Shouldnt I feel AWFUL???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Shouldnt I feel AWFUL???
8
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 11:58pm
Well... I took the first step towards totally ending it with the OMM.

I have been on a seesaw - wanting it over - and then thinking I could live with the A...maybe just make him wear a condom. I was SOOO afraid to lose the "bestfriend" I thought he was... after all -didnt he say I was his dearest friend???

Then I caught him in so many lies in a 24 hour period. And when he called --he said how much he loved me and missed me and would I just have some phone sex with him so he could get off??? SAY WHAT??? Reality didnt hit home -it crashed through the roof and landed on the dinner table!!!

*I* am nothing in this man's life other than a sexual release - and apparently not a good enough one - he needs all these other women...I question my looks... am I too old, too short, too chubby???? But wait - - it doesnt matter!!

So, I took the first step and sent him a letter with my intent to dissolve our business, and I will call the lawyer tomorrow and schedule an appointment. I also sent him an email asking him to find somewhere else to stay while he was in town for this next week, as "there was no room at the Inn" so to speak. I gave some lame excuse to my H about why I did what I did.. and it seems OK right now.

BUT - I dont feel like crying, or sobbing. I am not really angry - I am just numb. I am waiting for the hysteria to kick in about 3 AM...but I am hoping that in my heart I know it is the best for me - he was absolutely NO GOOD to me or for me. NONE. PERIOD.

So, if the next post is me being hysterical...just know it must be about 3 AM

F4L

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:19am

CONGRATULATIONS on your independence and acknowledgement to yourself that YOU COUNT!!!!!


Your self-esteem is worth more than ANY amount of money you ever made with xMM.


cl-nre


P.S. I think the next stage for you after "numb" is LIFE, not hysteria. You've endured enough BS with xMM already......................

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:40am
I should still be up if you really need a shoulder to lean on. Good luck and keep up your strength. It's not going to be easy. But the first of year is a really good time for starting something new, or ending our old bad patterns.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:51am
F4L.....good for you, girl!!....just from reading your post, i can actually hear and feel you taking control of your life.....and it's wonderful to hear.....

try not to think about 3 am and beyond.....you need to take things one step, one day at a time, and remember how you feel right now, in this moment......and remember, also, that you are not alone......hang in there......HUGS.....ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 7:51am
Hi F4L. Hats off to you. I have read your posts and thought what a difficult position to be in. It has taken courage to take this step. In MHO it was the correct thing to do. We all have to reach that point in the road ourselves. Take it one piece at a time. Hang in there.

Luv.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:19am
f4l,

Congratulations on taking such a HUGE step!! I'm sure I speak for many others on the board when I say I am very proud of you!! It is well past the 3 AM mark and I am hoping you are still happy with the great decision you've made and that all is well with you!!

YOU GO GIRL!!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:07pm
Well its about freaking time Fool that reality smacked you in the head. Ive been waiting for you to wake up and smell the java girl.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:30pm
Woo-hoo!!!! I just love to see these kinds of posts! Congratulations on beginning your journey to freedom - it will all be worth it, I promise!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 2:38pm
Thanks Luv, It has really bolstered my resolve to see this through reading all the posts. I know it didnt think I could do it - and sometimes I catch myself saying " I dont think I can.." but so far so good- of course I haven't had to see him since Dec 10...lol...and he is due back in town on Monday :(

I am thinking about taking all of his furniture and personal and office stuff and getting a storage unit in his name, paying the first month of rent on it and leaving a note on the door with the key. Might make it easier than seeing him .. of course, my H is acting very curious about all my rantings about wanting my business partner "out of the house"...

F4L