i just don't understand.........
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| Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:04pm |
i miss his friendship terribly, but he was certain that he would be unable to have contact if things weren't going to be the way they were before......i was much more able to handle the thought of keeping the friendship part of our relationship and putting the physical aspect aside.....at least i knew i needed to do that for a while.......i know that being intimate made everything so unbelievably much harder for me afterwards........but i also knew that i wanted the rest of our relationship, and that i needed his friendship.........i never really believed that we'd be able to remain platonic forever, but i needed the relief of knowing that it was okay if we weren't intimate for a period of time, so that i could take a break from being completely emotionally devastated from the fallout each time........
i need him to talk to about certain things, i miss him as someone who was the most supportive person in my life in general, especially when so much is going on in my life, and i miss him as someone who cares about me in a way no one else does........and i'm feeling angry that he can walk away from me and not offer me these things any more just because making love makes me fall apart at the seams, and i asked him to be my friend minus the sex........do i miss making love with him?.......you can't imagine how much.......but i know that i can give it up, at least for a while, because it just causes too much pain.......i also know because we've tried it in the past, and i've been okay with it, but he never was.......i know what i'm talking about is probably an emotional affair, but that's what i needed right now........
and i offered him a tremendous amount of friendship and support, as well, and care deeply about him as a person, regardless of whether or not he is able to be with me full time, and would still like to be able to offer him that friendship, with or without him being able to fulfill all of my needs......
i can't understand why many men don't see the value of friendship in and of itself, the way women do.......i know that i would have worked through whatever issues i had to to remain his friend and continue giving him the love and support i had given him all of these years......for me, it's insane to walk away from that friendship.......and i'm hurt by his ability to do so, or maybe by his inability to continue to be my friend and support because i can't fulfill all of his needs........especially when from the very beginning, the relationship was so painful for me because i always wanted more, wanted him to choose to be with me full time.......and i stayed........i couldn't have what i truly wanted from him, but i gave all of myself completely to him for all the time we were together, even though he couldn't give me what i wanted.........
i guess i just thought that after all of that time together, where he basically had what he wanted from the relationship while knowing i was struggling with the missing pieces, that maybe he would be able to give me the things i needed right now and find a way to struggle with the things the relationship wasn't giving HIM.......but i guess it doesn't work that way..........
i just don't understand.......

Sweetie, I'm sorry to be so vocal - I don't know your whole situation, and I'm probably spouting off about my own experience as much as anything. We give them our hearts on a satin pillow and they stomp on them when it's not to their benefit anymore.....
You sound like a caring, loving, beautiful soul who doesn't deserve to be treated this way. Please try to see him for the shallow, self-indulgent poop that his is, and realize he doesn't deserve your friendship!
Baby steps...........
Best to you.
and i guess i've avoided having to look at him as shallow and undeserving of my continued love and friendship because as soon i truly see him that way, then i feel like i've been fooled, duped, by someone who doesn't know the true meaning of love and friendship the way i really thought he did.......i've fought off the truth for a while, knowing that part of the reason that he hasn't made the choice to leave his marriage to be with me is that he, more than likely, does not have the maturity and the necessary relationship/life skills to be a true partner in a committed monogamous relationship, and to be able to handle the ups and downs of such a relationship while working to keep things alive, although i did want to believe otherwise.....i think i didn't want to admit any of these things about him to myself, because it would mean that everything i thought about him up until that point would have been false, and that's a tough pill to swallow.......
thanks again soo much for your thoughts and response on this post, and others....(no where near harsh, btw...i thrive on open, honest interaction)........ada
I'm sorry, but I don't agree with the previous poster.
I think the reason he doesn't call you or want to keep in touch
is because you asked for NC and he's honoring your wish.
I don't think every guy in an A is a jerk. I think they know
they hurt us by not giving up their marriage and don't want to
continue hurting us. I believe that some men (not all, obviously)
love the OW very much and are afraid of making the wrong decision.
Men, generally, have a harder time with emotions and honest friendships,
but they do love.
Please don't think this man just wanted to use you. I know that he must
love you on some level and is probably having as difficult a time as you
are with NC.
Trust what you had was honest and true, because you were together a
long time and I don't believe you would have an A with someone so callous.
thanks again for your response.......everyone's input is so helpful when you're trying to piece it all together.......ada
I understand how you're feeling. You're right, he could at least remain
your friend. After all, that's how you started this whole A right? At least
that's how my MM and I started out.
Whenever I have tried to end my A we have remained friends. He has called
me and we talked like friends do. However, it NEVER stayed that way for long.
When you do have contact, even over the phone, you both realize what you are
missing and want it back.
Maybe you are better off not having him contact you because then it becomes
very difficult to really let go.
Maybe it's like in the movie When Harry Met Sally. Men and women can't be
just friends after a physical, emotional relationship. Remember how Meg Ryan
and Billy Crystal discuss that at length?
I wish you a good Saturday. :-)
You know, I don't think it's that they're inherently bad, or intentionally uncaring. I can't imagine any of us go into A's with the thought that we're only going to give of ourselves until it becomes uncomfortable. Who wants to think about that? How unglamorous..... We all kind of fall under this kind of heady love-hypnosis. My goodness, didn't those early days feel good??? Few can walk away, after all we don't have those fantastic feelings everyday. Precisely because it "is" all based on a Fantasy - which makes perfect sense about why we "think" the guy (or girl) is so much more able to care and nurture and provide faultless friendship and sooth away our pains. We're able to project whatever we like onto them - and it all looks very real for long periods of time for some relationships - because in most cases our stolen times together are short and full of adrenaline and compliments. But, in the real world, there's conflict, the everyday things that raise their heads and make us all show our little inperfect sides. The one's that we can so easily hide when we only see each other outside the realm of real responsibility, and everday mediocrity. Eventually, these realities catch up to all of our A's.
In most cases, it's not necessary to blame them or ourselves - I don't see the point. We're all just wanting to feel loved, after all. Try to realize his distance is most likely not an intentional act to hurt you, just a natural inclination to avoid excessive pain.
Please take care of yourself, you need extra care to get through this. I know how much it hurts..... Peace -j
i've never been under the impression that he would ever intentionally hurt me.....to the contrary, i know that he truly loves me, and that in itself is a comfort at this point.....i know it would feel so much worse if i thought he didn't love me......i guess we just spend so much time trying to figure everything out when we're trying to deal with ending a relationship......for whatever reason, we human beings just cannot let it go and move on that easily.....we seek and search for so many answers.......and i believe it's all really about trying to figure ourselves out a little bit more, possibly in an attempt to take what we've learned and apply it to the next relationship, as well as to protect ourselves in the future.....it's all about fear - the fear of going through this again......and we struggle to learn and grow from our experiences, all in an effort to avoid hurting again......
and, yes, it's true, that his avoidance of contact with me is most likely his attempt at avoiding unnecessary pain.......i just need to keep reminding myself of that....it's so easy to jump to the wrong conclusions when you're feeling insecure......
i may be deluded, but i actually think we saw each other realistically in many ways and that our relationship wasn't pure fantasy....we spent a lot of time together, and we went through many rough times as well as wonderful times together.....believe me, i saw him in many lights, the negative and the positive......he has his flaws, some very significant ones that made me even wonder if i would have wanted to be with him permanently......there were many times i questioned why i'd stay with him.....in the end, the only thing i could believe, and actually still do believe, was that i actually loved this man, with all of his flaws, with all of the ways that he had hurt me (i've not gone into any of this here, although i also know that he never had any intent to hurt me, but driven by his own uncontrollable narcissistic tendencies).......i went into my therapist so many times and said to her "try to explain to me again how i can completely dislike some important things about his personality, and yet still love him?......is it me?.....do i have some problem?".....but her answer made perfect sense, and i do believe it.......she'd say that loving someone is complex, not simple......we may absolutely hate some things that a person does or ways that they act, and still love the person......for whatever reason, i know that was true, both for me and for him......there were things about each other that we knew and didn't like......but there was always this deep love for each other that never falutered......it's a mystery to me, love, that is......
i don't know what i would have done without you and all of you here on the board these past few weeks.......thanks again, and have a wonderful day........ada