It's Over
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It's Over
| Wed, 01-07-2004 - 4:34pm |
Well, I posted a couple of days ago that I was going to end it with my MM. Well, last night was the night. It was hard to say the words, but I know that I needed to, I just could not see myself long term in that type of relationship. I should be happy, I was not romantically involved with him for that long and the feelings of attachment do not really compare to some of our friends here. But why then do I feel so crappy? I think I can probably answer my own question, he did not show much emotion during our conversation. He said he worried this all might be too much for me and was afraid he was doing the wrong thing by coming over. He never promised me anything, always said he could not commit, but was prepared to be there both emotionally and physically, if that was what I wanted. He said he understood my decision. And that is about all he said. I did not expect him to beg me to stay, I know he wanted to respect my decision. But, I said a lot to him, sharing some very personal thoughts about the situation and he basically sat very quiet. He did share with me that I had hurt his feelings the week before when I said I was only using him as a distraction from the rest of my life, but if that was the way I wanted to handle it, he was in no position to judge me. For what it is worth, I believe this man has never been unfaithful to his wife with the exception of myself, and I believe he is a good man, but by the end of the conversation I was left feeling as if I had imagined all the feelings we had shared and the basis of our relationship was strictly physical. If I am being completely honest here, I probably did not help the situation by letting him stay the night, I realize that. If I think about this rationally, I know this man cared about me, there was a real friendship there before all this began, but when I want to be irrational, I imagine that he never really cared at all and it was only a physical thing for him. I think he is able to detach himself from this a lot easier than most b/c our relationship was no where near the level of emotional intimacy shared by others on this board. We did not see much of each other, never spoke all that often. I think that was God's way of putting up barriers throughout the years that prevented us from getting too seriously involved with each other. Anyway, enough rambling, I am done with this. I thank God that I got out when I did, I can only imagine how painful it would have been 6 weeks, months or years from now. Thanks!
