I'm seeing the light!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
I'm seeing the light!!!
1
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:22pm
The past couple of days have been very eye opening for me. XMM & I do not talk nearly as much as we used to. Matter of fact, I have not called him at all the past several days. He calls me. I talk to him on a very upbeat tone and sound happy all the time. I am starting to realize that our "relationship" is fading, and I'm okay with it. I do care very much for him, I always will, but the real side of all this is....I don't need him. The feelings of being upset, anxious, guilty and lying are going away. I like feeling like I did before this A started. (I know I will have days when I will feel down in the dumps alittle, but It will pass).

He was honest with me in the beginning and told me he wasn't looking for a relationship, basically just sex. (Cause according to him, he & the W are on poor terms). That was 2 years ago. I fell for him and I fell hard. When I first realized that I could no longer have this A because of guilt, he kept trying to hold on to me, saying he loved me and wanted me in his life for a long time. At the time the words sounded good. Thinking maybe I'd try and hang on a little longer. Get over the guilt and have the man I felt I couldn't live without.



I wonder how I allowed myself to be drawn to him. Maybe the sweet words & attention my H & I used to give each other. Maybe the allure of taking the risk. Who knows. I just know now that after some comments he made to me the past couple of days, I do not want this man in my life any longer. I do not need a man who wants me at his convience and won't share his time with me for other things like a quite lunch or just sitting and talking. It 's always about the sex. Well that had stopped along time ago, but I think he felt that the more he kept trying to presuade me, I'd eventually give in. Well I didn't. He has I'm sure found another, but I bet she has no self esteem just like him. As for me and my self esteem. I love myself and it's always gonna be about me. (And of course my husband and son). My friends and each and every one of you on this board have been the best support a girl could have. Thank you to everyone here. You helped me whether you realize it or not.

Take care :)



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:50am
Isn't a wonderful feeling to be getting back to yourself. I haven't had a bad day in a long time. Sometimes the memories are so distant I feel like maybe it didn't even happen. Denial vs moving on, who knows? Freedom at last, good for you.