it's ending...
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it's ending...
| Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:20am |
I am really sad today. My 5 year affair is ending. The person that I love isn't there anymore...maybe, he never even existed. I am letting go.
I have learned alot about myself these past five years. I have learned alot about marriages and relationships. I have learned that there are no guarantees with relationships - whether it is a marriage or any other kind. I can only count on myself. I will go on and try to be the most decent, loving human being that I can until I die. God, please grant us peace.
Bird

Believe me, I *know* how painful it will be when it's really over. Or if you decide to keep up NC once it's over. There will be some kind of silver lining to this sad ending eventually.
It wasn't too hard for me to maintain NC but the hard part was letting go of the hope that one day something will click in MM's head and he'll...oh I can't even bring myself to say it because sometimes I feel like I'm the one being selfish and demanding. He's said he's sacrificing his own happiness for his kids' sakes. Isn't that the noble and right thing to do? Doesn't it make him more strong because he's enduring a *bad* marriage for his childrens' sake? I'm like you, this whole affair/falling in love/Divorcing business has really opened my eyes to the concepts of marriage, family, love, and I guess life in general. Lately I've been trying *not* to think of this stuff so much but sometimes it's hard. I find myself observing everyone's relationships (parents, siblings, neighbors). Out of all that I feel like I see only a handful of healthy interactions. Who really knows though what happens behind closed doors? And maybe more importantly, perhaps it's all really in the eye's of beholders? One of my relatives said that she has *no regrets* for staying by her man through his cheating, emotional abuse, drug/alcohol addictions, you name it. She says you can't control who you love. But what can you control? Can you *control* how you define love? You can certainly control your actions. But I guess you can't control how you feel deep down inside. That's where I'm at I guess. I can control my actions about no interacting w/MM, but it's been hell trying to get my feelings in line with my actions. However, it's been getting better. I broke down and called XMM too before Xmas to wish him Happy Holidaze, he was kind of distant though so the convo lasted only about 2 minutes. Actually he did sound like he was in a good mood, but I felt uncomfortable and cut the convo short and he didn't protest in any way. What a guy, huh? But the interaction, or rather his lack of warmth, reinforced my belief that it is best to let it go, let the hope go and really move on with my feelings. Just let them die out or remember the pleasant times and accept it's always going to be part of my past.
I hope your healing goes well. I hope we all meet really cool, sexy, rich, *available* guys and totally forget about the pain of our past relationships. That's asking for too much, huh? Well, instead of rich I'd settle for someone with a steady job. Take care and Happy New Year :)
I too, have found much growth in this...however painful it truly is. Like another poster said in response to you, I find myself looking at every relationship I know and wondering if this is just how relationships go. As for me, I'm trying to work myself out of an abusive marriage (emotionally and pschologically) and I believe that my affair was just a feeble attempt to be rescued from an awful situation. I see my exMM enduring a loveless 2nd marriage for the sake of his kids...and in a way for his wife. They have been married 25 years and she has mostly been a homemaker....he can't expect her to start a career at the age of 50 something. And I wonder....maybe that's what loves about...sticking with the person though you would rather be elsewhere. I don't know anymore.
I feel almost childish that I cannot remain friends with him...but yet, we have tried nc to see if I can pull myself together and be friends...and the nc only made me yearn for him more. Now I see that it must be nc forever. I kept dragging him somewhere he didn't want to go...not that he DIDN'T want to go there...because part of him did. There was the constant struggle between wanting passion and wanting integrity...and in these situations you can't have both.
Right now I'm grieving the loss of my friend...but to be honest..I dont know if I was ever truly his friend to start with because I always wanted him to be somewhere he couldn't be. And all the feelings I have were my creation, not his...he never really led me on--he never professed his love or showered me with gifts or whisked me off for romantic rendevous....he offered me his friendship and I misconstrued much of it.
Oh, well...you live, you learn, you grow. But man, do I have some SERIOUS growing pains right now.
Big hugs!
dharma
My comment or bewilderment with women in this situation is; why aren't you angry that you have been used and abused? And if you are, how can hopes of seeing those men again contine to torment you. How can something that leaves you feeling so bad continue to be referred to as 'love'. You are so good with acronyms and catch-phrases - please find another work for the dependency - to call it love is absurd.
Aside from considering this some kind of disease like alcoholism, I believe the reason is that to the extent that you keep hope alive - that things will work out - that he will come to his senses etc - this allows women in this situation to not think of themselves as just a sex partner or as a very dumb person - in short you pick what you consider to be the lessor of 2 evils - you prefer to be tormented rather than admit to being a fool.
Sorry - but you asked for feedback - this is how the non-dysfunctional world sees the absurdity of a human being pining away for someone who has obviously done them great harm. Who can deny the following - the day you climbed into bed with a MM, likely sealed your fate for a rather miserable life. I suggest you channel your hurts and/or anger into blowing up MM world. Then he can decide without the excuse of the marriage. Then you will have your answer (at least in such a way that even you can see it). Then you can FINALLY move on. This may sem a little extreme, but perhaps all you lack is a little testoserone in all your considerations;)
My prayers are with all of you
I just ended an 8 year long affair because I'd already come to the conclusions you mentioned.
Iknowitstime
(and so do you)
Anyway, some of you had questions about what happened in the Payton Place saga that seems to be my life (no one else has claimed it yet :). What happened? Good question and this is the best that I can remember. Yes, I have been emotionally weaning myself off of MM. Didn't work too well over the holidays (lots of triggers there). I was still upset by my lack of control over the situation. I was obsessing again. MM hasn't been coming around alot because he's been 'busy' - nod,nod,wink,wink. It was getting to me. He blew me off one too many times and so I blew...up. I was all over his butt verbally. When I got to work, there was a message on my machine that basically said, 'this isn't going to work anymore.' It was the wimpy way of ending things. And then, the world opened up and lightening struck through my brain - and, I finally got it... I can't control anything. He was right...this isn't going to work. It doesn't matter why it isn't going to work - it just isn't - and I can't change that. All I can do is change how I respond to everything that comes at me. After a morning of bawling, I became pretty relaxed as I thought about the situation as it really is. Bottom line is I've made myself completely free to be in a normal relationship and he hasn't. Those are the facts - nothing to read into - it just is.
So, where are we on Friday? I have talked to him and said that he is right, this won't work like this. He was a little shocked that I agreed with him and then he started to back-peddle. I have honestly not cared that he hasn't come over this entire week. I did not ask him when he would call me or come over. I have forced myself to come to terms with the fact that he is choosing not to engage in a healthy relationship with me (whatever the reason is - it doesn't matter) and we do not have a healthy relationship no matter how badly I wanted it. Those are the facts. I spent my time loving me this week. I took long baths late each night and did yoga and studied for a class that I'm taking on stuff that *I'm* interested in (not job related). I focused on me. You know what? Instead of panicking at the thought of this ending - I got calm. This morning, he said he is coming over tonight later (as usual)...maybe, we could go for pizza. I said that I don't want to go out because I'm studying for this class (big exam on Sunday for certification). He sounded shocked. I've always said yes...always. I was calm and I don't care anymore. That is my big moment. I care about me now. When I posted the original post, I thought that it was the complete end from everything that transpired...but mostly, because I was finally ready to emotionally let go. I sooooo felt it in my heart this time...I got calm instead of panicky. It was like my heart and my head caught up to each other. It is getting easier. I'm not just fooling myself either because I can really tell my attitude has changed. I am allowing myself to feel sad for brief moments and then, I move on. I do hurt and the whole saga is really kind of tragic. But, it is what it is and that doesn't have to ruin my future. Thank you guys for being there for me. I really appreciate it.
My MM isn't the dream man that I wanted him to be. He is just a very real man. I am coming to terms with that. I am going to forgive him. I think the dream ending is more sad then any real split up. It's like, no Virginia...there really isn't a Santa Claus. :( I felt that same way with my ex-husband. But, I'm also forgiving myself for being naive. I have no idea if this man will ever change his life. He tried once, got half way and chickened out. It is not my problem. It is his. They are his choices. And, I have mine. I choose to be happy. Right now, my only option is to be happy doing things by myself, since *I'm* no longer married. I will choose calm and happiness. It feels soooooo much better than madness and I am starting to really like how that feels. I got a taste of very limited contact this week and it was very calming to my system. I learned that it's not the situation that caused the stress - it was my reactions. Heard this said many times before. This week, I lived it. Thanks again.
Bird