Where does the strength come from?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Where does the strength come from?
7
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:45am
I need to get off the fence. One of my options is to stay in my marriage and really try to be happy for my son's sake. He's only 3. My H is a great dad but a lousy husband and a lousy step-dad to my 13 year old daughter. He's not abusive at all but he just showers the little guy with love and attention and me and my daughter are left to fend for ourselves. Anyway that is what I know I should do. Be a good person and stay. Here's the major problem, I'M IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER MAN!

MM and I have no future plans. But how do I end it? He's my best friend. I have talked to him more in 6 months than I have ever talked to my h in 6 years. I feel like I don't have the strenght to stay away. I feel I will literally die inside without him. Seeing him will kill me. How do you walk away? I tried NC one time and when I got up and there wasn't a message on my VM I cried all the way to work. I actually get panic attacks just thinking about ending it. My life will be so lonely. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:03pm
Sometimes it comes from pain (rejection, the secret life, lies, abandonment), sometimes it comes from love (for your children, yourself, your husband or family), sometimes it comes without you having a choice (heaven forbid)... It seems like choosing it is preferable, and dare I say easier, because you have a "little" more control.

Quiting these things seems to be a thing that happens in stages. Just starting to "think" about ending it is Stage 1, I think. You'll get use to the idea of it (the panic attacks will subside) and then you move on at your own pace. Think of it in terms of baby steps, really. I won't pretend it will be easy, but it can happen, many of us have been where you are now. Best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:31pm
The strength comes from within.... when you have decided once and for all that you don't want to live this way. Let the mm go and focus on YOU and what you want/need either married or divorced. Then act on that.

Very easy words to say. I am also in love with my xmm (I am single), but he made no moves to divorce and I could not live this way any longer.

Once you start nc and stick with it, it should become easier. I am still in limited contact with xmm, but he contacts me. I initiate no contact with him and have asked that he stop all contact until he is divorced. He lays a pretty heavy guilt trip on me, but I cannot control that. I can control my life and mine alone. I am a firm believer in time healing all wounds. They will never completely go away, but we will live with them better as time goes on.

Time to focus on you and your life.

Good luck....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 3:00pm
But what about if you work with him everyday? I am also struggling with feeling like he needs our relationship and he is so depressed right now and will stay that way.. I guess it's a kind of guilt for abandoning someone I love which I promised I'd never do......
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 3:25pm
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW U FEEL!!! MY BOYFRIEND AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 7 YEARS AND HE IS BASICALLY THE SAME WAY. HE IS A GOOD FATHER AND VERY ATTENTIVE TO HIS CHILDREN BUT MY 11 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FEELS DISTANCE. I STARTED SEEING THIS OTHER MAN ABOUT 8 MONTHS AGO AND SAME SITUATION I'VE SUCH DEEP CONVERSATIONS WITH THIS MAN HE HAS BECOME MY BEST FRIEND ALSO! I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE HIM AND I FEEL THE SAME WAY . MY BOYFRIEND IS VERBALLY ABUSIVE ABOUT THIS OTHER MAN AND I THINK I'D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM- BUT I CHOSE TO TRY AND WORK IT OUT FOR MY CHILDREN. I AM VERY CONFUSED AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ?? IF U READ MY POSTINGS U WILL UNDERSTAND MY WHOLE SITUATION. MAYBE WE CAN OFFER EACH OTHER SUPPORT - I JUST FEEL ALOT OF THE SAME FEELINGS U DO AND MY GIRLFRIENDS DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 8:59pm
secretpal, just tell yourself you'll do NC for the next 24 hours, don't think too far in advance, because that can be terrifying. Then after the first 24 hours, go onto the next 24 hours. That's what baby steps are all about. When you have the urge to contact him, post here instead, or write him an unsent letter. There will be times when you will try to argue with yourself, you will tell yourself to hell with pride and self-dignity, let me just contact him to say hello, to catch up... I'd rather die inside than not to have contact with him... and that's when you have to open that little cupboard in your head which says 'Strong (your name)' and tell yourself a very firm NO! If you can't be strong for your own sake, then be strong for his sake - if you really care for him, he's better off with no contact from you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 10:30pm
I cannot imagine if I had to work with my xmm. Thankfully, I don't and he has moved back to another state to his w.

Again, the strength would have to come from within in order to keep the relationship strictly professional. It would be very difficult, I am sure.

I don't envy anyone in that position.

And for guilt? Mine was the pro at laying on a guilt trip, especially when he knew I had plans with someone else for an evening out. Illness, depression.... he even had a panic attack and checked himself into the hospital and upon his release, got into a car accident (thankfully, minor). I cannot be responsible for his pain right now. We wound up in our situation because he would not get a divorce, plain and simple. Had a divorce happened, we would still be together today. I can and will only focus on me. Sure, that is selfish, but what is it when he puts me on a major guilt trip because he is in an unhappy marriage? It was his decision to move back and stay with his wife, for whatever his reasons. It was not my decision or my choice. I have been seeing someone now and xmm had managed to make my life a living you know what until I said stop. He is still contacting me about once a day, but I initiate no contact and tell him when he calls that he must be divorced before anything could or would ever happen again. After what we have been through, I don't think I could go back to him upon his divorce, which I doubt will happen anyway.

We don't owe them anything until they are free to be with us (and us with them, if that be the case).

Sorry to have rambled.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 12:22am
wow. you could be me. i am where you are, except H knows what is going on. Do i work out my M for the kids sake, 3 ours, 1 mine, and the treatment is the way you describe it.

I am soooooo in love with MM, which is bad also because of his 3 kids. I am a miserable rotten B**** when I do not talk to him, we have had little physical contact, no sex, in a month, and it hurts unbelievably. But we are trying, he is succeeding better than me, for our kids sake, not so much our M's sake, at least that is me, I am still unsure of him. he says he is unhappy, but when I see the two of them together, they don't seem as unhappy as i am with my H. I cry all the time, I shut down, I am way too emotional to be able to be strong. he says he wants to be with me, but can't until he knows what he wants for sure. This sucks so bad. I am new in the "ending affair support", and am searching here now because I am thinking he is trying to end it gently, while i should be ending it for M's sake. I am in MC, and we shall see how it goes. Keep in touch, and I will too. maybe we can help each other thru.