What was the final 'straw'?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
What was the final 'straw'?
7
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 3:54pm
What was it that finally made you decide it was time to end things? I read a lot of posts and it seems like a lot of people made very smart decisions to end things and a lot of the guys sounded like not very nice people, users, etc. What if you truly feel like you have a 'good one' that is in a difficult position and does truly have a deep true bond with you? I just get so fed up with with the boundaries. (had surgery to remove a cancerous lesion this morning and all I get is a phone call)I then got upset and told him not to call back and to leave me alone. So, of course now I feel guilty that I hurt his feelings b/c he tells me when I do things like that that it tears him down and makes him feel awful. I feel like since he is a good person and does try that it would be unfair to abandon him.......

Just looking for someone to tell me if this sounds familiar and I would love any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:20pm
My final straw took a long time to sink in.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:03pm
I agree wholeheartedly with the first response. I got tired of hearing how much he loved me, how much he wanted to be with me, how he saw us growing old together, how he could not stand to be without me. Did he even consult an attorney? Nope. Always had an excuse. Did he ever ask his wife for a divorce? Yes, and it crushed her. So, that was not a good time. There was always a reason why a divorce could not happen "right now". Be patient, I was told. Not a good time for her..... I thought my mm was a decent man, never cheated before either, but our relationship started out as a lie. He told me he was separated when we met, which in reality, he was. His job was here near me and his wife was 400 miles away. He told me they were going through a divorce and his intention was to stay here. After a few weeks of weekends back at the other house, I asked him if this was actually a long-distance marriage and he said yes. God, I should have run then, but then the whole story came out... how it was a marriage of convenience now, finances only, they were better friends than husband and wife, a divorce was going to happen. I started backing away way back then (almost two years ago) and started seeing someone else. My life turned into a living hell at that point, even though I refused to stop seeing mm. I fell in love with him, head over heels. Our relationship was so full of highs and lows. He took an anniversary trip with his wife over a year ago, a trip that had been planned for months, but he "forgot" about until the morning he left, when I got an email! I still hung on to him. Even let the single man that I started seeing go for a while. After a few months, I knew I had to do something to start breaking off with mm, so I started seeing single one again. That only made mm try harder to stay in my life. He ended up being laid off in April and lost his apartment here in July and moved back with his wife 400 miles away and it has still been hell. I fought the guilt of what I was doing to his wife by my actions. MM never painted her as a nasty person, just not the one he should have married to begin with. They never had children either. So, that was not an excuse. We have gone through so much including stalking type behavior on mm's part, before he moved back. I have many hangup phone calls here at home, on my cell and at work. Believe me, this is only the tip of the iceberg. I think I could a write a book on what has transpired between us. I wish I knew what flaw I had in my personality that made me so needy as to hang on so desperately to someone who was not mine to have. When he lived here, he met my family, my friends, my co-workers. I never met anyone from his life. He said he was looking for an apartment there and wanted me to come and visit him. I asked if I could meet his family or friends and he said, no.... Well, of course not, because I am his secret. He was part of my day-to-day life here. He could call me at any time day or night, but did I have the same option? Nope. He says I can call when his wife is at work. Yeah, ok... sure. He kept his phone number here as a voice mail number in order for me to "hear his voice" whenever I needed to and to leave messages that he could get..... at his convenience. Then he would get upset because I felt cheapened by having to contact him that way.

So, there was not one single event that caused the final breakup. Christmas day for me was ruined by him going on one of his tirades and that is when I finally said and I quote, "Don't contact me again until you are divorced". He has still been getting through to me, but the frequency is way down and I think he will stop soon. He is still not working and still has not filed for divorce. His wife, however, has spoken to an attorney. She knows that he had someone here but does not know the extent (I don't think anyway). He sabatoged my plans to go out, when he knew I was going out. He would get sick or become very depressed and then lash out at me, because I was not "there for him". He went so far as to ask if he died, would I attend his funeral. Sure and sit right there next to his wife.

Oh lordy, what a mess I made of my life. I am now struggling to put the pieces back together and I do have a wonderful man in my life who is available for me full-time. He knows I have been troubled, but does not know the extent of what was going on in my life. He has been patient and understanding and I often ask myself if I even deserve someone that good. And you know what, I do! I deserve a man who can be there for me as much as I can be there for him. I will never settle to be someone seconds again. EVER.

I hope my long story helps you somewhat. Wow, I cannot believe all that garbage happened to me.....

I know that posting here and reading made me realize that I was not alone in this struggle. There are so many of us who get involved in these relationships for so many different reasons. I only hope that I come out of this a stronger person.

This board has been a lifesaver for me.

Also, I hope the cancer will now be in check. I am a 14 year cancer survivor myself... Good luck to you there!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:16pm

Reading your post made me think of two other things that make me glad I've ended it.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:24pm
I also met mine online. Then to find out he only lived 7 miles from me. We spent literally hours talking before I agreed to meet him in person. Not once, in those conversations, did he ever mention he was married. It was not until we met in person that I discovered he was "separated". I thought it would be ok, since he did say a divorce was in the works. After all, I had gone through a divorce and my attorney had said that once papers were signed and filed, my xh and I were free to do what we wanted with who we wanted. What a fool I was. I was divorced for two years before I met mm. Divorced from a verbally abusive man, to boot. You really think I would have known better....

I know what you mean about intuition. Kind of like hindsight.... although following our intuition could have prevented the heartbreak suffered at the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 12:13pm
The final straw?? Good question. The absolute, complete final straw was - - o.k., don't fall over laughing. The day he got remarried to someone else. My story is so long and drawn out. I loved this wonderful man who was so nice and sweet and misunderstood at home by his wife of 14 years. He was caring to me and attentive and always remembered my special occassions and I let him slide on things like being there for birthdays, holidays, and surgeries, because "I would never want him to neglect his family because of me."

I didn't want a final straw - I didn't want any freaking straws at all.... and fought tooth and nail to rationalize each and every red flag so that I could continue to believe that he loved me and was nice and was doing everything he could to keep everyone as happy and well cared for as possible - after all, he was caught in the middle, right? Poor baby, this must be so hard on him - what can I do to help????? (Oops, sorry - believe it or not, a part of me still loves him deeply, the big butthead.)

I knew this man for over 20 years, most of those years were outside of anything but friendship between us - so, I REALLY thought I knew him - and bent over backwards to give him every benefit of the doubt. But, with our close intimate understand of each other came the knowledge of my soft spots - his ability to help me always rationalize his behavior away. We were a good team at it - I was a very willing participant.

Unfortunately, it's the nature of the beast - A's don't work, at least not without sacrifices. Sacrifices that end up causing deep scars that can take years to fully heal - especially when we have to keep ripping off the scabs to "see" if they're healed, yet.

Anyway, I guess the final straw came in the form of a big 2x4 smacked squarely across my thick skull. I wish I'd headed those little straws that came earlier.......

That's probably way more information than you wanted, but I guess I'm doing a little venting these days. I've experienced some temptation since he showed up out of the blue the other day, and I'm just trying to help myself be strong. It's good to be honest about what I went through. Thanks for letting me. -j



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 1:11pm
I thought my MM was a good guy too. It killed me to see him hurting when I would try to pull away. And I think the first year, we gave each other so much that we both needed really badly -- fun, romance, friendship, a sense of possibility and hope for happiness, and a really wonderful connection that felt true & deep. As the years moved along, the lies & sneaking & settling for less than everything just ate away at all the good stuff we had.

It was like our relationship was shrinking instead of growing. By the third year, I just wanted out. He had his reasons, good ones, for staying married -- but nothing can make a relationship based in dishonesty and hiding good. And, as he became more comfortable with having his cake & eating it too, I felt more resentment toward him. I think I suppressed those feelings until I just didn't have anything left for him.

It was still hard to leave -- it took 6 mos. of weaning myself -- spending more time with my friends, working harder at my job, just pulling away (reading and learning lots here). I always put my children first but everything else did suffer over time. I started dating a little.

One thing that helped "save" me was meeting a really special single guy who hung in there with me when I ended it with MM (my BF knows all about MM -- from the beginning) until it was completely over in my heart. Now I have my life back & a wonderful relationship that grows every day & enhances my life & me, instead of making me suffer & cry & feel guilty all the time. MM and I had good times but the bad feelings were too much a part of it.

I needed others to help me make it stick -- friends, family, my BF. I couldn't seem to do it for myself even though once I ended it, I never once looked back. I also went into therapy a few mos. after ending the affair & that helped more than anything.

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 1:50pm
WOW - reading these responses has been great. Lets me know how similar these situations really are. We all think our affair was somehow different till later when you realize the truth...


I guess for me the final straw has alot more to do with myself than OM. I think when I got to the point where I was doing unhealthy things that I DEFINITELY wasn't proud of I knew it had to stop. Nothing shocking, but just little things like being so upset that I couldn't sleep at night or peering out the window at his house over and over and feeling completely desperate when he didn't email me. All of that tells me this is not the right relationship for me.

Ofcourse there is more than that...adultry is wrong, and at times he treated me terribly, he's totally selfish, etc., etc....but those kinds of things I seemed to explain away somehow. I could justify the wildest things, but to see my self respect chip away was too much. I'm a mother and my family depends on me. They need me. I can't sacrifce their happiness (and my own for that matter) for what pretty much amounts to an addiction.

This is not to say that I didn't love and care for him. I did, but it was more a fantasy him - who I wanted him to be. The man I wanted to 'rescue' me from every little trouble in my life. The big joke is now he's the biggest problem I have. Anyway, I'm rambling and it probably makes little sense, but again going back to the original question - What was the last straw? The last straw was when I felt I was losing me - at least the best part of me!