I started out this week so strong but as the NC continues I'm having a harder and harder time with it. Here's the situation -- for the first four months or so of this emotional A, MM would call every morning first thing, then I'd call before lunch and go see him, then he'd come to my office right before we left for the day to see me. First the morning phone calls went by the wayside, then the afternoon visits, about six months in. At first I anguished over this. Every day I'd wait for him to show up and he wouldn't and it would cause incredible stress. At least now I'm not expecting it, so I don't get disappointed. But this week, first day, I called and had my morning visit as always. Then Tuesday we had a lunch thing so I couldn't call and if he'd tried to call I wasn't at my desk at that time. Yesterday I vowed not to call and I didn't but I saw him on my way out of the building to lunch. I think he'd been waiting around for my call, but I can never be sure of that. Last night something came up and we couldn't go to the gym, which is where I see him outside of work. Today I just started thinking about it all...about how he used to call and come visit and for the past little while it's mostly been ME doing all the calling and ME doing all the visiting. It started making me angry and sad for the end of our friendship because, as I intend to tell him if he ever does call again, if this friendship has to be all one-sided, I don't want it. I don't want to have to be the one to do all the pursuing. So I was just upstairs and I stopped by the office where they're moving me soon, and he'd visited just yesterday. There's a woman who works nearby that he's friends with (nothing more than friends...she's not attractive at all!) and I found out he'd stopped by to see her yesterday. There's a good and bad to that -- the good is that at least once I'm up there, maybe he'll be nearby more often but the bad is that he could make time to see her but not even to CALL ME??? For two and a half months he's used the excuse that he's too busy to come by and see me. So for six months you weren't too busy but now all of a sudden every single day 15 minutes to going-home time, you're busy? I just don't buy it. I try telling myself that since I'm on another floor, it does call a lot of attention to him going to visit me and with the rumors he doesn't want anyone to think anything, but again, it didn't stop him before. He's just pushing me away because he doesn't want to deal with me, but that doesn't stop it from hurting like crazy!
Okay, I'm mostly venting. The thing that gets me is the FACT that this is all getting to me. I'm not supposed to care. I'm supposed to get strength from every single day of NC, right? So why is it that the longer time goes on, the madder I get that he doesn't seem to notice the NC? I guess that's natural, but how do I get over it? I keep thinking, each day, THIS will be the day he notices and calls and asks what's going on, but each day passes and no call. I think it's time to get rude when I see him in the hallway. I've been friendly because he tends to fly off the handle when I walk past and don't really acknowledge him or don't stop to talk to him, but it's time to pull out the big guns now. If I'm going to keep running into him and being friendly and stopping to chat, it's not really NC. And it keeps him from having to take any responsibility for his feelings for me while getting me all tied up in knots, which is exactly what he wants. If I'm losing him as a friend, I'm going to be hurt because obviously I didn't mean much to him if he could just drop me and not even NOTICE. Again, it's all absurd because this is what I wanted. I wanted him to leave me alone and give me time to heal but I never ASKED him to leave me alone. I guess it's one of those, "You can't dump me; I was trying to dump YOU" sort of things.
Then, after lunch, I ran into him and a friend. The friend stopped to talk to us but MM turned his back to us and pretended to be busy with something. I STILL didn't give in. I made a couple of comments to his friend, then turned around and marched back to my office without a word to MM. His friend probably asked what was wrong because he knows we're friends and he knew a while back MM had feelings for me. Anyway, it seems MM is now going to act mad at me to see if I give in. Interesting game, but it's not going to work. TELL ME I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING, PLEASE!!! OH...and he was offering to help me move tomorrow or next week (I'll be moving to his floor) and I just didn't answer. I hate to turn down that offer, but I guess I'll have to unless we have it out before then. I'm sure I can find someone to help, but MM would be much more fun and he's normally the one they get to help people move things, so it would be a way to spend time with him without looking suspicious.
As for the other woman, it's not really an issue. She's just a friend and he's always stopped by to see her. Chances are if I mention it, he'll say as he did before -- that he's trying to spend a lot of time in that area so that when I move in, it won't look strange that he's suddenly coming in there all the time. But now he's painted himself into a corner because I know he goes in there now, so if he stops going I can call him on it. The issue -- which I fully intend to bring up if he ever calls -- is that before Xmas we agreed to be friends and he agreed to give some back to the friendship. He's not doing that. It's supposed to be 50/50... now it's 100% me and 0% him. That's not a friend; that's a STALKER! (I thought I might use that line... What do you think?) Either way, he can pretend to pout or whatever but I know this is bothering him. He HATES for anyone to be mad at him, as he's said a million times. But there's this woman around here who comes to see him all the time and drives him up a wall because she's got a crush on him and she's freaky. He treats her horribly, basically making her feel unwelcome. She's always complaining he doesn't stop by to see her. The thing is, I always told him if he treated me the way he treats her, I'd stop coming to see him and that's exactly what I'm doing. Is that another good line to take with him? I want to get my ducks in a row before we have this conversation, which I have a feeling is going to occur soon. Although he can be pretty stubborn... He and his W often go days without speaking. Come to think of it, maybe this isn't such a good idea...
Iknowitstime
(and so do you)