i just don't understand.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
i just don't understand.........
7
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:04pm
i have to say that after 18 days of NC, which really started 7 weeks ago, but we had a couple of slips, this is becoming an ever-increasing nightmare......it seems to be getting harder instead of easier.......

i miss his friendship terribly, but he was certain that he would be unable to have contact if things weren't going to be the way they were before......i was much more able to handle the thought of keeping the friendship part of our relationship and putting the physical aspect aside.....at least i knew i needed to do that for a while.......i know that being intimate made everything so unbelievably much harder for me afterwards........but i also knew that i wanted the rest of our relationship, and that i needed his friendship.........i never really believed that we'd be able to remain platonic forever, but i needed the relief of knowing that it was okay if we weren't intimate for a period of time, so that i could take a break from being completely emotionally devastated from the fallout each time........

i need him to talk to about certain things, i miss him as someone who was the most supportive person in my life in general, especially when so much is going on in my life, and i miss him as someone who cares about me in a way no one else does........and i'm feeling angry that he can walk away from me and not offer me these things any more just because making love makes me fall apart at the seams, and i asked him to be my friend minus the sex........do i miss making love with him?.......you can't imagine how much.......but i know that i can give it up, at least for a while, because it just causes too much pain.......i also know because we've tried it in the past, and i've been okay with it, but he never was.......i know what i'm talking about is probably an emotional affair, but that's what i needed right now........

and i offered him a tremendous amount of friendship and support, as well, and care deeply about him as a person, regardless of whether or not he is able to be with me full time, and would still like to be able to offer him that friendship, with or without him being able to fulfill all of my needs......

i can't understand why many men don't see the value of friendship in and of itself, the way women do.......i know that i would have worked through whatever issues i had to to remain his friend and continue giving him the love and support i had given him all of these years......for me, it's insane to walk away from that friendship.......and i'm hurt by his ability to do so, or maybe by his inability to continue to be my friend and support because i can't fulfill all of his needs........especially when from the very beginning, the relationship was so painful for me because i always wanted more, wanted him to choose to be with me full time.......and i stayed........i couldn't have what i truly wanted from him, but i gave all of myself completely to him for all the time we were together, even though he couldn't give me what i wanted.........

i guess i just thought that after all of that time together, where he basically had what he wanted from the relationship while knowing i was struggling with the missing pieces, that maybe he would be able to give me the things i needed right now and find a way to struggle with the things the relationship wasn't giving HIM.......but i guess it doesn't work that way..........


i just don't understand.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:23pm
Aaaa - guys are so typical. If they can't have things laid out where it's comfortable and easy for them, they don't want to play anymore. The h**l with the fact that you've bent over backwards for them. I'm sorry to sound rough, but honey - is that "really" the way a friend treats a friend. It sounds like he was just giving you what you wanted, so he could get what he wanted - it's so hard to accept that they do this to us. And believe me, I lived through h**l trying to make myself believe that he wasn't 100% sincere - actually, let me back up - they "are" sincere at the time - I still believe that, but the brains in those "little heads" have very short circuits.

Sweetie, I'm sorry to be so vocal - I don't know your whole situation, and I'm probably spouting off about my own experience as much as anything. We give them our hearts on a satin pillow and they stomp on them when it's not to their benefit anymore.....

You sound like a caring, loving, beautiful soul who doesn't deserve to be treated this way. Please try to see him for the shallow, self-indulgent poop that his is, and realize he doesn't deserve your friendship!

Baby steps...........

Best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:06pm
THANKS, jesmoii.....you have no idea how much your response helped me, and how much it hit the nail on the head in so many different ways......you're right.....that isn't the way a friend treats a friend......and i know that, and the reason i know it is because i know what it feels like to BE a friend.......

and i guess i've avoided having to look at him as shallow and undeserving of my continued love and friendship because as soon i truly see him that way, then i feel like i've been fooled, duped, by someone who doesn't know the true meaning of love and friendship the way i really thought he did.......i've fought off the truth for a while, knowing that part of the reason that he hasn't made the choice to leave his marriage to be with me is that he, more than likely, does not have the maturity and the necessary relationship/life skills to be a true partner in a committed monogamous relationship, and to be able to handle the ups and downs of such a relationship while working to keep things alive, although i did want to believe otherwise.....i think i didn't want to admit any of these things about him to myself, because it would mean that everything i thought about him up until that point would have been false, and that's a tough pill to swallow.......

thanks again soo much for your thoughts and response on this post, and others....(no where near harsh, btw...i thrive on open, honest interaction)........ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:22pm
Hi ada,

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with the previous poster.

I think the reason he doesn't call you or want to keep in touch

is because you asked for NC and he's honoring your wish.

I don't think every guy in an A is a jerk. I think they know

they hurt us by not giving up their marriage and don't want to

continue hurting us. I believe that some men (not all, obviously)

love the OW very much and are afraid of making the wrong decision.

Men, generally, have a harder time with emotions and honest friendships,

but they do love.

Please don't think this man just wanted to use you. I know that he must

love you on some level and is probably having as difficult a time as you

are with NC.

Trust what you had was honest and true, because you were together a

long time and I don't believe you would have an A with someone so callous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 12:59am
thank so much for your thoughts, maria.......just to be clearer on how i'm feeling and what i'm believing at this point, without a doubt i know he loves me, and i know he suffered and probably is still suffering terribly because we're not together......and i don't feel he ever intended to use and hurt me.....not at all......but the truth was that i was the one who has asked for us to remain friends and not have complete NC many many times over the course of the last year and a half......that is what i've been feeling bad about....i guess i feel he's taken everything away because i can't offer him everything he wants in the relationship for now.....that's really what my post was about......i know that it would have been difficult for him to deal with giving up the physical aspect of our relationship and maintaining the emotional aspect of it, but i felt that after such a long time of me struggling with him not being able to give me everything i needed in the relationship and him not being there for me in many ways while i remained completely committed to him in every way, i thought maybe he'd be willing to accept less than he needed for a little while and still be with me, as i had done for such a long time.......i feel i put him first in every way in my life for a long time, making every concession with regard to the ways in which i could not have things my way in the relationship, and understanding all of his limitations and allowing for them, but when i asked for this from him, to remain my friend without the intimacy for now, he said no......that's what hurt.......unfortunately, there's a self-centeredness to that decision that has to make me take another look at what i really meant to him.....

thanks again for your response.......everyone's input is so helpful when you're trying to piece it all together.......ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 11:42am
I'm sorry, I don't think I was thinking too clearly yesterday.

I understand how you're feeling. You're right, he could at least remain

your friend. After all, that's how you started this whole A right? At least

that's how my MM and I started out.

Whenever I have tried to end my A we have remained friends. He has called

me and we talked like friends do. However, it NEVER stayed that way for long.

When you do have contact, even over the phone, you both realize what you are

missing and want it back.

Maybe you are better off not having him contact you because then it becomes

very difficult to really let go.

Maybe it's like in the movie When Harry Met Sally. Men and women can't be

just friends after a physical, emotional relationship. Remember how Meg Ryan

and Billy Crystal discuss that at length?

I wish you a good Saturday. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 1:11pm
Oh, Ada.... it's almost like I could have been the one writing your words at one time in my life - in fact, I think I may have.... ha-ha.

You know, I don't think it's that they're inherently bad, or intentionally uncaring. I can't imagine any of us go into A's with the thought that we're only going to give of ourselves until it becomes uncomfortable. Who wants to think about that? How unglamorous..... We all kind of fall under this kind of heady love-hypnosis. My goodness, didn't those early days feel good??? Few can walk away, after all we don't have those fantastic feelings everyday. Precisely because it "is" all based on a Fantasy - which makes perfect sense about why we "think" the guy (or girl) is so much more able to care and nurture and provide faultless friendship and sooth away our pains. We're able to project whatever we like onto them - and it all looks very real for long periods of time for some relationships - because in most cases our stolen times together are short and full of adrenaline and compliments. But, in the real world, there's conflict, the everyday things that raise their heads and make us all show our little inperfect sides. The one's that we can so easily hide when we only see each other outside the realm of real responsibility, and everday mediocrity. Eventually, these realities catch up to all of our A's.

In most cases, it's not necessary to blame them or ourselves - I don't see the point. We're all just wanting to feel loved, after all. Try to realize his distance is most likely not an intentional act to hurt you, just a natural inclination to avoid excessive pain.

Please take care of yourself, you need extra care to get through this. I know how much it hurts..... Peace -j

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 1:50pm
J...your wisdom is endless!.....thanks......

i've never been under the impression that he would ever intentionally hurt me.....to the contrary, i know that he truly loves me, and that in itself is a comfort at this point.....i know it would feel so much worse if i thought he didn't love me......i guess we just spend so much time trying to figure everything out when we're trying to deal with ending a relationship......for whatever reason, we human beings just cannot let it go and move on that easily.....we seek and search for so many answers.......and i believe it's all really about trying to figure ourselves out a little bit more, possibly in an attempt to take what we've learned and apply it to the next relationship, as well as to protect ourselves in the future.....it's all about fear - the fear of going through this again......and we struggle to learn and grow from our experiences, all in an effort to avoid hurting again......

and, yes, it's true, that his avoidance of contact with me is most likely his attempt at avoiding unnecessary pain.......i just need to keep reminding myself of that....it's so easy to jump to the wrong conclusions when you're feeling insecure......

i may be deluded, but i actually think we saw each other realistically in many ways and that our relationship wasn't pure fantasy....we spent a lot of time together, and we went through many rough times as well as wonderful times together.....believe me, i saw him in many lights, the negative and the positive......he has his flaws, some very significant ones that made me even wonder if i would have wanted to be with him permanently......there were many times i questioned why i'd stay with him.....in the end, the only thing i could believe, and actually still do believe, was that i actually loved this man, with all of his flaws, with all of the ways that he had hurt me (i've not gone into any of this here, although i also know that he never had any intent to hurt me, but driven by his own uncontrollable narcissistic tendencies).......i went into my therapist so many times and said to her "try to explain to me again how i can completely dislike some important things about his personality, and yet still love him?......is it me?.....do i have some problem?".....but her answer made perfect sense, and i do believe it.......she'd say that loving someone is complex, not simple......we may absolutely hate some things that a person does or ways that they act, and still love the person......for whatever reason, i know that was true, both for me and for him......there were things about each other that we knew and didn't like......but there was always this deep love for each other that never falutered......it's a mystery to me, love, that is......

i don't know what i would have done without you and all of you here on the board these past few weeks.......thanks again, and have a wonderful day........ada