here i am again

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
here i am again
3
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:37pm
You guys dont remember me im sure, but Ive been here before and well........now im back.

Here is just a bit of background info about my situation. A year ago, I was in a very dull and emotionless marriage, thus I met MM. I fell so deeply in love, maybe it was the attention he gave me or excitment, I have no idea......none the less, I fell for him.

We seen one another everyday and he promised me the moon and the stars to boot. I believed him. I left my husband (which I would have done anyway, sooner or later). He ofcourse said that he was going to leave his wife also.

In July, my first visit here, he got scared due to the fact that his wife found his cell phone bill and he decided that he couldnt see me any longer. My heart was broken. So I came here. You guys helped me alot, to no avail. He came begging me back and said that he didnt want to live without me in his life. So like a fool, thinking with my heart and not my head I said ok, great. He did tell me that he was leaving her as soon as his affairs were in order, yea right.

Anyway, things went well for a while, although he made no move to leave his wife, i should have known that he wouldnt, I gave him no reason to, I was there anyway.

About 2 months ago he started acting different, he wouldnt call when he said that he would, he would be distant....but not all of the time, It would come and go, I would ask what is the matter and he would say that he was just tired and stressed from work. Deep down I knew that it was more but I didnt want to accept it.

My birthday was in Nov. and it was horrible, he remembered but...it was one of his distant days. Oh and he sent me some of the ugliest flowers that i have ever seen. I let that pass.

He knew that I was dreading Christmas for too many reasons to list, but the big ones being that it was my first Christmas alone with the kids and another being that since I left my husband my relationship with my mother has been horrible. I just didnt want to deal with it. Thank goodness its over....it was horrible! I guess that is why he acted normal during Christmas.

But....New Years Eve.....totally different story. He had been in his mood the day before and I decided that I wasnt going to take work as an excuse any longer. So on New

Years Eve early in the am i called and he never returned my call so i hunted him down at work and asked what was going on, he said nothing just work, i say bull crap........tell me, he said that he couldnt lead his double life any longer. He was so cold, even when he wold me that he loved men and always would. I cant say that I was surprised at him confessing, I wouldnt have left until he did, but I was very surprised at his coldness, he had never been like that. I couldnt even make myself cry, I was just mad so so mad.

I did the unforgettable, I destroyed his ladder that he had left at my house putting up Christmad decorations, and i called his wife, I told her that i had been seeing her husband for a year, she was so calm....errie....then even worse i kept her on the phone until i got to where he was and i put him on the phone with her. I was not pretty form there.

I honestly dont know why I did it other than the fact that i was hurt and wanted him to hurt too, and that i lost everything, my husband found out long before i left him, why shouldnt he hurt too. That is what i was thinking then,,,now im just ashamed. I should have never called, although all of my friends say that i done the right thing. Im worried about him, omg I hope he is ok.

I can say that i would never go back to him, it would be the same thing over and over, but i still love him and want him to be ok. I am very worried about him..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
In reply to: me911cc
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 8:49pm
me911, your post really tugged at my heartstrings ... now I don't know who to sympathise with more - you, him or his wife! LOL. My advice is to leave him be. He's got enough mess to sort out, and like all humans, he will survive. No more phonecalls, totally no contact. Go take care of yourself, concentrate on you. Grieve for the end of the relationship like you would any relationship (just because this was an affair doesn't mean you can't grieve over it), but make sure you take care of you. Hugs to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
In reply to: me911cc
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:36pm
I really dont know where to go from here. Not like in the next years or anything, I mean like in the next five minutes. Its like im a nervous wreck and I dont know what to do with myself, I have nothing to do but feel like I should be doing something. I cant stop thinking about him and worring about him but I wont call. Im sure that he is just as messed up as I am. I fell like i can do the no contact thing. I was so tired of the whole situation anyway. Im almost relieved that it is over, not that I miss him any less. He was for a long time my spirit and the best friend that i have ever had. Its almost like a part of me has died. And this time I know that it has died, I made sure of that. Maybe underneath it all that is why i called the wife, to assure that it would be over. This is just to hard, although it was really hard being with him too.

I guess what I need from the board is just a place to vent and let out my emotions, and any advice is appreciated. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
In reply to: me911cc
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 11:30am
I'm sorry me911cc, you need a huge hug, I hope you have someone there for you. Please vent all you need to here, a lot of times that helps more than you can know. I agree with the previous poster - just try to let it go from here... build a new life for yourself and your kids. When things settle down for you, someday you'll look back and wonder why you ever settled for someone who only gave you part of his heart. You deserve to be treated a whole lot better than what he was dishing out.

Try to do something nice for yourself today - yesterday is over and done. Peace to you... -j