will be feeling the way you are now. Right now, I am doing a victory dance for making it only 2 days of total NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 9:02pm
ada, dreamcanoe is right about "hell week!" that is an apt description! you will have good days and bad days. but thanks to this board, the bad days aren't as bad as they could be. the good days do start adding up and outnumbering the bad. i get a sense that the ending the affair is only the first step for you. once the dust has settled, you will be able to re-evaluate the unhappy state of your marriage with a clear mind, not one clouded by the fallout from the A. keep posting!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 9:17pm
thanks, DC and nutellagrrl.......DC you made me smile :) for the first time today when i pictured you doing your little victory dance!!.....i'm glad you're feeling so good!....hold onto that feeling.....and nutellagrrl, you are soo unbelievably right about how the bad days would be immeasurably worse without all of you here on the board.......someone was watching out for me when i found this board!!.....i'm going to just try to get through this night and tomorrow, and hope for a better day after that.......

((((((thank you, all))))) .......ada

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 8:08am
Here's a thought...

New Years is a hard night - especially for me because New Years 1999/2000 was the first night I realized that OM and I had feelings for each other. It was our first kiss and it was amazing. We have always considered that night our anniversary.

This will be the first year I don't hear from him on this day and to be honest, I'm totally ready for it. A little before midnight I'm going to think of OM and I'm going to say goodbye in my heart. I want this to be the last special occation that he ever casts a shadow of sadness across. I am tired of 'sharing' holidays with him - really what does it bring me and my family? At midnight I'm going to kiss my husband and think about the good things that next year can hold - none of them include OM. My birthday is in January and NOTHING is going to get in the way of me enjoying it this year. I'm going to be thinking of the people I'm with and how much I love them and they love me and how happy and lucky I am.

Why don't you try it also?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 4:16pm
thanks, crystal, for the suggestions......i'm so glad to year you sounding as healthy as you do, looking forward to wonderful things for yourself next year and none of them having to do with OM.....how long did it take for you to get to this point, how much time apart?.....

i guess i'll get to that point when i'm ready...at least the point where i'm grateful for the good things i have in my life.......i'm undoubtedly grateful for my children, who they are, and the relationships i have with them (although my daughter can drive me nuts!)......but i think what plays a part in my overall misery is that i have wanted a divorce for almost a decade, and now that MM is gone from my life i'm back where i was 5 years ago.....

i know that i don't want to go back to living the way i did during the affair, but i also can't bear the thought of my life going back to the way it was before i met MM, which was that i had been alone (without a man in my life, emotionally or physically, regardless of the fact that i was married) for about 5 years at that point......i think this is a huge part of my problem in dealing with the A being over, aside from the fact that i miss him so much......i'm caught in this place where i couldn't stand living the lie of my marriage any more, but also couldn't see my way through to divorcing for various reasons at that point, and then during the affair, i couldn't bear knowing that i had met someone i felt i wanted to share my life with, but he wasn't going to let that happen.....all the way around life has been pretty unsatisfying for a very long time........now, facing the end of the A, i'm back to either there being no-one in my life once again, and not knowing how long it will be before i'm separated or divorced, or (can you imagine?) thinking about the possibility of finding someone to fill this void once again, but never wanting to let myself in for this kind of pain again.......and when i look at the whole picture, i just begin to feel as if there's just no answer for me right now.......and sometimes, and i'm not saying i'll act on it, but sometimes i do wonder if having MM in my life wasn't better than being without him........as many people have said, it's all what you can handle......have you ever known anyone who actually was able to deal with the limitations of an affair?......i'm sure there out there, and i'd love to know their secret, but i just wasn't able to do it.......

right now, the goal is to get through this minute, and the next, and somehow get through this entire day and night, because i'm not doing well at all.......it's been a horrible day, and i just don't know how my heart will handle midnight tonight, and the sadness that will come with realizing there will be no phone call this year.....

thanks again, and i do hope that you have an absolutely wonderful new year' eve, but more importantly, that 2004 brings you all of the good things and more that you're thinking about today......ada

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 4:31pm
You know Ada - life is what you make of it. I firmly believe that. Happiness is within your reach - sometimes its really just a matter of deciding to be happy. I know you're going through a tough time right now, and perhaps the best you can do is promise yourself to turn it around so you'll never have another New Year's like this again. And then somehow, someway...turn it around.

As for me and my affair - it still hurts and I'm not over him, but I'm closer. I can't say how long it has taken to get to this point, because its more about realizing things than time. The best thing I've done is read as much as I can about affairs - that has brought me to this point. NOW I need to start learning about me and my views and choices etc. so I never repeat this mistake again. And it was a HUGE mistake!!

Take care of yourself tonight. Believe it or not - you are better off that he doesn't call, cause you're better off without him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 6:14pm
Hi ada, Happy new year!

I'm sorry I didn't have time to get on the boards yesterday, I had to work all day.

I feel your pain, but do hang in there. Although I cannot face NC yet, I am living vicariously through you. Right now I am at a place where I am going to stay with my MM and live each day grateful for what we have. I have the same feelings as you about not having him in my life full time, but I CANNOT be without him in some way.

I know there are women and men who stay in A's and accept the limitations because on this board and My Affair Support board I have read of people in A's for many, many years. I think more importantly for you is to take a long hard look at your marriage. I was also in a marriage where I had no physical, emotional, or spiritual contact with my exH. I HAD to leave him and get a divorce. Even though I would be alone (and maybe forever), I didn't care. It's better to live a life alone and feel good about yourself and have peace of mind, than to continue in a dead marriage.

The hard thing you are trying to do is decide to end both relationships at the same time. I think that would be very, very difficult. I could only end one (the worst one) first.

Now I have time and peace to concentrate on the other.

Many days I feel that I don't care if I ever have a real serious relationship with a man again. I am happy with my MM and the time we can share.

Take care of yourself and keep posting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 11:55pm
i agree completely that the most pressing issue in my life right now is how unhappy i am in my marriage, and how much i want to pursue a divorce......i need to focus and concentrate on what i need to do in order to make that a truly feasible option for me financially.....i'm beginning to feel, on thinking so much this past month, that i was more unhappy about my marital situation than anything else, and that i looked to my affair and my MM to be a solution for me, and that was the wrong place for me to be looking for answers....i ultimately think that my unhappiness in the affair, although understandable because i did miss him so terribly and was often unbearably lonely, was really just a manifestation of how unhappy i am with my situation in life in general.......possibly if i could have separated those two things i may have been able to keep the happiness in found in my relationship with my MM separate from the rest of my life.....but that sounds kind of simple, i suppose, and we human beings are soo very complex!!

i was wondering how long you've been divorced, and if you have any children, and if so, how did they cope with the divorce?....for many years, i've feared how my children would handle it, even though my H and my children are not very close, as he's not an easy person to get close to......

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 10:21am
All you said is very true. We tend to carry over our unhappiness to other relationships.

I used to be very short with my kids, some co-workers, etc. until I left my xH. We were

not close at all for at least 4 years before the A. My x never found out about my A and I'm really glad of that. He had a serious drinking problem which made everything worse. I left him in Jan. 2002 and thought that maybe we could work things out if I was physically gone from the house. He made several luke warm attempts to take me out on "dates" and talk things out. But, he refused to go to counseling, he had stopped drinking but refused to attend AA meetings or any support groups. He seemed content with ending our 27 year marriage, so in March 2003 I filed for divorce. My divorce was final this past Nov. but I have felt alone for a long, long time. I know you can relate to this. I asked him several times if this is what he really wanted, and he said yes. It was hurtful to see how little I mattered to him and how easily he could live without me. But on the other hand, I was no longer in love with him, so... it worked out for all. My children are now 27, 25 and 23. I have two daughters (the oldest two) and one son. My son was (or seems to be still) ok with it. He is not close to his Dad either and I think he understands the most why I left his Dad. My son was still living at home when I left. My daughters took it a little harder. The middle daughter is living in New York and has been there since 2001, so she was out there when I moved out. She was sad, but she understood. Both my girls say they just want me and their Dad to be happy. We did not have a nasty divorce, on the contrary we split all our assets and sold the house and are still "friends". There are many days when I wish he had gotten mad, or didn't want to talk to me anymore, or show "some" feeling. But, it's better for the kids this way. My X is planning on moving to Arizona soon and that will give me a lot of closure.

Sorry this got so long.

I think you'll be fine and your children will understand. I don't know how old they are but even young children know when their parents are unhappy. It's better for all involved to be at peace with yourself and to be true to your emotions. The fallout from being unhappy is tough on all those you love.

Keep good thoughts :-)

Pages