I am pathetic...lol........need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
I am pathetic...lol........need help
4
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 1:24pm
I am "this close" to contacting him. I had a text message all ready for New Year's Eve. I've toyed with calling him. I've thought of emailing. But I haven't and I'm trying to get him out of my head and heart. But I *still* wake up every day with the worst feeling in my gut. Why? Shouldn't these feelings and memories be fading?

I've been so looking forward to starting a new year and wiping the slate clean. I want to move on and get over him. What is it gonna take?

Brief synopsis: MM found me online one year, waited a year to make sure and when my ad was up again, contacted me. We met, it was beautiful, and we met three more times. Lasted 7 months and then it got ugly when he didn't follow through on his end of the deal. He wanted us to be friends but I couldn't. I don't get how he could think being friends was okay. And now I'm thinking I'd rather have that than nothing but how pathetic is that thinking? I'd be right back at square one and getting hurt all over again, right?

I want to know that he's okay and that he doesn't hate me for how I behaved at the end. Is there a way to find that out without contacting him?

ILLE

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 2:41pm
oh ILLE......new year's eve is a killer!.....i, too, almost broke NC, well probably everyone here might consider that i did, since i called his cell phone and didn't leave a message after midnight...but only after i also saw 3 missed messages on my cell phone about 12:10, and wasn't sure who they were from, but there's no one else i know who was trying to contact me......it was hell to get past that feeling of ALMOST being in contact, and made me want it soo much more.....for the next 24 hours i nearly had to lock myself in the bathroom (where there's no computer, no phone, no car keys!!) to keep from truly breaking contact.....i honestly thought that feeling would NEVER go away until the moment i actually spoke to him......but miraculously, it has......i don't remember the moment when it happened, but i know that sometime between thursday and today, it has passed......a lot of thinking and reminding myself about why i ended it in the first place, a lot of reading here on the board, and some posting here as well, and reading everyone's helpful responses.......

shouldn't these feelings and memories be fading?.....i think you may be confusing the "feelings and memories" with the "pain and discomfort".....it's the pain that starts to fade in time with no contact, but feelings and memories may last a lifetime......i think this is a process for everyone and it's doesn't always progress at a steady rate......sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back....but it does continue to progress, and it does take time, different amounts of time for different people......i'm still fairly new at this, but i'm taking the word of everyone here that it WILL GET BETTER.....and that is just what happened these last few days, and i'm SURE if i had actually made contact with him, i would be much worse off right now that i am......

you're not pathetic at all for thinking that maybe being friends would be better than nothing.....it's so normal to be feeling that since you are hurting over the thought of being without him completely.....but, from what you've said, i know you're also smart enough to know that it's only going to bring you right back into the situation that made you miserable to begin with....all of the feelings and all of the hurt will still be there.....and it is truly very difficult to be "friends" after there was so much more to the relationship.....what you really would be maintaining would be an emotional affair, not simply a friendship......

i'm sure he doesn't hate you at all....if he did, he wouldn't have messaged you on new year's eve......unfortunately, one of the things i think is hardest to deal with is that after we end a relationship, and that goes for any relationship, we no longer are at liberty to pick up the phone and find out how someone is doing.....it's a very difficult thing to accept.....i wonder all the time how my XMM is, what's happening with his son, how so many things are going in his life.....it's part of what we have to let go of.......

what's it going to take?

it's going to take continuing no contact with him and reminding yourself once or twice or a hundred times a day why you ended it in the first place and how much you want to move on and find someone who can offer you the honest, up-front, out in the open relationship that you deserve......

hang in there, and just keep trying to go forward, one day, one minute at a time....you can do it.......HUGS......ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 3:05pm
You are so sweet and so right! A million "thank yous"! I ended it because I deserve better, because it wasn't right despite how we felt about each other, because he needed to get off his dead butt and make a flippin' decision, and because it wasn't fair to me or his kids. But I ended it by being a jerk and being mean to him and I feel horrible about it. That's why I think he may think differently of me. I said I was sorry and he accepted it and said he was sorry too. But still......

It's been over two months since then and I want him in my life! I miss him SO very much and I think of him constantly. I don't get it - he hurt me so bad but I love him. Ever hear women say that on talk shows and think "wtf? how can you love this sorry sob who did you wrong?" Now I know.........lol.

I've been reading this board for awhile and I should be better at helping others except that I feel that I am in no position to help anyone when I can't help myself. Hence, I only post when I feel I may break NC. I do gather strength from others in my same predicament though.

He was the best and worst part of 2003 for me. I want to tell him that. And I want to know he still loves me too...........sick, sick, sick.

ILLE

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 3:38pm
ohh.....i can't tell you how much of what you said i've either said or felt, and still do feel.....i just wrote a post recently specifically on the topic of how you can love someone who has hurt you......why we do.....and it's oh soo complicated.....we love people for many different reasons....sometimes love is real and we actually do love a person, regardless of the fact that they have some qualities that we absolutely hate, or that they've behaved in ways that we REALLY don't like, or that they've done things that hurt us......love is very complicated, as are the reasons that we enter into relationships, stay in relationships, leave relationships.....and nothing stays the same......we don't stay the same......our reasons and motivations change as we evolve as people, and so it becomes confusing when we feel one way and then another.....but sometimes change is a very good, but very painful thing......growing and making changes that bring us closer to what we truly want in life can be excruciating.....that's why they're called growing pains.....

you need to stop beating yourself up and forgive yourself for the way you may have acted when you ended the relationship......emotions run very high and it is understandable.....besides, you've had the sensitivity to apologize, and as you've said he accepted your apology and he also apologized.....i have been there.....i had gotten so frustrated at times that i had yelled and screamed and behaved like a desperate lunatic....all in an attempt to try to make him see, feel and do what i wanted him to see, feel, and do.......that he and i should be together......in the end, he always forgave me for those moments because he knew deep down that it was only because of how much i wanted to be with him, and how much it hurt that he was keeping us apart that i ever got to that point......i'm sure that your XOM understands and forgives you as well....

oh, can i ever relate to wanting to know that he still loves you.....on some days, that's what drives me completely crazy.....i think that i want to contact him simply to hear that he's still in love with me and still feeling awful.....and i'll think to myself, if only i knew that he still felt that way, then i could go on with this NC......i know it does sound sick, doesn't it?....but it's understandable......but think about it.....now would that really help you in getting over him?.....if you knew he still loved and cared about you, it would only be a way of still holding onto the vision, the fantasy, the IDEA of a relationship with him, even if it's not actively happening......it's just another way for us to hold on, instead of let go......and we can come up with a thousand ways to hold on, and just have to deal with each one of them as they happen, until they happen less and less and less.......

don't feel bad about not being able to respond to any posts right now......just take care of yourself and get yourself through each difficult moment, using the board or anyone else you can find to lean on and gather strength from..........sometimes early in the morning, on really rough days, i think, oh my god, it's 8 o'clock and i'm going crazy.....how am i going to make it through this entire day?.......then i'll look at the clock again at some point, like now, and i'll say, wow it's 3:30...somehow i made it to this point when i never thought i would......and then before i know it, i've made it through another day!!.....sounds exhausting but sometimes it just takes those little baby steps......hang on to what you know is the right thing to do.....you'll make it.....ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 4:44pm
Thank you so much for helping me here. Maybe I'm helping you too? I hope so.

Now tell me again why I shouldn't write an email saying "Hey, you broke my heart and I'm still hurt, you b*s*a*r*! How are you? You better be divorced by now like you said you would be. When are you coming back? And do you hate me?"

ILLE