Ending Before it Starts

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Ending Before it Starts
3
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 4:31pm
Not even sure why I am posting here, as I am sure my A will end tomorrow before it really began. I have not been able to speak to anyone about this, just too embarrassed and do not want to be in the position where people judge me. I meet my MM at work 9 years ago, we were friends for a year or so and then he moved overseas. Before he left, I told him that I liked him and we shared a night out together. The feeling was mutual, but nothing other than a sweet conversation took place that night. I saw him a couple of times over the next 5 years, even ended up in the same city as him, but we never consummated the relationship. As far as the emotional aspect of the relationship, I always felt guilty for being a party to it, at this point he became a father. I really wanted no part in helping his marriage breakdown even further. I know that problems were there before, or he never would have looked outside his marriage in the first place, but I did not want to be the one to make it worse or confuse the situation even more. I am in NO WAY judging people who decide to take their relationships further, we are all here for different reasons. I just realized that I could not be a part of the situation, 1) because I cared about him and knew in the long-run that our relationship would hurt him more than help him and 2) I didn't want to get hurt and waste my time on someone who had no plans to leave his wife.

Which takes us to 2003 and the renewal of our friendship. We still have not taken things further, but this time I was more open to the idea of a relationship with him. He says that I am the one person he can not forget about and I am in desperate need of some attention. I know that, so I choose to see him. Our A has been very short-lived, I can not be the on the receiving end of all this - always unsure of whether I can call or not, being jealous of his time out with friends (not at the point yet of being jealous of his wife), etc. I don't feel like myself when I am around him, I guess I am afraid to invest myself too heavily into this because I know my heart will be broken in the end. I thought we could hang out once in a while and I could protect myself from caring too much, but I know now that is impossible. I still want to be friends with him though. Do you think that is impossible now? I am not sure this is going to make sense, but when people talk about a MM who is cheating on his wife, the feedback is not always positive. He always comes across as a creep who can not be faithful, or is just using the OW. The OW seems to be portrayed as desperate or a home wrecker. I did not want to deal with any of these labels. I want to think of us as friends who do like each other and made a mistake by sharing that with each other. I don't think he is a terrible guy, just one that has made some poor choices. And if I can help it, I don't want to be a catalyst in making those poor decisions.

Thanks for listening. It was not my intention to offend anyone here, I am not judging, just sharing some thoughts I have held inside for a very long time. Thanks for allowing me to do that and I look forward to hearing everyone's thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 4:54pm
You're in a great place.

Read around. No one is feeling judged, and very few here judge, either.

I read your post, because it reminded me a little of my situation a few months ago.

Looking for quick advice?

-Yes, break it off.

-Yes, you'll be hurt in the end if you don't

-Follow your heart. Your heart sounds hesistant. Trust that defense mechanism.

-Friends... possibly possible, but watch the closeness. You would have to control the emotional sharing. May be easier to just cut off all together. Most likely, friendship is impossible.

No contact is the way to go, deenice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 6:07pm
you sound like a very smart lady. and don't worry -- none of your comments are worse than the ones we direct at ourselves. someone called having an affair an exercise in self-hatred.

I think we're all learning to love ourselves more by ending/staying out of affairs.

Good luck -- it's hard whenever it ends & you deserve to grieve your loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 8:29pm
You've said it all deenice, and no way have you offended anyone, not on this board! I think you and him will be better off doing no contact... I believe that if you're meant to be friends with him, you can be, but not now. Maybe in the future when the feelings have disappeared, but only time can tell, and the best way to find out is to break contact now.

See, this is the sensible advice I give to people on this board, and I've been here for months. Please follow it for my sake, because I'm not very good at following my own advice :-)