to tell or not to tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
to tell or not to tell
8
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 4:04pm
Did anyone tell their H's or W's about their affair when they ended it? I am tired of the lying and need to tell my husband. i know i shouldn't. help- i'm going crazy- i've had NC for 18 hours and i am dying to pick up my phone. ughhhhhhhh
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 4:34pm
NEVER TELL! wait let me make this clearer... NEVER TELL!

I don't think any good can come of it. In my case,there were serious consequences that ensued after. I would strongly caution you not to tell your hubby. I think and from what I've read that people tell to make themselves feel better. Absolve their own guilt. I don't think it will make the same positive impact on your spouse. I would work on your marriage without confessing if at all possible. ONLY you can forgive you. When I made my confession It was 3 am. I hadn't slept more then 4 hours in 48 and I was stressed to the maximum. Immediately after I told him I felt better and so did he. THEN he proceeded to demean and barade me verbally for the next 4 months. To include blackmail and manipulation. The divorce papers make me look like a real hussy.

If I had it to do all over again I would have never told him. It really was a short term fix to a long term problem I created for myself.

YOU MUST DEAL WITH THIS... you must deal with your guilt and learn to forgive yourself. Don't tell.... Tell us instead...

This is just my opinion...

Best Wishes,

KATJA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 5:39pm

Chrissy, I disagree with katja.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:05pm
Thanks for your reply.... I'm sure that i can't tell him- i don't think he will eb able to handle it. Honestly, we had major problems before the affair and i asked for a seperation. He needs a reason and the only one i can give him is that im not in love with him. i think that will hurt him just the same. i need time to myself to forgive myself and work on me- i just don't think he will give it to me. My anniversary is next week- the timing isn't good either but i am so miserable-(with or w/out OM). I just don't want my dd to grow up seeing her mom unhappy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:25pm

Only you can decide what you need to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:42pm
I have to agree with Chris - tell him. One lesson I learned from all of this is that if someone truly loves you, they'll forgive you. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:58pm

Exactly, Xterra!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 8:36pm
I have to ask, Chris, does this include the XMM as well. 'Cause my H has forgiven me but XMM won't. He claims to still be angry....any advice on what to do with XMM in terms of him forgiving me would be much appreciated. As you probably know, its hard forgiving yourself if all parties involved aren't willing to forgive. I'm curious, how did get the forgiveness from the XMM and his wife? thx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 9:29pm

Well, I don't expect to be getting any forgiveness from Mrs. GB.