Am I the only one here whose affair was

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Am I the only one here whose affair was
3
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 4:16pm
more emotional than sexual, as in, we BARELY had a physical relationship. Our relationship was almost entirely in the heart, the mind and the fantasy world. We were together only twice! I read the posts from women whose affairs were sexual and lustful, and it makes me jealous!!! I feel like my MM/exMM never really "wanted" me. Rather, he just loved me so much, and once he actually made love to me, he didn't want me anymore. At least that is what it seems like to me. He and I discussed how we never should have consummated our love, how we didn't want to, but we were scared that if we didn't we would lose each other. And I know it makes sense, I actually felt that way myself. I never wanted an affair. But once I was with him, I was totally into it. And he pulled away. This hurts me deeply.

I suppose that women in very physical affairs who always want it to turn into love feel slighted too...they feel sexy, but not loveable. Or something like that.

But I can't help but feel very very ugly and unsexy because he was able to pull the plug on our sexual relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 8:05pm
I don't know if what I want to say will make sense or not, but just my opinion, your affair being mostly from the heart, I feel like the love between you too is a deep, and truer love. I bet it's safe to say he finds you sexy and beautiful. Maybe he is scared of the feelings he has for you. That's was happened with me and XMM. My feelings are/were so strong for him that I ran scared. I'm married, over 20 years now, and an affair was the last thing in this world I thought I'd ever be in. (Maybe we all have said that). Over the course of 2 years, we made love only about twice. But I felt that maybe the heart kept us together. He could have ran off from me, for someone else if it was just about sex. But he didn't. ( atleast that's what he told me) For us it became what i felt a heartfelt bond, so strong that even if we weren't meant to be together as lovers, I'd always have a friend.

As I write this I'm trying to be strong and positive, but it tears me up inside, because I know the affair should end for good, in my head & my heart.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 3:09am
I do identify with the deep hurt.....but, I'm hopeful that what my xMM told me (during the 5 year friendship that followed the brief physical A) will help you.....His ending it had nothing to do with ME as a person or what I contributed to our relationship....it was all about him and his decision/realization that his marriage really wasn't as bad as he originally felt it was and the fact that he wanted and needed to be a better role model for his teenage children.

It really wasn't about a comparison of sexy VS lovable because to xMM, when it came to me, there was no difference between the two.....it just came down to him doing what was the right thing for his family....NOT exclusively the wife!

It always comes down to OUR perception of the situation....if you change your perception, things will look and feel quite differently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 10:49am
Hi Lotus,

Almost in same boat as you during relationship only together twice,it was more emotional for a long time although we were very attracted to each other. The second time we made love he ended it the following day, it made me feel there must have been something wrong with me or that he got what he wanted and ended it, although I know he wasn't in it for sex there was so much more to it than that, but after discussing it with XMM I beleive what he told me that it made him realise he had to finish it then or he would never be able to, that when he was in my arms that is where he wanted to stay and that frightened him. I know in a way that makes him a coward but he had told me before he didn't think he would be able to leave his children, so at least he never lied about that.

One of the reasons my XMM is finding it hard to let go is because those times apart from everything else were so special to us both, guess more so cause when we went out together as teenagers we never went that far, even though we went out for a year(don't know if it makes it worse to realise what we missed or nice we got the chance) I know neither of us will forget it.

It could be that your man realised after making love with you that if he carried on he would be in so deep he wouldn't be able to get out not that there was anything wrong with you. If it was more emotional then there obviously was love there for you and the sexual side just drags you both in deeper and it probably scared him!