why do I let him keep doing this........

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
why do I let him keep doing this........
4
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:23am
Why do I let my XMM keep calling me I will never understand. Part of me that still loves him so much........that part of me cherishes the NO contact at all with him.

The rational side says, "Tell him not to call unless he is single and so I am".

I have to admit that he called this past weekend while I was out of town. I ask him the question, "Was he having sex with his wife", and as hard as it was to accept, he said, "He was but only a few times". I know I should just HATE him but I don't. I did tell him that we could never go back to an affair, not ever again. He needed to do what it was that made his choose to stay and I was getting on with my life.


It seems that everytime that he tells me something........my heart breaks a little more. I wish I could make it all go away.........and I probably could if we were both single, then again, he will never change.


Thanks for letting vent :o)

Lillsilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 6:02am
I ask myself that very question, all of the time. My XMM calls me still too. We don't talk about Sex anymore, , we don't talk about US being together anymore, but he still calls, like he can't let go. I told him we are both where we needed to be. (We live about 40 miles apart). When ever he is home it seems he has time for everyone in his community, doing odd jobs, favors, etc, but never does or did he call to say "I'm off work today, I'm coming to see you at lunch". It was only when he was passin thru here on his way somewhere else, did I see him. I have told him I think maybe we could try being friends or maybe just cool it all together. But he don't. My heart is just aching, cause I know realisticly I'll never have him in my life as my own. I could just hang up the phone when he calls, but it's not my nature to be like that. And he calls when I'm at work, and it's tought). Maybe I need to do it just once. I try not to think about him having sex with another woman. (He tells me his wife can't stand the sight of him)

You know something tho, I have thought, if she (his wife) feels that angry and hateful towards him. He has probably hurt her bad. I then ask myself, It that what I want too?

You keep venting as much as you need. Be strong! Hang in there.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 4:21pm
Forgive me but because of what you wrote, I have a question for you.

My girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me very recently because she is unsure if she would want to return to a relationship – but not an affair she claims – with her still married ex-lover / co-worker of 6 years. She has not been intimate with him since February – although they see each other often at work – though not every day. Last July, when he realized our relationship progressed beyond just dating (we’ve been dating since May) – he told her he was ready to leave his wife for her. She told him that she did not want that anymore. Although I knew of the affair, she had not told me that she worked with him and that she wanted to put it behind her. When I learned that they worked together, I asked her to cut it off in such a way that ‘would tear his heart out’. This made it worse for her because when she could not bring herself to do that, she began having (or at least more openly) doubts about what her true feelings were for that man. She has asked me to let her be alone to sort this all out. Her fear, she tells me, is that her nagging doubts now will turn into a concrete desire to be with this man, should he leave his wife at some point in the future. She, I believe, is truly torn between wondering what her feelings are for this person and not wanting to hurt me down the road.

Normally, this is pretty obvious, regardless of what happens I’m out of the picture right. But this woman and I have had a truly great relationship. We have much in common, great chemistry and have rarely even argued. I love her and she says she has fallen in love with me, which she did not think possible given her long-time affair with this man. If I leave her now, I believe she would end up with this man, perhaps out of weakness. She does not speak of this man as a great love, but rather feels some sense of obligation and/or affection for someone who was a mentor at work and also helped her through a difficult divorce. Forgive me if this sounds conceited – but he’s not a more fun, more attractive, better lover, more successful, better person – than me. So I wonder why I am losing her.

I am willing to fight for a woman who is confused due to those strong emotional bonds – but I would not want to be someone’s 2nd choice. Any and all advice is welcome. Should I just move on?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:54pm


I cannot speak for your girlfriend but I know from my personal experience that I was willing to hang on to the MM as long as I could with hopes that he would choose a life with me.

It sounds as thought there has been a lot of deception on the part of your girlfriend in revealing the truth about her relationship with the MM she works with. When you said you, "I asked her to cut it off in such a way that ‘would tear his heart out". She could not follow through with your wishes, nor could she ever if the truth was known. Women do not stay in a relationship with a married man for 6 years without the hope of some day being with the MM in a permanent relationship.

Let her go and she will either make a decision to continue to pursue the MM, or realize that she has an opportunity to have a real relationship with you.

"Forgive me if this sounds conceited – but he’s not a more fun, more attractive, better lover, more successful, better person – than me". I know this is hard to accept and acknowledge, however, you have no idea how this MM and your girlfriend interacted with one another, you only know what she has told you. You cannot lose what you never had. I do not know of a woman who would willing stay involved with a MM who was not fun, not attractive, not a good lover, not successful, and not think the MM was a good person.

Hang in there and you may see that you are wasting your time on a love that will never be - and you are right...who wants to be 2nd best??? Not me, that is why I had to end the relationship. It was hard, and my heart was broken, and I still hurt. But I know I will be okay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:31am
Love is not about who's the most fun to be around or the best looking or the most talented or smart. Love really is blind, as everyone on this board can probably attest to! And I can say that once you've been sucked into an A, it's hard to find your way out. There's so much tied into it, so many ISSUES, that I think a part of us gets lost somewhere in there.

Your girlfriend is going to have to work through this and all you can do is give her time to do so. She's made it clear that she's not ready to give up that relationship. Maybe she has to hit bottom before she can find her way out. Maybe she's just not strong enough to see that this R isn't really about being in love with him as much as it is about finding her own self-worth after her divorce. That self-worth is now tied up in this guy and it's going to take her finally getting fed up to find her way out of it. If you really want to be with her, be there for her and be patient. But there may come a time when you become sick of being the "other man," so to speak, and decide to move on with your life. That's something you'll decide in time. The truth is, it's far better she work through this now than after the two of you get married!