She's away...I'm gonna run...
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| Sat, 01-03-2004 - 9:33am |
Secondly, this "backing off" just can't work the long run like this. At least, without possibly as much pain and suffering as a full blown A. We just work too close together and feel too much for each other...at least I do. Sure, maybe *I* can back off and make my message clear. Maybe *I* can finally get her to realize what my goal is. Maybe *I* can be the one to successfully end this "nothing" that has been between us...but then what? Then *I* need to continue to see her everyday. *I* need to live with the knowledge that this terrific person was purposely hurt by ME just because we got along together??
So...I'm going to run. I've accepted a position in another department. It's in the next city over, and will unfortunately put me farther away from my family, higher taxes, long commute, blah blah...but this is the ONLY solution I can find to TRULY breaking off this "nothing." I'm told my transfer may not happen for a couple of months, but my OW just left on a week's vacation. I am going to ask that this transfer happen ASAP. I'll inevitably receive the "But why?" e-mail or phone call...but by then it will be over with. I can just explain that it was something I had to do, something that just came up. I had to go.
Am I doing the right thing? What's done is done though...I'm moving for sure. I'm the one running away. I have to sacrific more time away from my family to do so. I don't know if others on this board would have done the same thing having the opportunity, but it's the only way I can see to avoid all this pain. I'm crazy about this person...and shouldn't be. Is it cowardly? Should I go while she is away? If I can't transfer in time, I will surely have to confront her personally. Then what do I really say when she asks why I did this? NOW can I reveal my feelings, so we can get the (quick?) pain over with and have some CLOSURE?
More Faithful...yet More Tempted than ever...

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To be honest I think you've done the right thing. Moving away from the temptation might very well save your marriage. Seriously. However, that is only step 1. Step 2 is to find out why you were tempted. It is probably not just that one woman, but something that has to do with you. Its not easy to find the answer, but it is the key to not having this happen again.
I would not tell her (the woman) why you are moving. I can tell you want to, but don't. It might be all that is needed to take things to the next level and that is what you are trying to avoid. Simply say - I thought it would be an interesting move, or I'm up for a change...whatever. DO NOT SAY Oh because I've fallen in love with you and am trying to fight it. What if she says I love you too. Then what? Don't say that, Just go...
~hopin
We did the email flirting for 3 years before either one of us fessed up to how we really felt. Looking back I wish I would have kept it strictly work related.
I commend you for doing what you can to keep anything from happening - I'm a little concerned though that just removing yourself is going to be enough to quiet that screaming monster called attraction... the feelings we have when we find ourselves in these situations are so powerful that most of us just blindly follow them because it's so much easier - and we want to so badly. You're a strong man to be fighting it. With all that said, could it perhaps (I'm just wondering) end up putting a magnifying glass on the whole situation. After all you've already listed the many negatives of your decision to leave... fast forward to 6 months into it and say one day you're totally sad from the fact that you "had" to leave the friend you had, you hate the commute, the taxes, so much less free time all causing you stress. What of all that is going to make "you" happier?????????? And "not happier" can open up a whole new can of worms - perhaps that thoughts that "the OW" could make me feel a whole lot better. I'll just call her on my cell and we'll "just talk" during my long commute home - that should take the edge off.............. (then you're back at square one) - - - ?
I'm sorry, I'm presenting worst case scenario - really, to just ask you to look a little deeper. I'm the "perfect world", I would say to talk to your wife about the fact that you have this weird attraction and you don't know why you connected but that you love your wife and feel it is interferring with your connection with your wife - and you don't want anything to come between you or your family. Most likely that is the last thing you would want to have to do - completely understandable. So, if that isn't an option, maybe you could seek counseling, or a very close friend who you can vent all this stuff out to, and lean on for accountability.
There are so many things I would like to share with you - to try to spare you the much more intense and agonizing pain of having an A, then either ending the A or your marriage - one or the other in the end - it's inevitable. Believe me, that pain is 1,000 times more intense than what you feel now - which appears to be so hard on you as it is. Anyone here can tell you.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. My heart goes out to you and I only share with you in hopes you might find an answer that is least hurtful to all of you involved. There is no "right" way for everyone, please take what you can from each of our opinions and best of luck to you in your journey. Somehow, I believe you'll be able to land on your feet.
Peace... -j
WHAT then, would possess me to even LOOK at another woman? I ask myself that question every time I come home and kiss my wife 'hello'. But the reality of life is this: I spend 9-10 hours a day at work, 4 hours commuting both ways. Outside of sleeping, that does not leave much time for my family, much less for JUST my wife alone. Also with 4 kids, while all the love is there between us, gone are the euphoric days of flirting, dating, and courting. We just had a newborn, so our sex life is practically negligible - but I know that will come back.
What happened at work was, in my opinion, purely accidental. This OW is gorgeous. She turns heads wherever she goes. Some people suspected she was hired purely due to her looks, and that she might be having an A with her boss (just gossip...confirmed by me to be not true.) While she does have the occasional man "hit on" her in the building, she has for the most part stayed away from developing any real "close" friendship with anyone, be it peers or acquaintences. She ate lunch at her desk everyday, and never attended social functions. I have heard this to be not uncommon amongst the beautiful-but-shy types? True?
Now me, I have only dated 4 women in my life - the 4th being my wife. While having plenty of friends growing up, I lived a pretty much girlfriend-less adolescence. I watched my friends go thru heartache to heartache, and tried to "learn" from their mistakes. I knew that when I finally found a relationship with someone, I would do it right the first time. All the while though I was lonely and, well, sex-free, too.
I saw this OW everyday, and admired her from afar. Not that I singled her out, just admired her amongst the few other attractive women in the office. My co-workers would gossip, marvel at her looks, oogle, fantasize, etc. We sit close enough to each other that MAYBE we say "good morning" to each other once in a blue moon - but I never really felt any chemistry between us (and never looked, outside of the standard male cravings.)
It just so happened that she had a problem that I had the solution to. She found out while asking around that I should be asked to help. Meagerly, she came to my cube - and, well, you can imagine, I was tongue-tied while speaking. I helped her out, and she was thankful (bought me lunch), and that's when things started. We talked about our spouses (although *I* have never given any hint of a problem at home, she has on more than one occasion mentioned how "annoying" her husband can be) and I talk about my kids constantly (she has no children, and I haven't asked why not.)
ONLY because she was, in my circle of co-workers, "a catch" did I accept these lunch dates, and responded to the cutesy e-mails in the beginning as a "hey guys, look what I got" type of trophy. But when I started becoming emotionally attached I started blowing off my friends for lunch, I started being more secretive about leaving my desk to go for "a walk", etc. I always kept it professional-friendly, but the feelings just started growing. We just became so attached to one another that it has gotten this far.
Although I know I kept the "brakes" on this whole time, I just can't tell how SHE was handling her side of the ... "A"? Was she just always looking for a close companion, but never intended to cheat? Was she hoping that I would be the one to make the first move, but has been frustrated at my reluctance to do so? WOULD she even allow herself? I see the two arguements: keep your mouth shut and just go, and bring it out in the open in order to end it. While I know the solution to the main problem, it's killing me which to choose for "closure". I am a person that needs this in many aspects of life. I think if I DON'T have closure I may end up going "back"...but if I DO have closure, then maybe she will hang up on me if I ever try to do so...no?
FBT
P.S.
As for work, while yes, I will be miserable commuting so far for a while, I will continue my search for a job closer to home and family. Could this happen again? Now that I know what to look out for, and now that I have this board - hopefully not...
I know you need closure, and I know that awful feeling of whether to spill my guts out or not. While I really think you should not tell her how you feel, I do understand where you'r coming from about her feelings ... perhaps a very sensitively worded spiel about how her friendship means something to you will help ease the pain she may feel at you going. Note I said FRIENDSHIP. You've got to keep the message within the framework of platonic friendship, and don't use romantic words that keep women hanging on. A simple 'your friendship has meant a lot to me' will suffice.
Aaah, easier said than done, I know.
My gut feel tells me the feelings are mutual, and I think your gut feel tells you the same thing. Do you really need to hear it from her to confirm it?
My point I guess being that knowing stuff from her past, I DON'T want to be yet another man in her life to have coldly burned her. If I am to be the one to put an end to this, I want it to be with total understanding from both sides. Although I am afraid, as others here have noted, that bringing out my real feelings would lead to the "next" level...but that's why I've taken this other job...to make sure that CAN'T happen. I know my solution sounds extreme, and I wish there was a way for us to talk it out with me not having to leave, but I feel so much for this person at the moment that any step towards the next level and me sticking around may almost certainly result in a full blown A. But also I (hopefully) am aware enough of my feelings, and possibly hers, to bring "just enough" out in the open to discuss how we truly feel for each other, how it ever happened, and how anything further would just end up hurting the both of us in the end. I would like us to part as friends with understanding and smiles, not questions and sadness.
Is this possible??
FBT
P.S.
Update on the family front, things are fine, the kids are going to bed...and I'm looking way forward to channeling ALL my love and devotion to the one I promised them to...
I am an optimist, and I believe that our friendship will survive the temporary romance we had, and maybe it'll work for you too. I must warn you though that to do that requires a lot more strength than I thought I had. After we decided to end it and go back to being platonic friends because we just didn't want the complications, I have had to hide my feelings for him, I have had to swallow my instinct to tell him that I'm still crazy about him, I have had to pretend to be happy when he started falling for someone else... I did all this because I didn't want to throw away the platonic friendship we have both worked so hard to re-establish. It's been a very painful process for me, and I've survived simply because I'm stubborn and because I don't want to lose a special friend. On top of that, I had to hide this internal struggle from my husband. If you think you can do all that, then maybe you can take the risk of spilling your guts out to her before you go. Oh yes, deciding that YOU can take all that doesn't mean SHE can. You will then have to be the strong one in the relationship, and that can be hard if she's in tears in front of you. She may want to continue the emails that contain words that make her more desirable than ever in your eyes, and you will have to reply carefully to keep things within the platonic framework ... if she's in love with you, she will try to read into everything, and there will be times when she may take your replies as being cold, then you will have to explain yourself to her .... etc etc etc. Not easy!
My advice is that once you spill your guts, and she admits the attraction is mutual, you have to stop there. You say you just want to know, you want things out in the open, ok, by that time you'll have the truth. You MUST have the strength to prevent anything else from developing, and that will be oh so hard if you're both looking into each other's eyes... you're going to think, well, I'm going away anyway, what harm can one night of passion do... all very dangerous thoughts! If you really have to tell her your feelings for her, you've got to add on that you don't want to ruin your family's happiness AND your friendship with her, and hence you are going to take time out from everything... and that you want to be able to be friends with her for many more years down the road, but until then, you really need to take a step back and disappear for a while before you do something you regret.
For me, yes, I can say I'm happier now, I have a clearer conscience and all that crap, but I just responded to another poster fully admitting that if he should turn around and decide he wanted to re-start our fling, I don't know if I'll have the strength to resist. So just be aware that even when you think you see the light at the end of the tunnel, there will be times when the pain starts all over again. It's a long long process, don't say I didn't warn you...
Good luck with your decision, and do update us!
Edited 1/5/2004 2:42:16 AM ET by wasnotthinking
You also say you love your W and want to protect your marriage. If "running" saves that, it's well worth it.
Leading the OW on by continuing to play the flirtsy game is FAR crueler -- you have strong feelings for this woman. Do you want to ensure that she feels as strongly for you by talking about these feelings? Then leave her?
And honestly, this a grown, sophisticated woman we're talking about. Do you think for one minute that she hasn't put it all together? It hurts. But doing the right thing doesn't feel "good" immediately -- no pain, no gain!
You can feel good about the kind of man you are. You are being strong for very good reasons - to protect people you love, including yourself, I hope. She can feel good about "dodging a bullet" and not being a woman who caused hurt and pain to others. It's just all good. You just have to get past the hard part.
You are doing the best thing, but I think you'd benefit from some counseling to help you sort through all this and stay on the right path and maybe even feel better about it.
I'm scared, really. I don't know what to expect, BUT I do know what I want to happen. I think. I hope. Obviously I'm torn, and now that she's away for a week I can only hope that I become STRONGER, and not just left to the demons of my thoughts.
I am going to ask to transfer as early as next week, maybe before she returns, but today I'm getting the feeling that I won't be allowed to. I may be able to TEMPORARILY move for a week or so, but my permanent relocation may not happen until March 1. THEN what?? I bring out my (our?) feelings, it either goes good OR bad...and I have to deal with the situation for 1.5 months? What am I getting into...... :(
I guess until then I'll be visiting this site over and over trying to hash out my best options...
Thanks again...
FBT
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