Good or bad idea

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Good or bad idea
1
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 7:14pm
I never ended affair, he did and I never got the chance to say what I wanted to him apart from a few text and you cant say much in them.

He ended it because he wife found his phone bill with over 600 messages to me on, she already knew about us but thought it was over. She texted me from his phone said various things and then told me I was welcome to him and if I wanted him he was all mine, I apologised and said I hadn't intended to fall in love with him she said it was too late for sorry and the damage was done.

He texted me a few times after told me she wanted him out and that she had been to see a solicitor, so of course I got very hopeful, XMM told her she could have the house, car and money in the bank and as soon as the divorce came through he would move out, she changed her mind and he decided to stay and try and work things out and told me there could be no contact.

He told me news about the phone bill just as I got home from the hospital where my father had just died, I know losing my dad has added to all the emotions I feel, but I just feel I need to tell XMM how I feel to gain some closure.

He initiated NC although cause I was feeling so down and lost about everything I would just text him now and then saying that I was missing him etc, sometime he replied others not. Couple of weeks after he ended it I started to feel very slightly better and I texted him told him, i'd always love him but unless he was single without the ring on his finger there has to be NC. A few hours later he texted me to go on line he had found he had IM, we talked like we use to, he made me laugh etc I didn't ask how he and wife were getting on nor did we discuss us. At the end of conversation I said, well I guess your not single since lunch time but that I didn't care it was nice to talk and that perhaps we could do it again when possible. He said he'd be in touch.

I texted him a few days later to ask could he come on line sometime as I was fed up with the way I was feeling and before the New Year just need to talk and get things sorted out in my head so that as New year began I was clear on things and could try to start to put my life back together. He replied to say he would try but it was difficult as his wife was finishing work for the holidays the next day.

There was no contact then for over a week I was getting to the stage of not checking my mobile every two mins to see if it was working and of very very slowly accepting that as he wasn't chasing me like mad as he had before when he had got guilty and tried to end things that he really was trying.

Then day before Christmas Eve he put a card through my door to say he was thinking of me all day everyday. He then texted me early on Christmas Eve and we texted back and forth he told me he loved and missed me. We happened to see each other twice that day while out driving and he then texted the early hours of Christmas Day saying 'Twice in one day is someone trying to tell us something' and 'trying to forget you but can't', 'the first time we kissed then made love Wow'. He finished it with, see you soon.

Then a couple of days after Christmas he popped up for a few mins to see how I was on his way home. He told me he lies in bed next to his wife thinking of me and he knows he has to stop, he also said it was really sad how it all ended and that it could of been so much more! Then he told me his father was buying property in Spain and had asked him and his wife if they wanted to buy into it! He said he knew it was worse for me as he had his marriage to fall back on! Stupidly I let him kiss me, he left saying we were bound to see one another around (we live fairly close) and that he had just come to see how I was.

I was really tempted to text him New years Eve but I was strong and didn't but what a surprise he texted me to wish me a Happy New Year, although it did say please don't reply on the end, guess he didn't want his wife to see!

I feel mad about what he said about it being sad how it ended because it ended how he wanted it to no one else if he had wanted me he'd be here! Each time he ended it I tried to understand and each time he's come back I've let him. I do love him and beleive he loved me, I know he is trying really hard this time with his marriage (he hasn't come chasing after me to get me back) but I know he may text again (guess i hope he does, cause it means he thinking of me but I know its no good as it's giving me false hope all the time).

I know the fact that we were teenage sweethearts hasn't helped either, I was his first love and I met my husband on the rebound from him all mixed up in what we felt for each other on meeting again.



He knows he has hurt me but he thinks I'm fine with him, that I'm understanding, kind loving and nice like I've been throughout this whole thing but I want him to realise what he has done that yes I love him but I hate the way he treated me and that although I've understood each time he's felt guilt or been found out and he's tried to end it it hurt me like hell.

He told me many times he didn't think he'd ever be able to leave home because his children needed him so I've been telling myself I knew that so how can i now be angry but I found some of our old emails (before we had met up) the other day, where although I was falling for him I tried to get him as a friend to work on his marriage and told him I wasn't the answer to his problems, he replied his marriage was dead and not worth working on and that as long as he could still see the children he didn't care about it ending. he told me the worse thing he could do was to lose me again and i told him the worse thing he could do was to lose his marriage. He told me it had been awful for years and that his mate on hearing he was in contact with me and knowing how bad his marriage was told him to go for it with me. I think he's forgotten those conversations and feels as he told me he didn't think he could leave it's ok but we had already told each other we loved one another by then!

Sorry this is long winded to ask one question but I feel a little better now for writing this but will it help me to write to him, i won't send it to his house because although I hate his wife for letting him stay (i know it's not her fault, but why didn't she try in the marriage, before me being involved made her realise what she had) but I can give to someone to put in his pigeon hole at work.

Am I just being sad! I don't intend it to be a nasty letter just to let him know he has to see what he has done. Will it help me or is it a really bad idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: natty536
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 10:58pm
It's hardly ever a good idea to write something so intimate and personal down & give it to a person whose trustworthiness is questionable.

I say don't do it. I wish I could pull back and erase for eternity the emails I wrote to my XMM (free now for almost a year!)

Good luck. This part of withdrawal just feels terrible. There's nothing to do but get through it -- stay busy but stay away from this guy -- his behaviour sounds like he's one who'll drive you crazy and only give you tiny glimpses of happiness. That's not enough -- you deseve the whole batch of cookies, not the crumbs!