Feeling weak...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Feeling weak...
4
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 10:49am
I started out this week so strong but as the NC continues I'm having a harder and harder time with it. Here's the situation -- for the first four months or so of this emotional A, MM would call every morning first thing, then I'd call before lunch and go see him, then he'd come to my office right before we left for the day to see me. First the morning phone calls went by the wayside, then the afternoon visits, about six months in. At first I anguished over this. Every day I'd wait for him to show up and he wouldn't and it would cause incredible stress. At least now I'm not expecting it, so I don't get disappointed. But this week, first day, I called and had my morning visit as always. Then Tuesday we had a lunch thing so I couldn't call and if he'd tried to call I wasn't at my desk at that time. Yesterday I vowed not to call and I didn't but I saw him on my way out of the building to lunch. I think he'd been waiting around for my call, but I can never be sure of that. Last night something came up and we couldn't go to the gym, which is where I see him outside of work. Today I just started thinking about it all...about how he used to call and come visit and for the past little while it's mostly been ME doing all the calling and ME doing all the visiting. It started making me angry and sad for the end of our friendship because, as I intend to tell him if he ever does call again, if this friendship has to be all one-sided, I don't want it. I don't want to have to be the one to do all the pursuing. So I was just upstairs and I stopped by the office where they're moving me soon, and he'd visited just yesterday. There's a woman who works nearby that he's friends with (nothing more than friends...she's not attractive at all!) and I found out he'd stopped by to see her yesterday. There's a good and bad to that -- the good is that at least once I'm up there, maybe he'll be nearby more often but the bad is that he could make time to see her but not even to CALL ME??? For two and a half months he's used the excuse that he's too busy to come by and see me. So for six months you weren't too busy but now all of a sudden every single day 15 minutes to going-home time, you're busy? I just don't buy it. I try telling myself that since I'm on another floor, it does call a lot of attention to him going to visit me and with the rumors he doesn't want anyone to think anything, but again, it didn't stop him before. He's just pushing me away because he doesn't want to deal with me, but that doesn't stop it from hurting like crazy!

Okay, I'm mostly venting. The thing that gets me is the FACT that this is all getting to me. I'm not supposed to care. I'm supposed to get strength from every single day of NC, right? So why is it that the longer time goes on, the madder I get that he doesn't seem to notice the NC? I guess that's natural, but how do I get over it? I keep thinking, each day, THIS will be the day he notices and calls and asks what's going on, but each day passes and no call. I think it's time to get rude when I see him in the hallway. I've been friendly because he tends to fly off the handle when I walk past and don't really acknowledge him or don't stop to talk to him, but it's time to pull out the big guns now. If I'm going to keep running into him and being friendly and stopping to chat, it's not really NC. And it keeps him from having to take any responsibility for his feelings for me while getting me all tied up in knots, which is exactly what he wants. If I'm losing him as a friend, I'm going to be hurt because obviously I didn't mean much to him if he could just drop me and not even NOTICE. Again, it's all absurd because this is what I wanted. I wanted him to leave me alone and give me time to heal but I never ASKED him to leave me alone. I guess it's one of those, "You can't dump me; I was trying to dump YOU" sort of things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 12:35pm
Lilah, Sorry I am just now getting around to posting. I had to post after reading this. Your MM is a mirror image of mine. Your MM is confused and playing mind games with you. Since he has been through this before, he is afraid of what can happen if he gets too close to you, yet, he doesn't really want to give you up completely. He wants to know that you are there for him and that you still want him. It's so funny, how I can see this since I am an outsider looking in, yet, my OM is the same way. I am glad that I have found that mine isn't the only one that acts like this. I used to get hurt and cry a lot when my OM would do this to me. I think that your MM and mine are very confused. I have always thought that mine really cares for me(because he says he does), but that he doesn't really know how to treat me. My OM has been in an EMA before and two marriages, and he was the one that got dumped. His one EMA before me, resulted in his second marriage and then it ended later in divorce. Thats why I know that he doesn't know how to treat me. He has always been used by women. Then I come along and treat him with kindness and respect and he doesn't know how to handle me. Yours sounds the same way. I think that your MM cares for you, but he is also afraid of you and where the relationship could go because he has been through it before. Try not to get too upset. Try to go through your day as you normally would before you met MM. Don't give in to him. LET HIM COME TO YOU. I know it's hard, but hang in there. Also, I wouldn't worry too much about the other woman that he is talking too. My OM has done this to, but it never lasts very long. He'll move from one woman to another looking for someone to pay him some attention. He's out there looking for attention, when he has me right here in front of him. He's looking to feed his ego with these other woman. He just wants some attention. I am slowly learning these things about my OM. My OM does not know how to handle emotions, so instead of dealing with me, he backs away. Then he'll come around again after a few days. It's like this over and over. All I can tell you is to try and not let it get to you so much. I bet if you don't give in, your MM will come around eventually.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 1:59pm
Here's an update... I've been trying to avoid MM all week but he's been doing some work with moving some cubicles around, so he's been up and down the hall a lot. (I didn't realize this until today.) So this morning, I'm walking down the hall and there he is. He saw me coming and stopped to wait for me, but I'd already determined I'm mad at him and he's just going to have to ask me why to get my answer. So he is giving me that look and I shook my head and said, "What?" He said something about me walking so fast and I just shrugged and kept walking. He followed after me and started talking about something work related but I kept walking, so he stopped mid-sentence and stood there. I stopped and turned and said, "What?" So he continued, following me again. He made a joke but instead of laughing I just nodded distractedly and kept on going. I got to my destination and was asking the woman a question and here he came, poking his head over the cubicle. I just ignored him and he went away. I didn't give in. I left without stopping to talk to him and went back to my office.

Then, after lunch, I ran into him and a friend. The friend stopped to talk to us but MM turned his back to us and pretended to be busy with something. I STILL didn't give in. I made a couple of comments to his friend, then turned around and marched back to my office without a word to MM. His friend probably asked what was wrong because he knows we're friends and he knew a while back MM had feelings for me. Anyway, it seems MM is now going to act mad at me to see if I give in. Interesting game, but it's not going to work. TELL ME I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING, PLEASE!!! OH...and he was offering to help me move tomorrow or next week (I'll be moving to his floor) and I just didn't answer. I hate to turn down that offer, but I guess I'll have to unless we have it out before then. I'm sure I can find someone to help, but MM would be much more fun and he's normally the one they get to help people move things, so it would be a way to spend time with him without looking suspicious.

As for the other woman, it's not really an issue. She's just a friend and he's always stopped by to see her. Chances are if I mention it, he'll say as he did before -- that he's trying to spend a lot of time in that area so that when I move in, it won't look strange that he's suddenly coming in there all the time. But now he's painted himself into a corner because I know he goes in there now, so if he stops going I can call him on it. The issue -- which I fully intend to bring up if he ever calls -- is that before Xmas we agreed to be friends and he agreed to give some back to the friendship. He's not doing that. It's supposed to be 50/50... now it's 100% me and 0% him. That's not a friend; that's a STALKER! (I thought I might use that line... What do you think?) Either way, he can pretend to pout or whatever but I know this is bothering him. He HATES for anyone to be mad at him, as he's said a million times. But there's this woman around here who comes to see him all the time and drives him up a wall because she's got a crush on him and she's freaky. He treats her horribly, basically making her feel unwelcome. She's always complaining he doesn't stop by to see her. The thing is, I always told him if he treated me the way he treats her, I'd stop coming to see him and that's exactly what I'm doing. Is that another good line to take with him? I want to get my ducks in a row before we have this conversation, which I have a feeling is going to occur soon. Although he can be pretty stubborn... He and his W often go days without speaking. Come to think of it, maybe this isn't such a good idea...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 3:00pm
Hmmmm. Do whatever you feel you can handle. Ignoring him will make him come around, but you don't want to do it forever. It will end up being harder on you than on him. You can let him help you move and keep a "business only" attitude with him. Don't talk personal with him until he brings the subject up. If he asks you later whats wrong, then tell him how you feel and that you don't want to play games. This is so difficult because you end up being the one to put all of the effort into the relationship and it is frustrating. Your MM plays these mind games with you because he has been through this before and he is trying to keep his emotions in control. He knows that you can break him down if he lets you. You can get into his heart if he let things get out of control. I think that he probably already knows whats going on in your mind. Be cool toward him and then if he asks whats wrong, tell him. But don't act like you are dwelling on it. Just let him know that you don't like mind games. Isn't it silly that these men play these mind games with us? Even worse, we let them! I think that it is all because they have been in an EMA before and they know what can happen. They don't want to lose control.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 11:09pm
lilah, I read your first post in this thread and the impression I got was that the ONLY reason you were doing NC (which, let's face it, you WEREN'T doing) was to get some sort of REACTION from him.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)