Where to Go From Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Where to Go From Here
11
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 2:11pm
I posted previously about how hard the holidays have been, and then he contacted me over xmas weekend and told me his missed me.

Back to work on Monday. We have talked quite abit. He says he has come to the realization that he is back at home for his children only. He wants our relationship to continue, he cannot pull away from me he says. I asked him what that does for me, we get closer while he is trying to figure out what to do, and then what, he decides to say, and I am even more devastated. He is worried about hurting his family, and disappointing him. Same stuff as everyone else here says.

He says he has missed me so much, yada yada yada.

It is just making me sick. I love him so much, and he loves me, but he is to weak or something to do something about it. Part of me wants to tell him, look I love you, but i cant do this, just leave me alone, but the other part finds that so hard to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 2:49pm
I think this was very selfish of him to tell you this. When someone loves you, they put you first, not their own needs.

You know this is wrong for you. You are hurting because there is some of what you want with this man. It's hard to believe right now but the intensity of your feelings has a lot to do with the forbidden, can't happen nature of the relationship. People told me that during my 3 year A with an MM and I thought, no, this is true love. he is my soul mate.

what really happened with me is that I was very vulnerable & lonely & deprived but too afraid to really put myself out there for a real relationship after my divorce. my MM was my best male friend. I felt he had a little crush on me for years. When he pursued me, I was ashamed & excited & thrilled and terrified. All that intensity just fed the emotions & I believed it was love.

Now that I'm almost a year free of the affair and involved in a real relationship with a man who is available to me, I know the difference. This is hard & wonderful & guilt free & exciting & far sweeter than anything I shared with MM. This relationship puts all that garbage in perspective.

For your sake, push yourself away from this selfish needy man. A therapist told me at the beginning of my A that it was based on "need" and would never be healthy or fulfilling. I didn't understand what she meant then. I do now. though you can feel a healthy need for a partner, it's not a selfish need that requires you to lie and sneak around.

Start setting yourself free so you'll be open to true love -- it can happen for you. This married man -- this liar who is betraying his wife and children is not worthy of you. You deserve better. You deserve to love openly & freely.

Be strong & in time (trust me, I know it's hard -- even when I was ready, it still hurt for several months), you'll be so glad you stayed away.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 4:22pm
Pax oh Pax, I totally feel for you. Yesterday I was rereading e-mails between my MM and me, the e-mails which led up to our total NC. They were absolutely heartbreaking because we both loved (and probably still love) each other so very very much. But my MM was totally unwilling to divorce his wife, and he has no kids.

Change is difficult for all of us. Think about something in your life with which you have enormous difficulty. We all have these hotspots I think, problems we're aware of but find really difficult to change, so we just live with things we don't like about ourselves because it's easier to do that than change. Change is scary.

I believe that if you hang in there with him that he will never change. Why should he? If he's too scared to leave his family, and you allow him not to do it, by being there for him, he never will. You may argue that by staying with him you will prove to him that you really love you and that he can count on you, and that may be true to some extent. But by standing by him you also prove to him that you're willing to settle for second best, and I have to believe that's always a bad precedent to set.

You deserve to have a man who is as available to you as you are to him. I truly believe that. Unfortunately, we don't always get what we deserve. After 16 months of pain, constant tears and heart-ripping, bone crushing agony I came to the conclusion that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to be with a man who needed two women. I'm not saying this is the only right decision you can make. I am saying that I feel a lot better now than I did when I was involved with the married man. I still love him, and I probably will always love him. But I have my self-respect back now, and that's priceless.

So while I empathize with your situation, I can feel you wanting to stay, and from the looks of it you probably will stay with him, I do think you would be better off telling him that the situation is just unacceptable for you. What are you afraid will happen if you leave him and enforce NC? What will happen?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 7:41pm
This roller coaster ride is killing me. The highs and lows. Many more lows recently though. MM and I have talked quite a bit this week. He says most days all he wants is to be with me, and other times he just wants his regular life back no matter how bad it is. His wife does not have a clue he feels this way. He is back to calling me in the evening, but not as much as before. He says she is really watching him. He thinks she is fooling herself into thinking everything will be ok. I told him of course she is, you are letting her think that. I told him he needs to do something, not continue to fence sit. He says he knows this but it is much easeir said then done. I know this. He says he is still trying to figure all this out, but he wants to spend time with me, but he feels I am growing tired of all of this.

I told him that I love him, but this is killing me. Something has to happen here, we (I) cant do this forever. I asked him though, how can you try and make your marriage work, if I am all you think about. He is pretending everything is ok at home.

He also wants to go away for a few days this month. I want to go so bad, I just dont want to say no. I am going to talk with him, and try and find the strengh somewhere to tell him that although I love him, and I want us to have a life together. I cannot continue this while he is figuring all this out. In the long run, he decides he cant leave becasue of his children, then I am hurt even more then now, if that is even possible. I hope I can do it.

He just called me. Before we hung up, he said maybe tomorrow I will call with a surprise. Maybe we can meet for lunch. Does this sound like a man that is working on his marriage. I truly believe he loves me, but he is afraid to leave his children, give everything up and start over, not to mention the dissappointment he will face from his family.

Oh my rambling. Sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 10:34pm
I was in an affair with a married guy for a year. I know what's happening-I understand. It was the most self-hating thing I have ever done to myself. Affairs are very addictive. To be honest, he gets everything. He gets the love of 2 woman and to still be with his kids. Why would he want to stop the affair? BELIEVE me when I tell you-when this is over-and it will end-you will be more relived than ever. You will also be sickened that you could "love" a guy who would do this to his wife.

W/B if you want to talk.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 10:54pm
self-hating is a good way to describe what we do to ourselves by being involved with an MM. Addiction is also an appropriate word to use.

I guess we all want to cry out when we see someone standing in front of a train. I stood in front of that train -- it will wreck your life. Save yourself now!!

We aren't a bunch of losers here who didn't love as deeply as you or have as wonderful a guy as you or feel as strongly as you do. When you read these posts, don't you see yourself over and over?

I did -- it was shocking to me how similar some of our stories are. This site saved me -- reading the posts here and even on My Affair Support board woke me up to what I had become. I wasted three years of my life on this affair.

Please step off the RR tracks! don't waste another day, much less years on this dead-end relationship. Even if by some miracle, you are destined to be with this man, it WILL happen -- when he leaves his marriage and comes to you openly & honestly & says, I'm available and I love you and want to spend my life with you or at least spend enough time to figure out if that's what we both want.

Trust yourself, respect yourself enough to walk away and see if he's man enough to follow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 3:00pm
...AND...I bet if he does end the marriage and says he loves you, that it won't work out for yu two anyway. Why would any smart woman want to be with a man with such poor character? Someone who has no decency or respect for himself or the person he vowed to love honor and cherish? Think about the type of man he is and imagine what doubts you would always have about him. Can you respect someone like him? No.

On another note, I am so sorry for your pain and this deception.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 12:39am
I am in this exact same situation right this very moment. This is the first time I have looked at this board. I have been in the My Affair Support board for a few weeks now, mostly because I was thinking that my A was continuing. Now MM tells me that he wants me, but that he also does not want to choose between me and his children, and needs to evaluate if things are really that bad or just seem that way. We had finally seen each other alone for the first time in 3 weeks and he was unable to even kiss me passionately, says he's still evaluating, and that would complicate things. I was so hurt, because when we talk online, we talk about it (my H discovered the A), but, we also talk about how much we miss each other. I feel like I am being put on hold.

I am going nuts trying to figure out whether I am being a fool or what? I really have no idea where I need to go from here, do I force myself into NC again, and stick to it this time, and see what happens. Problem is, my kids are friends with his, and we live near each other, and as long as W doesn't know, I am still her friend. I was over there the other night, and that was the other thing that hurt, seeing them as if nothing has changed at all. I tell him I may need to tell her because the guilt is wearing away at me, he says 'don't, she'll think you are trying to take me away from her'. Is this for real or just to prevent me from telling her? He has alwas been honest with me, I have always found this to be true in hindsight of my insecurities. I even resent him for not hurting as much as me, is that wrong?

I really do not want to lose him, I love him, and I know he loves me. We had been talking about this for a while before H found out, and what was going to happen when something as such happened. Now that he is faced with it, he cannot make a decision as to what he wants, and I am left waiting for him. Part of me wants to try NC again, but I am terrified of what I will find out. That he is fine without me, and then my feelings will be crushed. Why I would want a man who is cheating on his W, and why he would want a woman who is cheating on her H, I haven't a clue. All I know is, he is my closest friend, my lover, and everything in between, and that I do not want to live without him. I have never found this in anyone else, including my H. I feel so pathetic!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 7:42am
Fair Lady - your answers are all in your own post. Why would you want to be with a man you KNOW is a liar, a cheater & a sneak? You don't want to be this person -- think about YOUR kids -- they will know what happened, if not now, some day if you take up with this man. What a mess you'll create if you don't get away.

Have you tried marital counseling with your H? If you think the marriage is not salvageable, make your peace with your own marriage first. Take care of your children's needs first.

Then, when the dust settles (and the dust of ending your marriage is nothing like the rubble and destruction of ending it in the midst of the affair, his ending his marriage, and you 2 trying to find a way to be together), you can figure out what's next -- maybe you focus on your children, maybe you find an available man to love -- this MM is NOT your soul mate. He's an addiction & an escape. Love doesn't feel this crappy. Love strengthens & renews us & makes us whole, makes us better.

I really want to encourage you to consider counseling and sort this mess out in your head and heart before you make ANY decisions.

And it would just be cruel to tell your MM's W -- alleviating your guilt and the cost of possibly wrecking her life and hurting her terribly. You know that's not right.

Please get help for yourself. You sound like a good person who's in a lot of pain and needs to sort out your life.

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 12:08am
FNM,

My MM told me to read your posting. I was surprised he found it, as it was pretty buried in this discussion. I wonder if it was a clue to me that he thought you were right in your thinking. But, what I want to know is this: if I repair my M, which has many problems on it's own, he will stay in his, and W will never know. In one way that is good because she will not hate me, and I will just have to deal with the guilt all on my own. In another way it is bad, because I will always be hurt seeing them go on as if nothing ever happened, and I cannot see myself never caring for him. He may not be my soulmate as you say, but he is my closest friend. AND, I know we cannot remain friends if my M is to work. I am giving MC a try and am doing this for my children's sake.

This is so unbelievably difficult, as the one I seek the most support from is MM, because he is such a good friend. I know he should not be a support, but I have always been able to be completely honest and open with him, hence how the A got emotional, instead of just physical. I will continue to try my best to accept things as they have become since H discovered the A. I will continue to be open and honest in MC and in my own therapy as well. Right now, I am way too emotional to think straight on anything, but I am trying. Unfortunately NC makes me a miserable, crying, rotten B****, and difficult to live with.

I will keep you posted as to my progress, and thank you for your message.

MFL8
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 11:09pm
Many blessing to you! You are making a personal sacrifice for your children, his children -- not for your MM's W. I think it's interesting that your MM pointed out my post too. I think he's struggling with all the same issues you are -- in terms of being an honorable, ethical & loving person.

You are in such a hard place -- unhappy in your marriage and finding some hint of what could be in your intimate friendship with your married friend.

My "preaching" comes from having had a three year affair with my best male friend of about 3 years(married) -- only I was single, divorced a year. I ended it 10 mos. ago & never looked back.

Though there were times I wanted nothing more than to get to spend my life with my MM, we both knew it was impossible. Our kids knew each other too -- both of my kids (& one of his) are old enough to figure out what's what & they would have been VERY disappointed in me & hurt. I've raised my kids to be honorable people. I'm ashamed I didn't live up to the standards I taught them but I'm so glad I finally got on the right track.

We live in a large city & I haven't seen MM since I ended it (we no longer attend the same private school).

I hope you can either find a way to be happy with your H or find your own life first and then figure out if you want a man in it later and then find that man. They are out there & they definitely aren't all married.

I don't know what your solution will be but it sounds like you are definitely on the right track. Therapy will help and so will your determination and good heart. My heart & prayers are with you!! Good luck to you.

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