NC starts today
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| Wed, 01-07-2004 - 9:11am |
MM and I have worked together a while. Eight months ago, he suddenly (VERY suddenly) discovered he had feelings for me and told me about it. He came after me like gangbusters, telling me he couldn’t stop thinking about me. Telling me I was beautiful, and a little later that he wanted to marry me. There was great anguish that came from the beginning, but he called a lot, he visited a lot, we were getting closer and closer.
We never made love but things got pretty intense. We talked about it, a lot. We kissed a couple of times but that led him to such intense guilt, we pretty much didn't speak for a month. Things have been going downhill for a while. See, MM realizes that this is a hopeless situation. He doesn't want sex on the side. He wants to be with me, but he has a young daughter and a wife who is good to him; he just has this problem that he fell in love with someone else. I don't want to hurt my H and I'm happy with him. I just am happy with MM too. I know that if I left H for MM, I'd be in the same boat in a couple of years -- probably worse because I don't think MM would be as good to me as H is. H is one of those clingy, madly-in-love-with-you types and MM is more about himself. Anyway, because of the hopelessness, MM has gotten to the point where he doesn't call, doesn't visit. I kept up my daily visit to him out of routine, but I've come to realize I'm doing all the initiating. I call, I invite myself... He's always welcoming, but this R has become something I don't want. It's become me chasing a married man. I tried to end things in September and got really depressed because of all I was losing. The talks, the phone calls, the friendship. But I realized this week that I lost that back in September, not now. The R really hasn't been what it was last summer for months and I'm just hanging around, hoping it'll change...or am I? Even if it did change to what it was last summer, what then? We'd have sex on the side? Do I really want that?
It's ridiculously hopeless, so as of today I'm initiating NC. I thought we could remain friends, but I can't see him without all the feelings coming back, especially when he continues to look at me like we share some intense secret no one will ever understand. It just keeps feeding my crush and making it hurt more and more. I hope to get strength from this board to do the right thing. I'm also turning to the church and God and praying a lot for strength. I feel like if I stay focused on what made me feel so incredibly bad when things were good between me and MM, I'll get through this. Now, time to start calling him xMM!

First thing Monday morning I was called upstairs to a meeting. My boss sits right near xMM's cubicle but normally I can slip inside the office without seeing xMM because he's in his cubicle all tucked away. But my boss sent me to a cubicle near his to check on something and I guess xMM heard me in there because he poked his head over the wall and waved at me. I waved back but didn't initiate a conversation and went on with my day. Then I was leaving my boss's office he happened to be behind me and I didn't know it, so he started whistling some song, as he always does to make sure he gets my attention. I turned to look and he gave me this really intense look. So, dummy I am, I came down here and at my designated time called and asked if I could come by to see him. He was friendly and seemed very happy to see me, but we kept the chat light...just about our Christmases (mostly about his... He seemed like he'd been saving all this detailed stuff to tell me, almost). Then I left and yesterday determined I wasn't going to call or go see him. I didn't. But I went to talk to my boss again and he was standing in the office with him discussing something and he gave me this intense look again and winked. Then later in the day they sent me over to ask him something and he got all excited that I'd come to see him and I said, "Actually I'm here on business." He got really annoyed by that and said sometimes I was just mean. When I asked why, he wouldn't answer. We dealt with the business without incident but I realized then that I'm more attracted to him than ever. Just walking down the hall next to him made me feel this magnetic pull. Do you get that when you stand near your guy? I WANT him, plain and simple, but maybe that's just because I know I can't have him!
I've come to the conclusion that he just wants me to be wrapped up in him. He doesn't want to have to deal with his feelings for me, but he wants this little office hottie chasing around after him to feed his ego. That's all I can make of it because WHY ELSE would he keep giving me these looks when it's obvious I'm trying to keep things on a just-friends level?
Even worse, I'm moving to his area soon. Possibly today, possibly tomorrow...right now it's just a guessing game. We won't necessarily run into each other all the time, but the possibility of just passing him in the hall a couple of times a day will increase hugely. So he'll continue to give me these looks. I guess I'm kinda turning it around on him in a way because I figure if I don't chase him, if I don't "FEED THIS MONSTER," as I keep referring to it in my own mind, then I don't have responsibility. I can't help his feelings for me or my feelings for him but what I can help are my actions and calling him and flirting and telling him I want him and he's gorgeous is simply wrong, in every way possible. It's not the feelings that are the problem, it's my behavior. I have to be stronger than that. I can't drag him into something because if I do, I'll never be able to live with myself.
And no, I didn't give him his Xmas present. I'm thinking about returning it to the store for a credit. (I tore up the receipt because I was scared H would find it!) I was going to save it to give him for his bday but that's holding onto hope that this will continue. I feel that taking it back will symbolize my determination to end things, once and for all.
Tell me about your situation? How are things going for you? Are you going through a similar thing? Did the NC make you feel stronger when you returned?
It is so incredible how close our situations are, except my xMM is white...although he's completely not the type of man I'm attracted to. He's not college educated, really into sports, a total man's man. I've always been attracted to sweet, sensitive guys with college educations and who look kinda preppy. But then, I didn't choose xMM; he chose me. I just kinda got sucked in with all his intense looks and proclamations of love. But when we returned from vacation this time it was ME who kinda pushed away from him. I just felt much stronger than I had before. I feel like if I don't see him for a few days, so what? But then a part of me has this idea that eventually he'll start missing me and wondering why I'm not chasing him and I wonder if I'm really ready to end it. I really don't know... I just know that I can't chase him anymore no matter what happens. It's a dark, lonely road and it's not right. Before Christmas we were talking about meeting and just having sex but we decided not to. Over Christmas I FREAKED out over that. I was thinking, next year at this time do I really want to be spending Christmas with my families, knowing I've been sleeping with another man? Could I live with myself? I think you've been through what I'll go through if I do sleep with MM... Did he really freak out afterward and push you away? That's what MM will probably do to me. The closer we get to meeting, the more he seems to avoid me. I guess that's for the best but I have to keep remembering that we're both MARRIED. It's absurd to be worried that he's avoiding me and not calling me. What do I want from this? If it goes "well," that means I'm headed toward completely messing up my life. If it goes "badly," that means I'm hurting all the time and missing him. There's no winning here, for any of us. I guess that's why we're all here on this board, huh?!