What was the final 'straw'?
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What was the final 'straw'?
| Fri, 01-02-2004 - 3:54pm |
What was it that finally made you decide it was time to end things? I read a lot of posts and it seems like a lot of people made very smart decisions to end things and a lot of the guys sounded like not very nice people, users, etc. What if you truly feel like you have a 'good one' that is in a difficult position and does truly have a deep true bond with you? I just get so fed up with with the boundaries. (had surgery to remove a cancerous lesion this morning and all I get is a phone call)I then got upset and told him not to call back and to leave me alone. So, of course now I feel guilty that I hurt his feelings b/c he tells me when I do things like that that it tears him down and makes him feel awful. I feel like since he is a good person and does try that it would be unfair to abandon him.......
Just looking for someone to tell me if this sounds familiar and I would love any advice.

Iknowitstime
(and so do you)
So, there was not one single event that caused the final breakup. Christmas day for me was ruined by him going on one of his tirades and that is when I finally said and I quote, "Don't contact me again until you are divorced". He has still been getting through to me, but the frequency is way down and I think he will stop soon. He is still not working and still has not filed for divorce. His wife, however, has spoken to an attorney. She knows that he had someone here but does not know the extent (I don't think anyway). He sabatoged my plans to go out, when he knew I was going out. He would get sick or become very depressed and then lash out at me, because I was not "there for him". He went so far as to ask if he died, would I attend his funeral. Sure and sit right there next to his wife.
Oh lordy, what a mess I made of my life. I am now struggling to put the pieces back together and I do have a wonderful man in my life who is available for me full-time. He knows I have been troubled, but does not know the extent of what was going on in my life. He has been patient and understanding and I often ask myself if I even deserve someone that good. And you know what, I do! I deserve a man who can be there for me as much as I can be there for him. I will never settle to be someone seconds again. EVER.
I hope my long story helps you somewhat. Wow, I cannot believe all that garbage happened to me.....
I know that posting here and reading made me realize that I was not alone in this struggle. There are so many of us who get involved in these relationships for so many different reasons. I only hope that I come out of this a stronger person.
This board has been a lifesaver for me.
Also, I hope the cancer will now be in check. I am a 14 year cancer survivor myself... Good luck to you there!!
Reading your post made me think of two other things that make me glad I've ended it.
Iknowitstime
(and so do you)
I know what you mean about intuition. Kind of like hindsight.... although following our intuition could have prevented the heartbreak suffered at the end.
I didn't want a final straw - I didn't want any freaking straws at all.... and fought tooth and nail to rationalize each and every red flag so that I could continue to believe that he loved me and was nice and was doing everything he could to keep everyone as happy and well cared for as possible - after all, he was caught in the middle, right? Poor baby, this must be so hard on him - what can I do to help????? (Oops, sorry - believe it or not, a part of me still loves him deeply, the big butthead.)
I knew this man for over 20 years, most of those years were outside of anything but friendship between us - so, I REALLY thought I knew him - and bent over backwards to give him every benefit of the doubt. But, with our close intimate understand of each other came the knowledge of my soft spots - his ability to help me always rationalize his behavior away. We were a good team at it - I was a very willing participant.
Unfortunately, it's the nature of the beast - A's don't work, at least not without sacrifices. Sacrifices that end up causing deep scars that can take years to fully heal - especially when we have to keep ripping off the scabs to "see" if they're healed, yet.
Anyway, I guess the final straw came in the form of a big 2x4 smacked squarely across my thick skull. I wish I'd headed those little straws that came earlier.......
That's probably way more information than you wanted, but I guess I'm doing a little venting these days. I've experienced some temptation since he showed up out of the blue the other day, and I'm just trying to help myself be strong. It's good to be honest about what I went through. Thanks for letting me. -j
It was like our relationship was shrinking instead of growing. By the third year, I just wanted out. He had his reasons, good ones, for staying married -- but nothing can make a relationship based in dishonesty and hiding good. And, as he became more comfortable with having his cake & eating it too, I felt more resentment toward him. I think I suppressed those feelings until I just didn't have anything left for him.
It was still hard to leave -- it took 6 mos. of weaning myself -- spending more time with my friends, working harder at my job, just pulling away (reading and learning lots here). I always put my children first but everything else did suffer over time. I started dating a little.
One thing that helped "save" me was meeting a really special single guy who hung in there with me when I ended it with MM (my BF knows all about MM -- from the beginning) until it was completely over in my heart. Now I have my life back & a wonderful relationship that grows every day & enhances my life & me, instead of making me suffer & cry & feel guilty all the time. MM and I had good times but the bad feelings were too much a part of it.
I needed others to help me make it stick -- friends, family, my BF. I couldn't seem to do it for myself even though once I ended it, I never once looked back. I also went into therapy a few mos. after ending the affair & that helped more than anything.
I guess for me the final straw has alot more to do with myself than OM. I think when I got to the point where I was doing unhealthy things that I DEFINITELY wasn't proud of I knew it had to stop. Nothing shocking, but just little things like being so upset that I couldn't sleep at night or peering out the window at his house over and over and feeling completely desperate when he didn't email me. All of that tells me this is not the right relationship for me.
Ofcourse there is more than that...adultry is wrong, and at times he treated me terribly, he's totally selfish, etc., etc....but those kinds of things I seemed to explain away somehow. I could justify the wildest things, but to see my self respect chip away was too much. I'm a mother and my family depends on me. They need me. I can't sacrifce their happiness (and my own for that matter) for what pretty much amounts to an addiction.
This is not to say that I didn't love and care for him. I did, but it was more a fantasy him - who I wanted him to be. The man I wanted to 'rescue' me from every little trouble in my life. The big joke is now he's the biggest problem I have. Anyway, I'm rambling and it probably makes little sense, but again going back to the original question - What was the last straw? The last straw was when I felt I was losing me - at least the best part of me!