She's away...I'm gonna run...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
She's away...I'm gonna run...
42
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 9:33am
Since Xmas I have been taking the advice of people here that have said, "DON'T tell her how you feel...just back off" and two things are so apparent: Firstly, I feel like a cold hearted, manipulating, weasling ass now. I was PURPOSELY AWAY from my desk on the afternoon of New Year's Eve but still received a phonecall on my cell from her saying she had to leave already but wanted to wish me a Happy New Year. My God - how can I be treating her this way? Our relationship built up not just on attraction, but over kindness and trust - now I'm forced to do this??? I'm not sure if it was related, but the day after New Year's, I was oddly "blown off" the whole morning...there were no cute e-mails, no walk-bys. I almost felt like I was receiving the "mirror" treatment...then the cigarette request came in...I took it. Nothing special happened, but now some "confusion" seems to have set in.

Secondly, this "backing off" just can't work the long run like this. At least, without possibly as much pain and suffering as a full blown A. We just work too close together and feel too much for each other...at least I do. Sure, maybe *I* can back off and make my message clear. Maybe *I* can finally get her to realize what my goal is. Maybe *I* can be the one to successfully end this "nothing" that has been between us...but then what? Then *I* need to continue to see her everyday. *I* need to live with the knowledge that this terrific person was purposely hurt by ME just because we got along together??

So...I'm going to run. I've accepted a position in another department. It's in the next city over, and will unfortunately put me farther away from my family, higher taxes, long commute, blah blah...but this is the ONLY solution I can find to TRULY breaking off this "nothing." I'm told my transfer may not happen for a couple of months, but my OW just left on a week's vacation. I am going to ask that this transfer happen ASAP. I'll inevitably receive the "But why?" e-mail or phone call...but by then it will be over with. I can just explain that it was something I had to do, something that just came up. I had to go.

Am I doing the right thing? What's done is done though...I'm moving for sure. I'm the one running away. I have to sacrific more time away from my family to do so. I don't know if others on this board would have done the same thing having the opportunity, but it's the only way I can see to avoid all this pain. I'm crazy about this person...and shouldn't be. Is it cowardly? Should I go while she is away? If I can't transfer in time, I will surely have to confront her personally. Then what do I really say when she asks why I did this? NOW can I reveal my feelings, so we can get the (quick?) pain over with and have some CLOSURE?

More Faithful...yet More Tempted than ever...

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Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 9:54am
Oh dear - you really do sound tortured!

To be honest I think you've done the right thing. Moving away from the temptation might very well save your marriage. Seriously. However, that is only step 1. Step 2 is to find out why you were tempted. It is probably not just that one woman, but something that has to do with you. Its not easy to find the answer, but it is the key to not having this happen again.

I would not tell her (the woman) why you are moving. I can tell you want to, but don't. It might be all that is needed to take things to the next level and that is what you are trying to avoid. Simply say - I thought it would be an interesting move, or I'm up for a change...whatever. DO NOT SAY Oh because I've fallen in love with you and am trying to fight it. What if she says I love you too. Then what? Don't say that, Just go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 10:09am
Hi. You really are in tough situation. As the recipient of NC after being in an emotional "affair of the heart", and being left with no validation of what he was really feeling for me, I have to say that I think you should talk to her about what you're feeling. She probably has some inkling already and if you leave without an explanation, she will be left confused and probably hurting, and maybe even feel at fault for you having to leave. Although I commend you for wanting to go to such lengths to preserve your family, just for my own curiosity, I have to ask you a couple of questions, and I apologize if you've explained this before and I missed it. What is your relationship like with your W? How long have you been married? I know all the moral arguments, but in your heart, how can you give up such a strong connection with someone? If you and the OW talk about this, at least she will be able to let it go and have some closure, without always questioning the whole situation - was he feeling it too? was I just imagining the whole thing?

~hopin
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 10:27am
I wouldn't tell her your feelings, but I wouldn't make her "mind read" what you're doing. Tell her that you value your friendship and you need to keep things on a appropriate level and possibly only business related. I wish someone had given me this advise before my A.

We did the email flirting for 3 years before either one of us fessed up to how we really felt. Looking back I wish I would have kept it strictly work related.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 10:54am
Faithful.... you seem to be a real jewel. No wonder there was this chemistry that the woman you work with feels for you - and yes, I believe she did feel it from the description you gave in your previous post. Now, whether she would admit it at the point you're trying to "keep things from going further" is another question - if it were me, I definitely would not admit it for many reasons. So, "if" you decide to have the discussion with her and you get an "I never felt that way" comment - I wouldn't necessarily believe it, after all, you leaving is a rejection of sorts.

I commend you for doing what you can to keep anything from happening - I'm a little concerned though that just removing yourself is going to be enough to quiet that screaming monster called attraction... the feelings we have when we find ourselves in these situations are so powerful that most of us just blindly follow them because it's so much easier - and we want to so badly. You're a strong man to be fighting it. With all that said, could it perhaps (I'm just wondering) end up putting a magnifying glass on the whole situation. After all you've already listed the many negatives of your decision to leave... fast forward to 6 months into it and say one day you're totally sad from the fact that you "had" to leave the friend you had, you hate the commute, the taxes, so much less free time all causing you stress. What of all that is going to make "you" happier?????????? And "not happier" can open up a whole new can of worms - perhaps that thoughts that "the OW" could make me feel a whole lot better. I'll just call her on my cell and we'll "just talk" during my long commute home - that should take the edge off.............. (then you're back at square one) - - - ?

I'm sorry, I'm presenting worst case scenario - really, to just ask you to look a little deeper. I'm the "perfect world", I would say to talk to your wife about the fact that you have this weird attraction and you don't know why you connected but that you love your wife and feel it is interferring with your connection with your wife - and you don't want anything to come between you or your family. Most likely that is the last thing you would want to have to do - completely understandable. So, if that isn't an option, maybe you could seek counseling, or a very close friend who you can vent all this stuff out to, and lean on for accountability.

There are so many things I would like to share with you - to try to spare you the much more intense and agonizing pain of having an A, then either ending the A or your marriage - one or the other in the end - it's inevitable. Believe me, that pain is 1,000 times more intense than what you feel now - which appears to be so hard on you as it is. Anyone here can tell you.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. My heart goes out to you and I only share with you in hopes you might find an answer that is least hurtful to all of you involved. There is no "right" way for everyone, please take what you can from each of our opinions and best of luck to you in your journey. Somehow, I believe you'll be able to land on your feet.

Peace... -j

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 11:29am
Thank you all for the wonderful advice. Some background for those that have asked: I am HAPPILY married for 10 years. My wife and I dated for 5 years before getting married. We complement each other so well that I cannot see myself spending my life with any other woman. Our 4 children keep us so busy, yet so close to each other. She takes care of all my needs, from the daily routine to the emotional. I still cherish her, and see her as beautiful and important to me as the day we met.

WHAT then, would possess me to even LOOK at another woman? I ask myself that question every time I come home and kiss my wife 'hello'. But the reality of life is this: I spend 9-10 hours a day at work, 4 hours commuting both ways. Outside of sleeping, that does not leave much time for my family, much less for JUST my wife alone. Also with 4 kids, while all the love is there between us, gone are the euphoric days of flirting, dating, and courting. We just had a newborn, so our sex life is practically negligible - but I know that will come back.

What happened at work was, in my opinion, purely accidental. This OW is gorgeous. She turns heads wherever she goes. Some people suspected she was hired purely due to her looks, and that she might be having an A with her boss (just gossip...confirmed by me to be not true.) While she does have the occasional man "hit on" her in the building, she has for the most part stayed away from developing any real "close" friendship with anyone, be it peers or acquaintences. She ate lunch at her desk everyday, and never attended social functions. I have heard this to be not uncommon amongst the beautiful-but-shy types? True?

Now me, I have only dated 4 women in my life - the 4th being my wife. While having plenty of friends growing up, I lived a pretty much girlfriend-less adolescence. I watched my friends go thru heartache to heartache, and tried to "learn" from their mistakes. I knew that when I finally found a relationship with someone, I would do it right the first time. All the while though I was lonely and, well, sex-free, too.

I saw this OW everyday, and admired her from afar. Not that I singled her out, just admired her amongst the few other attractive women in the office. My co-workers would gossip, marvel at her looks, oogle, fantasize, etc. We sit close enough to each other that MAYBE we say "good morning" to each other once in a blue moon - but I never really felt any chemistry between us (and never looked, outside of the standard male cravings.)

It just so happened that she had a problem that I had the solution to. She found out while asking around that I should be asked to help. Meagerly, she came to my cube - and, well, you can imagine, I was tongue-tied while speaking. I helped her out, and she was thankful (bought me lunch), and that's when things started. We talked about our spouses (although *I* have never given any hint of a problem at home, she has on more than one occasion mentioned how "annoying" her husband can be) and I talk about my kids constantly (she has no children, and I haven't asked why not.)

ONLY because she was, in my circle of co-workers, "a catch" did I accept these lunch dates, and responded to the cutesy e-mails in the beginning as a "hey guys, look what I got" type of trophy. But when I started becoming emotionally attached I started blowing off my friends for lunch, I started being more secretive about leaving my desk to go for "a walk", etc. I always kept it professional-friendly, but the feelings just started growing. We just became so attached to one another that it has gotten this far.

Although I know I kept the "brakes" on this whole time, I just can't tell how SHE was handling her side of the ... "A"? Was she just always looking for a close companion, but never intended to cheat? Was she hoping that I would be the one to make the first move, but has been frustrated at my reluctance to do so? WOULD she even allow herself? I see the two arguements: keep your mouth shut and just go, and bring it out in the open in order to end it. While I know the solution to the main problem, it's killing me which to choose for "closure". I am a person that needs this in many aspects of life. I think if I DON'T have closure I may end up going "back"...but if I DO have closure, then maybe she will hang up on me if I ever try to do so...no?

FBT

P.S.

As for work, while yes, I will be miserable commuting so far for a while, I will continue my search for a job closer to home and family. Could this happen again? Now that I know what to look out for, and now that I have this board - hopefully not...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 8:32pm
FBT, thanks for posting your update, I was very curious to see what would happen next! I feel very sad that you have to accept a posting that brings you further away from your family, and in fact I feel rather uncomfortable about it, because being away from your family may just bring you even closer to temptation to starting an affair. But it's your decision, and you sound like a sensible person so I hope things work out for you. I'm living vicariously through a lot of people on this board, so I really really really want things to work out for you.

I know you need closure, and I know that awful feeling of whether to spill my guts out or not. While I really think you should not tell her how you feel, I do understand where you'r coming from about her feelings ... perhaps a very sensitively worded spiel about how her friendship means something to you will help ease the pain she may feel at you going. Note I said FRIENDSHIP. You've got to keep the message within the framework of platonic friendship, and don't use romantic words that keep women hanging on. A simple 'your friendship has meant a lot to me' will suffice.

Aaah, easier said than done, I know.

My gut feel tells me the feelings are mutual, and I think your gut feel tells you the same thing. Do you really need to hear it from her to confirm it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 9:39pm
I guess one of the things making me feel so miserable about this situation is knowing from my OW that she's gotten burned before by old boyfriends, fiances, etc. She has opened up much of her past to me. At first I felt GOOD being JUST a "shoulder to cry on"...but then that always snowballs the WRONG direction, doesn't it? I had a family issue (my family side - not wife related) over Thanksgiving that was pretty serious, and really bothering me while at work. That Monday I asked her to lunch, specifically to vent to an outsider...and she was there for me. It's those things that build a good solid friendship, but I guess if there is even a HINT of (sexual??) chemistry between you two then things end up going too far, right?

My point I guess being that knowing stuff from her past, I DON'T want to be yet another man in her life to have coldly burned her. If I am to be the one to put an end to this, I want it to be with total understanding from both sides. Although I am afraid, as others here have noted, that bringing out my real feelings would lead to the "next" level...but that's why I've taken this other job...to make sure that CAN'T happen. I know my solution sounds extreme, and I wish there was a way for us to talk it out with me not having to leave, but I feel so much for this person at the moment that any step towards the next level and me sticking around may almost certainly result in a full blown A. But also I (hopefully) am aware enough of my feelings, and possibly hers, to bring "just enough" out in the open to discuss how we truly feel for each other, how it ever happened, and how anything further would just end up hurting the both of us in the end. I would like us to part as friends with understanding and smiles, not questions and sadness.

Is this possible??

FBT

P.S.

Update on the family front, things are fine, the kids are going to bed...and I'm looking way forward to channeling ALL my love and devotion to the one I promised them to...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 2:32am
Ah, you're like me then... you want openness, honesty, you like things to be upfront. My xOM and I were like that, we declared our feelings for each other, we both knew that there was no way in hell I would ever leave my husband no matter what, so we decided that we'd enjoy the moment while we could. At that time, we were happy just knowing that the feeling was mutual. We were happy to see each other in the office everyday (we are co-workers too), but eventually, things just tapered off because I had a home to run, while he was single, very attractive, and had a whole bunch of girls falling at his feet. Now he's in an overseas office (gosh, our similarities are familiar aren't they?), and our contact has been reduced to intermittent emails.

I am an optimist, and I believe that our friendship will survive the temporary romance we had, and maybe it'll work for you too. I must warn you though that to do that requires a lot more strength than I thought I had. After we decided to end it and go back to being platonic friends because we just didn't want the complications, I have had to hide my feelings for him, I have had to swallow my instinct to tell him that I'm still crazy about him, I have had to pretend to be happy when he started falling for someone else... I did all this because I didn't want to throw away the platonic friendship we have both worked so hard to re-establish. It's been a very painful process for me, and I've survived simply because I'm stubborn and because I don't want to lose a special friend. On top of that, I had to hide this internal struggle from my husband. If you think you can do all that, then maybe you can take the risk of spilling your guts out to her before you go. Oh yes, deciding that YOU can take all that doesn't mean SHE can. You will then have to be the strong one in the relationship, and that can be hard if she's in tears in front of you. She may want to continue the emails that contain words that make her more desirable than ever in your eyes, and you will have to reply carefully to keep things within the platonic framework ... if she's in love with you, she will try to read into everything, and there will be times when she may take your replies as being cold, then you will have to explain yourself to her .... etc etc etc. Not easy!

My advice is that once you spill your guts, and she admits the attraction is mutual, you have to stop there. You say you just want to know, you want things out in the open, ok, by that time you'll have the truth. You MUST have the strength to prevent anything else from developing, and that will be oh so hard if you're both looking into each other's eyes... you're going to think, well, I'm going away anyway, what harm can one night of passion do... all very dangerous thoughts! If you really have to tell her your feelings for her, you've got to add on that you don't want to ruin your family's happiness AND your friendship with her, and hence you are going to take time out from everything... and that you want to be able to be friends with her for many more years down the road, but until then, you really need to take a step back and disappear for a while before you do something you regret.

For me, yes, I can say I'm happier now, I have a clearer conscience and all that crap, but I just responded to another poster fully admitting that if he should turn around and decide he wanted to re-start our fling, I don't know if I'll have the strength to resist. So just be aware that even when you think you see the light at the end of the tunnel, there will be times when the pain starts all over again. It's a long long process, don't say I didn't warn you...

Good luck with your decision, and do update us!




Edited 1/5/2004 2:42:16 AM ET by wasnotthinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 7:55am
you are doing the right thing. So what that it feels bad when you are doing what it takes to protect at least 2 women you love and maybe your children? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think if you're in this kind of pain, it's clear that you are falling in love with this OW.

You also say you love your W and want to protect your marriage. If "running" saves that, it's well worth it.

Leading the OW on by continuing to play the flirtsy game is FAR crueler -- you have strong feelings for this woman. Do you want to ensure that she feels as strongly for you by talking about these feelings? Then leave her?

And honestly, this a grown, sophisticated woman we're talking about. Do you think for one minute that she hasn't put it all together? It hurts. But doing the right thing doesn't feel "good" immediately -- no pain, no gain!

You can feel good about the kind of man you are. You are being strong for very good reasons - to protect people you love, including yourself, I hope. She can feel good about "dodging a bullet" and not being a woman who caused hurt and pain to others. It's just all good. You just have to get past the hard part.

You are doing the best thing, but I think you'd benefit from some counseling to help you sort through all this and stay on the right path and maybe even feel better about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:53am
Wow...everything you said brings out so many of the unspoken emotions I feel are there. Especially the "well, I'm going away anyway, what harm can one night of passion do... "

I'm scared, really. I don't know what to expect, BUT I do know what I want to happen. I think. I hope. Obviously I'm torn, and now that she's away for a week I can only hope that I become STRONGER, and not just left to the demons of my thoughts.

I am going to ask to transfer as early as next week, maybe before she returns, but today I'm getting the feeling that I won't be allowed to. I may be able to TEMPORARILY move for a week or so, but my permanent relocation may not happen until March 1. THEN what?? I bring out my (our?) feelings, it either goes good OR bad...and I have to deal with the situation for 1.5 months? What am I getting into...... :(

I guess until then I'll be visiting this site over and over trying to hash out my best options...

Thanks again...

FBT

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