When is it "ready" for NC?
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When is it "ready" for NC?
| Wed, 12-31-2003 - 4:04pm |
I've read so many posts, and learned a lot from all of your experiences. It seems to me that anyone who has went through an A feels hurt, and that hurt and confusion last a long time. Mine has only begun, physically, and I am starting to question why do I accept a MM, someone who has no emotion for me? I feel guilty to his family so I don't ask for his "love" (it should be with his W and children), nor do I ask him about his marriage, because I don't want to listen to lies. Sometimes, I wondered because you are the ones that felt hurt, you actually have more pride and better self esteem? It is justified what a MM has done to you, and it is his selfishness that strings you along emotionally...
At this point, I only know it is wrong, and should stop, but I don't know if I am ready for NC. I tried twice before already, and it didn't work. It seems to pushed me further along. Has anyone been through this phase?
Thanks!

The MM do have emotions for us. I believe my xmm loves me, but he was not willing to do what was necessary to be with me full-time and out in the open. We were both selfish in our relationship. I have no pride in the fact that I remained with a mm for so long and my self-esteem was all but ruined by our relationship. I guess if one can keep emotions out of the mixture, maybe it could be dealt with. I think I am on the road to healing, but I really wish I could erase the last two years of my life and relive them the right way, and that would be.... as soon as I learned he was married (six weeks into our relationship), I would have run and run fast. He is not a bad man, but there was something lacking in his marriage that led him to stray. That is not my problem, though. It is something he needs to work out.
I have said this before to someone and it may bear repeating. If you are content to remain in a relationship that has no future and where you will never be number one, then continue. I was not satisfied to keep our "secret" any longer. I am single and want a man in my life who will be there for me 100%, someone I could be out in public with. I can meet his family, be part of his life.
Bottom line is, affairs are wrong and should be avoided at all costs. Mark my words, I will NEVER again be involved with someone who is married.
Just my opinions here. Good luck to you....
The self esteem doesn't seem to kick in until we're ready to accept the reality that this relationship will never go any further then being a secret! IMO, that's when NC becomes the primary drive of our own survival.
Good Luck to you in figuring out what is best for you!
I tried NC both ways -- to get that reaction (and at the time I wouldn't have admitted that) and to get away. His reaction was so intense and desperate, it either reassured me or made me feel terribly guilty.
After 3 years, NC was no longer a game (again, only in retrospect can I see that I was playing an emotionally manipulative game) and I wanted out. I just felt guilty and crummy all the time (except in those rare, bittersweet moments we were focused on each other)
For me, it was a lot of things that got me ready: reading the posts here & at the affair support site (did NOT want to be that person anymore) for months. Talking with friends who told me the truth--that I had to end it, that I deserved better, and that it was just plain wrong.
I started dating. I made myself work harder at my job. I even told my boss (of almost 20 years so I don't recommend this one for everyone!) because I knew that I'd be too embarrassed to sneak out for a long lunch once the boss knew. I spent more time with my friends & my children. I weaned myself from him. He didn't seem to even notice that much -- maybe he thought he was finally getting me in a manageable way!
One night I went out with a guy that I thought WOW! for the first time since my divorce (5 years before). I told MM that I wanted to give this guy a chance. He always claimed he'd "let me go" if I found someone.
I knew that even if the new guy didn't work out, that there was SOMEONE out there for me. MM eventually freaked out at losing me (this time NC was real and not a game) & said he would tell his W, leave her etc. I said, I'm not here for you anymore. He stalked me a little until I threatened to call police. I now see him as sad & pathetic & desperate to find a little comfort. I've forgiven myself the awful thing I did and I've forgiven him too -- if that makes sense.
I never want to see him again. I've been with my "WOW" guy now 8 mos. & it's great. It's SO much harder than the affair because it's real. But I feel good about myself & my life. I'm in love and it's just so much sweeter than the affair could ever be.
Even after I finally ended it with MM & it was real NC -- no emails, no calls, no drive-bys, no walk-bys, no response to ANY of his efforts -- I still needed some therapy to help me learn how & why it happened because it still hurt even after I was free and knew I didn't want it any more. therapy really really helped. I do recommend that one!
good luck. Try to make yourself ready -- the quicker you get out, the less damage you do to yourself and your self-esteem & possibly to this guy's family too.
Sounds like you might be almost there. What is it that's keeping you in this relationship? Love for him? How about taking a look at all the reasons you might be able to accept staying in a relationship that gives you less than you deserve?
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm also single like you. That's good that you know he has had feelings for you. I think mine doesn't have any feelings for me, since he listed all the things he has in his life when I asked him to see me. Then, I realized that I'm not at all thought of. At first, I felt guilty to his family so I did prefer to be as "invisible" as possible. I didn't ask for much, but now, that makes me feel like I'm just a fling for him. It makes me feel like "nothing."
I thought I can be content and not ask for much, but I can tell he has decided to work on his marriage. He even tell others about their entertainment and "rediscovering their spouses" outings, in front of me! It hurts so much that he was that blatant.
I feel like I have no more self esteem. I told him that since he decided to work on his marriage, then I'm out. He's agreed with it, so there's nothing I can do. He doesn't care for me at all, so now, I feel so rejected, and unwanted. It hurts more than I thought. I just want to stay strong and not contact him. I have to tell myself over again that he doesn't care for me.
Sure, it was good to know that he had feelings for me, but that did not change the fact that he was staying married and if I wanted to be involved with him, it had to continue on those terms. I thought, initially, that I could be content with that. It was actually nice not to have to worry about the day-to-day living stuff. But, as feelings grew and deepened, it was not ok. It was not ok that he was remaining married (with all of his divorce promises). It was not ok that his wife was starting to suspect something, even though she lived 400 miles away during our affair. It was not ok that he was there for holidays and many, many weekend visits. It was not ok when I had a crisis in my life, that he was not there for me and then had the nerve to get angry about me not telling him about it via an email. It was not ok when he took a long planned anniversary trip and expected me to be ok with it, all for show, you know. Then he lost his job and had to move back and I am supposed to sit and wait for him while he decides what to do next. That is not ok either.
I hope that soon you will consider yourself fortunate that you found out what kind of a man he really is before you got any more involved with him.
Please don't feel like "nothing".... You are worth far more than having to settle to be someone's second choice. Your self esteem will start to improve each and every time you look in the mirror and know that you are no longer in this situation, which is so unhealthy for most who get involved. You need to be strong and know that there are men out there that can be there for you 100% and fully public!
I have someone in my life that I am beginning to get closer to and it is a wonderful feeling. He is single and wants me in his life. I have met his family and there is nothing that has to be hidden about our relationship. Xmm was/is extremely upset by the fact that I am seeing someone and has attempted to make my life a living you know what. His W is making moves toward divorce and he still wants me to wait for him. I have told him, repeatedly, to contact me when he is divorced and we will see where my life is at that time. He then gets furious with me for not promising that I will drop the man I am currently seeing and go back to him, once he is divorced. Any contact we still have is initiated by him. I make no moves to initiate contact, but fall into the trap when he baits me with words and I wind up responding.
It truly has been a nightmare and you should count your blessings that you found out early. So, please be strong!!!! Keep posting and get strength from all of the wonderful people here who have and are going through the same thing that you are.
Hang in there, chin up and walk tall!!!!