realization, i think...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
realization, i think...
4
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 6:08pm
I believe that I have come to a realization today, actually I think that I have known this for some time but just never wanted to admit it. My life hasnt changed that much these last couple of days. Yes, my heart hurts, but it hurt when we were together. Im lonely now but...i was lonely then too. He only gave me part of himself when I deserve so much more...I guess I was, and had been for so long, starved for the attention and compassion that everyone should have, I took the little that he would give me and I clung to it. I craved it........I wont lie i still do. But like then Im sitting at home wondering if he will call. Im not really expecting him to now, but for so long he was unreliable I didnt expect calls then.......I just craved them. I hope now that he dosent call, it will just be easier that way for both of us.....

I have dug myself into a horrible rut, thinking that the A would satisfy me. The same as he I think. Instead I fell in love with him and made everything worse. Im in a deeper grave now than I have ever been in. I need to let the past go and figure out what is going on with me and let him do the same....Oh how I hope im strong enough.

I guess, Im just wondering if any of you have felt like this, if so how have you dealt with it, should I consider counciling.........or do any of you have other ideas???????
Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 6:40pm
I have felt very similar thoughts. Its odd - why can't I give him up when I really wasn't that happy when we were together? It never felt enough - it never was enough, yet not having him at all hurts too. Sometimes more than the hurt I felt when we were together.

However...

I have gone without OM long enough that I know there comes a time when the hurt fades and everything starts brightening up and you know you'll be able to move past this, just as you've moved past other hurtful times in your life. It will happen and the reason we're going through this pain is so that eventually we'll be happy again. Because you know you can't be happy with a married man right? Its just not enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 8:22pm
I liked your post! I totally get what you are saying. you just really miss yourself and even when he was there, to dull the pain, it still didn't make you completely happy. I do think finding a good counselor will help, also finding good friends in this world is the other key. Find something in life that is just yours. Something you can be proud of. I wish I had more talent. I have to remind myself that being a muse is not a real talent (ha ha.)

When my A ended, I changed EVERYTHING in my life. My job, my location, ended my marriage. I know I am to blame for the breakdown of my morals. I thought that I could seperate my bedroom habits from my "real life." I have been kidding myself for a long time.

I'm still not completely happy with the way my life is going, BUT I'm getting better continuously.

I feel like I have more to offer in this lifetime.. I'm still trying to figure out what my real passion is.

The only encouragement I can offer is that after 4 months. I no longer wait for or crave the e-mail or phone calls. I still crave getting back to me though. I don't know how long that will take.

Let me know if YOU figure this out before me.

Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 9:09pm
Thanks so much for your post, now I dont feel so alone in this. Someone understands!!

My life has changed quite drastically over the past year, I left my H 6 months ago which was 6 months into the A. Now I almost feel sorry for him and what I put him thru, but he has been such a tailhole today im having a hard time with it. I do however feel for my kids, I took them away from their daddy, and now away from MM. He was completely in my life and my kids love him dearly. (I told them that he has moved far far away)

How selfish of me!!

I agree, I also need to find my passion. And hope to find it soon, but the truth is I hate being alone........proably have some co-dependancy issues to work out along with about a million others.

Tomorrow is going to be a rough day, I find out if he still has a job and if so if it is going to be here. (he lives in another town but works/worked here) Im sure that it would be best if he goes somewhere else to work, forced no contact.....ha ha.

Who knows maybe I will be strong enough to stay away reguardless. I hope so anyway, Im sure he dosent want to see or hear from me now.
Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 7:55am
hi, since we both love the same author,and feel similar, i thought i'd write to you too. I just say hang in there. Its easy to feel needy, co-dependant, but we all want to be loved, heck, just liked is enough, and wanted and beautiful. And you are ALL of those things. Look at those babies of yours. Know that you made those amazing children and regardless of who come into their or your life, you will all BE OKAY! Thats how life works.

I am in a simliar boat, feeling wise. Thank goodness for me NOW that we never slept together, but feelings are strong and every day is a struggle not to call, or email or text message. BUT I know that I deserve better, and that he runs hot and cold, and that if we ever meet again it has to be different terms. That I love with my whole being, regardless of the situation and that he could NEVER, I leave you with some words that have been getting me through.

'Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here'

and my favorite ending...

'If I could start again

A million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way'

Thats from HURT by Nine Inch Nails,written by heavenly Trent Reznor, but most recently re-done beautifully by the late Johnny Cash...