I feel SO much better.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
I feel SO much better.........
3
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 1:50pm
For the last couple months, I've been beating myself up, crying alot, and waking up with a knot in my stomach. I decided that I was NOT going to start the new year off like this and I had to do something. Well, things ended horribly between MM and I and I felt just awful about my behavior at the end. I really truly did not want someone I care about to look back on our time together and regret meeting/knowing me. It took a couple months for the "mad" to go away and then "sad", "hurt" and "guilt" took over. I decided to take the guilt part out of the equation and contact him.

We talked for 20 minutes. I told him I was so sorry for what I did. He said he was sorry for dragging me in his mess. He called us "friends" but we really can't talk like we used to which is totally fine with me. He said now he understands that we can't really be friends because of the chemistry between us. It would start all over again. I asked him if this whole deal was hard on him too. He said it was hard to have the feelings he had for me and not be able to act on them. I asked him if his situation were ever to change, would he explore a relationship with me again? He said yes he would. But ya know that'll never happen. They are in family counseling now and all he does is take one day at a time and does his best. He said you never know what the future holds.

I felt like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders and I can go on now. I'm not sure why - probably will know more as time goes by. I no longer feel like I could bawl in an instant and my stomach is back to normal. I am also starting counseling next week and I can't wait. I want to mend my broken heart and make good decisions for myself. Last year sucked!

For me, this last contact worked and helped. I will not contact him again. I've finally put this thing to bed............

Any comments are welcome. This board has helped me so much. Thank God for it. I wish I could help others more but I'm so flippin' busy at work and I don't think I'm in any position to offer advice yet. Soon I hope!

ILLE

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 3:35pm
And the questions I have now are:

Did I mean anything to him?

Would the outcome be the same had I had more patience and not gotten mad at him?

What is the prognosis for them? I mean now they've both cheated on the other so can they recover their relationship?

I ask here so I don't ask you-know-who.............lol.

Thanks!

ILLE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 4:49pm
Congrats! I too started the new year by ending my A. Its hard...my heart is broken, but hopefully every day will hurt less and less. We ended it on good terms...to try to keep our memory of each other wonderful. Plus we work together...we talked that when we saw each other again at meetings, it will be nice to look across the room and have bittersweet memories vs angry ones. We folded at the right time...timing is everything I think. And to know that you were actually important to each other. Hang in there. I too feel lighter...a weight is lifted off my shoulders. I can use all the energy that I had towards him, and send it towards myself and my marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 5:14pm

ILLE, I know it's been a hard road for you to get this far.