Emergency...please help...please....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Emergency...please help...please....
13
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:02pm
Please help me guys. I am feeling so completely destroyed, I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying, and I don't know what to do.

Short story is we had an emotional affair that turned physical then became long distance and then went back to emotional while still long distance. He has said that he is still in love with me, still wants me, but needs to not be having an affair. Well, things were going along pretty fine, I was enjoying his loving words, and I still had hope that we could be together in the future. THEN....his wife found an email from him to me in which he said, "I love you, cutie."

This email did not tell her that we were physical. But what it told her was that he LOVED someone else, while he was not loving to her. The email broke her heart because she thought that the reason he never told her he loved her or made love to her was that he just was kind of a cold person. Now she has seen the email, and she has gone ballistic.

His first reaction was to contact me and tell me how scared he was, that he didn't want to lose me, that he wanted to somehow make it right while keeping me in his life. I was supportive. He begged for my support, I gave it to him. I stayed up all night talking to him that first night, and I have been a constant source of support ever since (it has only been a few days). Then, get this, both of their sets of parents flew in to see them to have a whole family meeting about this!!!! I am outraged at this, but what can I do? I mean, I would never allow such a thing in my own life, but it is not my life, it is his, it is theirs.

Well, ever since the parents have been in the picture, his outlook toward me seems to have changed. Gradually over the course of a few days, his outlook has been less about "yes, this is my chance to get out of my sucky marriage" to "I have to show compassion by going through these meetings" to "there is a chance I will go back to her, and our dream of being together will have to die".

In the last day, I have asked him 20 times whether his goal is to rebuild. 20 times he has refused to answer. The closest he has gotten to answering is, "I don't want to but I don't want my marriage to end this way, and we haven't even finished our discussions here yet." Today, he has simply just flat out refused to answer me. Girls, we all know what that means, right?

My heart is breaking. I can't understand in my heart why it's all coming down this way. They were only married TWO YEARS, and he started to fall in love with me before they were married for ONE YEAR. And it was NO ACCIDENT. He went out LOOKING for love, and that is how he met me...he was looking for someone to love, and when he found me, he stopped looking because he had me. It wasn't like we met at work or school, and fell in love in spite of ourselves...it was PLANNED. He WANTED to fall in love with someone else.

And now this????

My heart is breaking.

Here is where we are at right now: he emailed me at 4 in the morning last night to tell me that they are in the midst of talks and that she may leave him but they may also try to make it work. I wrote back this morning when I got it, asking him if he wanted to rebuild the marriage and what that meant for US. Yesterday he was saying that even if he did rebuild, he would always have me in his life. Well, that made no sense to me - how do you rebuild and keep an affair going at the same time? So, I asked him once again if his goal is to rebuild and if so, did he plan to still keep me in his life, and on what terms because after all of this, was it really worth it to him to maintain the "just friends" charade?

No answer as of yet.

Please help....I am so sad. I don't know what to do, where to turn, how to deal. How did it turn out so ugly?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:19pm
Lotus:

I am so sorry that you are hurting so bad. You have a sister in pain today. I am just ending my affair too. I agree, a family meeting is sad. I married into an ethnic family (can you say 'My big fat Greek wedding'?) and have since divorced. I can relate and shake my head too. I don't understand it - is your MM part of a very ethnic family? I just wasn't raised that way either. It's so demeaning. But, as you know, it is OPP (other people's problems). Keep telling yourself that and thanking your lucky stars that you don't have a family like that.

I could sit and type that you are better off without him, lucky that you found out now, etc. It won't help you. I know how much you hurt and no amount of logic is going to diminish that pain. My advice on what to do? Do nothing. Don't be dramatic in front of MM (be dramatic in your own bathroom or on this board). Nothing you do will control the outcome. Just be. Just exist. Cry. And then try to divert your energies into something positive -no matter how little - clean your house. Allow yourself to go through the pain...walk right through it...and do nothing to control the situation. Well, that's what I'm trying to do today. The world plays out its' script, in spite of everything we try to do to rewrite it. Keep posting here. It helps.

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:22pm
He says he wants me to be there for him UNCONDITIONALLY. What the hell does that mean? What does he want from me? An insurance policy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:25pm
Hello there,

first of all I want to say my heart goes out to you,I can read the pain you are going through in between the lines and I know how much all of this is hurting.

Especially when at some point the affair comes to the light, the one involved in a marriage has to make a choice...while the single partner holds his or her breath.

The ball was in his court, and yes as I told my mm once before, saying he needs to rebuild his marriage for his own good(and oh my gosh trust me this hurts so much)for the children for her sake, give this one last chance, and his responce was but I want you to be my responsibility as well...he is very sweet, kind and caring , but I was like...what on earth did you mean with this? I in no way could be something, someone you would be responsible for?.....since then we broke up and it has been hard, we do have contact, he calls almost on a daily basis, and we try to hold onto the deep friendship we have had over the three years to get through this...to not become strangers...but it is hard..and there is no in between...with him wanting to work out the marriage and have you in his life...gosh you can not settle for this. Due to only being married for two years and I assume no kids being involved why is he not instead choosing life with you, if it is true love..I don;t mean to sound harsh...but why is he staying?....Having the relatives flown in is I guess the ultimate fear, I am so sorry for this. As quilt is weighing heavily on him and you are betrayed as the bad other women. Not a good spot to be in.

I would suggest to for at least three month to really have no contact(trust me I know how hard this will be) but only then will he really have to deal with his marriage without you being there and sugarcoating and filling in for non sufficiencies on her end to make him happy. Were his feelings for real, then he will hopefully choose the right thing .

If you give in now, it will always simply be an affair, sad but so true...at the beginnign we all thought (didn;t we) oh our men, our affair is different, we will be THE ONE ot make him, he so happy and they will see how wonderful we are..well they do see it but with you going along with the affair, it is now even more workable ot stay in a dead marriage, and why fix it if it is not broken comes into play.....

I know you are very very much hurting right now, and thinking of no contact is a deeep black hole of sadness but it would be the best, let him deal with the situation and let him miss you and come to terms with this,again since there are no kids involved in this , why not end this marriage, especially after only two years....Sending you a big hug. E
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 10:01am
Dear Lotusflower4u~

I had to laugh when I saw your name...because lotusflower begins my private email. But I digress...on to your situation.

In all honesty, I see what he wants as unconditional support from you as being purely selfish. This is not to say that he is a selfish man, but his expectations are selfish. If he truly loved you....he would make a decision....either stay or leave. He's doing a classic fence sitting posture....wanting to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants to maintain the marriage...but wants you on the side.

My exMM, though he wants to be friends with me (and it ended relatively nicely) fails to see the simple fact that I fell in love with him. Though, I question if he really failed to see it. I think he saw it...saw me tripping and falling all over myself to be in touch with him...and it fed into his ego somewhat. I do not consider him to be a selfish man...but just a man who has desires and needs going unmet. That leaves anyone very vulnerable to temptation. And trust me...I was tempting him.

You cannot control his actions. You cannot control his feelings. However, his actions are speaking very loudly. Maya Angelou once said "When someone shows themselves to you, believe it!". He is showing himself to you right now. How can he expect you to be there for him unconditionally when he is not there for YOU unconditionally?

My advice? Let it go...no contact. If he truly loves you, he will work his way out of the marriage and find his way to you. If he doesn't.....well, then. To be there for him will just cause you extreme emotional pain of always being the "other woman"....and the longer it goes on, the harder it becomes!

Good luck....keep posting....much strength and peace to you!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:17pm

He says he wants me to be there for him UNCONDITIONALLY. What the hell does that mean?


What does that mean?

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 6:43pm
Lotus, so sorry to hear that things have turned so messy for you and that it is so painful and confusing. The parents have probably tried to make him see sense (in their eyes) and as everyone now is involved he must be being bombarded with advice, unfortunatly when you ask if he want you there for insurance then I think the answer is yes, horrible as it is, insurance incase they try and it doesn't work.

I'm lucky in one way because I think I'm starting to come out the other side of all this but am still in contact now and then with XMM and he has popped by on his way to work to see me.

At one stage his wife even texted me to say I was welcome to him, there was talk of divorce and then a text from him saying, 'you know what I am going to say even though things aren't going well at the moment and I don't think this marriage will last I have to give it one last shot'. Well no I didn't know what he was going to say, hoped it might of been it's over come and get me!

I think I'm over the worse though prepared for major relapses, but I know I feel better because the awful emotional roller coster of not knowing what was going to happen has stopped. I know I can't make him leave home if he's not prepared to,and he told me he is really trying but that things are far from good. I know it makes no difference what I do or say he will only leave if he decides to himself. I'm not ready to lose all contact yet I don't want an affair anymore, but I'd have him tomorrow if he was single and decided that's what he wanted. In a way I'm lucky he's not stringing me along I know where things stand, though I know deep down that I still have that bit of hope there.

Your probably wondering what to say or do for the best, well it makes no difference he will do what is in his best interest not yours or even his wifes, his, that's what they all seem to do and your man hasn't even got the old excuse of the children to fall back on.

I know it will be almost impossible for you but for your own sanity it would be better if you tell him you love and want him but not contact you until he has made up his mind but expect the worse as he will probably do what most of these men do and stay with his darling wife!

I know it's agony!

Thoughts are with you




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 2:54pm
Well, after pushing him to answer me whether or not he wanted me in his life still, he told me that he is rebuilding and needs to do it without me in his life.

"I love you, and I love you bad, I do, but I need to work on my marriage."

That is what he said. ON TEXT. AFTER I DEMANDED AN ANSWER. AFTER TWO DAYS OF SILENCE.

I am infuriated. Infuriated that he kept me stringing along, telling me to be patient, to give him a chance to deal with the crisis at home.

HE WENT BACK TO HIS WIFE. You know, the woman he ran from? You know, the woman he said was nothing compared to me? You know, ME, the woman that he LOVED and CHERISHED and ADMIRED and PUT ON A PEDESTAL???? You know, ME, the one that he said he was going to leave her for when he could find the right time? You know, HER - the one he said he wanted to separate from? HER!!!! HE WENT BACK TO HER, and he is so committed that he is prepared to do it with no contact with me. I thought maybe he was "pretend" rebuilding, the kind where you say you want to work on it, but you really are still involved with the other person??? But this is real.

I don't really FAULT him for wanting to work on his marriage, except that he has only been married for TWO YEARS, and NO KIDS, and after ONE YEAR, he was LOOKING for a new love, and he found ME. We have been in love for 15 months, and all of a sudden, THIS!!!!

I am angry that he kept me twisting in the wind. I am NOT so upset about losing him because there is nothing that I really miss about him at this point. I am sure that I will remember the good times and miss certain things about him eventually. But right now, all I see is a self-centered, lying, cheating, manipulative CHILD who is so tied to his apron strings that he allowed their PARENTS to come and negotiate a rebuilding of their marriage. JEEZ!

I honestly don't want the guy. I need a man. Not a child. His true colors showed in this crisis, and they were ugly. But I am still shocked and hurt and upset and feeling very devalued. How could someone treat me this way????

Such a silly question,r ight? I mean, everyone gets treated crappy sometimes. It is a reflection of him, not of me. He LOVED me, after all, at least he DID love me. Now he probably just detests me.

I know he will lie to me if he ever tells me WHY he did this. But I know the truth, it's the same old story every time: He really could not see a way for us to be together, so when she found out, it was like cold water being thrown in his face...all of a sudden, it was like, "SHOOT! My wife is going to leave me over this stupid affair that is going nowhere?!!! I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN!! OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

If it were me, I would have gently called him and asked him to understand that I need to rebuild my marriage because I was married, I was not ready to leave for anything or anyone, no matter how much I loved him, and that I hoped he understood. I would have told him that I didn't think we should talk for a while, that emotions were too high, and it was all confusing, and that eventually, I wanted to be friends with him, but that right now, I could not rebuild AND be friends with him, it would only create anger between all of those concerned. If he was upset, I would have talked him through it. If he needed follow-up, I would have given it to him. And eventually, it would have settled down, as all things do. WHY couldn't he accord me the same kind of respect? WHY did he leave me twisting?

A part of me believes that he left me twisting because he didn't WANT to say "goodbye" and that I forced his hand. Should I regret forcing his hand? No, I shouldn't because he swore up and down that he would keep me updated, but as soon as his parents arrived to "mediate", he disappeared, and that was that. He went back to her. Period. We would have just died a slow death.

A part of me wants to believe that he will call me and still cling to me. But another part of me knows that he won't, that he is FINISHED with me, especially after THIS ugly episode. And another part of me knows that if he DOES, it will only spell further heartache for me.

I used to say that "nothing is ever lost forever", but I am wondering if maybe this time I am wrong.....

Anyone? Please>?????

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 10:43pm
Lotus...dear sweet Lotus...I know that the pain that you feel right now is excruciating. This "man" clearly has no clue what he wants, and he is allowing his parents and inlaws to help him make up his mind...how pathetic. He clearly has no integrity and no testicles....Please know that how he is acting is not a reflection on you. This is about him and his problems, his lack of strength, his lack of convictions.....All you did was love him and expect him to follow through on promises.

Move on Lotus. He is showing you who he truly is. By lingering around and waiting for him to answer your questions you are torturing yourself...giving him all the power over your feelings and your destiny. You sound angry, and you have reason to be. You have given him every opportunity to handle this situation the right way. SEnding you a goodbye text message was a cowardly way out of actually speaking to you. Sure, he's being watched like a hawk but I am sure if he really wanted to he could find a way to speak to you and to say goodbye like a man. He wants you in his life??? Unconditionally???? Isnt that nice? That would make it just peachy for him, the best of both worlds.....Well real life doesn't work that way. You have conditions and one of those conditions is to be treated with respect. Save unconditional love for how we love our children and our God....not our lovers.

I say you take off and stop trying to make sense of this confused man. Let him sit there in his pathetic family meetings.......(how old is he?).....Let him do what he has to do, and if it works out that he does leave her so be it....at that point you can worry about if you need or want him. You have been trying to end this affair for a while lotus, you have been on this board for a while...you know waht you have to do, you don't need me to tell you.

Stay strong.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 8:31pm
Hi Lotus, when i replied to your last mail I was thinking how lucky I was that my XMM was showing me that he did care by keeping in some if not constant or regular contact, it has got less and less as the weeks have gone by but we have remained friendly and it has been helping me get over it.

I last saw him on Wednesday when he stopped on his way to work, we chatted it was friendly and warm and nice and caring. I knew it could be no more. Then tonight out of the blue I had a text to say "When you meet Mr Right make sure that he deserves someone as special as you, goodbye, love P" it took my breath away it was so unexpected. I texted back "Why goodbye" reply was can't keep seeing you it is doing my head in" So it doesn't suit him anymore so we have to stop! Never mind that I have been understanding of his trying to rebuild his marriage that he had told me was dead and not worth bothering about.

Our relationship was on/off quite a few times and always ended in a text! Something you would expect a teenager to do.

I have been replying bitterly to him while sat here sobbing. Told him he had lost nothing back with his forgiving wife while I had lost my heart and worse things, then crying cause I don't want him to hate me!! Mad or what. Sent about 5 messages to him and he just replied "Goodbye xxx" oh well at least I got kisses!

Stupidly texted to say hope he realised I was off with him because I was so hurt and couldn't understand why he didn't even care enough to remain friends, he replied "you know we could never just be friends" I'm so sad I texted telling him I loved him but knew I wasn't what he wanted (just incase he really does care and that'll hurt his feelings) see still think he might care!!

So that's it, I though mine was different, but when it stopped suiting him it doesn't matter what I want or need, cause I'm not important his dead marriage is and the women who he had so say stopped loving and didn't care about matters.

They are users, weak men who can't make the effort with their wives and try to get all that is lacking from their relationships with us, us stupid women who beleive their lies.

Well not being nasty here, but lets hope their rebuilding doesn't work and they think they'll pick up where they left off and that we are strong enough to tell them where to go wouldn't that be sweet revenge?

Trouble is know I feel mad at the moment but will start to miss him! Bugger i hope his bits fall off

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 10:03pm



Lotus, I know exactly what you are talking about. After a 12-year affair, his W found out in Oct and he said he couldn't continue the affair. Then through Nov, he continued to contact me...until she found out once again. Well, the day after his wife had packed all of his belongings in the garage (the Sunday after Thanksgiving). That Monday, he called to say it was over. I have not contacted him at all for 1 month, then out of the blue, he calls my workplace...to see if I had a good Christmas and to wish me a Happy New Year...then started crying and telling me how much he loved me, how much he wanted to be with me, and how unhappy he was. I told him it was his choice to end the affair. He said that he had no choice and his hands were tied. He has called daily since and always had to go because he was crying. He is 57 by the way, and I am 40 - both married - him 36 years, myself 23 years. I went to the doctor 2 weeks after NC and got antidepressants, I had to - I was crying at the drop of a hat. I could not turn on the radio without thinking of him, or anything else. My H knows of the affair and how long it lasted. I am not sure what his wife knows. XMM called Friday at work and told me he was going to kill himself, so stupid me...met him at business close by after work and had 1 drink - he didn’t drink anything. We talked awhile, and he called today saying he feeling so much better. What this idiot does not understand is how much he has hurt me and I don't feel better. And I cannot be continue to be his support and make him happy as he says he is after we talk...just hearing my voice. I was on computer earlier today and so was he...I can call him - but only when he says I can (when no one else around and I have to use *67 so my number doesn’t show up) He says he can only call me from payphone or country club. His family is watching his every move.

What kind of relationship is that??? None, he still wants control but it not willing to go all the way to an open relationship that is not a secret filled with lies. He must think I am willing to do anything to have him in my life...but I am not. The pain is indescribable that it makes me sick.

I told him tonight that just when I was getting better, here he goes dragging me back into the picture. I thought I needed closure by getting the answers to questions I have - ex. How could you let us go after 12 years without a real explanation? How can you have sex with your W if you say that you love me? How can you stop loving, caring, wanting me, calling, emailing, and making love to me on a daily or weekly basis after 12 years? How? Why?

I don’t think the answer really matters anymore because there is nothing I can say or do that will change the situation. For my XMM and me the rebuilding of relationships with our spouses or anyone else is impossible is because neither of us can rebuild any relationship until we let go of one another.

Can we do this? Can I let go? Can he let go?

God only knows I am trying too.

As far as our affair turning ugly...it only turned ugly once the secret was discovered. What I have found out the hardest way possible is that a life with a MM is not possible. You can have some really good times, special times, find the love of your life, give your heart and soul to this person, however, once discovered, the MM finds it easier to hurt the OW than to hurt his wife and family. At least that is what my XMM told me yesterday. " It was easier to let me go and hurt me than let go of his W and family and hurt them...he has two grown sons 31 & 36".

Right now, I have to face reality and even though I don’t like it, it is what it is. He has made his choice and has chosen to end what I thought we had.

He said he needs 2 hours of my time to explain...his actions speak louder that any lie he could tell me to make it seem better than it really is.

As bad as it hurts, we have to speak the truth about our affairs...and that is what I see you doing Lotus. As I have heard time and time again," The truth will set you free."


I wish you the best and wish you not ever have the years I did invested in someone who is not, nor ever was available in any sense.

Take care of yourself,

Lillsi












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