NC starts today

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
NC starts today
10
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 9:11am
I don't know how many of you are familiar with my situation. I've been around for a while. I'm going to try to be brief, but I tend to go long!

MM and I have worked together a while. Eight months ago, he suddenly (VERY suddenly) discovered he had feelings for me and told me about it. He came after me like gangbusters, telling me he couldn’t stop thinking about me. Telling me I was beautiful, and a little later that he wanted to marry me. There was great anguish that came from the beginning, but he called a lot, he visited a lot, we were getting closer and closer.

We never made love but things got pretty intense. We talked about it, a lot. We kissed a couple of times but that led him to such intense guilt, we pretty much didn't speak for a month. Things have been going downhill for a while. See, MM realizes that this is a hopeless situation. He doesn't want sex on the side. He wants to be with me, but he has a young daughter and a wife who is good to him; he just has this problem that he fell in love with someone else. I don't want to hurt my H and I'm happy with him. I just am happy with MM too. I know that if I left H for MM, I'd be in the same boat in a couple of years -- probably worse because I don't think MM would be as good to me as H is. H is one of those clingy, madly-in-love-with-you types and MM is more about himself. Anyway, because of the hopelessness, MM has gotten to the point where he doesn't call, doesn't visit. I kept up my daily visit to him out of routine, but I've come to realize I'm doing all the initiating. I call, I invite myself... He's always welcoming, but this R has become something I don't want. It's become me chasing a married man. I tried to end things in September and got really depressed because of all I was losing. The talks, the phone calls, the friendship. But I realized this week that I lost that back in September, not now. The R really hasn't been what it was last summer for months and I'm just hanging around, hoping it'll change...or am I? Even if it did change to what it was last summer, what then? We'd have sex on the side? Do I really want that?

It's ridiculously hopeless, so as of today I'm initiating NC. I thought we could remain friends, but I can't see him without all the feelings coming back, especially when he continues to look at me like we share some intense secret no one will ever understand. It just keeps feeding my crush and making it hurt more and more. I hope to get strength from this board to do the right thing. I'm also turning to the church and God and praying a lot for strength. I feel like if I stay focused on what made me feel so incredibly bad when things were good between me and MM, I'll get through this. Now, time to start calling him xMM!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 9:56am
Hi Lila, I have been following your story and I have been waiting on you to post. Like you, My X-OM and and I have both been on vacation during the last two weeks and we just came back to work this week. We work together. It was hard going without seeing him for those two weeks, but it is also hard seeing him now. How did your first day back at work go? How did your X-MM act towards you? Please fill me in. Your story is a lot like mine and your MM acts a lot like mine too(my X-OM is divorced and I am the one that is married). I am just curious how things went for you on your first day back at work. I know that it is very frustrating! Talk to me girlfriend!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 10:57am
Hi southerngirl! Yeah, that first day was tough. I thought 2 weeks of NC would be hard but it really was easier than being here. As my 2 weeks started coming to an end, I started dreading coming back to work. I actually felt sick about it by Sunday night. I felt so strong and I knew seeing him would only weaken me, so I resolved to come back and just avoid him. Well, that never works for long because he seems to lurk around every corner!

First thing Monday morning I was called upstairs to a meeting. My boss sits right near xMM's cubicle but normally I can slip inside the office without seeing xMM because he's in his cubicle all tucked away. But my boss sent me to a cubicle near his to check on something and I guess xMM heard me in there because he poked his head over the wall and waved at me. I waved back but didn't initiate a conversation and went on with my day. Then I was leaving my boss's office he happened to be behind me and I didn't know it, so he started whistling some song, as he always does to make sure he gets my attention. I turned to look and he gave me this really intense look. So, dummy I am, I came down here and at my designated time called and asked if I could come by to see him. He was friendly and seemed very happy to see me, but we kept the chat light...just about our Christmases (mostly about his... He seemed like he'd been saving all this detailed stuff to tell me, almost). Then I left and yesterday determined I wasn't going to call or go see him. I didn't. But I went to talk to my boss again and he was standing in the office with him discussing something and he gave me this intense look again and winked. Then later in the day they sent me over to ask him something and he got all excited that I'd come to see him and I said, "Actually I'm here on business." He got really annoyed by that and said sometimes I was just mean. When I asked why, he wouldn't answer. We dealt with the business without incident but I realized then that I'm more attracted to him than ever. Just walking down the hall next to him made me feel this magnetic pull. Do you get that when you stand near your guy? I WANT him, plain and simple, but maybe that's just because I know I can't have him!

I've come to the conclusion that he just wants me to be wrapped up in him. He doesn't want to have to deal with his feelings for me, but he wants this little office hottie chasing around after him to feed his ego. That's all I can make of it because WHY ELSE would he keep giving me these looks when it's obvious I'm trying to keep things on a just-friends level?

Even worse, I'm moving to his area soon. Possibly today, possibly tomorrow...right now it's just a guessing game. We won't necessarily run into each other all the time, but the possibility of just passing him in the hall a couple of times a day will increase hugely. So he'll continue to give me these looks. I guess I'm kinda turning it around on him in a way because I figure if I don't chase him, if I don't "FEED THIS MONSTER," as I keep referring to it in my own mind, then I don't have responsibility. I can't help his feelings for me or my feelings for him but what I can help are my actions and calling him and flirting and telling him I want him and he's gorgeous is simply wrong, in every way possible. It's not the feelings that are the problem, it's my behavior. I have to be stronger than that. I can't drag him into something because if I do, I'll never be able to live with myself.

And no, I didn't give him his Xmas present. I'm thinking about returning it to the store for a credit. (I tore up the receipt because I was scared H would find it!) I was going to save it to give him for his bday but that's holding onto hope that this will continue. I feel that taking it back will symbolize my determination to end things, once and for all.

Tell me about your situation? How are things going for you? Are you going through a similar thing? Did the NC make you feel stronger when you returned?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:33am
Lila, My story is so much like yours. My X-OM and I work for the same company, different areas. Our EMA started 5 years ago. We started out as friends. It was mostly emotional, very intense feelings on both parts. We were intimate twice and then OM wanted to end that part because he said we would get too attached. We were both married at the time. I am still married, and OM is divorced. He has been married and divorced twice, and his last EMA resulted in his second marriage, and then she ended up leaving him for another man. So he has been through this EMA thing before and he ended up getting hurt from it. He knows that it was wrong. He thought at first that his EMA with me was okay because we ended the sex part and just remained in an emotional affair. That started to bother him after awhile and then he started pulling away from me. This has been on and off for the last 5 years. He is dating again, but he and I don't discuss that. He tries to keep everything with me on a business level. He still has a hard time being around me. I can look him in the eyes and see the passion that is still there. My X-OM is black and I am white and we live in the south, so that is another problem. He is not good at dealing with feelings. Actually, since he has been in two bad marriages, he is horrible at expressing his feelings. If I tell him that I love him, he will tell me that he loves me too, but that is as far as he will go with it. I know that he cares for me, but he doesn't want to deal with it. My OM is like your MM. He likes the ego trip that I give him and I am his "security blanket". He knows that he can trust me with anything. He has been in an EMA before and he ended up getting hurt, so he is also very paranoid around people. His trust level with most people is very low, but I know that he trusts me. I love my X-OM very much and it is very painful at times. We have talked about being together on a permanent basis, but nothing definite. To be honest with you, my X-OM has been "burned" so badly in past relationships, that I don't know if he will commit to one person for a long time, if ever again. My X-OM is not perfect. He has made his share of mistakes, which is one reason he won't continue the EMA with me. He is trying to live right. He doesn't talk much on a personal basis with me anymore unless I initiate it. He tries to avoid that. Our first day back at work after the holidays, he really avoided me. He has started coming around a little more the last two days. He always does this. I am used to it. I just pretend that it doesn't bother me and eventually he'll come around and talk to me, but he is always very careful and cautious. Like I said, he has been through this before. I am in a decent marriage. I am the one that is unhappy. I want to be with OM, but I am afraid of going through all of the heartache to get there, hurting people, and then possibly having OM back away from me. He is good at that, especially when I try to get close to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:51am
Hi lilah, I'm here from the other board too. I was dying to know if you had given him the Christmas gift. Don't ever worry about going long, I tend to also. I always enjoy your detailed posts. You know how you will always pick up certain things in a post that just hit a nerve. Well, when you said you think things really changed last summer but you were just trying to get them back the way they were and initiating everything. That really made me think about my own situation. I have realized that things also changed for me and SG last summer when he lost his job. I think up until that point he was just using me as something to keep him busy at work when he was bored. Then when he was home all the time, it was like, I'm not using my own time to bother with you. I'm hot, as you are, so I think it was also an "out of sight out of mind" thing. He said to me several times, well I don't see you anymore. Like if he doesn't see me then he isn't turned on. You know what I mean. Anyway, I have also been initiating everything and it is so hurting my pride and my self esteem. He always responded. Then I called him on Christmas Eve, maybe you remember, and we had a great talk. He said we would meet when he got back in town and talk some more. I found out he never went out of town, it was a lie. I have e-mailed him twice this week and no reply from him. This is a first for that, so I guess maybe this would be a good time for me to let go. It is so hard to totally give him up but I can't keep going on like this. My situation will be easier than yours though, because I never see him now. So if I just stop the e-mails, it should go away. But I wonder how long it will take until I don't care anymore. I've been back and forth on both of these boards. I'm hoping someday to not be here at all. I hope we can do it. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:53am
We ARE similar. We both have MMs who were in EMAs before and who married their affair partners. Isn't it pathetic that I'm actually ENCOURAGED that 75% of affair marriages end in divorce because I know that means MM's M will likely end? (Heck, he's falling in love with another woman; of COURSE it's likely to end!) Anyway, I think because our MM have been through this before, they know what's at stake. In my MM's case, he had to quit his church, lost almost all his friends, his family wouldn't speak to him... And he had left a difficult woman for a much nicer one. His second wife is a sweetheart (although lately I've heard other people make some comments about how she might not be as likable as I thought...). No matter what, everyone will HATE me if he leaves her for me. And this is a guy who is totally into being liked. He has to be the most popular guy in whatever room he's in or he isn't happy. So he has this absurd hope that someday down the road we'll be together when our situations just kind of magically resolve themselves. He and his W has gotten into some real big arguments where he's thought she might leave him and it terrifies him because he says if he couldn't see his child every day, he'd be miserable. So when they do fight, instead of turning to me he pushes me away, as if it makes him realize just how much he's risking by being friendly with me... But then I start thinking -- if he did leave his W, would I be ready to hurt my H to be with him? H would be devastated. I don't think I would. I think I'd be like you... What keeps you from just giving up your family and going with OM?

It is so incredible how close our situations are, except my xMM is white...although he's completely not the type of man I'm attracted to. He's not college educated, really into sports, a total man's man. I've always been attracted to sweet, sensitive guys with college educations and who look kinda preppy. But then, I didn't choose xMM; he chose me. I just kinda got sucked in with all his intense looks and proclamations of love. But when we returned from vacation this time it was ME who kinda pushed away from him. I just felt much stronger than I had before. I feel like if I don't see him for a few days, so what? But then a part of me has this idea that eventually he'll start missing me and wondering why I'm not chasing him and I wonder if I'm really ready to end it. I really don't know... I just know that I can't chase him anymore no matter what happens. It's a dark, lonely road and it's not right. Before Christmas we were talking about meeting and just having sex but we decided not to. Over Christmas I FREAKED out over that. I was thinking, next year at this time do I really want to be spending Christmas with my families, knowing I've been sleeping with another man? Could I live with myself? I think you've been through what I'll go through if I do sleep with MM... Did he really freak out afterward and push you away? That's what MM will probably do to me. The closer we get to meeting, the more he seems to avoid me. I guess that's for the best but I have to keep remembering that we're both MARRIED. It's absurd to be worried that he's avoiding me and not calling me. What do I want from this? If it goes "well," that means I'm headed toward completely messing up my life. If it goes "badly," that means I'm hurting all the time and missing him. There's no winning here, for any of us. I guess that's why we're all here on this board, huh?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:54am
I also meant to tell you that, YES, I am very attracted to OM when I am near him. It is very hard, but I keep my composure together. My OM is also more about "self" and my husband is the clingy type. My OM has always been a perfect gentleman with me, especially in front of others. I really respect him for that, even though I'm wishing the whole time that I could just grab him! He doesn't come around me much unless there are other people around. I guess this is his way of keeping himself together. If I call him on the phone, he gets nervous and frustrated. I am glad that I have found you to post to. Our stories sound so much alike.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 12:34pm
Lila, I am soooooooo glad that I found you on this board. This is such good therapy for me. I can't talk to anyone around where I live about this, because I am in the south, and the city that I live in is very racist. Thats one reason I haven't left my husband for OM. We would have hell to pay, especially with my family, if we tried to be together. OM even joked once that if we ever got married we would have to move to another town. He's right. We WOULD have to move. Fear of a lot of things is the main reason I don't leave. I guess it's fear of the "unknown". Anyway, I am in my early 40's, so maybe I'll change my mind as I get older. Right now, OM is dating a woman with 4 kids, so she and her kids seem to keep him busy. He doesn't have any kids of his own, but has raised kids from both prior marriages. I can understand his fear of attachment. His second wife walked in the door one day and told him that she was leaving and taking her four kids and grandkid and moving out the next day. She moved in with another man. OM was devastated and he wouldn't talk to me or anybody else for months after that happened. His first wife also left him for another man. I think the second marriage really burned him because he was with her for a lot more years than the first marriage. I think that I am the first person that loved him for "himself" and not what he could do for me. He has always "bought" past wives and girlfriends with things that he does for them. This girl that he is dating now is driving his car because she doesn't have one. So, see, his self-esteem is low and I give his ego a big boost. I have never asked him to do anything for me or buy me anything, even though has has, it was on his own merit. I really think that he doesn't know how to handle someone like me. He is used to being hurt and used. I have never done that to him. I am different with him. I am "REAL". I am also the first white person that he has ever been interested in. I really think that sometimes I blow his mind because I have been so devoted to him over the last five years. He has never had anyone treat him that good, other than his mother. The two times that we were intimate early in the relationship, he pulled away from me for days afterwards. The rest of our EMA has been emotional. I think that my EMA is just like yours, but I am further along in mine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 1:54pm
You know what? I'm probably more open-minded than most, but I say if you love him, GO FOR IT. Move to another town. Who cares what everyone thinks? Yes, at first it's going to be tough, but There's an old saying that goes: "No way over it, no way under it, no way around it, we're going to have to go through it." If you want to be with him, you are going to have to plow through all the obstacles standing in your way. Life is short. You're 40, but when you're 60 it's going to be too late. Do you have kids? If MM and I were to be together, I imagine we'd have to move anyway, at least to another part of town. And we'd probably have to change jobs -- at least I would. That's why I've more envisioned us as a retirement couple. He can retire in, I think 18 years or so... I don't know that we'd wait that long, but it's a good dream! We'd face a lot of issues if we got together and both still worked here since he met his 2nd wife while working here and they were both married, then split up to be together. He'll be known as a guy that just trades his wife in every 10 years and I'll be known as the harlot that broke up their marriage. Even if we divorced, then laid low for a while, once we did get together they'd always be suspicious. Maybe that's what you and your OM should do. You leave, pretend to take some time to be together, then get together later down the line. You'll have other issues but at least it won't be the scandal of adultery. I just don't know... I believe love should prevail no matter what.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 2:25pm
Lilah, thanks for all of your thoughts. I have children, but they are all just about grown. My youngest is 17. I have thought a lot about being with X-OM permanently. I know that I love him. I don't doubt that. I wonder sometimes if he really loves me. I think that a person always has their doubts about love in these types of relationships. We have both been at our company for over 20 years, so it is just hard to up and leave and find another job. I also wonder if X-OM would commit to me in the end. He has been through such bad relationships and has been "burned" that I would always have that fear of losing him. I am already very attached to him emotionally. I would hate to hope for a permanent relationship and then lose him. Its hard enough now. I wish that I could get past this fear that I have!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 3:25pm
I have a lot of fears too, but just shove the OM aside for a second and ask yourself... If you knew for sure that you would leave your H and OM would dump you in a year or two, what would you do? Would you stay with your H? Are you HAPPY with him? Do you see yourself growing old with him? If not, it doesn't really matter what OM will do. You can just think of him as the instigating factor for a situation you needed out of anyway. But if you think you can be happy with H for the rest of your life... Well, the thing is, if you don't make this move you'll always wonder what could have been but if you do go for it, you may end up regretting it. I think you have to go with your heart, but you don't have to rush to a decision. Just think a lot about whether or not you can see yourself staying with H and whether or not you can imagine living alone and trying to make a life for yourself and maybe eventually finding someone else if OM doesn't work out. I'm glad I don't have to make that decision. I've often feared MM would one day end up single and I'll have to choose. It's possible... When the time comes, hopefully I'll know what to do! Maybe we'll be over it by then and he'll have found a new victim.