What's your opinion?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
What's your opinion?
2
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 6:58am
Why do some men that have been involved in an affair or affairs, Once they meet a woman then over time the affair does not work out, why do they feel like they need to hang on to what is no longer there? Several of the posts here indicated that some times the men call to "check on" their former girl. Which only stirs up "hard to deal with emotion".

The man I was involved with calls me almost everyday! I stay upbeat and hang the phone up quickly. (He calls my work, where he is a customer). Sometimes I can not avoid talking to him.

In my opinion, they were/are coward because they will not leave their current situation to start a new and happy life with us. Yet with some men, the thought of another man having us makes them jealous and upset. Maybe they get regretful and realize they had and lost a good thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 9:04am
I wish I knew the answer to this one. My xmm continues to call me daily as well. Yesterday, he called 4 times. I have asked him to please not call until he is divorced. According to him, divorce papers were signed yesterday, but that does not change our situation. I won't change my home or cell numbers and cannot change my work number. He knows that I am seeing someone else and he does get very upset/jealous about it.

I told him yesterday that he needs to break away from me completely. If he is getting a divorce, he needs to focus on that and getting his life together before he can even entertain the thought of seeing me again. He continues to ask if I will be here for him when the dust settles and I continue to tell him that we will have to see where I am when the time comes. According to what he said yesterday, his divorce "may" take longer than the mandatory six months because the "courts are way backlogged". That leads me to think that this is another ploy for him to keep me hanging on. I will not promise to wait for him. He still is not available to me. I won't wait for something that is not mine to have. Not only that but he lives 400 miles away now, for heaven's sake. I am not going to be dumb enough to believe that he will relocate back here again. He is back in his home state where his family and all of his social connections are and I won't ever leave here because of my family, especially my aging parents.

Even if he really does get the divorce and tries to pick up where we left off, I don't know if that would even be possible. So many horrible things were said during arguments while I was trying to break it off with him. I don't want to open myself up to that kind of abuse any longer. My xh was verbally abusive and xmm became that way when I started backing off.

So, like you, I am keeping my conversations with him short and abrupt and maybe he will back off, which is what he really needs to do. Even if his divorce goes through, he needs major healing time and I cannot be in the picture for that. He talks about me being his "best friend", "soulmate" and all that garbage. He still tries to lay a guilt trip on me about deserting him during his time of crisis. I tell him that I am sorry, but I cannot be his main support person. He needs to find someone there, a friend or relative. I cannot handle this emotional stuff with him anymore. Not to mention, all the crises I have had in my life during the A where he was not available for me. I would have to tell him via email. But, that is neither here nor there at this point.

He still doesn't get it and still hangs on. So, in my opinion, I still have no idea why???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 9:50am
Personally, I think for a lot of men it's the thrill of the chase. They start out coming on strong, but once they feel like they have the woman wrapped around their little fingers, they start taking her for granted. Eventually she gets fed up and backs away and that's when he comes roaring after her. Once the woman gets to the point where she's had enough and isn't taking him back no matter what, he wants her more than ever...which is what makes it so hard to get out of these things.